Bubba and the Curious Cadaver

by C. L. Bevill

  Someone went by and called, “Heard you got abducted by aliens, Bubba. You don’t looked probed.” It was followed by a cacophony of laughter that only went on and on. Bubba ignored them and scanned the crowds.

  Bubba did a double take. His mother just went into the front door, a gaggle of her regulars trailing behind her. Even Miz Adelia had wandered out from her dying mother’s bedside to take a gander. (The Cedarbloom’s house was only a few miles down the road, so she was likely only here for a few hours.) Bubba’s aunt Caressa and his cousin Dick took up the rear of the motley crew. Dick waved delightedly at Bubba before disappearing inside.

  His mother’s posse was followed by a group from the Dogley Institute of Mental Well-Being. Thelda of the multiple sweaters led the way. “Thou ruttish, dizzy-eyed wagtail!” she called to Bubba and his group. He wasn’t certain which of the four men was a ruttish, dizzy-eyed wagtail, was, but he suspected it might be him.

  Thelda was followed by Jesus Christ who was wearing a new toga made out of a pattern that had Despicable Me minions on it. There were some others who looked like they belonged to Dogley, but who was Bubba to judge? After all, he likely belonged at Dogley half the time.

  In fact, there was Ratchley and Cybil, a nurse and receptionist, from Dogley trailing after the group. Cybil saw Bubba and called, “Hey you silly Sally!” to him.

  “I think she broke up with her boyfriend,” David said, “just in case you leave Willodean.”

  Bubba glowered at David. “That ain’t goin’ to happen,” he growled.

  “Have you seen the you-know-whos who are watching for you-know-what?” David whispered loudly. Bubba winced because David’s whisper was about as loud as his regular voice, and several people turned to see what was the you-know-what and who was the you-know-who. However, they must have been disappointed.

  “I haven’t, and kin you keep your voice down?” Bubba muttered.

  “I should check my makeup,” David said.

  Bam Bam shrugged. “You look great, Snuggles.”

  “SNUGGLES!” someone yelled, and it was Ralph Cedarbloom who was freshly out of the hospital. In fact he was wearing a hospital robe over a hospital-issued gown. (Bubba had a passing familiarity with both and knew that one-size did NOT fit all.)

  Ralph trotted up in bare feet. “When I heard about the financial difficulties here, I had to come.” He held up a wad of bills, and Bubba hoped that he hadn’t mugged anyone to get it. Ralph saw Bubba’s expression and said, “My cousin brought me some change for the candy machine at the hospital. You got a suspicious mind, Bubba!”

  Bubba couldn’t argue with that. He did.

  Bam Bam leaned in for a whisper. “I ain’t seen no one yet, Bubba. You think all these people will queer the deal?”

  David briefly glanced at Bam Bam before going back to chatting with an animated Ralph who was telling David about his not-so-magical experience with a certain package of mushrooms.

  Bubba had to admit that he did, in fact, think that all these people would queer the deal. He didn’t know who exactly Homeland Security was expecting (The Book Man himself, General Buchman?), but whoever it was wouldn’t be pleased to see half the population of Pegram County carousing and whooping it up at Bazooka Bob’s.

  “Come on,” Bam Bam said. “We had to hire extra staff for Leslie so he could make a spread for all and sundry. I hope everyone gets a little something, and I put a plate aside for you, Bubba. Leslie makes this one dish called Chicken Continental that will make your mouth water like Niagara Falls.”

  Churro? Bubba’s stomach asked hopefully.

  “Plus we had to bring in some extra seating,” Bam Bam said. “I been working all day to get things straight up. We get a cut off the food truck and tips from the street entertainers, too.”

  Bubba thought about asking how Bam Bam had pulled this together but Bam Bam said, “Word of mouth, my brotha from another mutha.” His hands started to twitch spasmodically. “It’s amazing. I didn’t know this many people knew about Bazooka Bob’s. There’s peeps here from Dallas. And I talked to a dude from Memphis. He flew down on a private plane because he heard about the to-do.”

