Scrambled Lives

by Rue Vespers

  “I don’t know, but you need to get out of here!” Jenner exclaimed.

  “I’m trying to get out of here, you useless scuttle, but the Portal keeps rebounding me!”

  Since his very first day in Talvenor, wizards and former wizards had been talking down to Jenner. “Then use the damn door,” he said in exasperation.

  The look he received was scathing. “Do you think I haven’t tried that? I’m locked into my apartment! Someone has trapped me!”

  Thump.

  Thump.

  THUMP.

  The troll’s thorny crown appeared between the struts of the railing.

  In terror, the wizard hurled himself into the glowing oval. Once more, it promptly spat him out within seconds. He whipped up his wand and attempted to cast the spell yet again.

  The wand snapped in two all on its own.

  The top half fell to the floor, exposing feathers within the core. One feather had reddish-orange barbs and a stiff purple rachis; the second was a curled grayish thing, much smaller and with chunks of its barbs torn out. It was as ugly as the first feather was lovely.

  The old man blanched.

  Pinching the ugly feather, he pulled it out of the wand’s core to stare at it. “A Punisher’s feather,” he whispered in anger and horror. “They gave me a trick wand-”

  A squeal of metal overrode his voice.

  Ripping the railing out of the floor, the troll crawled up on his hands and knees to the balcony. The wizard blanched further and backed away when the beast’s eyes settled on him with malicious intent.

  A cold wind went through Jenner, his skin popping out in gooseflesh. Within that wind were the chanting voices of the necromancers.

  Awaken.

  Rise.

  Obey.

  Fight the trolls-

  “Goodbye, sweet baby boy.”

  He lost his name.

  He lost everything.

  And he ran for the troll as a soulless.

  He slammed his gloved fist into the troll’s face just as the creature began to clamber upright. The troll struck out while flying backwards off the balcony, one finger hooking into the collar of his shirt.

  The world overturned as the floor fell away. He launched out into space after the troll. Without fear. Without any awareness that fear existed. Without any awareness that he existed. There was only the troll, and the need to slay.

  They flipped over in the air as they plummeted, fists flying and teeth biting and . . .

  Squish.

  He was lying on his back in the dirt. Gasping, though unhurt. The wind had been knocked out of his lungs. The troll was at a sharp angle above him, massive arms hanging down slackly.

  Blackish blood dripped on Jenner’s forehead.

  Jenner. It wasn’t his own blood but the troll’s. The crowned Blue Mountain troll had landed upon an obelisk, the point penetrating his chest and killing him.

  The corpse slid down the obelisk. Jenner rolled over quickly to not get trapped beneath it. Sensing the danger was gone, the glove disappeared back into his blessing.

  He had died out there. He knew it.

  “Character upload percentage?” he said, his voice quavering.

  Permanent Character Addition

  You have been uploaded to the game. There will be no further updates.

  Final Upload: 75.0%

  75.0%.

  75.0% exactly.

  He shivered like someone had just walked over his grave.

  Palace guards and Armada warriors surrounded him. Swords jabbed out at the troll until Commander Odelon said authoritatively, “He’s dead. Get that Eldritch wand away so we can lock it up in the Royal Treasury!”

  Up on the fifth floor balcony, denuded of its railing, the High Council member peered down with the lower half of his broken wand still clutched in his fist.

  “Are you all right, Magus Chiarci?” a palace guard called up.

  “I am fine,” the wizard replied frostily.

  “A well-thrown spell, my lord wizard!” Commander Odelon rumbled.

  The High Council member nodded. Taking credit for Jenner’s blow. Well, Jenner couldn’t expect any more than that from a wizard.

  He didn’t care. He was alive. He was alive! That was what he cared about.

  “Jenner!”

  “Asshole!”

  Ocelo pushed into the mob of people, the teacup perched on her shoulder, and knelt down at his side. “You uploaded,” she said, glancing over his shoulder to an invisible stream of code.

  “And died,” Jenner finished, sitting up. “At 75.0%. That cut it too close.”

