A Perfect Holiday

by Riley Murphy

  Well, he’d given her what she’d wanted, hadn’t he? She gotten her dirty weekend and he—It was his own fault for letting down his guard. Getting too close when he knew from the get-go that it was never going to be anything more than that.

  “Fuck.”

  It wasn’t until he left Sidney’s place that he put a call in to Caleb. “Yeah, it’s me. Sabbatical is over. Come by with my truck.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Sitting in the back of the Lincoln, Sidney tried not to let the usual resentment mushroom to life inside her. Especially when she noticed Ken looking out the window like a ten-year-old going to Disney. After spending the weekend with Riker she was given to wonder if Ken had fallen and sustained head injuries when he was backpacking across Belize to “find himself.” She wasn’t a hundred percent positive but she was fairly sure that one was supposed to come back from that kind of trip deeper and more in tune with oneself. Not Ken. Poor guy.

  Poor guy? What about her? She was the one continuously getting stuck with him. Constantly feeling bad, as she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, and finally after agonizing over the inevitable and dealing with letting Ken down easy, her dad butted in. Now she’d have to do it the hard way. Didn’t her dad know she’d never be happy with a guy like him? Didn’t he want better for her? Yeah, didn’t he care about her happiness?

  She sat up straight when the next thought shot through her like white-hot lightening. How could either of her parents know what would make her happy when she wasn’t honest with them or herself? She was too focused in on pleasing them and being who they wanted her to be. With Riker this weekend, she’d been more herself than she’d ever been before. Close, but still not truly authentic because she never told him how good he made her feel outside of sex. How much she’d loved his “different is better” analogy.

  As she thought about all this, her mom’s excited chatter became nothing but background noise. And by the time her dad pulled up to the valet parking she knew one thing. She didn’t need to be two people. She needed to be only one. The one person who had stayed with Riker because that would have made her happy.

  Once they were seated at a beautifully dressed table that overlooked the water, she cleared her throat and wanted so badly to say, “Guys, I think we need to talk” but the words got stuck in her throat and the more time that elapsed, the harder it was to think about broaching the topic. Drinks were served. Appetizers came next and then their meals, not that it mattered to her. She couldn’t eat. All she kept thinking about was Riker. Leaving him the way she had and how she was going to make up for it.

  “Sweetheart, you haven’t touched your fish. Are you okay?”

  It was rare that her dad noticed stuff like this with her. Usually it was her mother who launched the emotional feelers. She looked up and was ready to say, “No, I’m not okay. I just left the best thing to come into my life in a very long time for this awkward and pointless lunch,” when he went on.

  “I hope you’re up to listening because I think Ken has something to say to you.”

  Great. She slowly lowered her fork and turned to look at him.

  “Sidney.” Ken coughed, cleared his throat and took a drink of water. “I know we’ve hit a rough patch—”

  “Please don’t,” she quietly whispered. Interrupting for his benefit as there wasn’t anything he could say that would make her change her mind about the two of them. Judging by his sincere expression, she guessed he had a long speech planned to convince her otherwise.

  “Sid, don’t interrupt.”

  That comment from her father cemented who put Ken up to a possible reunion. Her heart ached for him. She knew better than anyone how hard it was say no to her dad. A man who was so happy with his own relationship he wanted everyone, but especially his daughter, to be happy too.

  “Sidney, I know I’m not the perfect guy for you.” Ken shot her dad a nervous look and at her father’s encouraging nod, he continued. “I know…I know I need to be stronger in certain things and I’m willing to work on this. For you. For us.”

  Sidney shook her head. Ken needed to know that there wasn’t—

  “I’m not upset, either. Even though I asked you not to tell your dad about me crying that one time, I’m not angry that you did.” This got her attention. She narrowed a look at her dad, who wasn’t supposed to ever mention that she’d spilled about that, before she turned back to Ken. Just in time to watch him reach across the table and take her hand in both of his. “I promise I won’t cry again because I know it upsets you. I promise I’ll be stronger when it comes to disciplining my dog too. You’re right about Sir Henry. He’s old enough to be going potty outside. I’m going to get rid of the training pads—”

  “And?” her dad prompted.