  “There are chillen here,” Bubba said. (Why would anyone bring their children to a gentlemen’s club? He did not know.) He eyed the Boomer family herding their horde through the doors. The youngest one was Lissa who was holding a penguin plush that Bubba happened to know was named Mortimer II. (No pesky “the” in between the name and the number.)

  “I know,” Bam Bam said. “All the dancers are toning it down. No nakedness tonight, just twirling, juggling, and fan dancing, and that one gal with the snake. The snake dances, too.” He clapped his hands together and appeared giddy. He likely was giddy.

  “I’m wearing a body suit under the fans, Bubba,” David interjected.

  Ralph appeared dismayed. “Really?”

  “We should find a seat,” Dan said. “Even Buddha dint want to stand at the back.”

  “Fear not, my bros,” Bam Bam said, “I have a reserved table for us.”

  “Okay,” Bubba said. “First a churro and then kin I put my hat in your office, Bam Bam?”

  * * *

  Serendipity shone on Bubba for a few minutes; he only had to wait a few minutes for his orders of churros. The food truck operators were in high gear and dispensing food at a phenomenal rate. Bubba’s biggest problem at that moment was deciding what kind of topping to get for the three churros he ordered. He finally went with chocolate sauce for two and dulce de leche for the third.

  “Are you eating all of those?” a voice asked.

  Bubba turned his head to see one of the dancers from the club. Next in line behind Bubba, she was waiting for the food truck server to return. He remembered her, too. She was Gummi Worm, the one who’d dumped Bam Bam for some reason and the one who’d warned Bubba that Bam Bam didn’t always tell the truth. No, it wasn’t that; she’d said that a person couldn’t always believe Bam Bam, which wasn’t exactly the same thing. “I am hungry,” he admitted, but he wasn’t going to tell her that he wasn’t eating all three.

  “Big fella like you,” she said, eying his biceps, “must eat a lot.”

  “The whole hog and sometimes the horse,” Bubba said, and nearly winced when the woman giggled like a three-year-old child. It was a noise that equated to one’s teeth biting down on the Popsicle stick after they’re nearly done with the Popsicle.

  “Your wife came in after you left,” she said after she stopped the giggling. “Searched the place, too. Everyone who was holding ran out to dump their stuff. I even dumped something.”

  “Willodean was worried about me,” Bubba said, not enjoying this conversation much. There was something off about Gummi. “Why’d you leave Dallas, anyway? Seems like there would be a lot more work up there. Regular work, I mean.”

  Gummi shrugged. “A girl does what a girl does.”

  That was about right. Bubba could have easily interjected that a woman does what a woman does, too. Then, a bubba does what a bubba does, too. Everyone was remarkably stubborn and willful in Pegram County. It came in the water, and everyone but Newt Durley was drinking the water.

  Suddenly Bubba saw the man in the Panama hat who had a heavy Latin accent. He passed behind them and went toward Bazooka Bob’s while Bubba cogitated over his presence.

  “You sticking around?” Bubba asked absently, meaning after the big event was over.

  “I don’t know,” Gummi said. “Probably not. I think I’ll go back to Dallas. I just need to get my car fixed.”

  Bubba brightened. “I kin he’p with that.”

  “I don’t have money,” Gummi said, a suspicious look crossing over her face. “And I don’t barter like that.”

  Bubba nearly swallowed his tongue. “I ain’t suggesting nothing like that.” He sighed. “Just let me take a look at it and see how bad it is. I got tons of parts and things at my place. We’ll figure out what to do. You kin meet the missus when she’s not in uniform.”
Once the words were out of his mouth, Bubba almost regretted them. It was the way he was formed. Helping other people was ingrained in his nature, even the ones who seemed a few guppies short of an aquarium. On the other hand, the sooner Gummi had a running vehicle, the sooner she would be out of Pegram County. “Which car is it?”

  “It’s an old Lincoln Continental,” Gummi said. “The white one in the corner with the big rust spots. It’s open, so if you can look at it, I’d appreciate it.”

  Bubba glanced in the direction she indicated and then the food truck server appeared in the window with the three churros. He paid and nodded at Gummi as he loaded up. “Look at it in the morning, okay?” Then an odd word popped into his head, unwanted and not something he normally would have thought of: Strippermobile. He would have wondered about it, but other things were weighing heavily upon him.

