Balancing Act

by Patricia Davids

  Walter lined up the cue ball and made the break. Colored balls careened madly around the table, but none of them dropped into a pocket. “Funny choice of words, defend.”

  Sam took his time as he searched the table for the best shot. He picked a striped ball near the side pocket and sank it with a quick stroke. “Merci wanted me to look at some house plans, that’s all.” The next ball he tried for stalled at the edge of the pocket. He straightened and watched his grandfather study the table.

  Walter missed his next shot. “So which one are you in love with, the blonde or the redhead?”

  “Who says I’m in love?”

  “That dopey smile you have on your face morning, noon and night. I sure hope it’s the redhead.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  Walter straightened and gave Sam a level look. “Because Cheryl doesn’t belong here, and you know it.”

  Sam concentrated on the table for a long moment. “She could learn to like it. She’s great with the girls.” He took his turn and missed.

  “Sure, she’s great with kids, and maybe she even likes it here, but she loves it there.” Walter gestured toward the barre and mirror with his chin. “There, she lights up like a hundred-watt bulb.”

  “She does, doesn’t she?” Sam stared at the mirror, picturing Cheryl’s smile when she talked about dancing, and the graceful bend and sway of her body as she practiced. If he asked her to stay, he’d be asking her to give up something as essential to her as air. How could he ask her to choose?

  Walter sank the rest of the balls on the table, put his stick down, then laid a hand on Sam’s shoulder. “I wish she’d leave and get it over with. The longer she hangs around, the harder it’s going to be on everyone. I saw you and the kids go through that once, Sam. I’d do anything in my power to keep it from happening again.”

  “Thanks, Gramps, but I can take care of myself.”

  “I hope so.”

  Sam didn’t answer him.

  Walter turned toward the stairs, then stopped. “Oh, by the way, I was over by the Hazy Creek pasture, and I didn’t see hide nor hair of Harvey.”

  “He was probably hiding, ashamed to be seen with his pedicure.”

  Walter chuckled. “Maybe. I’ll check the water gap tomorrow and make sure the fence isn’t down. It wouldn’t hurt to call the Double R boys and see if he’s slipped over in with their bunch.”

  “Okay, I’ll take care of it in the morning.”

  “I put Flying Lady in the box stall next to Bambi. I think she’ll foal tonight. Want me to check on her before I turn in?”

  “If you don’t mind.”

  Walter shook his head. “No trouble.”

  Sam watched his grandfather disappear up the stairs, then turned his attention to the ballet barre on the wall. Walking up to it, he gripped the smooth wood in his hands and leaned his forehead against the cool mirror.

  In his mind’s eye he could see how Cheryl looked when she stood poised in the light. It was, he realized, the only time that she let people really see her.

  The rest of the time she kept some part of herself hidden. Someone or something must have caused her great pain. He wanted to know what it was. He wanted her to share her burdens as well as her joys with him. She might love dancing, but he knew she cared about him and his girls. He would tell her how he felt—tell her that he loved her—that she made his heart whole again. Tomorrow. He would tell her tomorrow.

  With his mind made up, he crossed to his bedroom and softly closed the door.

  Sam wasn’t in the house when Cheryl rose the next morning. She knocked on his door but there was no reply. The twins lay curled up in their beds still fast asleep. Cheryl closed the door without waking them. After that, she made her way down to the barn.

  As she stepped through the barn door, she heard Sam speaking softly from a nearby stall. She walked toward him. He didn’t hear her approach. She leaned on the stall door and watched him coax a brown, spindly legged foal to its feet.

  His hands and his voice were so gentle, so at odds with his big size and rugged appearance. He glanced up and saw her. A smile lit his face. “’Morning, New York.”

  “’Morning, cowboy.” Her heart contracted and pushed a lump into her throat. She was in love with this man. She opened her mouth to tell him so, but the sound of Walter’s voice stopped her.

  “What’d she have?” Walter asked as he came to stand beside Cheryl and look over the stall door.