  “Oh, right, and I’m going to sign Sir up for doggie day camp so he can learn to be nicer to people, but mostly you.”

  Sidney looked down at Ken’s soft hands over hers and felt like absolute shit. What the hell was she doing here? But more importantly, what the hell was Ken doing groveling at the feet of a woman he didn’t even want? Swearing to be something he wasn’t just to please her.

  Her head shot up and she looked from her mom to her dad and back again. The more Ken continued to make promises to change for her, the clearer it became. Ken had somehow managed to slide into the roll of pleaser, a roll she usually played and right at this moment she was in the role of her parents – the people, or in this case the person, to please. Oh god. How had this happened?

  “No.”

  Ken let go of her and sat back.

  “Sweetheart, hear him out.” Her father threw down his napkin and sat back too. Normally the edge of disapproval in her dad’s voice would have her taking notice, but this time it didn’t have any effect on her. She was too worried about Ken. Yeah, Ken, because this was the first time ever that she felt connected with him on some level. Not a healthy one, but a connection just the same.

  It was her turn to reach forward and take Ken’s hand.

  “Listen, you don’t have to do this.”

  “But I—”

  “Look, this thing between you and me isn’t about your dog and there’s nothing wrong with crying over a sunset. So I may not like it when a guy gets super emotional,” she left it at that, “but there are other women out there who will. Trust me on this. You don’t have to be anybody but who you want to be and neither do I. Don’t change who you are for someone else. Different is good. It’s just your kind of different isn’t for me, and if you’re being truthful, my kind of different isn’t for you either. That doesn’t mean either one of us is doing something wrong. It just means that both of us have to continue searching for the right kind of different. Do you understand what I’m saying?” She waited a beat and then put it all out there. “You don’t really want me. Isn’t that the truth?”

  After a tense few seconds, he finally shook his head.

  “I knew it.” Her mother whispered, and slapped her father’s shoulder. Sidney chose to ignore it. This really didn’t involve her parents. It was about her dealing with a man who was formerly in her life. Letting go of that part of her past in a healthy way, without any corruptions. Well-meant or otherwise.

  “Don’t change for anyone. Not for me and not for my dad. I may not want to be romantically involved with you, but I like you and,” she looked at her father while she continued speaking, “you may not become an official member of our family, but you’ll always be a friend to us, right, Dad?”

  Her father scowled and didn’t say a word.

  “Right?” Sidney repeated. Somewhere in the back of her mind it clicked that this was easier. Facing down her dad this way on Ken’s behalf rather than having to deal with him on her own issues. When that thought materialized she lost some of her steam. What the hell? She should just do it. Face him down once and for all.

  “I don’t want to cause problems.” Ken moved to get up and her dad waved for him to sit back down.

  “Please.
Stay.” When her dad shifted to focus in on her, she braced herself. He was intimidating at the best of times. A gale force wind. A tornado and hurricane all wrapped up in one caring package that could crush her feelings with a single look of disapproval. No wonder she was so bent on walking the line. “What’s this all about?”

  She knew what the drill was. Normally she’d deflect and he’d be patient and in the end there wouldn’t be anything real discussed between them. They’d be back to her doing what made him happy. Not what made her happy. She looked at Ken, who was ready to commit to her in order to please them and go through the motions, but going through the motions wasn’t going to cut it for her anymore. Not that Riker was a hundred percent responsible for her decision, as she was already there when he’d entered her life. He’d just given her that added incentive of knowing she was doing the right thing.

  Riker was the right thing.

  “I’m not a square peg,” she whispered.

  “A square? What is she talking about?”

