The Big Bang! Theory - A fourth--and final--short, erotic encounter of the Judy Banger kind
Page 10
"Remembering Buddy today, carrying on his name and legacy, is his beloved son, Lewis, daughter-in-law Rebecca, and grandchildren, David and Brianna."
The children flanked Lewis. His ex-wife and her companion stood off to one side, as did Fletcher, Judy and her friend. Wiley watched as Brianna, a delicate-looking sprite, laid a spray of gladiolas at the foot of the memorial. Buddy's ashes had already been interred in the ground beneath a small, American flag marker. The headstone was on backorder, Lewis had told him.
Wiley took a deep breath and let it out, slowly. "No one wants to die. Yet that is what we are set on this earth to do. We live. We procreate. We age. Some end the journey with grace and wisdom. Some with a thumb to the nose. " He demonstrated and his audience chuckled. "Instead of throwing in the towel when it was time to retire, Buddy Fusco shook that towel like a red cape taunting a bull. He zipped around town, first in his convertible, then on his signature bicycle."
"His babe-mobile," someone said with a gruff chuckle.
Others murmured in agreement.
Lewis lifted his arm and displayed a tiny key and a metal figure of an iconic pin-up girl.
"Betty Grable," a gentleman in a wheelchair called. "What a babe!"
Wiley didn't know the whole story behind the key fob, but apparently most of Buddy's Heritage House friends did.
"Buddy embraced life--"
"He embraced a lot more than that," a female voice interjected. The comment set off a chain of high-pitched giggles and murmurs.
"That he did," Wiley agreed. "And I, for one, admire his live-life-to-the-fullest attitude. Buddy Fusco is my new hero. He lived--and died--on his own terms."
He saw heads nod in agreement. Judy, he noticed, wiped away tears.
"Fortunately for Buddy, he wasn't alone when he passed. He had the great good fortune to be in the presence of his dear friend, Judy Banger."
Her eyes went wide with surprise. She obviously hadn't expected to be singled out in Buddy's eulogy. Her cheeks turned that unique shade of pink he loved.
"Many of you know Judy. She's one of the most open, loving, genuinely authentic human beings I've ever met. I can say without hesitation Judy Banger is the love of my life."
The crowd's collective inhale nearly covered Judy's high-pitched peep. "What?"
"I'm glad Buddy died on his own terms." He almost added, "doing something he loved," but nixed it for the sake of the children present. "But his timing couldn't have been worse for Judy. As any celebrity will attest, the court of public opinion is fickle and often unkind. Despite the fallout she's had to endure, Judy soldiers on...the way Buddy--and his compatriots laid to rest on this hillside--did when they fought for our country."
He knew the last was a stretch, but his audience didn't seem to mind. A few crossed themselves. Several dabbed tissues to their eyes. The only person who mattered to him was Judy. Was she moved? Embarrassed? Mortified? She stood too far away-and the sun was too bright--for him to read her emotions clearly, but the glitter of tears told him she'd been touched by his words. Hopefully, she was moved enough to give him a second chance to prove they were meant to be together.
"As you can see, I'm a judge, not an ordained minister, but I'd like to close with a prayer. Heavenly Father, please accept the soul of Buddy Fusco into your midst. Please comfort his family who miss him greatly and will continue to feel his absence for all of their days. Please strengthen the resolve of his many friends to embrace life fully and live as Buddy did--with passion."
A double-entendre Fletcher acknowledged a few moments later. "Nice job, Dad. Awesome way to end it."
"Thank you, Judge Canby. I truly appreciate you taking this on," Lewis said, shaking his hand. "And, for what it's worth, I think you and Judy would make a great couple. I know you'd have my dad's blessing."
Wiley wanted to believe that, but the only opinion that truly mattered was Judy's. He glanced up in time to see her walk toward the rear of the memorial. He quickly shed his robes, stuffing the slippery mess into Fletcher's hands.
"Go get her, Dad."
"Not so fast, hot shot."
Wiley nearly flattened the petite woman in the colorful dress who blocked his way like a pit bull in drag. He vaguely recognized her as Judy's friend from the gym. Another image tickled his memory but he brushed it aside. No time. He needed to catch Judy before she got on the bus. "Excuse me. I need to talk to Judy."