  “A nice filly,” Sam said, giving her a little help to her feet. “Did you find Harvey?”

  “Harvey’s missing?” Cheryl asked in surprise.

  Walter nodded. “The fences are all good, and I covered that pasture from one end to the other. There’s no sign of him and four of our cows are missing, too. I did meet two of the Double R cowboys checking the same fence. It seems they’ve lost five steers sometime in the past two days.”

  A deep frown creased Sam’s brow. “We’d better notify the sheriff.”

  “You think he’s been stolen?” Cheryl asked. An icy feeling crept into her veins.

  Walter slapped his gloves against his thigh. “Looks like it to me. I’ll call the sheriff. Then I’m going to pay that thievin’ Thatcher a visit to find out what he knows about this.”

  Cheryl steadied herself against the stall door as the edges of her vision darkened. This couldn’t be happening. Not now.

  Sam grabbed Walter’s elbow. “Don’t do anything rash. Let the law handle it.”

  “It’s your best bull, Sam. He’s a Grand Champion three times over, and four of your best cows gone with him. Years of breeding work down the drain, not to mention that he’s worth thousands of dollars.”

  “Don’t you think I know that? By now they’re probably out of the state. If you warn Thatcher that you suspect him, he’ll cover his tracks or skip out before the authorities have a chance to investigate.”

  Walter took a deep breath. “Maybe you’re right. What I’d like to know is how he knew where the bull was? Harvey was in that pasture less than twenty-four hours before he was taken.”

  “Whoever took him must have been watching the place. If I know Sheriff Manning he’ll want to check out everyone who’s done work for us in the last few months. I’ve got a list of employees in my office.”

  Cheryl listened to Sam and Walter in growing horror. Her brother was the first person they suspected. And why not? He’d gone to prison twice for the same crime. It didn’t take much of a stretch to think he’d try it a third time. She could find herself tarred with the same brush. She’d be investigated. No one would believe she hadn’t been involved, not after she’d kept the truth from them.

  She knew how easy it was to look guilty when everyone believed you were. The memory of those long, dark days in the juvenile detention center sent a shiver of fear crawling down her spine.

  As much as she loved Sam, she couldn’t bear to think of the look on his face when he found out who she was—what she’d been. She couldn’t bear it if he thought she was guilty. Angie would arrive this afternoon unless Cheryl left a message for her at the airport. Sam didn’t know she had talked to her sister. It would come as a shock, but maybe it was better this way. Better to make a quick, clean break with no time for a lingering goodbye. No time to watch her dreams fade as she tried to hide how much her heart was breaking.

  Sam ran a hand over the stubble of his chin. “Look, I’ll go into town and file a report, but I’ve got a buyer coming in to pick up some yearlings this morning. Can you take care of that for me, Gramps?”

  “Are you trying to keep me away from Thatcher?”

  “Yes, but more than that, I need your help now.”

  Walter gave his grudging consent.

  “Good.” Sam clapped his grandfather on the back. “The paperwork is on my desk.” With a nod, Walter left.

  Cheryl turned to Sam. “I need to talk.”

  A smile softened his features. “Good, because there’s something I want to tell you.�
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  He reached for her. She gripped his hand for a moment, then released it and clasped her arms across her chest. “My sister called last night.”

  His smile faded. “Your sister is back?”

  “Yes. She’s coming to pick me up.” She stared at the tips of her shoes. She couldn’t bear to watch his face.

  After a long pause, he said, “I see. When?”

  She heard the bewilderment in his voice, and she knew he didn’t understand. “Today. This afternoon.”

  He turned and took a step away, then spun around to face her. Anguish marred his face. “So, this is goodbye?”

  “Yes. You knew I would leave sometime.” She wanted so much to reach out and hold him.

  He brushed past her and headed for the workbench at the end of the aisle. He opened a cabinet door, then banged it closed and clutched the countertop in front of him. “I thought we might be enough for you, the girls and I.”

