Once a Champion

by Jeannie Watt

  “Me. Dad. Ryan’s mom. I don’t know if he knows. I don’t think he does.”

  “Your mom?”

  Matt shook his head. “As far as I know, no. Which is why I’ve never let on that I know. I just stood on the other side of that trailer, listening when I should have walked away, and since that time I’ve never said a word.”

  Liv simply stared at him, knowing exactly what he was talking about, since the same thing had recently happened to her, and trying to think of what on earth she could say, when all she wanted to do was to put her arms around the fifteen-year-old boy who’d just had his world destroyed.

  “You’ve never talked to anyone about this?”

  “How? What if it got back to my mom?”

  “Maybe she knows.”

  “And what if she doesn’t?”

  Liv could see his point. So for over fifteen years he’d carried the secret...no wonder she’d sensed that there were issues between him and his father.

  “And your dad?”

  “I...try to have a relationship.”

  “Never the same?”

  “How could they be?”

  Liv reached out to touch him. He caught her hand before it landed on his arm, held her fingers. For contact? Or to keep her from touching him?

  All these years and he’d never told anyone. But now he was telling her.

  She would think about how much that frightened her later. Right now...right now she needed to think about Matt.

  “You know I’ll never whisper a word.”

  “If I didn’t I wouldn’t have said anything.”

  Emotion tinged again with fear swelled inside of her. She was touched that he’d told, afraid that it meant he was seeing her as more than a friend.

  “So you handled the stress by roping,” she finally said.

  “I needed to be the better son,” Matt said simply. “I needed to beat my brother, who shouldn’t even have existed.”

  But he did and he was Matt’s greatest competition, then and now.

  “I couldn’t understand why he—my dad—would knock someone up when I was less than a year old. Wasn’t I enough for him?”

  “I’m sure it was an accident.”

  “That he was boinking someone in a nearby city?”

  “The pregnancy.”

  “Maybe. Maybe not. Back then, I guess, it pissed me off that my mom and I hadn’t been enough. Then, well, Ryan was so damned good, but he didn’t even try to go national. Until last year he was content staying on the Montana circuit, dominating there. And then when he did go national, he was great.”

  “You won world titles.”

  “And he came close last year, but I didn’t make enough money to qualify for the NFR. I don’t know if he would have beaten me.”

  “So all this is just to beat your brother?”

  “Half brother, and no. Some of it is because I don’t have anything else to do for a living. I can’t come back here and ranch with my dad and I don’t have any other training.” A good point. “I can probably land a job, but—” he gave a faint scoffing laugh “—I’ve been spoiled. I want to keep doing what I do well. I like being me.”

  Liv laughed a little, trying to take the edge off Matt’s tension. “You are going to have to build a bigger house—one that can contain both you and your ego.”

  Matt took her shoulders and gently pushed her back onto the pillows. “Maybe not,” he said as he supported himself with elbows planted on either side of her head. “Craig is supposed to be heading north in another week. That should free up some space for my ego.”

  “Will you miss him?” she asked.

  He surprised her by saying, “Yes.”

  “My heart just officially melted.”

  “That’s the way I want you. Melting all over me.”

  “Then I’d better be on top.”

  “No way, sister,” he said before kissing her long and hard. “You can have the top tomorrow.”

  * * *

  MATT’S CONFESSION ATE at her. This was supposed to be a casual affair, and Liv promised herself before it began that she would not ignore the red flags as they appeared.

  Red flag number one: Matt had told her a secret he’d told no one else. That smacked of deep trust. Fine if she were simply his friend, but when she was also his lover, that muddied the waters—at least as far as she was concerned.

  Red flag number two: her heart was breaking for him, both as a boy whose world had been rocked and as a man who was still working out a way to deal with the anger.

  He’d never told anyone, except for her.

  What did she owe him in return? A shoulder? Moral support? Silence?

  The latter would have to do because feeling the need to make it all better for him was seriously seizing her up. Making things better, smoothing the waters were the hallmarks of falling back into the old habits.

  Old habits would destroy her. She could not live her mother’s life.

  So the next move will be...

  Liv hadn’t a clue. She looked forward to her time with Matt. Every time they were together and every time she was able to part company without asking when they might see each other again, or making plans for the next day, made her feel more in control of her own destiny.

  But it didn’t stop her from looking forward to seeing him whenever she could. And it didn’t stop her from getting angry every time she saw those needle marks in his leg.

  After the confession, things changed between them. Matt withdrew somewhat, as if he regretted telling her about his half brother—which actually comforted her. He’d slipped up, trusted her with more than he should have and now he regretted it.

  But when he made love to her, things had changed there, too. He was quieter than before. He saw to her pleasure, seemed to enjoy himself, but some of the abandon was gone, and Liv wasn’t certain what—if anything—to do about it.

