Love Me Always (The Fielding Brothers' Saga)

by Marie Higgins

  She lowered her gaze to the floor and wrung her hands against her middle. “Yes, I feel extremely guilty.”

  “Good. I’m relieved I’m not the only one who is miserable.” He lifted his hand and that’s when she noticed her bonnet.

  “You left this in the coach,” he said before tossing it onto the bed.

  She took a deep breath, stood and faced him. The low fire from the hearth behind her warmed her limbs. “Nick, you must believe I’m very sorry about what happened—”

  He took five steps and was in front of her, grabbing her arms and pulling her against his chest. “Catherine—” He groaned in between clenched teeth. “You have to stay away from me. I’m not as strong as you seem to think.”

  The tone of his voice and the strained look on his face frightened her. “I – I don’t understand.”

  “Stop it, Kitty.” His voice turned harsh and he pushed his hands through his hair. “Stop making me feel this way. I don’t like these games, and you’ll soon find out if you play with me, I play to win.”

  Tears gathered in her eyes and she shook her head, folding her arms. “Nick, I still don’t know why you’re angry with me right now. What am I doing wrong?”

  He closed his eyes. “You’re doing nothing wrong, yet everything you do is wrong.”

  Groaning, he bent his head and kissed her mouth, then as quickly as it started, he stopped and stepped away. “Catherine, as much as it kills me to say this, you have to stay away from me. Do you understand? I don’t want you near me ever again.” He turned and stormed to the door, exiting quickly.

  She stood frozen, yet she shook from their brief moment. The tears gathering in her eyes fell down her cheeks. She ran to the bed and flung herself upon it as she sobbed. Punching her fist into the pillow, she cried harder.

  Why was life so complicated?

  Chapter Nine

  The sun peaked on the horizon, lighting Catherine’s room. She hadn’t slept hardly a wink during the night, so was aware when morning came. The sound of a carriage pulling in front of the drive outside her window alerted her visitors. This early in the morning, she thought. Impossible. Several voices were raised in anger, which brought her out of bed. She hurried to the window to see what was happening.

  Nick stood beside the carriage talking to Gregg as servants strapped luggage to the back of the vehicle. Her heart dropped.

  Gregg and Nick continued to converse in loud voices before Nick finally threw up his hands and snapped before climbing in the conveyance. Gregg shook his head and bolted up the porch stairs back into the house.

  Tears filled her eyes as she watched the carriage leave. He was going because of her.

  Disheartening emotion tightened her chest and she slugged back to the bed. By now she would have thought she had no tears left to cry, but the moisture streaming down her cheeks proved otherwise. How could she take everything back from the way she acted last night? How could she make things different between them?

  The truth slapped her right in the face. She couldn’t change anything. Nick’s leaving was the best course of action.

  Without calling for Emily, she dressed and wandered to the breakfast room. Only Gregg sat at the table as he stared at his eggs, wearing a fierce scowl. When he saw her, his face relaxed and he smiled.

  “Catherine, you are awake early.” He jumped from his seat and hurried around the table to pull out her chair.

  “Yes. I could not sleep another minute. Although I suspect by midmorning, I will be ready for a nap.”

  His expression grew serious as he studied her. He frowned. “Will you tell me what’s wrong?”

  She offered her best smile under the stressful circumstances and sat. “Nothing is wrong.”

  Tenderly, he stroked her cheek. “You cannot lie to me.”

  As much as she wanted someone to talk to, Gregg wasn’t the person. However, she must say something so he’d quit prodding. She hated to lie, but no way could anyone know her true feelings.

  She pulled away from his touch and scooted closer to the table. “I had a sleepless night. For some reason, I kept dreaming about...when my mother died.”

  He walked to his seat and picked up his plate and tea then walked back to her and sat beside her. She hoped he believed her, because he still looked at her as if he was trying to read her mind.

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” He rubbed her hand. “Did something happen in town yesterday make you think of her?”