  “I’m sorry, Sam. I can’t stay.”

  He turned to her. “Even if I asked you to? Even if I said—”

  “Please, stop. I have to go. We both knew that at the start. I think we just forgot it for a little while.”

  He turned away from her. “There isn’t much demand for ballet dancers out here, is there?” Bitterness colored his voice with a coldness that chilled her.

  Cheryl wished she could find a way to ease the ache in her heart—and in his. Perhaps it would be best to let him believe her career was the reason she was leaving. “I’ve worked for years to get where I am, Sam. I can’t throw it all away.”

  “I don’t know how I could have been so stupid.”

  “Don’t say that. What we had was wonderful. Never doubt it, and please don’t belittle it.”

  Sam turned and stared at her for a long moment. Her pleading was so heartfelt that he knew it wasn’t a charade. There was so much pain in her eyes. Why? If her career meant more to her than his affections why would he see so much pain?

  “Cheryl, I was afraid of loving someone who didn’t love me in return. I thought you were afraid of the same thing. I was wrong, wasn’t I? What are you afraid of?”

  She turned away, but he caught her hand, preventing her escape. “I love you. I know that you love me and you love my children. I see it in your face every time you look at us. Please, whatever it is, we can work it out. Let me help you.”

  “Can you change the past, Sam? Can you right the wrongs done by other people? You can’t. And I won’t let what has happened before touch you or the girls. Please, don’t make this any harder for me.”

  “I wish you could find it in your heart to trust me. Because of you I’ve learned to love again. I love the way your hair catches the sunlight, the way your eyes sparkle with delight when the girls do something funny. I love the goodness in your soul—the kindness you shower on my family. Why would I want to make it easy for you to leave?”

  “If you do love me, you won’t try to stop me.”

  His shoulders slumped in defeat. He dropped her hand. “You win. I can’t change the past and whatever happened to you, but I know you can face it. You can overcome it. Until you are ready to do that, I don’t know how to help you.”

  Cheryl watched him until he stepped out the barn door and closed it behind him, leaving her alone with her heartache. She was a coward. She didn’t deserve a man as kind and good as Sam. He and the girls were better off without her. The knowledge brought a fresh stab of grief. She sank to the floor and covered her face as hot tears poured down her cheeks.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Cheryl managed to regain her composure, and she was in the kitchen when the twins came running upstairs, demanding breakfast. She thought she’d cried out all her tears, but more stung the backs of her eyelids as she watched the girls slide into their chairs at the table. They were dressed in identical blue jeans, yellow Western shirts and blue cowboy hats that hung down their backs by their strings.

  “What’s for breakfast?” Lindy sniffed. “Pancakes?”

  Kayla reached for her juice. “Where’s Daddy?”

  Cheryl turned the cakes on the griddle. “He had to go into town this morning. I’m making your favorite breakfast—blueberry pancakes.”

  “Goody.”

  “Yum.”

  She slipped the golden-brown pancakes onto plates and took a deep breath before she turned around. She placed a dish in front of each child. “There’s something I have to tell you.”

  “What?” Lindy asked, pouring too much syrup over her stack.

  “My sister called me last night. She’s home now and I’m going to stay with her for a while.”

  Kayla stared at Cheryl. “You’re going away?”

  Cheryl couldn’t bear to see the disappointment cloud their faces. She turned away and busied herself at the stove. “Yes, I am.”

  “But you can’t go!” Kayla insisted.

  “I have to, sweetheart. I have to get back to my work.”

  “You can’t dance, your foot is still broke,” Lindy shouted.

  “You said you loved us,” Kayla added quietly.

  Cheryl spun around and came to kneel beside her. “I do love you.”

  “Then why do you want to go away?” Kayla whispered. “Did we do something bad?”

  “No, of course you didn’t.”

  “Please, don’t go. We’ll be good, won’t we?” Kayla looked at her sister, but Lindy didn’t answer.