  No longer did he feel parts of himself beyond a veil, present but out of reach. He existed only here in the game, precisely three-quarters of himself. “I’m missing some things, but I can’t say what.”

  “You’ll find out over time,” the mermaid said. “And some of those things you’ve lost can be relearned.”

  “I told you there was nothing to get worked up about!” Rosy scolded. “You really are a fussy old gramma.”

  “What about the rest of the trolls at the wall?” Jenner asked.

  “Dead and scrambling.” Rosy leaped away to hop furiously on the dead troll’s head. “There! I took down this one!”

  “You did an amazing job,” Jenner agreed. Ocelo helped him up to his feet. “Your bravery turned the tide of battle.”

  “Maybe we’ll be in the morning news again!” Rosy said enthusiastically. “‘With A Little Help from Minor Human Player, Glitch Teacup Ends War.’”

  Jenner laughed, and it was over.

  Epilogue

  Inner-World News: Good morning! Select a headline below to read more.

  Talvenor Rejoices as Victory Declared in Blue Mountain Troll War

  High Council Will Award Special Merit Trophies to Most Distinguished Warriors

  Investigation Continues into Cause of Troll Invasion

  Vampire House Sacked by Angry Street Mobs; Survivors on the Run

  Were You Scrambled? Learn the Five Stages of Grief and How to Cope

  Notable ‘Deaths’: PATAH, ThatsWhatSheSaid, Mary Poopins

  “I know you’re reading the news,” Rosy hissed.

  “Shut up. I’m bored,” Jenner whispered.

  “I’m bored, too,” Ocelo said through a yawn, which she hid behind her fist.

  Several days after defeating the trolls, they were at the palace again. It was like the battle never happened. The outer wall was intact; the flowers replanted and blooming; the Feast Hall and towers and hedge maze repaired. Magic could be the only explanation. Everywhere else in the city where the trolls passed through was still being cleaned up.

  Jenner and Ocelo were sitting in a middle row upon a lawn among hundreds of players while a variety of government officials gave droning speeches upon a stage. Like wait times at the doctor’s office, Scrambled Lives strived a tad too hard to be realistic. This was exactly like Jenner’s high school graduation, just with armor.

  “Reach for the stars, graduates,” he mumbled. “I fell asleep during the speeches at my graduation.”

  “Your only limits are the horizons of your dreams,” Ocelo retorted. “I was buzzed all through mine.”

  Everyone around them wore slack-jawed expressions as two bearded wizards shook hands on the stage. Then someone else began to speak. In the row ahead of Jenner, a jewel-draped dragon shifter elbowed a friend and said, “I’ll come back in half an hour. Shoot me a text if they finish up before that.” He tapped out of the game.

  Rosy stiffened with offense as the outer-world player disappeared. The teacup was the only one in the rows taking any of this seriously. Polished within an inch of its glitch life, a black bowtie pinned around the base of its handle, it sat proudly on Jenner’s shoulder and awaited its chance to accept their trophy. Ocelo had gotten the tie from a clothing store for Talvenor’s tiniest players.

  As the speech went on, Jenner went back to reading the news. Or reading between the lines of the n
ews. There wasn’t a whisper of the children’s battalion on the Plains of Araholle in any article, nor was there a mention of necromancy used in the streets of Galadras. The High Council might have had a secret meeting with the necromancers, but there was no follow-up as to whether anything came of it.

  Not officially. Just whispers. If a player hadn’t been at either scene, he or she would never know that those things had happened. It made Jenner look at the morning news in a different way, wondering what else was getting left out.

  He looked at the highest-ranking officials on stage in a different way, too. Their quests, he suspected, weren’t anything like his. While he ran about in search of fortune and weapons and level-ups, they fought to retain what they’d already amassed in power.

  Jenner wasn’t sure he wanted to play their games. Yet refusing to play those games didn’t mean he could avoid them or their consequences. But those were problems for another time.

  The speeches were at last ending. One by one, the rows were called up to accept their trophies, actual trophies heaped upon tables along the stage. While waiting for their row to be summoned, Jenner nudged Ocelo. “What are we supposed to do with real trophies? I’m not letting that thing take up weight in my inventory and I’ll look stupid carrying it around.”