  Gummi shrugged and just then the server asked her what she wanted. Bubba took it as a sign and departed with his pastry-like booty.

  * * *

  There were so many people around the area that it took Bubba about ten minutes to find the carefully concealed position of Sheriff John and Willodean. He even passed an empty ambulance that sat off in the darkest part of the lot. Not far away was Bubba’s quarry. The pair sat in a Mercury Grand Marquis that Bubba recognized as belonging to Sheriff John’s cousin. The last time Bubba had sat in that car had been a time where he and John had been searching for Willodean. They’d found a nice shady spot where they could both see the parking lot and the front of Bazooka Bob’s while enjoying the air conditioning of the still running vehicle.

  Bubba got into the back while juggling paper boxes of churros.

  “Told you he’d find us,” Sheriff John said.

  Willodean shrugged. “Hey, sweetums,” she said to Bubba. “Is that a churro, or are you just glad to see me?”

  “Both I reckon,” Bubba said. “Chocolate or dulce de leche?”

  “Chocolate,” she said and happily took the box over the back of the seat. She made a yummy sound, and Bubba felt that all was well in the world for the moment.

  “That means you git to choose, John,” Bubba said.

  Sheriff John eyed both boxes. “I’ll take that dulce de leche, ifin you don’t mind, Bubba.”

  “Not at all,” Bubba said agreeably. He handed the right one over, and the three spent the next several minutes consuming the delicate desserts. “Ya’ll see anything worth seeing? Like spooks, feds, CIA, DEA, or the like?”

  “I’ve seen a lot of people,” Sheriff John rumbled. “It’s a party. My wife is wandering around somewhere with her sister. Says she wants to suggest to the dancers that they start a pole dancing exercise class for the daytime when the club isn’t being used.”

  “That’s not a half bad idea,” Willodean said. “I’m going to need an exercise class after this baby is born. Walking is fine, but you know.”

  Bubba protested automatically, knowing when an appropriate denial was utmostly necessary. Willodean spared him a brief brilliant smile before she went back to finishing off her churro.

  “Do we know what’s goin’ to happen?” Bubba asked.

  “I reckon it’s goin’ to be Armageddon,” Sheriff John said. “After all, we had all the other folks in Pegram County; it’s time for Homeland Security.”

  “Must be some kind of terrorist thing,” Willodean said. “They should have just told us. I’m going to ticket that Peterson guy again if I catch him driving around in that SUV. Just because.”

  Bubba knew that Willodean wouldn’t really do that, but if she caught the agent driving even two miles above the speed limit, she might. “They said something about a general,” he said. “General Buchman. They called him the Book Man.”

  Sheriff John made a noise. “That fella’s like the famous terrorist. Real dangerous type. Likes to make political statements. I think he’s of German descent but comes from Argentina. Don’t know what he’d be doin’ in rural Texas. Ain’t like we got a UN building to blow up.”

  “Maybe it’s all the attention Bubba’s gotten for the county,” Willodean suggested, sounding half serious. “People think that lightning can’t strike twice in one place.” She considered. “Or five or six or seven times in one place, anyway.”

  Bubba glowered. He hadn’t done anything on purpose. “I best to git back before my mother starts a riot.”

  Willodean turned in the seat and presented her ruby red lips for a kiss which Bubba was happy to accommodate. He didn’t stop until Sheriff John coughed uncomfortably.

  Chapter 25

  Bubba and the

  Beginning of the End

  Wednesday, August 23rd

  Bubba gingerly wound his way through bunches of people to go back inside, carefully trying not to bump into anyone because it was just that crowded.

  Bam Bam had cleverly thought to temporarily suspend taking cover charges from everyone, and was taking donations instead in exchange for one trip through the buffet. As a result, word of mouth had spread to the nth degree. (A helpful newly made sign located beside the front door proclaimed customers were welcome (and encouraged) to tip dancers, servers, and bar staff, and there were two separate change machines in case one had an urgent need for extra dollar bills. There was even a large smiley face drawn on the sign to show the level of happiness that these acts would bring.) The place was getting jam-packed and not necessarily in a good way.

