For All Time

by Angela Benson

  She turned in his embrace so that she could face him, but she didn’t pull away. “Why did you say them?”

  He wiped away a tear that was about to fall from her eye. “I don’t know, but I’d never deliberately hurt you. You have to know that.” Josh felt his heart contract with pain at the disbelieving look in her eyes. What’s happening to us? he wondered. What more can I say?

  Before he could say anything, she moved as if to leave his arms. He relaxed his hold on her and she stepped out of his embrace. She continued to stand in front of him, but they were no longer touching. “You don’t have to protect me, Josh. I’m a big girl. You have to talk to me. We can’t go on like this.”

  Fear welled up in Josh. “Go on like what?”

  Gloria shook her head in dismay. “Not talking. Pretending everything is okay.”

  Josh wasn’t ready for this discussion. He didn’t want to talk about the problem until he could provide the answer. But actually, he argued with himself, he knew the answer. The answer was for him to get a job and return their lives back to the way they were. Unfortunately, he couldn’t do that just yet. What was the point in talking about it until he could? He looked away from her. “I know things are different since I’ve been out of work, but they’ll get back on track once I find a job.”

  “That could be months. Do you think we can go on like this for much longer?” When Josh didn’t answer, Gloria replied for him. “I can’t.”

  What does that mean? Josh wondered. “What do you want from me, Gloria? I’m doing the best I can.”

  Gloria smiled sadly. That was the problem. Josh was doing his best, but it wasn’t enough. She looked at this man she had loved since she had first met him over eight years ago. She had thought he could handle anything, do anything. Now, she wondered if she was wrong. Was Josh one of those men who functioned well as long as things were going well, but who fell apart at the first sign of adversity? No, that wasn’t it. Josh was strong; Josh was sure. Josh’s problem was that he kept his emotions bottled up inside. She had known that from the beginning. If she wanted him to open up, she had to open up first.

  She took a step toward him, put her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest. She opened the floodgates and let the tears she had been holding in flow freely. She felt his arms pull her even closer, as if he wanted to pull her into his body. She heard his words of comfort, but her tears wouldn’t stop. She hadn’t realized how much she needed this. How much she needed to cry in Josh’s arms. She stood there, in his arms, her tears falling, for what seemed to be hours, but was probably only minutes.

  “It’s going to be all right, Gloria. I promise you. Our lives will be back to normal soon.”

  If only that were true, Gloria thought, then we could keep up this charade. But it’s not true and we have to face reality. “It’s been almost four months, Josh, and the headhunter says it could be up to a year.”

  She felt him stiffen at her words, but she knew she couldn’t back down now. She pulled back to look at him. “We have to accept that for the next few months we’ll be living off my paycheck.” At Josh’s chagrined look, she added. “That’s not a bad thing. I’m happy to help out. We’ve been living off your salary since we married. We ought to be glad we have a second salary to fall back on.”

  Josh tried to pull away from her, but she refused to release him. “It’s not that easy for me,” he finally said. “I’m the man, I should be supporting you.”

  She touched her hand to his face. “Support is more than money, Josh. I need your emotional support as well.”

  Josh gave that dry laugh that was becoming his trademark. “I never thought of myself as chauvinistic, but I’m showing tendencies, aren’t I?”

  Gloria nodded. “It’s endearing in some ways. I’m glad you want to protect me, to provide for me, but it’s not necessary.”

  Josh pulled away and this time Gloria let him do so. He took her hand and led her to the couch, where he seated himself before pulling her onto his lap. “I know it’s not.”

  “If that’s true, why can’t you accept my being the breadwinner for a while?”

  Josh gave a long sigh. “What do you want me to do?”

  “I want you to have some fun. We have enough money to do most of the things that we want to do, Josh. It won’t break us to go out once in a while.”

  “But what if we have to use all our savings?”

  “That’s why people have savings. If we have to use it, we will.”

  “If we use the money, we’ll have to delay our plans for a baby. How would you feel about that?”

  Gloria had other ideas on the subject of babies, but now was not the time to discuss them with Josh. “Maybe we will, Josh. Then again, maybe we won’t. We won’t be extravagant with our money, but we won’t be tightwads either.” When Josh didn’t respond, Gloria asked, “What are you thinking about?”

  “Money. We need to see Jerry Thomas. If we have to dip into our savings, I want professional advice before we do it.”

  “If that’s what you want, we can do it.”

  “That’s what I want.”

  They were both silent for a while, then Josh said, “I don’t want what happened tonight to ever happen again. It scared me, Gloria.”

  She heard the fear in his voice. “It scared me too.”

  He hugged her to him. “I shouldn’t have touched you like that. Did I hurt you? I swear it’ll never happen again.”

  Gloria shivered, remembering his action. “You didn’t hurt me physically. Your words hurt me.”

  “I’m sorry sweetheart. This job thing has me in knots.”

  Gloria was glad Josh was opening up. She decided to remain silent and let him talk. She wasn’t going to push.

  “I’ve tried to be big about the whole thing,” he continued, “but I’m so angry. And the irony is I have no one to be angry with. I can’t be angry with Marvin; it wasn’t his fault. I can’t be angry with General Electronics, a company. That’s senseless. I can’t be angry with the companies that won’t hire me. So then I’m left being angry with myself for not seeing what was coming.”