"Well, that means going through me. I'm her BFF. That stands for I've got her back."
"I thought it meant Best Friends Forever?"
"Are you always so literal? That does not bode well for your relationship with Judy."
Wiley's highly reputed patience evaporated and his fingers flexed, preparing to bodily pick up the woman and set her out of his way. Fortunately, Fletcher grabbed the lady's skinny, overly tan arm and pulled her aside. "It's okay, Pru. I promise. Dad loves Judy, and when he loves someone he doesn't give up. Ever. I know that, now."
Wiley nodded, too overcome with emotion to speak.
"Oh...okay. It's not like I could stop him. I left my whip at home."
Whip? An image of a woman in a leopard print dress...Fletcher naked...Judy's breasts flattened behind a scrap of black lace... No. The past didn't matter. If he'd learned one thing from writing Buddy Fusco's eulogy, it was to focus on the present--and the people in it. He needed to find Judy and tell her that.
~~
Judy hid in the bathroom of the Visitor Center long enough to regain her equanimity. Seeing Wiley in his black robes had been shock enough, but hearing what amounted to a public apology--and reprimanding those who'd treated her poorly--had been too much. She couldn't think.
But she couldn't hide forever. Buddy would have kicked her butt for being so cowardly.
She didn't have to search long and hard to find him. First park bench outside the building. The arid, early summer wind whipped his beautiful silver hair in a playful way. He appeared relaxed, arm casually extended, ankles crossed. The knee-length khaki shorts, Hawaiian print shirt and sandals surprised her.
"You wore that under your robes? It seems so...Wizard of Oz."
His grin stampeded the herd of butterflies in her tummy.
"Fletcher's dress code. He said this memorial was all about celebrating life and living it up." He sat forward, bracing elbows on knees. "I was hoping you were hiding out inside, not escaping on the bus."
As if on cue, the low rumble she knew so well from the gym sounded from the parking lot. Judy reached out with a futile gesture as the air brake released and the bus pulled away. "That was my ride."
"Not anymore. I told them you're with me."
Her hands were shaking, her knees unsteady, but she took a step closer. "Am I? Really?"
He cleared the distance between them. "I hope so. With all my heart."
He placed her hand flat on his chest. "I may be an obtuse idiot, but I'm healthy. I have the EKG printout to prove it. I love you, Judy. I want to marry you, retire, downsize. We can live in your place and buy a travel trailer. The where doesn't matter as long as we're there together."
She wanted to press her ear to his chest to see if this was really happening. If he was real. "I'm not Cinderella. Prince Charming doesn't pick girls like me."
He cocked his head and grinned. "Actually, I think he does. If I'm remembering my fairy tales correctly, he falls for the regular girl, not the fancy princess type."
She acknowledged his point with a snicker. "Well, there's regular girls and then there's me," she said, motioning to her generous curves. She might have re-discovered her waist recently but her pant size would always be in the double-digits. No size-O for her.
He led her to the bench and waited for her to sit. For a moment, she was afraid he might drop to one knee to propose, but instead he sat beside her. "Let's clear up one misconception," he said, his tone as serious as she'd ever heard it. "I'm not Prince Charming. I don't have a drop of regal blood. My parents were working class, middle-America people.
I was smart enough and lucky enough to make a successful life for myself, but I am...not...perfect."
"You never screwed a man to death."
"I fucked my dead wife's sister."
Judy's jaw dropped. "The therapist?"
He nodded. "I'd reached rock bottom. I felt dead inside. I thought being with her would make me feel alive. Instead, I created a god-awful mess. When I ended it and tried to distance myself from Eva's family, my in-laws thought I was cutting them out of Fletcher's life. My brother-in-law had been one of my closest friends." He shook his head sadly. "In hindsight, I'm sure I latched on to Julie like a drowning man grabs a buoy."
"You didn't love her?"
"Eventually. She was a lovely person. But if I'm being honest, I have to admit that I never felt this kind of gut level connection that tells me I was meant to spend the rest of my life with you. Does that sound cliché?"