  “I can’t stay,” Cheryl said as her heart broke into even smaller pieces.

  “Are you going back to New York?” Kayla asked quietly.

  Cheryl closed her eyes and shook her head. “My sister lives in Wichita. I’ll stay with her until the doctor says I can dance again, then I’ll leave for New York.”

  Cheryl struggled to keep the quiver out of her voice. “I thought we could do something really special today, anything you girls wanted. So, what will it be?”

  The twins stared silently at each other for a long moment, then Kayla looked at Cheryl and said, “Nothing.”

  They got up from the table and walked out of the house, the untouched pancakes still on their plates.

  Cheryl watched them go. It hurt nearly as much as watching Sam walk away.

  She left the kitchen and wandered to the long windows and stared out at the rolling hills. She slid open the balcony door and walked out to lean against the railing. A strong south wind greeted her. The grasses on the hillside across from her nodded and swayed as they danced in the wind.

  Walking around the side of the house, she checked on the twins. They were with Walter. A cattle trailer was pulling into the yard and the three of them waited for it beside the barn. Feeling very much alone, Cheryl turned and walked down the hill to the garden.

  She hesitated at the stone doorway and gently ran her hand down the moss-covered stones. She leaned her head against them and gazed at the sundial in its circle of flowers. When she left here today she might never hear the sounds of happiness again. The true garden was in her heart, she realized, not on the other side of this stone wall.

  Before Sam and his children, her heart had been an empty, barren space. The joy and the pain that came with loving them were both the sunshine and the rain that had made a garden of happiness grow there. Without them, she was afraid only dust would gather in the corners of her heart again. She stepped through the doorway and sat down on the cool stone bench.

  She’d wanted to protect Sam and the children, but it seemed all she’d done was hurt them. Was she willing to leave and let those two children spend their whole lives believing they hadn’t been good enough to earn her love? Wasn’t that the way her father had made her feel?

  She loved Sam so much, yet she was willing to let him believe her career meant more to her than his love. That was even worse than failing to tell him the truth about her past. Sam deserved better. She had nothing to do with the missing cattle, but it wasn’t fair that all his hard work would be for nothing because of her brother.

  M
aybe if she went to see Jake, if she could convince him to return the cattle, or at least tell her where he’d sold them, maybe it would help.

  She pressed her palms to her temples. What was she thinking? She’d have to go to the ranch. She’d have to face her brother and grandmother and her bitter memories of that place. And why would Jake help her now after she had ignored him for years? Maybe he wouldn’t, but she had to try. She owed Sam that much. If only she were as brave as Angie.

  Filled with a determination to do what she could to help Sam, Cheryl left the garden without a backward glance.

  Walter was saddling a horse beside the barn when she came around the side of the house. There was no sign of Sam. Gathering her courage, she approached his grandfather.

  “Walter, I need a favor.”

  He looked up from his task. “What kind of favor?”

  “I need to borrow your truck, and I need you to keep an eye on the girls for me while I—run an errand.”

  He turned back to the horse and slipped its bridle on. “Can’t it wait until Sam gets back?”

  “No, it can’t.”

  “What’s your hurry?”

  “I’m leaving today.”

  That snapped his head around. “Does Sam know?”

  “Yes.”

  He nodded toward the twins climbing on the corral fence. “Do they?”

  “Yes, I told them. My sister is coming for me this afternoon.”

  Walter stared at her for a long moment. “Take the truck. The keys are in it. I think I’m going to miss you.”

  “I might just miss you, too, Walter.” She smiled at him sadly. Turning away, she crossed the yard, climbed in the truck and drove out of the yard.

  Lindy, sitting on the top rail of the fence, banged boot heels against the boards in frustration. “She can’t leave. I don’t want her to. I thought she wanted to be our mother.”

  “She does.”

  “She does not!”

  “She does, too!”

  “What are you arguing about?” Walter asked as he rode up next to them.