I took several photographs and headed out telling Ron I would see him soon for the Atlanta trip. I was so upset as I left, in my heart I thought Rand felt something for me and in my head I could hear that he was out and having fun, late nights, later mornings and with who I was wondering, but I knew it could be with any girl, anytime. Was I going to be satisfied with whatever playful extended friendship with kissing benefits I was sharing with him? Or was I going to have Thomas, who was saying he still loved me try to restart our past relationship?
Atlanta was already here, we were all set for the limo to take us, and Rand was not in attendance. As Maxwell reached for his phone, he told us that Rand had just called and would be here shortly. When Rand finally did arrive, he looked tired and not his lively self. He did come right up to me, took me by the waist, pulled me in and gave me a kiss on my nose. Jillian smiled and said, “Oh too cute.” Rand then gave Jillian a quick hug and welcomed her to the weekend for the show. She was putty when he released her from the hug. But I couldn’t focus on anything except for where he’d been. He looked like he just strolled in from yet another evening of all night sex and drinking.
Although the traveling for the trip was uneventful he did sit next to me and offered conversation to Jillian throughout the first hours of flight. He was mainly asking her questions about me in front of me. They covered all my likes, dislikes and yes, insecurities. Jillian kept up with answering him and the entire time they talked I watched as Raeford kept glancing at her with a look of anticipation. Raeford usually was laid back but there was a fire in his eye starting to manifest. I think Rand must have said something to him about Jillian, because abruptly Raeford leaned in and jumped into their conversation and then swayed her to converse with him the next hour of the flight.
Rand never took his hand off of me on the plane. I had covered myself with the provided flimsy, navy airplane blanket and underneath Rand slowly stoked my hands and rested his hands in the seam of my thighs. His head settled in on my shoulder and I could smell that Rand scent again. He breathed in and let out a sigh.
Our arrival in Atlanta was rainy and stormy causing all of us quickly scramble into vehicles to depart the airport. It was a messy morning there. Rand stopped me just as I was entering the cab to take Jillian and me to her brother’s as the rest of the band, Maxwell and Rand were heading to a hotel. There we stood in the rain as it was still coming down and stared at one another. He leaned into me and kissed me really hard, taking the back of my head and holding it tightly pushing in to his kiss, he said “I’m going to miss you’re not with us, but I’ll look for you at the show”.
Jillian had to pull me into the cab as the rains were intensifying and I was already soaked. I looked to him and felt sad and I wanted to turn and go with him. His long dark hair captured all the raindrops and glistened as he shook them off. He smiled at me through the closed window and I lost it. I told Jillian I felt something for him but with the other girls and his lifestyle who was I kidding. She held me all the way to her brother’s home. I realized later that I hadn’t even been a good friend as I meant to ask her about what she and Raeford talked about while in flight.
Jason waited very patiently while Jillian and I dressed like school girls in a dorm room, getting ready for the show, changing our clothes and laughing. We were acting so silly, it was so much fun. I had given Jason a Rolling Isaac’s tee shirt when we arrived and he was quite excited about us being there but more about the concert. As we all got ready to leave Jason told me, “Hey thanks for the getting me in the show! It’s great to have both my girls.” We walked into the show that evening arm in arm with Jason. Maxwell had come up to us and invited us to go backstage after the concert. I was always welcome back there but usually did not attend. But for this evening with Jason and Jillian and my thoughts of perhaps Raeford seeing her again, I certainly agreed that we would all go.
Their concert was amazing again and as they stepped onto the stage, I saw Rand search the crowd, his eyes scanned it and then he came directly to me. He smiled, he tilted his head down, he kissed his cuff bracelet. He adjusted the paper play list in front of him and then looked back to me and pursed his lips and blew me an air kiss. I looked deeply back to him but was taken back for a moment knowing he kissed his cuff with Ashley’s name on it just moments before. Was he filling me with softness while he awaits her return, had he been with her for all of his late night trysts? I was full of questions and worry.
Backstage was fun. I was hesitant to join them, but this night back there was like a family reunion. Kent had picked me up and kissed me again on the lips; he even picked up Jillian and kissed her too. Raeford was so smooth though, he just reached out and caught her hand in his and pulled her over toward him and kept her standing talking to him in between his legs. I think I saw Raeford kiss her too. Jason was in deep conversation with Maxwell talking all about the music business and drinking a beer and having a blast. Raeford introduced himself to Jason and they both talked quite a bit as Jillian smiled at them both. Isaac said, actually shouted, he really missed me lately. Rand took my hand and whispered to me, “Not more than I have.” He licked the side of my cheek and moved in toward my ear and continued to whisper, “What you do to me, you have no idea. I breathe you in. I hold my breath. I wish you could stay tonight.”