It sounded impossibly perfect. She was Judy Banger. Life didn't suddenly turn wonderful for people like her, offering up the answer to every single secret dream. Get real, a familiar voice in her head--her mother's voice--chided.
She looked beyond Wiley's shoulder at the upright concrete slabs arranged like a miniature Stonehenge. The setting sun cast long shadows that hinted at the passage of time. She still felt young enough to be in love, hopeful enough to enjoy years of travel, lust and adventure ahead of them. What did Wiley say in his eulogy? "Embrace life fully and live as Buddy did--with passion."
He got that right, she could picture her old friend saying.
"It sounds like a proposal. If you mean it, my answer is yes."
His grin was his answer, followed by a kiss deep enough, sexy enough to stir Buddy's ashes. He jumped to his feet and grabbed her hand. "We have to put in a quick appearance at the restaurant, just to prove we didn't elope. Then...your place? Or mine?"
Her bedroom? Why not? Fresh paint, new floor, a new bed. Consecrated, so to speak, with Jed. A man she adored and would always consider a friend. No bad juju. A clean slate awaiting a new beginning with the man of her dreams.
When they reached the car, his late wife's convertible, she asked him to hold off starting the engine while she made a call--a Face Time call.
"Hey, Judy, is Dad with you?"
"Right here," Wiley said, putting his head next to hers.
"Fletcher, we need a favor."
He made a face. "You're eloping and you want me--"
She laughed. "No, you goose. If..." Who was she kidding? "when we tie the knot, you and Lewis will be with us. But we do need some...um...quality time alone."
"Oh. Got it. So, where are you taking her, Dad? Sorry Sexcapades isn't open." He'd confirmed in a group email that he and Lewis had decided to go with Judy's suggestion for the name of their new business. "Maybe for your honeymoon."
"I'll take her anywhere she wants to go," he said staring deeply into her eyes. "I've heard Iceland is nice."
Laughing, Judy blew kisses to Fletcher. "We'll call you in the morning."
They made the one-hour drive in forty minutes, laughing, joking and touching like horny teens. She moved her car to park the convertible in the driveway. Neither could wait to put up the top. Then Judy dragged him down her hallway. She paused in the doorway to turn on the light.
Wiley peaked over her shoulder. "Are you looking for ghosts?"
Her throat closed up. "No. I'm just not sure I deserve this. I'm afraid something will go wrong."
His smile could have melted the candle on her nightstand. "Do you know what I tell a first time offender who deserves a second chance?"
First time? How many times have I messed up? "No."
"Your past is now behind a wall of glass. You can see it, but you can never relive it or change it. The future, on the other hand, is wide open, with nothing blocking your way as you move forward."
Judy looked around. If she half-closed her eyes, she could almost see her room as it looked when Buddy was alive. She could picture herself, too. Sorta. She definitely wasn't the same woman she saw in the mirror every morning. "The glass gets hazy over time, doesn't it?" she asked.
He grinned and pulled her into his arms. "That's what photos are for. Your mother has the right idea--we only need to keep the ones we like." He nodded toward the grouping of framed family photos she'd taken when her mom refused to hang them in her new place. "Your willingness to forgive is astounding, Judy." He kissed her sweetly, eyes open, unblinking. "Despite everything, you love your mother and somehow manage to overlook her shortcomings. That takes a big person."
"My parents weren't perfect, but who is?"
"Not me," he said gruffly. "But I promise to love you for as long as I'm breathing."
"I love you, too." She led him to her bed. "All this serious talk is seriously messing up my plan to make up for lost time. Can we f--?"
He cut off the word with a kiss as he pulled her backwards to land body-to-body on top of him. "First, we're going to make love. After that...anything's possible." The naughty twinkle in his eyes made her heart skip a beat. "Did I see a tawse sticking out of your picnic basket that night at the hotel?"
Judy's surprised laugh quickly changed to a moan of desire. Clothes flew. Body parts were sucked and licked and set on fire. Did it matter they had more than a few miles on their respective odometers--not to mention a few too many drivers? No. Together they could flip off the world and cry, "Screw senility. We're having fun." And together they were going to live one bang up life!
