Parly Road: The Glasgow Chronicles 1

by Ian Todd

  “Whit ur they daeing noo?” her maw gasped, the fear evident in her voice.

  “They’ve jist driven by us…didnae even gie us a second glance.”

  “Ye’ll hiv tae watch oot, Helen, hen. They’ll end up slinging you in the jail, if ye keep annoying them.”

  “Right, Maw, Ah’m offskie. Ah’ll see ye oan Saturday.”

  “Bye, hen.”

  Chapter Forty Five

  Johnboy hid never been in Flypast’s dookit, even though it wis jist oot the back fae his hoose, in the next close doon. Sometimes Johnboy wid open the kitchen windae and sit up oan the draining board wae his feet resting in the sink, looking oot at Flypast’s doos taking aff and landing oan the board. Johnboy and his maw used tae cackle like a pair ae hyenas when they’d see Flypast staunin oot in the middle ae their back court, trying tae get his doos aff the surrounding roofs. He’d be clicking his fingers at the same time as chatting soothingly in a lassie’s sing-song voice, “Hoot ‘n’ nanny baby, hoot ‘n’ nanny baby, there’s a good girl,” or “boy,” depending oan whether it wis a doo or a hen. Although it wis amusing tae watch, Johnboy knew, even then, that Flypast knew exactly whit he wis daeing. He’d watch the doo or hen move closer and closer tae Flypast, alang the roof and then aw ae a sudden, it wid take aff and float doon oan tae his landing board. The sound ae air swishing through the doo’s flapping wings as it slowed doon before settling oan tae the board wis amazing. By this time, Flypast wid’ve awready sussed oot whit wis aboot tae happen and wid’ve shot back intae his wee cabin up oan tap ae the midden, waiting tae snap up the hood oan the landing board tae catch it wance it landed. Every other week he’d see Flypast wae different guys, maistly oan their ain, staunin oot the back, watching whit wis gaun oan. Noo that Johnboy hid met them and knew who they wur, he realised that sometimes this included wan ae the Murphys…usually Danny…the comedian wan who’d wanted tae chuck them oot ae the cabin when Tony wis negotiating a good price oan it.

  Johnboy wis jist staunin at the sink, scraping aff the black burnt bits ae his toast, when he heard a whistle. Even though it wis bright and sunny ootside, he still managed tae clock his maw’s heid shooting up, reflected in the windae pane, fae where she wis sitting behind him.

  “Who’s that?”

  “Ma pal.”

  “Okay, Ah’ll start again. Who’s that?

  “Tony.”

  “Wan ae the wans who goat lifted wae ye at the weekend?”

  “Er, aye.”

  “Whit dis he want?”

  “Me tae go oot and play.”

  “Where ur ye gaun?”

  “Roond tae Flypast’s tae check oot his doos.”

  “Eat yer toast first. He kin wait.”

  “Bit it’s burnt.”

  “It’s always burnt. That’s wan ae ma specialities.”

  “So, ye dae it oan purpose then…burn the toast aw the time?”

  “Naw, Ah’ve always goat something gaun oan in ma heid and Ah get easily distracted.”

  “Like whit?”

  “Like worrying whit the hell ye’re up tae every time ye leave this hoose.”

  “Bit, Ah’m only gaun roond tae Flypast’s.”

  “Johnboy, Ah’m no jist talking aboot the day. Ah’m talking aboot every time ye heid oot ae that door.”

  “Bit nothing’s gonnae happen tae me.”

  “Dae ye know that Ah’ve said a prayer fur ye every single night, before Ah go tae sleep, ever since the day ye wur born?”

  “Jist fur me?”

  “Naw, Ah include yer sisters and brother as well.”

  “Ah thought ye telt me that God wis made up by some rich king or queen tae keep the smellies like us doon?”

  “Aye, Ah did.”

  “So, who ur ye praying tae every night then?”

  “Ah really don’t know,” she murmured tae hersel, gazing at the sky through the tap windae pane.

  “Here ye go, catch!” Johnboy said tae Tony, slinging him a slice.

  “Burnt toast? Lovely! Ma maw’s favourite recipe.”

  “O’er the wall or oot and roond the closes?”

  “O’er the wall.”

  They sat oan tap ae the wall, munching, as they watched Flypast through the open cabin door until he turned roond and clocked them.

  “Awright, boys? In ye come.”