  “Hitch it to your belt and make cute serving girls fill it up with ale in taverns today,” Ocelo suggested. “Then sell it off for a few silvers like the rest of us always do.”

  “Shh!” Rosy leaped between their shoulders to whack them with the spoon.

  Grinning, Jenner resolved to ask Ocelo out to dinner sometime. Maybe tonight.

  It was their turn. The players along their row shuffled out and stood in line at the stage. Jenner fidgeted until he saw a floating silver box with a camera lens. Crap! He straightened, lifted his chin, and attempted to look serious until he’d gotten his trophy and walked out of the box’s range.

  “I’ll expect to see you two tomorrow morning,” said a voice gruffly from the sidelines.

  It was Commander Odelon.

  Jenner’s posture went so straight that his spine cracked. “See us?” he asked.

  The plume waved as the man nodded. “At House Armada.”

  Jenner’s jaw dropped, and Rosy jumped up from pure shock. It misjudged its landing, missing Jenner’s shoulder and tumbling down into the trophy.

  “Is there a problem, Gavvus Jenner?” the commander inquired.

  “No,” Jenner said breathlessly. “No! We’ll be there.”

  The man shook Ocelo’s hand and turned away. Jenner kept a cool face until he was well away from the commander. “Armada!” he burst at the mermaid. “House Armada just asked me to show up!”

  “He asked me, too, you glory hog! Get me out of here so I can tell everybody in Talvenor!” Rosy squawked within the trophy. “GET ME OUT!”

  Jenner pried at the handle, and then overturned the trophy to shake it. “I’ll take all of their combat classes so if I lose my Zerotte, I’ll still be good,” he said in excitement. “And I’ll earn so much gold and go on so many quests and maybe one day I’ll be a commander!”

  Ocelo didn’t agree with him.

  “GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” Rosy yelled.

  Banging the trophy on his knee, Jenner said, “What? What do you see, Ocelo?”

  “I see nothing.” The breeze ruffled her long hair and made her even lovelier to him. “Do you know what often happens to the best laid plans in Talvenor?”

  “No.”

  Her smile was sad. Sad but wise. “They get scrambled.”

  He had the luck of the game gods, though! That wouldn’t happen to him. His future was as bright as a Portal.

  Ping.

  He ignored the call to shake the trophy with all of his strength.

  Ping-ping.

  Sighing, he tucked the trophy in his armpit. “Answer.”

  The blocks gathered into a television screen. It was a recorded message from a plucky blonde in a pinstriped business suit. A normal outfit in the outer world, as he remembered it; a strange sight within the game.

  “Hello, Scrambled Lives perma-added character!” she said warmly. “You will be pleased to learn that you have a guest waiting for you at Visitors’ Village! Just tap the door icon and you will be transported from wherever you are in Talvenor to the village for a visit with your friend or family member. Stop at the Arrival Pavilion to pick up your guest and have a lovely time!”

  The blocks vanished, but left a door icon hovering in the air.

  “What is it?” Ocelo asked.

  “Someone is waiting for me at Visitors’ Village,” Jenner said. “I never noticed that on the map anywhere.”

  “The village isn’t on the map. It’s apart from Talvenor.” Ocelo stuck her trophy in her own armpit and took his trophy away. She pulled fruitlessly at Rosy’s handle. “How did you get wedged in there so badly?”

  “Just get me out!” Rosy whined.

  “What do you do in the village?” Jenner asked.

  Ocelo grew her hair into the trophy in an attempt to twine it around the teacup and pry it out that way. “I can’t tell you because I’ve never gone there. Nobody has ever come to visit me in the game.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. This is my world now, my only world, and I love it.”

  “Out-out-out-out-out,” Rosy chanted. She pulled her hair, but had no more luck at freeing the cup.

  He would ask her out, Jenner thought. Tonight.

  Reading his mind, she said, “Tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow,” he agreed.