  When her dad looked at her mom, her mom, God love her, took a deep breath as if she were relieved or something and then said, “I think she finally gets it and I want you to listen to her. Listen.”

  Those words gave her the courage to say, “I love you, Dad, but here’s the thing. I’m not a postcard.”

  “What the ever-loving hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “You’ve always wanted the cheerleader popular girl who marries right out of college for a daughter and I’m never going to be that girl. I’m not. And you can’t force it by setting me up with a great guy like Ken.” She figured she’d give Ken props even though he was her opposite-sex twin in that he wasn’t the football star who married right out of college either. “I know you’re just worried about me. You want me to be happy like you are, but the way I measure happiness is different from the way you do.”

  Her mother threw up her hands as if to say finally and Ken let out a sigh and exclaimed, “Amen.”

  Her dad flagged the waiter down for another drink. “So what are you saying, sweetheart? You’re never going to get married?”

  “I’m saying I don’t know, okay? But if I do, it won’t be the way you and Mom got married. No matter how hard you try to recreate that experience.”

  Her dad wagged a finger at Ken and said, “This is why I didn’t want you going on that trip. It gives young minds time to wander.”

  Sidney channeled some of Riker’s calm as she asked, “Dad? What were you like when you had a young mind?”

  “That’s not relative.”

  “I think it is.”

  Her dad might have remained silent but her mom happily perked up. “We were a mess.”

  “Come on, none of that,” her dad said out of the corner of his mouth and her mom nodded.

  “It’s true.”

  Now this, Sid had to hear. “Go on.”

  “Well for starters, his mother hated me and my father…”

  In the end, Sidney realized the apple didn’t tumble off the proverbial tree for nothing. This was the first real adult conversation she’d ever had with her parents about having to deal with parents. About growing up and letting go. It was nice. And when she left the restaurant she wasn’t sure where she was going with Riker, if anywhere at all, but she was freer now than she’d ever been before. That feeling lasted until she got home.

  The minute Sidney stepped into her condo she knew something was up. It was still. Quiet. No, more like dead because Riker wasn’t there. Oh, her Christmas tree was lit with that one strand that blinked and he’d cleaned the kitchen which was thoughtful, but there was no getting around how empty her usual cozy place currently felt.

  She dropped her purse on the counter and headed for her room. She was going to throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and call him, when she skidded to a halt at the bedroom door. The bed was made. Her clothes were folded. Even the one crooked vertical blind she could never get straight was straightened. What the hell?

  She was thinking how weird it was that he’d done all this. It seemed so final or something, so when she heard a sound upstairs, like one of his stools scraping across the ceramic, she breathed a sigh of relief. He was home. Screw getting changed.

  When she arrived at his door she noticed it was slightly ajar. “Hello?”

  She pushed open the door and leaned in as she scanned the room. “Riker?”

  “Hi, Sidney.”

  That greeting caused a sick feeling to descend in her stomach. It was so distant and cool. “Hi. What’s with the duffle bag?”

  He tossed it down on the floor and ran a hand through his hair. God he was a sight. Clean shaven and dressed in a pair of worn blue jeans and a black t-shirt that fit him like a second skin.

  “My ride’s almost here. I’m going up to work on the house for a few days.”

  “Oh.” She swallowed and that bad feeling in her stomach got worse. “It’s because of me, isn’t it?”

  “Yes.” His gaze never wavered.

  “I’m sorry I acted crazy earlier. I’m sorry I said what I did and treated you like that. I…” She shifted from one foot to the other while she searched for the words but there weren’t any. “I don’t really know why I did that. I guess I was scared.”

  “Of what?”

  “Of my mom and dad catching us.”

  “Why?” Picking up his bag, he stepped to the counter and then scooped up his keys. “Because of the sunset crier?”

  “Ken? No.”

  He stuffed his keys in a pocket and shook his hair away from his face. “Then why?”

  “I didn’t want them finding out that I had a…a…one nightstand with a neighbor.”