  His cabin space wis aboot a quarter ae the size ae the boys’ new wan bit wis set oot much the same as theirs. He’d a wee bed cot, covered wae an auld carpet oan wan side, facing the landing board. His nesting boxes wur hauf full ae doos, aw sleeping oan their crops oan the opposite wall fae the door. He’d a wee rocking chair that hid a thick square cushion oan it that hid come fae a bigger chair. The cushion wis folded and moulded tae the seat and a stripy pillow wis tied oan tae the back ae the chair as a comfy back rest. It wis a right wee cosy set-up. Sitting beside the chair wis a pile ae True Detective magazines. The tap wan hid a hauf naked wummin oan the cover, looking right feart as a haun reached doon, haudin the rope that wis tied roond her neck.

  “Whit ur they aboot?”

  “True Crimes in America. Bank robberies, kidnappings, prison escapes, FBI, Mafia, rapes, murders, gangsters. Ye name it, it’s aw in there.”

  “Dae ye fancy a swap?” Johnboy asked him.

  “Wae whit?”

  “Ah’ve goat loads ae DC comics. Spiderman, Superman and aw that kind ae stuff.”

  “Naw, Ah’m saving these wans up as a collection.”

  “Ach well, if ye ever change yer mind, ye know where Ah live.”

  “So, whit dae ye think, boys?” Flypast asked wae a wave ae his haun. “Ah’m trying tae build up ma stock again since that eejit Crisscross wrecked ma place. He still hisnae goat back tae me. Ah jist aboot shat masel and hid a heart attack at the same time that day. Ah thought a bomb hid went aff.”

  “Ah think it’s great whit ye’ve goat here, Flypast. Ah’m sorry aboot yer cabin. It wis me that goat grabbed the day that happened.”

  “It wis fuck aw tae dae wae yersel, Johnboy. Don’t ye worry aboot it, son. Listen…take a seat and tell me whit the score is.”

  Tony explained whit they’d goat up tae the day before in sussing oot access tae the Murphys’ loft. Other than mumbling, “Aye, right, fine,” every noo and again, the only time Flypast spoke wis tae offer them a bit ae advice.

  “Ah’d get a rope and tie it roond the waists ae the wans that ur directly oan the roof. It’ll gie ye a bit ae protection if wan ae youse slides aff. That’s whit Hillary and Tenzing did when they climbed Mount Everest.”

  “Naw, it’s too risky. We don’t want wan ae us dragging the other wan o’er wae him if he skites aff. Apart fae Johnboy, we’re aw used tae running aboot roofs when we’re stripping aff aw the lead sheeting. Ah cannae believe oor luck wae the party though.”

  “Aye, Ah knew aboot the party. Ah’ve goat an invite masel. Ah used tae supply The Big Man’s da, Bill, wae a lot ae doos before they Murphy wans arrived oan the scene and knocked fuck oot ae me and Skull’s da. They thought they’d put the opposition oot ae the game in wan sweep bit Ah’ve kept oan gaun, despite the basturts. The Big Man’s da’s awright, believe it or no. It’s the son and his gorillas that ur the bad guys aboot here. Ah wisnae gonnae go, bit Ah will noo. It’ll gie me the perfect alibi because when the shite hits that fan, the whole ae the city’s doo men are gonnae get covered in it.”

  “So, whit’s happening at this end then?” Tony asked.

  “It’s good news. Ah’ve a pal ae a pal fae Kirkintilloch and he’ll take everything ye kin get. He runs a driving school so there’s nae problem picking them up.”

  “How ur we gonnae get aw the doos intae the back ae a Morris eleven hunner, Flypast? We’re gonnae hiv tae make aboot five or six journeys back and forth across the roof fae the dookit tae the exit loft. We’ll be using the big cardboard egg boxes ye get oot ae Curley’s. Taking the weight ae the doos intae consideration and the fact ae who’s transporting them across the tap ae that r
oof, Ah reckon we’re talking aboot ten doos tae a box. Anything heavier, and we’ll no be able tae get a good enough balance withoot pitching aff the roof. We cannae depend oan wan ae they randy fuckers no moving aboot in the box, trying tae tread oan a hen while he’s aff oan his holiday.”

  “Naw, Naw, Tony, don’t worry, son. He’s goat a dozen cars working fur him. If we kin tell him the exact time youse will hiv the doos, he’ll be there wae the cars, waiting tae pick them up. Ur ye sure ye’ll get the big boxes through the roof hatches?”

  “Aye, we’ve used them before. The doos will be sliding aboot a bit during that part, bit they’ll be fine. We won’t manage tae slip them between the holar boxes oan the landing board though, so it’ll be a wan-at-a-time job fur whoever’s sitting oan tap ae the landing board holar boxes when Skull hauns them oot.”

  “So, it’s Skull that’ll be in the actual loft then?”

  “No through choice, bit if it isnae him, life won’t be worth living between noo and Saturday. Anyway, he’s skinny as a stick, so there shouldnae be any problem wae him getting in and oot.”