  “No...well, except Miss Gertrude. Your aunt is such a sweet woman, treating me like her own daughter. I think that may have been the reason for my dreams.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  She shook her head. “Thank you for offering, but no. I would like to put the past where it belongs...behind me.” She took a deep breath. “Tell me, did I hear Nick leaving this morning?”

  Once again, Gregg’s scowl returned. “Yes.”

  “Why does it have you so upset?”

  He shrugged, picked up his drink and took a sip. “My older brother has always upset me at one time or another. Today is no different.”

  “When will he return?” She tried not to allow her voice to shake, although emotion clogged her throat.

  “I don’t know his schedule. He says he has business to take care of, but I happen to think our uncle’s health should be more important to him.” He set the drink on the table then met her stare. “Don’t you agree?”

  “Yes. How is your uncle today? Any better?”

  “Slightly. The few times he awoke yesterday, he asked about you.” He smiled. “He worried that you wouldn’t have a good time with Nick.”

  She forced a small laugh. “I almost didn’t. Your brother was quite the bear yesterday morning.”

  “Yes, I noticed. I hope he came around during the day.” He scowled again. “If not, I shall have to teach him a quick lesson in manners.”

  She tapped his shoulder and smiled. “Not to worry, Gregg. Nick gave us an entertaining day.”

  “Good to hear.”

  Soon Ian came in for breakfast, and the conversation turned. When the two brothers started discussing gaming tables again, she smiled. “Gregg?”

  “Yes?”

  “Now that Nick isn’t here, will you finish telling me about the game with you and Lord Lockton? I’m most eager to hear who won.”

  Both Gregg and Ian laughed. Gregg nodded, his eyes gleaming with kindness. “I’d love to.”

  As he related the story, she noticed a different look in his eyes. No longer did he gaze on her like a cherished friend. Instead... She swallowed hard. Could that be attraction she detected in his expression? She hoped not!

  “...And I won.” He grinned wide. “Lockton was extremely upset. Everyone at the table knew the man was a sore loser.” Gregg shrugged. “Then again, he did bet a lot of money and lost. I think I’d be upset, as well.”

  “I’m quite certain I would be, also.” Although she should say something about the sin of gambling, she didn’t have the energy.

  Once again, the topic of conversation changed and she was able to finish her breakfast. Weariness consumed her, and she hoped this time she’d be able to sleep.

  After making her excuses, she left the table and wandered back to her room. The moment she entered, images of Nick filled her head of when he was here last night...of him yelling at her, accusing her of things she had no control over.

  Releasing a heavy sigh, she dragged herself to the bed and lay down. Even as tired as she was, sleep wouldn’t be forthcoming yet.

  * * * *

  A week passed in misery.

  Catherine tried to get her mind off Nick, but it was impossible. Gregg and Ian tried as well by taking her horseback riding every morning after breakfast. That helped a little, but not as much as she wanted.

  As each night grew into day, her chest tightened with uncertainty. She wanted to see Nick desperately then scolded herself for not having better control. However, she couldn’t let it go on like t
his. She must talk to him. Perhaps she was the one who needed to leave instead of Nick. His uncle needed him right now.

  Before she could talk herself out of it, she gave Nick’s servant a missive to have him deliver it to Nick. Still, days dragged together and she didn’t think she’d ever hear from him.

  Today’s weather made riding perfect, and regardless of her broken heart, she would enjoy the outing. She pulled on her gloves and tightened her bonnet before joining the brothers out by the stables. Mrs. Berkley sat straight on her mount, chin erect. Her ever-present, arched-brow gaze followed Catherine.

  She wanted to groan in distaste. She feared that woman still hadn’t forgiven her for chasing after Catherine when she raced Gregg and Ian not too long ago.

  Gregg helped Catherine onto her horse. Once again, she detected a glimmer of interest in his eyes, and the tender way he touched made her pause. She hoped her mind played tricks on her because she didn’t want Gregg’s affection in that way.

  Gregg led the four of them for the first little while, trotting as they bantered back and forth. Soon their excursion picked up speed. Once again, Mrs. Berkley trailed behind, being hit in the face from the dust kicked up from the horses.