The End
~~~
Epilogue
"A white wedding dress? Are you kidding me, Pru? I'm old. This is my second wedding. I can't go the whole virgin gown route. What will people say?"
"Since when do you care what anybody says?"
Pru had a point. In the six months she and Wiley had been dating--a euphemism for making love like newlyweds, buying a condo together and planning a wedding, they hadn't consulted anyone for advice, and that included Fletcher and Pru. The latter's nose was a wee bit out of joint, hence Judy's decision to make Pru her maid of honor.
Judy studied the gown Pru had picked out--a strapless, form-fitting top attached to a virtual mountain of poufy fabric. Her mother probably could have identified the material, but Mom wasn't due back from her Wild Herry Women cruise for another week. Judy's sister couldn't get over how well Mom had adapted to her new situation.
Not that Nancy had time to worry about Mom. She and Pete were house hunting in Alaska, although they hadn't ruled out Florida as a retirement destination, either. Mom remained philosophical about her elder daughter's sudden rootlessness. "She'll come back down to earth when she runs out of money."
A problem Wiley assured Judy they'd never have to worry about. "I did buy Intel."
"You like this dress?" Judy asked.
"I do. It's perfect for you. But what do I know?"
"You know a lot. You're a Mensa type, remember?" She held it to her chest. "The bustier look is fun."
Pru lit up. "I know, right? And considering how you and the judge met, there's a sort of full-circle feel to it."
Judy might not have wanted to remember every detail of the night she and Wiley met, but since their passionate love life knew no boundaries that she'd been able to discern--other than exclusivity, which was to be expected since they couldn't get enough of each other--she knew he'd get a kick out of this subtle nod toward the role-playing side of their love life.
"Okay. I'll try it on. Do you know what you're going to wear?"
Pru nodded. "Black. Simple. Severe. Sexy, of course, but not overt. Since some of Fletcher's regulars will be invited to the wedding, I figure this will be as good a time as any to introduce myself." She lifted her blouse to flash a new jaguar tattoo prowling around her mid-section. "Don't forget. From now on, I'm Rue, not Pru. There's simply no way to make Prudence sound anything but conservative and boring. Rue, on the other hand, has a bit of mystery and danger to it."
Judy didn't have the heart to tell her the name
also belonged to an adorable character in the Winnie-the-Pooh books, although Roo, a baby kangaroo, spelled his name differently.
Judy changed quickly. She was supposed to meet Wiley in ten minutes and if she failed to appear at their designated meeting spot, he would come looking for her. She leaned over to position her still ginormous boobs into the generous cups of the built-in bra. To her surprise, she didn't spill out too badly. Must be those ten pounds I lost. And the zipper even glided past her waist without a tussle. She gathered up the miles of frothy skirt and backed out of the dressing room. "Hey," she said, before turning around. "I think this is the dress."
"Me, too," a deep voice said. "But I like what's in it best."
Judy startled, nearly tripping over her train. "Wiley," she exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"
"Seeing the bride before the wedding is bad luck," Pru said, adding a scolding motion for good measure.
"I plan to see the bride every hour of every day before the wedding. Luck can take a flying leap."
Pru crossed herself--even though Judy knew she didn't have a religious bone in her body. "Why are you here, Judge? Judy, why is--?" She stopped. "I just realized that together you are Judge Judy." She laughed with genuine mirth. "I crack myself up."
"I'm here to take my bride to pick up our rings and our new motorhome."
Judy's heart did a little flip. The rings were lovely, but their new motorhome was a work of art. Their honeymoon journey was sketched out on a physical map and ready to plug into the RV's navigational system. Eventually, every major bucket list item between them would be addressed. But, for their honeymoon, Judy got to pick. "Yellowstone, Devil's Tower and Mt. Rushmore, here we come." She pivoted to return to the dressing room, tripped over a hunk of fabric and would have fallen if Wiley hadn't been there to catch her.
And since they were already in a clench, they kissed...until Pru tapped Judy on the shoulder. "This isn't Sexcapades. Come on, already. This wedding isn't going to plan itself. Do you want to get married or not?"