  “Aye, his da wid be proud ae him, taking oan the basturts that gied him the brain damage.”

  “Did ye no get brain damaged as well, Flypast?” Johnboy asked him, blushing.

  “Me? Naw…ma balance is a wee bit aff and Ah get blurred vision every noo and again bit other than that, Ah’m okay. Ah jist make oan that Ah’ve goat brain damage tae keep they Murphy wankers away fae me. If they thought fur a minute that Ah wis compos mentis, Ah wid’ve been deid long before noo. ”

  “Whit dis that mean?” baith boys asked.

  “It means Ah’m okay in the heid. It’s funny, though…ye want tae hear how some people talk tae me. Some ae they pals ae yer maw’s crack me up, so they dae, Johnboy. Ah think they think that Ah’m deaf, as well as stupid. That Betty fae next door tae ye spoke tae me the other day in the street. ‘Aw, look at poor Flypast. Dae-ye-want-a-wee-sweetie-son?’ she asked, mimicking a wean’s voice and haunin me a penny whopper at the same time. Ah screwed ma face up at her as if Ah wis stupid and said back tae her in the same wee voice, ‘Naw, bit any chance ae a wee shag?’ It wis bloody hilarious, so it wis. She turned tae yer maw and said, ‘Aye, he might no be right in the heid, Helen, bit his other brains ur working jist fine by the sounds ae it.’’’

  Efter they’d stoapped laughing, they goat back tae the business in haun.

  “So, whit’s the score wae the money, Flypast?”

  “The price is fine and dandy.”

  “Really? He accepted it, straight up?”

  “Aye. Ah must admit, Ah wis a wee bit surprised at first as well, bit wance he found oot who’s loft it wis, he wis as happy as Larry.”

  “Ye’ll need tae make sure he disnae jist gie us aw notes. There’ll need tae be plenty ae coins mixed in. Ah widnae want any ae they Murphys tae think that we’ve jist been haunded o’er a pile ae notes fur selling aff a pile ae doos.”

  “That shouldnae be a problem. Maist ae his customers haun o’er coins fur their lessons. There’s wan really important part that he mentioned though, jist as Ah wis getting drapped aff.”

  “Whit?”

  “The Big Man owns three doos that ur kept under lock and key up in that loft. He’s the only wan that gets tae haundle them. They’ve goat tae be in wan ae they boxes ae yours that ur being haunded o’er or the price draps doon tae a score and ten.”

  “So, whit’s so special aboot these wans then?” Johnboy asked.

  “Whits so special aboot them? Christ, youse obviously hivnae a clue, hiv youse? No only ur they his top breeders, bit they’re aw first generation pure bred Horsemen Thief Pouters. There wis a batch ae them came across fae Spain tae Scotland in the seventeenth century. It wis a present fur Mary Queen ae Scots or something. The wans that The Big Man his, believe it or no, kin be traced back tae that original batch. He’s goat cartloads ae aw sorts ae paperwork and charts wae their bloodlines oan them. They’re like fucking royalty and totally perfect in every way.”

  “Christ!”

  “Aye, they’re aw self-coloured, wae nae tigers or grizzles amongst them. They’re totally well-sprung, engineered fae their waists up, and hiv goat perfectly generous wattles oan they beaks ae theirs. Their eyes ur a pure mad-man’s diamond red. Ah saw a photo ae wan ae them a few years ago, when a pal ae mine managed tae get a shot aff when he wis up daeing a deal wae Shaun. Exactly twelve inches fae the beak right doon tae their tails. They’d dae anything bit make yer breakfast fur ye in the morning wance they recognise yer chat. Brainy as fuck, so they ur. They’ll bring in anything that’s put oot tae them, and Ah mean anything. Worth a king’s ransom…or in your case, forty big wans. They’re absolute total perfection and he’s goat three ae the them, aw in the wan dookit…unbelievable. Every doo man’s dream is tae get tae haud wan in his hauns. Wance their chicks ur hatched, The Big Man gets them shipped straight oot tae Canada tae some gangster connection he’s goat oot there.”

  “If Ah knew aw this before, Ah wid’ve thought aboot blagging them fur oorsels.” Tony murmured.

  “Whit fur? Whit wid yersel or the likes ae me dae wae them? Ye couldnae sell them or even gie them away. There’s no a doo man in the whole ae the city wid thank ye fur them. Anywan caught even looking at them wid disappear doon intae the murky foundations ae a multi-storey, so they wid.”

  “Jesus!”

  “Aye, and Ah know where he goat at least two ae them fae. The third wan, Ah’m no sure aboot, although there wis a rumour a few years ago that Pat and Shaun killed two brothers doon in Newcastle fur it.”

  “Where did he get the other two?”