  Catherine grinned as she caught up to Gregg. He glanced at her over his shoulder and gave her a wink.

  “Dare to race me?”

  She shook her head. “I think Mrs. Berkley will resign her post and never speak to me again.”

  He glanced back at the older woman. “I don’t believe she will. She hasn’t left yet, and it’s not because you haven’t really tried either.”

  She laughed. “Gregg, you are simply horrid.” She reached over and slapped his arm. “I haven’t tried.”

  “No? Your actions speak loudly, my dear.”

  He joined in with the humorous situation, but within seconds, joy left his face and worried lines creased his brow. Gripping the reins, he tugged, urging the horse to go slower.

  When his saddle slipped, she realized his concern. She yanked on her reins to slow her horse beside him. Reaching out, she tried to grasp his arm. The saddle slipped more and he slid to the right.

  “Gregg,” she screamed.

  He jerked the reins one last time and finally the horse stopped...but then the saddle moved again. Gregg’s fingers fumbled to grab onto hers, but he lost his grip and fell. His body hit the ground with a loud thud.

  “Gregg!” She jumped off her horse and ran to his side.

  “I’m all right.” He groaned, pulling himself upright.

  Ian rode up beside them. “What happened?”

  “My saddle wasn’t on tight.” Gregg stood and dusted off his trousers.

  “How is that possible?” Ian climbed off his steed and hurried to check Gregg’s saddle.

  Catherine linked her arm through Gregg’s and gave him a shaky smile, her heartbeat still rattling her chest. “You will tell me if you are not all right, won’t you?”

  He caressed her cheek. “No, but thank you for your concern.” He chuckled. “Really, Catherine, I’m fine. No damage done – except to my ego.”

  Ian laughed. “And for men, that’s worse than a broken bone, isn’t it, Gregg?”

  She took a deep breath and tried to breathe normally. Mrs. Berkley rode next to them and stopped. “What’s going on here?”

  Catherine pulled away from Gregg and moved to her companion’s side. “Gregg’s saddle slipped. Nothing to worry about.”

  “Except for the fact that it’s been purposely cut,” Ian remarked.

  Catherine gasped, her hand flying to her throat. Ian pointed to the proof. Jagged edges in the leather showed where someone had tried to cut it with a knife.

  Ian looked at Gregg. “Ride home with me and we’ll have the groomsman inspect this.”

  As the foursome made their way back to the house, Catherine gripped the reins so tight numbness tingled through her fingers. Why would someone want to purposely harm Gregg? It just didn’t make sense.

  Mrs. Berkley insisted Catherine return to her room to relax after the exciting morning, so she did. For the rest of the afternoon and most of the evening, she couldn’t get Gregg’s accident off her mind. Her main goal had been to relax, and since that didn’t work, she became restless. Soon, boredom threatened to make her go insane. She must get out.

  She opened the door and looked toward Mrs. Berkley’s room. Silence stretched in the hallway, so she tiptoed to Grant’s room. He lay in his bed, his eyelashes fluttered, but she knew he couldn’t see her. Gertrude nodded and smiled at her, motioning her to come in.

  Letting out a heavy sigh, Catherine moved beside Grant’s bed and straightened the blanket. His sister had been reading to him, but she set the book down on her lap.

  “Gertie?” Grant reached his hand out and bumped into Gertrude’s knee, bringing the older woman’s focus his way.

  “Yes, dear?”

  “If you’re tired, go to bed. You don’t need to keep me entertained.”

  “Oh, posh.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m doing it for my benefit, too.”

  Catherine grinned, then quickly hid it by covering her mouth with her hand.

  His gaze moved around the room. He couldn’t see her, obvious by the blank nothingness in his eyes.

  “Where’s Elizabeth?”

  Catherine’s heart sank. He’d called out that name the other day. At least it wasn’t Sophia’s name this time.

  Gertrude touched his shoulder and chuckled. “Grant, dear. Elizabeth is dead, don’t you remember? She died due to complications from childbirth.”