I was wondering if he meant with him, or the band. I was planning on staying here with them as long as they were hanging out, but then Jillian and I were going to return to Jason’s and stay on in Atlanta for another day while the band was returning to Philly tomorrow afternoon. I was so happy this evening. I was right here, by the side of the stunning Rand. It was wonderful to have my dearest friend Jillian here on this experience with me, and seeing Jason smiling happily with the band made it that much better. At that moment, I felt such happiness having this family of people surround me. I looked up to Rand and confidently said, “I’m here now, let’s not talk, just kiss me.” I had openly invited him to take my lips with all these people in our company. There, backstage I was now the girl he was kissing this evening. I had climbed another confidence step in taking him on. I wasn’t the young pretty girl tonight hand picked from the new corral of girls that so often came back to see the band; I was asked to be here, I was invited and I knew as his tongue slid into my mouth and circled my teeth and licked at the roof of my mouth that I wanted to be here this evening. The feel of him making me prickle inside, I definitely wanted to be here with him.
The lights were shutting off one by one backstage and we were all going to move out. I pulled from his embrace and he pulled me back in, saying aloud “We’ll be out front shortly.” As the last light dimmed and then faded in the darkness backstage, he took his fingers from tracing my already sensitive lips, tender from all his kisses, and he opened my mouth slowly and placed his two fingers on my lower lip and to my teeth. I began to suck on his fingers almost immediately, rolling my tongue around them and gently sucking them in and out. He gasped and let out a long sigh. He took his fingers from my mouth and traced a moist line to my nipples just under the strapless top I was and wearing. Then, he placed his other hand just under my skirt to the inside edge of my bare skin and lace panties. My thighs began to shudder at the touch of his hand.
“Come on guys!” Isaac screamed. I went to reach for Rand’s hand in the darkness but before I found it, I took hold of what I though was his solid, muscular leg but, that is not what I touched. I found that he was very, very hard and very aroused. I laughed; we laughed and slowly walked out to the front of the arena to allow Rand time to calm down. I had hoped that this wasn’t how Rand was each night backstage. I had hoped it was only with me.
Chapter Five – Ashley Revealed
We were all safely back on the ground in Philly and returning to a few weeks of normal life. Things were a bit unsettled for me though. Atlanta had been a great weekend and even the extra day Jillian and I shared with Jason was fun. It was nice to see such love and interaction between a brother and sister
and they included me too. But something was missing here at home, I wasn’t being included.
Rand wasn’t calling or texting as much, and he just seemed preoccupied and very busy. When I had conversations with him I wasn’t certain he was actually listening to me. One day I even said to him, “What do you think about the purple lemons that have taken over the world?” He simply replied, “Oh that’s cool!” I wasn’t sure what was going on but I felt a distance with him that I wished I could bridge. I missed him, my friend, and my stunning rocker. I just wasn’t sure what to do or if there was anything for me to do.
I had been contacted to speak at a local writing seminar so that began to take up some of my time keeping me busy as I had to prepare a speech and some ideas to discuss in an open forum. I also had been trying to put the band’s road traveling notes together, so eventually days and hours flew by with all the time I spent writing. For a few days, Jillian and I actually hooked up at the gym and all we seemed to talk about was the band. We seemed like the two oldest groupies.
Each night though, I looked up toward my bedroom wall and would smile at the Separation portrait, and yes Rand and I lately seemed to be separated. I said a silent prayer that my life would be fulfilled and that I would perhaps be happy again one day and possibly learn that I could give love. During these past days I had gotten another voice mail from Thomas who was again overly happy in his tone, and he looked forward to our upcoming meeting in Texas.
As I put my head to my pillow rehashing all that had happened in the past few months, it exhausted me. I was happy thinking that Raeford and Jillian were talking a lot and planning to meet up at some of the band’s rehearsals which she was getting excited about. I too had inner excitement just thinking of all the times with Rand, and I began to go over in my mind every detail of Rand, from his head to his eyes, to his…I stopped at his lips. I traced my lips and thought of him. I wanted his lips over mine so badly, and this was my last thought as I drifted off to sleep. I dreamt that night about him, seeing him standing there looking over at me, gently touching my face. I must have been deep in a dead sleep, because when I did wake up once during the night I saw I had a text message and I never heard it sound when it arrived. It was from Rand –
Good morning Madison, I can’t sleep and haven’t been good company with you or anyone. I’ve been in a funk and I don’t want to pull you into it. Just know all I can give to you now is I’m missing you. I was thinking if you have this Friday night open, maybe we could get together at the barn. I can play you what I’ve been working on. Let me know and if you are sleeping as I write this, I hope I’m in your dreams.
I had been dreaming of him and I was getting the impression that he could actually read my mind lately. I picked up my phone and sent him a reply –
What’s better than waking up to your words? I felt something bothering you but I didn’t want to pry. You can talk to me about it if you want to share. And Friday sounds great, what time? Miss you too.
Rand’s reply was quite simple –
Definitely do not want to talk about it. I am too drained already thinking about it. There are things you don’t know about me and we aren’t going to discuss this tonight, but for now I hope you can fall back to sleep. Even though you don’t need any beauty sleep. I’m looking forward to seeing you Friday, at The Wall at seven?
I read his text and knew that there was no way I was going back to sleep because I wondered what he was going through. I was overthinking that he maybe wanted an out and needed to tell me that he was back with Ashley or someone else. My head was going to hurt thinking so much, but first I did send him my reply. –
I hope Friday comes quick….at seven you will see me, I’ll even wear a Rolling Isaac’s tank so you can play to me like a fan. Goodnight.