  His brows shot up before they lowered when he settled into a frown. “I see. Is that what you think we had this weekend? Neighbor, huh? I guess that’s a step up from ‘that guy’ or ‘the maintenance man’, but then I’m thinking that this had to be more than a one nightstand as I think a ‘one nighter’ wouldn’t have signed up for that Christmas parade extravaganza I went on.”

  She took a step and then stopped. His cool gaze unnerved her until all she could manage was a whisper, “I think it was more too. Please don’t be mad.” He remained silent so she cleared her throat and spoke up, “I finally stood up to them.” More silence. “I did. At lunch I told my dad to stop foisting Ken on me, only I said it more diplomatically than that. No more living by their rules. I’m—”

  “Did you tell them about me?”

  She couldn’t look away from his eyes. “What?”

  His gaze drilled into her. “You heard me. Did you?”

  “No,” she admitted, because she didn’t have the courage to lie.

  He didn’t say anything as he walked around her. When he got to the door he called over his shoulder, “Can you turn the lock when you leave?”

  She blinked and then spun around. He was gone. He was going. “Riker.” She rushed out of his condo and stopped at the top of the stairs, watching him descend. “Riker, I’m sorry. I would have if…”

  He stopped and looked up. “If what?”

  If I’d had the nerve to face my personal issues with my dad, instead of filtering the conversation around the issues with Ken. She couldn’t say that. Admit to being a coward. “If the topic came up I would have.”

  “Bullshit.”

  When he turned to leave, she panicked. “Is that what you want? Me to tell them about you? I will.”

  He swung back around. “What I wanted was a self-possessed woman who stands on her own two feet and not an adolescent child who’s scared shitless of her parents. Grow up.”

  She gasped. That was a horrible thing for him to say and it cut deep too because it was true. “That’s what I was trying to do. With you. This weekend. I never…I’ve never done anything like this before. I was trying to be a grown-up.”

  “Here’s a bit of advice for you. Self-respecting grown-ups aren’t ashamed of people they sleep with. At least not the way we slept together,” he
said before he turned and headed down the steps.

  “This is it then?” As soon as the words left her mouth she wanted to cry. This was what he’d asked her earlier. God, this was probably how he’d felt. If that were true… “I’m sorry.”

  “I am too, darlin’. I am too.”

  She stayed there, at the top of the stairs, until he was out of sight. Gone. And that’s when the tears welled. For no other reason than when he’d said darlin’ this last time, it sounded hollow. Crisp. And so un-endearing, she nearly crumbled.

  “I knew I should have sent flowers and stayed home.”

  Sidney stiffened, but then she felt Martha’s hand on her shoulder and she fell apart. She didn’t care why or how the apartment manager was on the third floor. All she did was turn and step into the older woman’s arms.

  “He hates me,” she whispered through a broken sob.

  “Nah, he don’t hate you. He took the time to hurt you and that takes love. Trust me on this.”

  *****

  “You scared the chick off? How?”

  Riker circled his scotch on the Delta Airline’s napkin and frowned. “She’s not a chick. Her name is Sidney and I told her to grow up.”

  His brother winced. “Ouch.”

  Riker expected this kind of reaction from Caleb. His brother may be a love ‘em and leave ‘em type of guy, but he was never cruel to a woman. “Yeah, I was a little tough on her.”

  “A little.”

  “Someone needed to tell her. She can’t spend the rest of life hiding from it behind her well-meaning parents.”

  “Wow.” His brother shook his head and then downed the last of his beer. “On that note of irony, I think I’m going to say goodbye. If I take the short cut I can swing by your place, drop off the box, get those screws and make it back to the house before rush-hour traffic. Call me when you get to the Denver.” He stood and tossed a twenty on the table. “Actually, call me when you get to the cabin. Let me know how the new service is. They’re charging us an extra hundred to open and clean the place on such short notice.”