  He shook his head. “She was here just a moment ago.”

  Gertrude glanced over her shoulder and looked at Catherine, sadness filling her eyes. “No, Grant. Perhaps you’re thinking about Catherine. She’s here.”

  Grant blinked, then nodded. “Catherine? Where are you?”

  “Right here.” She stepped around to the side of the bed. When she came into his view, his eyes widened along with his smile.

  “How are you, my sweet?”

  She took his hand. “I’m well this evening.”

  He shook his head. “What’s wrong with you two women? Don’t you have anything better to do than to take care of me?”

  Gertrude laughed, but Catherine could barely manage a smile. Why didn’t she have stronger feelings for the man she’d soon marry?

  “Grant, dear?” Aunt Gertrude asked. “Are you hungry?”

  “Yes. I’m famished.”

  “I’ll go inform Cook.” She stood and waddled to the door, her hand pressed to the small of her back as she left.

  “My sweet, Catherine?” He reached for her and she grasped his hand. “Would you come back to me tonight?”

  “Of course I’ll return. When Miss Gertrude is ready, I’ll be right by her side. I’ve visited you every night and will continue to do so until—”

  “No, my dear,” he cut her off. “I think it’s time we talked about our relationship. Just the two of us.”

  She sucked in a breath, her heart plummeted to her knees. Suffocation tightened her chest. “But...but that’s improper. There’s no way I could—”

  “I don’t care about priority,” he stopped her. “I want to be with you again before I die.” He paused. “Please, Sophia?”

  Bile rose in her throat and her stomach churned. He thought she was her mother. And what was he talking about, mentioning the word again?

  Had mother and Grant loved each other? Why else would he act this way?

  Tears stung her eyes, and although he wouldn’t see, she blinked to hold them from releasing. Grant wanted her mother, not her. Yet knowing this, could she refuse what may be his last wish? Especially when his health declined quickly. The physician or Grant’s nurse didn’t even know how long Grant would live.

  They weren’t engaged, although she suspected most of the ton knew they would be. So although it would be wrong, it would also be acceptable. At least in Grant’s mind.

  With a heavy hear
t, she swallowed the lump of fear. “Yes, Grant. I’ll return so we can discuss our relationship.”

  Her voice broke, and before she embarrassed herself and cried in front of him, she turned and hurried out. With every step to her room, tears streaked down her cheeks and blurred her vision. She entered and closed the door behind her.

  She rushed to the balcony door and flung it open. The cool night air touched her skin, but it didn’t calm her stomach. Closing her eyes, she breathed slowly as the light wind brushed her face and teased her hair.

  Had she made the right decision? Unfortunately, it was the only decision. He was the man she was supposed to marry. This had to be done – and in turn, this might be the very key to remove Nick from her thoughts and especially, her heart. Even though she didn’t want to, she was falling in love with him.

  She stayed in her room and partook of the evening meal in private. She didn’t want to explain to Gregg and Ian why her eyes were red and puffy, and why she couldn’t smile.

  Once the maid took her meal away, Catherine curled on her bed and crushed a pillow to her chest. On the wall hung the painting of a garden, but the peaceful scene did nothing to calm her nerves or her rolling stomach. Silently, she prayed for strength to fight this attraction she had for Nick. It was unhealthy for both of them. Certainly the Lord wouldn’t punish them in this way.

  Shadows moved and soon night completely took over. Emily bustled into the room with a lamp. When the maid saw her on the bed, she stopped.

  “Miss Catherine? What’s wrong? Are you unwell?”

  In more ways than one. “No, Emily. I’m just not in the socializing mood.”

  “Well, Mrs. Berkley is quite put out with you for not making an appearance at the supper table tonight.”

  Catherine shrugged. “Then let’s pray she forgives me. I wonder why she’s not up here talking to me herself?”

  Emily giggled. “I think she’s still upset with you for what happened during the horserace with Gregg and Ian.”

  A grin tugged at the corner of Catherine’s mouth, but she quickly stopped it. “I’m certain she’ll have to overcome that episode as well.”