  “The first wan goes back years tae me and Skull’s da’s time. Don’t believe aw that shite aboot disease spreading. Skull’s da wis the first in the Toonheid tae own it. He flogged everything bit the shirt oan his back tae buy it aff ae a wee guy, who’s name Ah cannae remember noo, who wis emigrating tae Australia. Skull’s da, Mick, who wis nae mug himsel, widnae sell it tae The Big Man when The Big Man found oot wan ae the originals wis sitting in the Toonheid. Calum The Runner’s da, Matt, picked up oan whit wis gaun oan, because he worked up in the stables at the time. He passed oan tae me whit wis being planned. He telt me that young Pat, The Big Man, who wis only in his mid-twenties at the time, hid ran oot ae patience and hid jist sent the Murphy brothers roond tae take it aff ae Mick. Matt telt me jist in time, wae aboot five minutes tae spare. Ah managed tae nip up tae Mick’s, who ye know still lives oan the ground flair up in Barony Street, and explained whit the score wis through his kitchen windae at the back. Ah goat there jist in front ae the Murphys who wur banging the hell oot ae his door. Mick grabbed the big Horseman and passed it oot the windae tae me. Ah stuffed it straight up ma jumper, jist as they came in through the front door. Whit a hiding they gied the poor basturt. Dragged and kicked fuck oot ae him aw o’er the place. Wan ae them…Ah think it could’ve been Shaun himsel…pulled oot a polis baton and sat oan Mick’s chest. Every time he refused tae tell him where the Horseman wis, he goat skelped o’er the napper wae the baton. Ah don’t know how many times he scudded Mick, bit within twenty minutes they wur roond here. They didnae fuck aboot either, Ah kin tell ye. Wan kick in the ging-gang-goolies and a skelp wae the baton and Ah wis oot ae the game. When Ah woke up, aw ma doos hid their necks wrung. The big Horseman hid vanished. Wan ae the wans that The Big Man’s goat the noo is the great great, great, Ah think, great great grandson ae that wan. Ah wis laid up in The Royal fur aboot three weeks. They transferred Mick somewhere else and the next time Ah spoke tae him he didnae recognise me and jist rambled oan aboot aw kinds ae shite, like how wance he wis better, he’d be playing fur Celtic.”

  “Dae ye think Skull knows aw this?” Johnboy asked Flypast.

  “Who knows, bit he’s jist like his auld man wis…whinges like buggery, bit scared ae nothing.”

  “Whit aboot the other wan ye know aboot?” Tony asked.

  “Aye, remember ye tanned Mad Malk
y’s place o’er in Possil?”

  “How did ye know aboot that?”

  “Hoi, remember, Ah’m the stupid wan aboot here. Ah pick up aw sorts ae stuff.”

  “No the big Horseman?”

  “Aye, that wis wan ae them as well.”

  “Fuck, Ah never knew that. Ah knew that it wis a beauty, bit Ah didnae get a chance tae hiv a real good swatch ae it before he set that dug ae his oan me.”

  “Aye, Mad Malky’s still trying tae track it doon. Ah heard that some wee daft fly man turned up wae something that looked like his, trying tae claim the reward. He’d a photo that matched the thing perfectly, except that it wis jist slightly knock-kneed. Ye could hardly make it oot. Mad Malky didnae say a word fur aboot ten minutes, bit jist walked roond it, stoapping every noo and again tae stare at it.”

  “Whit happened?” Tony and Johnboy baith asked at the same time, spellbound.

  “Mad Malky bit the heid aff it right there and then in front ae him and then proceeded tae stab fuck oot ae the guy oan the spot. He only jist survived, minus hauf his liver and spleen.”

  “Aye, he did come across as a bit ae a psycho who’d lose his temper o’er nothing. His dug wis the same,” Tony said, laughing, showing Flypast the teeth mark scars oan his wrist.

  “So, how wid The Big Man know it wis wan ae the originals?” Johnboy asked.

  “He’s been tracking them doon fur years. Three weeks efter Mad Malky lost his, his wife left him and fucked aff doon south. He’d been battering her aw o’er the place since they’d goat married years earlier. They couldnae hiv any weans since she’d lost the first wan efter he’d gied her a right good hiding. Ah heard she’d hid a miscarriage efter being kicked in the stomach. Anyway, wance the dust settled a wee while efter you blagged the big Horseman, she contacted The Big Man, offering him aw the paperwork fur a good price. Ye kin imagine whit his reaction wis. It wis that payment that allowed her tae finally escape and start afresh.”

  Silence.

  “So, The Driving Instructor will need tae clock that ye’ve goat the three Horsemen before he hauns o’er the dosh. It’ll be payment oan sight,” Flypast said, breaking the silence.