  Shaking her head at the cup, her hair withdrew. “I need goose grease, Rosy. Sit tight.”

  Her purplish eyes flicked to the door icon, which she shouldn’t have been able to see, but the mermaid was aware of deeper levels to this game than most. “Go, Jenner. Don’t keep your guest waiting. Why don’t we meet up at Treasure Chest later? Dan will have something to get Rosy out.”

  “Dan will save me,” Rosy said pathetically. “Brothels are full of lube.”

  “All right. Be good for Ocelo, Rosy,” Jenner said, and tapped the icon.

  The door sucked him through without delay and deposited him within an alley. Beyond it was a merry street scene.

  Congrats! You have earned a merit trophy for Visitors’ Village!

  Need a map of Visitors’ Village? Check your inventory!

  Fun Fact Time! Like to shop? Want to catch the Sea Monster show? How about mini-golf? Visitors’ Village is chock-full of entertainments, and many of them are free! With thirty-five restaurants, ten taverns and wine bars, three movie theaters, two petting zoos, and an amusement park, you can make every moment count.

  He stepped out of the alley.

  People were wandering up and down the promenade in happy groups, stepping into the stores or just cruising the windows. This place was a comforting blend of the inner-world and outer-world. There were no cars upon the roads, as a tribute to Talvenor, yet here one could patronize a number of chain restaurants from out there. The tangled aromas exuding from the doorways were delicious. Jenner recognized the Chuckles Burgers, Pasta Palace, and the Tick Tock Taco Time from his former life.

  Hogdoor’s Pizza, however, belonged to Scrambled Lives. A man in a troll costume was dancing in front of the restaurant and twirling a sign. Jenner remembered those shitty jobs from his old life. He thought he might have done something like that back in high school.

  Was it for a pizza place? A car wash? Something else? He had no idea. A quarter of him was gone.

  It didn’t bother him, nor had it bothered him over the last few days to discover the little pieces he was missing. Dan the Troll had taught Jenner cashew from macadamia from almond from peanut when he could not tell them apart from one another. Ocelo mentioned a class called algebra and Jenner found a void in his mental banks. It was some kind of math where letters and numbers joined in unholy matrimony, as the mermaid explained. There were universities within Gala
dras. If Jenner cared to fill that void, he could enroll. If not, she reassured him that algebra wasn’t very relevant to the life he would be leading from now on.

  He wouldn’t fill in that blank. Why bother? She was right. She always was. This was his world now, his only world.

  He consulted his map of the village and strolled along the promenade to the Arrival Pavilion. It was strange to think that he was dead out there. Dead and gone when he was so very much alive, alive and well and pretty much the same person he had always been. And it was strange to know that leaving was not an option, yet he didn’t miss the life that he left behind.

  That life had held nothing for him, and here . . . here everything was possible.

  He went up the steps to the open-air pavilion. Seated at tables around the room were waiting visitors, some alone and others in groups of two and three.

  There she was.

  She looked so thin. So weary, so worried, and so drained. While Jenner gallivanted through Talvenor, she was in his hospital room, and afterwards at his funeral.

  Her character was a little different than her outer-world self, her long hair loose instead of in its sensible ponytail, her usual work clothes traded out for a green velvet dress. Her hands were wringing nervously as she cast her eyes about the pavilion.

  He knew why. That part of him uploaded before his outer-world death. She had only ever played old-style games back when she was a kid, where you held a controller and moved your character with your thumbs while you stared at the game playing on a TV screen. To step into an immersive world like this was a wholly different experience.

  He stopped at her table. Shock filled her bluish-gray eyes, her hands flying up to cover her mouth.

  Then she began to cry as she shoved her chair back to rise. “Jenner? Is that really you?”

  “Mom!” he exclaimed, wrapping her up in a tight hug, and then he offered his arm to show her his new home.

  THE END

  Author’s Note:

  Days after I finished the rough draft of Scrambled Lives, my wife was killed in a car crash. She was my editor and my biggest fan, in addition to being my partner and my very best friend for over twenty years. D, this book is for you.