  * * *

  MATT HADN’T EXPECTED the house to feel so empty after Willa picked up Craig five days after her I-got-the-job email. He missed the kid, but it’d been easy to see how happy Craig was to be reunited with his mom—even if he was going to have to continue fighting the Crag/Craig battle. Maybe someday when Matt went to visit—as he’d promised he would—he’d have a serious talk with Willa. None of his business, and he didn’t want to hurt his cousin’s feelings, but, really? Crag?

  The only truly positive aspect of Craig leaving was that Matt and Liv had a safe place to rendezvous. And rendezvous they did—which only served to convince Matt that he sucked at no-strings.

  He’d never had a problem with strings—as long as he found a woman he wanted to be tied to. If he didn’t find her, he was quite happy exploring, but once he did, he was the settling kind. Ironically, Liv was not and she showed no signs of weakening her resolve. It was killing him in a way. And she was concerned about someone controlling her.

  She also had a major problem with his knee treatment. They hadn’t talked about it in the days since he’d told her about Ryan, but it still bothered her and he wondered if that was a huge part of the unspoken problem between them. Maybe if she just watched him go through his paces, it might reassure her that he wasn’t numbing the pain so he could bend the joint backward or anything. She could see he avoided lateral movements and that the brace did most of the work supporting the joint; then maybe she’d see that the injections merely helped him get through this rough patch and allowed him to train.

  With that in min
d, he approached the subject as she left his place after eating dinner with him.

  “I thought you might come watch me rope,” he said as he walked her out onto the porch.

  “I don’t think so.” And before he could say anything, she added, “You know why.”

  “The why is the reason I want you to watch. What I’m doing is the same thing I’ve always done. I wear the brace, the knee is protected. I’m not destroying myself.”

  “Then why does your knee have to be numbed?”

  “Because it makes practice easier. And it’s not totally numbed. I can still feel and it still hurts like a son of a bitch sometimes.”

  “Pain is nature’s way of saying stop. You’re too stubborn to get the message.”

  “Liv...” He put his hands on her shoulders and felt her muscles tense. “Walk over to the arena when you’re done with practice. Just watch. Once.”

  She opened her mouth, then thought better of whatever she’d been about to say. Instead, she swallowed and made an obvious effort to relax. He kept his hands right where they were, drawing strength, which was an irony, since he needed the strength to hold his own against her resistance to letting their lives mesh any further than they already were.

  Liv was on a journey. Would he be left along the road at some point?

  He had a strong feeling that was part of her master plan. After Trena he’d pretty well sworn never again, but here he was, with a woman who responded to him passionately when they made love, but refused to let the relationship move past friendship. And he didn’t even have the satisfaction of getting to beat the shit out of the guy who’d given her the wakeup call. In his opinion, she was going overboard, but it was the only way she felt secure and it was hard to argue with that.

  “Forget I said anything,” he said, stepping back. His words were clipped, the result of frustration over things he couldn’t control but had to deal with.

  “I can’t condone what you’re doing.”

  “I’m not asking you to condone it,” he said, honestly wishing now he hadn’t said anything. “I’m asking you to gather some information instead of proceeding with a closed mind.”

  “Really,” she said stonily. “A closed mind. Which of us has a bit more training in the field of physiology?”

  “If we have this no-strings relationship you say we have, then why do you even care?”

  “Professional ethics.”

  “Ah. A matter of principle.”

  “I would have the same concerns regardless of who you were.”

  “Who am I, Liv? To you?”

  “Don’t make me label this.”

  “That’s right. You don’t like labels, even if they’re accurate. I remember that screw buddy was off-limits.”

  “Look—” she rounded on him “—I told you what I could give. You said you could accept that.”

  “And now I want to know why that’s all you can give. You didn’t make any rules about that.”

  “I have to go,” she said.

  “I’m sure you do.”

  “I’m not a coward, Matt. I’m a realist. I’ve made some decisions about my life and I’m standing by them.”

  “No matter who you hurt in the process?”

  Her mouth went flat and then she turned and walked out the door. It’d be great to call her back, to tell her he was sorry, but he wasn’t certain he was.

  * * *

  THAT HAD BEEN uncalled for. She’d been nothing but up-front with Matt and he’d said he agreed and now...

  Why on earth was this happening? And why couldn’t she have been like Shae and told Matt she was attracted to him back when she’d wanted so desperately to date him? Then this would all be over and done with and she’d have moved on with her life.

  Except the thought of moving on didn’t feel so good.

  Red flag of the highest order.