  “You have valid reasons to be angry, Josh. Just don’t turn that anger inward or toward me. Use it to find another opportunity.”

  “I’ve been trying to do that. Not very well, I guess. The more I look, the more it seems that there’s no opportunity. At least, not here in Atlanta.”

  They were back to that again. “Well, I’m not ready to give up on Atlanta yet. I know you’ll find something.”

  ***

  “You want me to do what?” Josh slammed his fist on Jerry Thomas’s desk.

  “You have to sign up for unemployment benefits, Josh. It’s a reasonable move to make.”

  “We came here for financial planning advice, not advice on how to ‘milk’ the system.”

  “Jerry is offering a suggestion, Josh. We should consider it,” Gloria said.

  Josh turned on her. “You can’t be serious, Gloria. You want me to apply for unemployment benefits . . . social security . . . welfare? Never.”

  “It’s not welfare,” Gloria clarified.

  “To hell it’s not.”

  “Josh,” Jerry Thomas interrupted, “Does it really matter what it’s termed. General Electronics paid payroll taxes so that you would have this benefit.”

  Josh looked at Jerry as if he were a two-headed monster. “I know how unemployment benefits are funded and I don’t care. I won’t go that route.”

  “That’s your decision, Josh. You came to me for advice on making the best use of your savings while you’re unemployed. One way to do that is to bring in more income. A source of such income is unemployment benefits. If you choose to ignore that source, then you’ll reduce your savings that much faster. You won’t get rich on unemployment benefits but every penny that you get in those benefits will be money that you won’t have to take from your savings. The choice is yours.”

&nbs
p; ***

  “Why did we go if you’re not going to take the man’s advice?” Gloria asked later that evening. They had eaten dinner at home and were seated on the couch.

  “I thought he’d give us some fresh insights on managing withdrawals from our savings and investments. All he did was tell me to get unemployment.”

  “It’s not a bad idea, Josh,” Gloria said. “It is your money.”

  Josh gave her a skeptical look. “You really want me to do this? You don’t find the whole idea degrading?”

  “No, I don’t, and I don’t know why you do. What is it?”

  Josh gave a pained expression. “My dad was out of work often when I was a child. We went on relief a couple of times. I swore I would never do that. You don’t know how it felt to stand in those lines and have people talk to you like you’re the scum of the earth.”

  Gloria was amazed. This was news to her. She knew Josh came from a modest background, that his parents had been simple, working-class people, but she never guessed that they had slipped into poverty. “Why didn’t you mention this before now?”

  “I’ve tried to forget, Gloria. I’ve worked hard to build a life far above the life I lived as a child. I can’t go back to that. I won’t.”

  Gloria knew Josh was adamant. “It’s not the same thing. It’s not a handout.”

  “My mind knows you’re right, but my heart can’t see the difference. To me, it’s all the same.”

  “Well, you can let your benefits sit there while we go through our savings or you can overcome your fears. Like Jerry said, it’s your decision.”

  ***

  Josh drove around the unemployment office four times before pulling his Saab 9000 Turbo into the lot. I should have borrowed a car, he thought as he watched the other cars pull up. His gaze followed the people who entered the office. He made a game of giving backgrounds to everyone who entered the building. The woman with the three children had been deserted by her husband. The well-groomed man with the briefcase was the program director. Josh looked down at himself; glad he had dressed casually in slacks and a sports jacket. He opened the car door to get out, but closed it when he saw another man walking toward the entrance. The man was also dressed in slacks and a sports jacket. Josh wondered whether he was an employee or a claimant.

  Josh opened the door and stepped out of the car, closing the door behind him. He walked to the entrance of the building, took a deep breath, and opened the door. He walked through the door, but he didn’t enter the room. He was not one of these people. He was different. Wasn’t he?

  He wanted to turn around and leave, but he couldn’t. He had driven by the office for the last three days and today was the first day he had mustered enough courage to come in. It wasn’t really all courage; Gloria’s urging had a lot to do with it. He couldn’t let her down in this. He had to do his part.

  “May I help you?” a uniformed guard asked, interrupting his thoughts.

  “Uh . . . yes. I’m here to file a claim for unemployment benefits.”

  The guard pointed to his left, to a line of about twenty people. “Over there.”

  “Thank you,” Josh said. He moved slowly toward the line. Perspiration beaded on his brow, though he knew the room was cool.

  “Hello.” It was the guy in slacks and a sports jacket Josh had seen when he was outside. “This must be your first visit.”

  Josh was surprised that he was able to smile. “Is it that obvious?”

  The guy grinned. “You do have the look of a first timer.” He extended his hand. “I’m Elliot Wells.”

  Josh took his hand. “Josh Martin.”

  “I’m a veteran here now,” Elliot said. “I’ve been out of work for almost a year. How about you?”

  “Almost four months, but it seems longer.”

  “I know the feeling. I never guessed it would take so long to find work. What business were you in?”

  “Electronics manufacturing. You?”