  Bubba ultimately found the reserved table to one side of the main stage by virtue of Dan being the tallest person in the room, even though he was sitting down. Bubba found him quickly because his head stuck up above the rest. Dan was a big redneck signpost anyway, but he was signaling gleefully for Bubba to come join them.

  “Bubba!” Dan said above the 80s music that the DJ was playing. (“Who Can it Be Now?” by Men at Work played, which Bubba thought was ironically apropos.) “We done thought you’d got kidnapped or knocked out again. We wuz goin’ to come lookin’ for you, but here you are. Somewhere Buddha is smiling, but then, I reckon he’s always smiling and happy. Think there’s something he says about situations like this, but I cain’t recollect it.”

  “Was hungry,” Bubba said. “Churros good.” Using small words seemed to be the right thing to do because his mind was fluttering with what-may-comes and what-nexts.

  “So’s the buffet,” Bam Bam said from his seat next to Dan. “Leslie has outdone himself. There’s fried chicken, fried pork chops, country-fried steak, and a bunch of other things that has kept the grills going all afternoon long. I don’t know how he knew that so many folks would be coming.” He stopped and then added, “Not sure how he paid for all the food, but I guess that bill will come tomorrow. Might even be able to pay it. Wonder if they’ll take the Gremlin in trade.”

  “Where’s David?” Bubba asked.

  “Snuggles is getting ready for her big act. We’ve got Cayenne Pepper and her twirling lemons up first. You remember that?” Bam Bam asked but didn’t wait for an answer. “It’s the G version because of the kiddos. Then there’s Crystal Chandelier who does this thing with lassos. The cowboys will love it. She’s got ropes that work with black lights, and it looks wicked cool in the dark. Then, there’s a bit of Jell-O wrestling that we swiped from Grubbo’s, but we provide ponchos for the front two rows for that nasty splatter one gets from the red raspberry-flavored kind. I tried to get them to use the lime one, but Jade Sparkles told me it makes splotches on her skin. Then it’s Snuggles with her fan dance. I don’t know if you noticed, but there’s a lot of people here to see that. There was a rumor that it might be her farewell performance.” He winked. “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I guess it depends on his noodle and how fast it goes to some other persona.”

  “He’s not goin’ to show his goodies, is he?”

  “Of course not,” Bam Bam said. “Snuggles said that she’s got a big plan but that it was all kosher.”

  And you dint think to ask what it is? Bubba asked silently. He would have asked. He would ha
ve demanded to know what it was because there were simply so many people present, not to mention law enforcement, and folks who were very handy with the video parts of their cellphones.

  Bubba leaned into Bam Bam’s shoulder and asked in a high whisper, “Have you seen them fellas from the gov’ment?”

  “Ain’t seen nothing like that,” Bam Bam said, “and I been looking, too. I also been looking for that fella who’s a terrorist, too. Ain’t seen nothing like that, neither. What does a terrorist look like, anyway?”

  A mental image of Miz Demetrice popped into Bubba’s mind before he stamped it away. “I reckon one could look like anyone,” he allowed. “They come in all varieties, just like politicians or Amway salespeople.”

  Bam Bam shrugged.

  The DJ switched to “Funkytown” by Lipps Inc. Bam Bam started to bounce in time with the music. “Disco be almost as good as the King,” he called to the rest of the table.

  Bubba took the time to scan the audience for both feds and criminals. Mostly what he saw was a bunch of people he knew from Pegram County. Some of the dancers were weaving through the crowds as wait staff because the bar was open. There were also a few other waiters and waitresses that Bubba recognized from other restaurants in the area. Mamie from The Hogfather’s was dispensing a tray of drinks like an old pro to a table that included Foot Johnson, Mary Bradley, a part-time employee at Bufford’s Gas and Grocery, and Mark Evans who had once worked at Bufford’s too but now seemed to vary between doing YouTube videos and attending college all the while working as a dishwasher at Bazooka Bob’s. Kiki Rutkowski sat next to Mark Evans with her boyfriend, Dougie, on her other side. Both waved at Bubba when they noticed him and raised up drinks that had lit sparklers in them. (Bubba hoped that the fire department had inspected the place lately.)