  Liv drew in a breath, told herself she was overthinking, overreacting. She was angry at what she saw as Matt breaking the rules, but really, what had he done except ask her to come and watch him? She made a quantum leap into thinking she was being controlled. He’d just asked. Not cajoled, not implored, but simply asked. And he’d had a solid reason—from his point of view. Nothing was going to change her thoughts on what he was doing and why it was wrong.

  Bottom line, she’d overreacted, but she still wasn’t going to watch him rope. Not while he was shooting painkillers into himself.

  * * *

  TIM WAS FINALLY up and around and for once in his life not ignoring the advice of others. He allowed Liv to do what she had time to do around the place, hired Walter across the road to do the remaining chores. He never mentioned asking Matt to come back and wondered just what he might have heard via the grapevine. It didn’t matter because it was her business, not his, and she didn’t need to live her life to please him any more than she needed to live it to please anyone. She could be a respectful, loving daughter and have her own life. If nothing else, Tim modeled that behavior more than anyone she knew. True, it’d gotten him in trouble, but he certainly didn’t bend over backward to please anyone, and everyone knew where they stood with him.

  After four days of not seeing or hearing anything from Matt, Liv had to admit she missed him. A lot. But she didn’t seek him out. No. She bumped straight into him in the last place she expected—at a discount store in Butte while she was shopping with Shae for wedding doodads.

  Shae was still in the next aisle over and Liv was more than grateful that, for the moment, it was just she and Matt. Alone, except for the grandmotherly lady perusing the paper goods a few feet away. Shae didn’t miss much and the vibe between Liv and Matt was instantly awkward. No. She felt awkward. Matt seemed fine.

  “I didn’t expect to see you here,” she said, hoping they parted company before Shae found them and started asking questions.

  “I’m kind of putting together a care package to send to Craig.” He gestured down at the batteries and USB cables and other assorted electronics in the cart. Liv almost smiled. Matt was more softhearted than she’d given him credit for.

  “You miss him.”

  “It’s not the same with just me and my ego crammed into the house.” There was no amusement in his eyes as he spoke.

  “Liv?” Shae’s voice carried down the aisle. Liv and Matt turned in unison to see her come around the corner. She stopped short when she saw Matt, her eyebrows going up. “Matt! Wow. It’s been a while.”

  He smiled easily. “Shae. I hear congratulations are in order.”

  “Yes.” She beamed as she held out the rock on her hand. She gave him a slow once-over. “You’re looking good. I guess world championships agree with you.”

  “I’m not a champion anymore, Shae.”

  “You’ll always be a champion in my book,” Shae said in a way that made Liv, the most nonviolent of people, want to reach out and smack her one. Then Matt cut a subtle sideways glance her way, caught her eye, and Liv suddenly wanted to laugh. Maybe Shae didn’t always outshine her. She and Matt might be on the outs, but at least he took her seriously.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  LIV MISSED MATT. As a friend. As a confidant. As a lover.

  There were matters, such as her father, that were easier to discuss with Matt than with Andie, and after five days of silence, she knew that the ball was in her court. She had to be the one to reestablish contact—hopefully out of hearing range of Tim.

  On the night that the drill team pr
acticed in the slack arena while the ropers commanded the larger one, Liv decided to make her move. She told herself that it was crazy to give up on a decent friendship when they might be able to iron things out. She fully admitted to herself that she missed the sex—and that she’d been stupid to draw a line in the sand.

  She also realized that what she’d been doing was wrong; she had tried to do to him exactly what she’d refused to let him do to her—have a say in his life. Yes, what he was doing to his knee was wrong and crazy, but so what? It was his life. She couldn’t control him. In fact, she was a bit ashamed that she’d tried. The pot calling the kettle black and all that.

  After her practice was over, about midway through the roping, Liv led Beckett through the trailers to Matt’s, where she found a roan and a bay tied side by side. No Matt.

  She thought about waiting, changed her mind, walked a few steps back in the direction she’d come and then stopped when he called her name.

  “Hey,” she said as she turned around, feeling awkward. She and Beckett walked back to the trailer where he was coming out of the tack room. “I...uh—” she peeked into the tack room and her mouth went a little dry as she remembered their last experience in a trailer “—just wanted to see you.”

  There. Out and honest.

  “Yeah?” he asked in that voice that just kind of did things to her—a marked change from the cool tone he’d used in the discount store a few days ago.

  “I shouldn’t be trying to tell you what to do. With your knee.” Matt slung the bridle he was carrying over his shoulder. Before he could say anything—if he was going to say anything—she added, “I was doing exactly what I asked you not to do.”

  “What shall we do about that?” he asked reasonably.

  “Start again?” Liv pulled in a breath. “I...miss talking to you.”

  A slow, knowing smile curved his mouth. “Is that all?”

  “You know it isn’t.”