I had been right about one thing and that was I never did return to sleep that night or the following nights. I did doze off during the day here and there but not a sound sleep since his words had me questioning what was going on. I did know that my entire body was anxious and hungry to see him again. I had thought of how close we became in Atlanta. I had held onto the hopes that he truly wanted me close to him. Even as I wrote about the band, as I ate meals, showered, cleaned my home, he was all that I saw in my head. I looked so forward to just the sight of him again. I thought about him over and over the next few days until finally it was…
Friday finally arrived. I had been pacing about all week like any girl does waiting for the guy to call her after she has given her phone number to them. I decided that I would take plenty of time to get ready so I would look attractive for him, I took a little extra moment to do my hair, and I put on a little more Light Blue perfume as he mentioned he liked that a few months back. I spent time picking out the perfect outfit, I was feeling like this was a date. I don’t know what it was going to be. With Rand, you never knew, one moment he is swooping in and keeping me close and the next I am alone.
Since the weather now was warmer this time of year, I thought I would wear just a plain white, long, sheer skirt, which flowed to the floor and it had an underlay fabric stopping at the knee and of course the Rolling Isaac’s tank top I promised. I wore white wedges, as I could wear high shoes, Rand had at least seven inches in height on me and no heels in my closet would ever be that high. Since my hair style had exposed my ears a bit, I put in long dangle earrings that hung below the edges of my hair. I refreshed my makeup several times and as the hour got close to seven I headed out the door.
When I arrived at their rehearsal barn, it was pretty dark. I didn’t see Rand’s Hummer there and no other cars. I parked and walked up to the doors, it was open as they left it open most days because someone was always rolling in. I did though turn more lights on when I entered. I walked up to the loft area near The Wall and sat to wait for Rand. I walked up and was looking at some of the additions to The Wall; time began to pass and no Rand. I went over to the bar and took out a beer, surely something must have held him up, he would call if he was going to be too late I thought. Or could he have forgotten? I sat there for quite awhile and when I looked up at the clock down near their studio it read eight twenty–two. I had tried to text him, but didn’t get a response and I was just about to give in and try to call him to see if we were still on when I heard the door below open. I looked down below to see that it was Raeford coming in and I waved from above. Raeford left the door open and he yelled up that he was going to be bringing in some new speakers. I figured maybe Rand was coming in behind him to help. Raeford first, though continued up the steps and hugged me and said, “Hey Madison what are you doing here all alone?”
I answered him, “I was supposed to meet Rand here tonight at seven, is he with you?” There was a moment of that dead silence, that horrible pause and Raeford said, “No sweetheart, he left earlier for Ashley…”
Raeford could see immediately my face drain and my eyes fill with tears, I said between my sobs, “I knew he was in love with her, I knew it was Ashley. I’m not a stupid person and I knew he was acting distant and strange all week. I know I can’t ever compete with her.”
“It’s not a competition,” Raeford looked confused.
“But, I’ve heard his ballad Missing Ash and it is so heartfelt. I’ve even saw the leather cuff he wears with her name and he kisses it after completing his shows. I can see in front of me how young and beautiful she is in this picture here on The Wall.” I slammed my hand against the wall. “I’m definitely not as young or as beautiful, I can’t even compare.”
“Oh you are beautiful Madison, I think you’re confused.”
“I bet him asking to meet with me was so he could let me down easy tonight. I think he was going to say goodbye. And, Raeford I was falling for him. Now he’s gone to be with Ashley. I feel like such a fool.” My eyes pooled with tears.
Raeford reached up to my face and wiped my tears and then he took my hands together and sat me down and said, “Madison, let me tell you about Ashley.” I was shaking with tears and l
ooking at him not sure I wanted to hear him speak.
Raeford was always a calm person, and didn’t talk very often. At this moment he seemed to want to share what was going on because Rand failed to enlighten me. While a part of me dreaded what he would say, I was all ears and poised to listen as Raeford began to speak.
“Ashley brought a personality like no other to the band. She actually brought all of us with our crazy, off the wall personalities together and she has been able to keep us grounded. She’s taught us what is important in life.”
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say?”
“Growing up without love from her father, Ashley and Rand formed a very close bond. She became his biggest cheerleader for all his music.”
“I don’t think I’ve seen her at the shows lately, she’s lovely, I think I would have noticed her.”
“Madison she’s actually always with us, and you’re right you have never seen her.”
“So you’re telling me that he chose to be with her tonight and not even let me know?”
“Madison, he has to be near her tonight, but he should have told you why. Madison, after Rand’s mom passed away which was very hard on him, Ashley picked him up and they became inseparable. She was here for almost every rehearsal and was at all our shows.” Raeford paused and said, “Madison, please don’t let this hurt you but Rand will never stop loving her.” I let out a sob and started to cry again. Raeford paused to hug me so tenderly and again wiped my tears. He then continued to speak. I was barely listening as my heart was beginning to break.
Rock Notes (Book One of the Heartbeat Series) Page 8