  “Automotive manufacturing. Fifteen years. Worked there since high school. Worked my way through college. Never even thought about being laid off.”

  Josh gave a relaxed grin. “We have a lot in common.”

  “I know it seems impossible now, but you can make it through this. I’m living proof.”

  Josh nodded. “What do I do now? How do I sign up for these benefits that are going to make me a rich man?”

  Elliot laughed outright at that, which was Josh’s goal. The conversation had turned too serious too quickly. “Here.” Elliot handed Josh a form. “Fill this out and then get in line.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I’m going through the jobs digest. I’ll wait around until you’re done. We can go for coffee and share war stories.”

  “Sounds good to me,” Josh said. “Now, I’d better get to filling out this form.”

  ***

  “I can see you made it through the interview,” Elliot said when Josh walked out of the door.

  “Talk about war zone,” he said. “You would think the woman was paying the money out of her own pocket.”

  Elliot shook his head in what Josh guessed was disgust. “I know. It takes all the courage we can muster to even walk in there. Then they try to make us feel that we’re the dregs of society. Just remember our employers paid into this fund. The money is there for the very purpose that we’re using it.”

  “Somebody needs to tell Mrs. Know-it-All that,” Josh said with a suppressed laugh. “I finally had to tell her that I paid her salary so she should treat me with more respect.”

  Elliot’s eyes shone with respect. “You didn’t? What did the old bitty say then?”

  “She gave a ‘humph.’ Only after I suggested that I talk with her superior did she get her act together.”

  Elliot clapped Josh on the back. “You did good for a first- timer. It took me three visits to get enough courage to demand some respect. Now, how about that coffee?”

  The two men walked to a nearby cafe. Seeing Elliot’s wedding ring, Josh asked, “How’s your wife handling all this?”

  “It was tough there for a while, but I think we’re on track now. Marilyn has been very supportive. I don’t know how she does it and I know I don’t deserve her.”

  Josh thought about Gloria. Did he deserve her? “Gloria, that’s my wife, has been supportive too. Almost too supportive. Do you know what I mean?”

  Elliot nodded vigorously. “Do I ever? There were times when I wished she would scream at me, curse me, leave me. That I could handle. The constant support and positive thinking almost drove me crazy.”

  Josh was glad to find someone who finally understood. “How did you get past it?”

  Elliot shrugged. “I allowed Marilyn to help me through it.”

  “Sounds simple enough, but I know it wasn’t. Gloria and I are at that stage now. I didn’t know I was a male chauvinist until this came up.”

  “I know what you mean. A lot of your stated opinions on marriage and women’s roles are put to the test. I came up short, too.”

  “Has Marilyn been supporting you two the entire time?”

  Elliot nodded. “She’s trained me not to say it like that. I’m supposed to say we’re a single-paycheck household. She says she’ll get her turn when my business takes off.”

  “You’ve started your own business? What is it?”

  “I’ve been tinkering around with a formula to improve fuel efficiency in automobiles. I have a small lab set up in my garage. We’ve done some testing, but not enough. It takes money, more money than I have, to do the kind of testing that’s required. So, now I’m looking for seed money. I’ve talked to some investors, but nothing yet.”

  “I’m impressed. I wish you luck finding an investor.”

  “Thanks. There’s no need to be impressed, though. It’s amazing what a man can do when there’s nothing else to do. After I was unemployed for six months, Marilyn encouraged me to pursue this. She s
ays it makes her supporting us seem more like an investment in our future.”

  “So, you’ve always had an entrepreneurial spirit?”

  “I guess I have. Being wrapped up in Corporate America doesn’t leave much time nurturing that spirit though. Marilyn said being out of work took away all my excuses. I had to take my shot.”

  “I want to meet Marilyn. She sounds a lot like Gloria. Why don’t you two come over for dinner one night?”

  Elliot pulled out a business card with his number on it and handed it to Josh. “Give us a call and we’ll be there.”

  Six

  Gloria watched Portia dance into the bathroom ahead of her, checking each stall. “Looking for somebody, Portia?” she asked.

  “No, girl,” Portia answered, walking away from the last stall. “I just wanted to make sure no one else was here. I’m so excited, I could scream.”

  “Why don’t you? Nobody’s here but us. I’ll even guard the door to make sure no one comes in.”

  “Oh, God, this is the best news I’ve had in years. I called Dexter’s office, but he’s out. I’m about to burst. Hey, why aren’t you excited?”

  Gloria leaned back against the vanity. “I’m excited, Portia. This is good news.”

  “What did Josh say?”

  Gloria looked away. “I didn’t call him yet.”

  “You didn’t call him? Why didn’t you?”

  “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how he’ll react.”

  Portia froze in her tracks. “I thought you and Josh had worked through the money issue. What’s wrong?”

  “We’ve made strides, but we still have a way to go. Josh accepts that I provide enough for us, at least for the time being. But I know it’s painful for him. I just don’t know how he’ll react when I tell him about the promotion.”

  “What are you afraid of?”

  “I’m scared Josh will fake excitement. I’m afraid this will send him back to the doldrums. I’m afraid of everything.” Gloria covered her face with her hands. “Oh, Portia, what am I going to do?”