Because of that, Catherine would never be his.
* * * *
Catherine walked out of the building and a gentle wind blew against her face, cooling her heated cheeks. She held onto Grant’s arm as Ian and Nick trailed behind. Gregg had stayed inside for some reason she didn’t remember. Thankfully the night was over. She’d danced too much, and she hoped exhaustion would finally take over her body so she could sleep.
Up above, the sky rumbled. A storm would hit them tonight, she was sure. She loved the rain. As a young girl, her mother would bundle her on the couch and watch out the window as the rain splashed on the glass. Even to this day, she recalled the way her heart softened when her mother had whispered words of comfort. Because of that, Catherine had never been afraid of a storm.
As she climbed in the coach, her heart lodged in her throat, knowing she must find the courage to have a serious discussion with Grant. Yet, knowing she wasn’t going to back down about their engagement made her body quake with uncertainty.
Soon Miss Gertrude closed her eyes and within seconds soft snores came from her. The bumpy coach jilted Catherine against the side. She quickly righted herself and glanced at Grant across from her. The evening had been long, but enlightening. It thrilled her think society had accepted her. She only hoped they’d think that way once she broke off the engagement.
However, Catherine’s happiness disappeared when Nick asked numerous women to dance, yet he didn’t ask her. The women had looked at him with adoring eyes. On a few occasions Catherine had been tempted separate them since they danced so well together. Instead, she bunched her hands into fists and hid them in the folds of her gown. Other times it hurt so much to look at them, she had left the room.
She tried to tell herself this was best, but her heart told her something entirely different.
A decision must be made regarding her feelings for him. Immediately. Her future – and frame of mind – depended on it.
When a wheel of the vehicle ran across another rock, she bounced on the seat again. Grant’s gaze moved to her and he smiled.
“Did you have an enjoyable evening, my dear?”
“Yes. It was lovely.”
“You were invited to many parties, were you not?”
“I was, Grant. Your friends welcomed me into their group with open arms.” She frowned. “But...”
Blindly, he reached for her hand then smiled when he grasped it. “I hear despair in your voice, Catherine. What is it?”
The rhythm of her heart beat against her chest so hard she feared it matched the beat of a drum. She glanced at Gertrude who remained asleep, and Catherine hoped this was one of the times the older woman wouldn’t wake up.
Lifting her chin Catherine squared her shoulder. “Grant, I think we really need to discuss our...impending marriage.”
“What is it you’d like to talk about, my dear?”
“I—I—I cannot feel right about our engagement.”
His eyes widened and he sat back, his gaze stayed on her whether he really saw her or not.
“Indeed?”
“Yes, Grant. Even before I arrived at your home, I’d been having doubts, but my father pushed me to come to see if we suit.”
His frowned. “And, you don’t feel as if we suit?”
“No.” Her answer came out low.
He folded his arms across his chest. “So do you expect me to call everything off and send you home?”
His tone of voice sparked a touch of anger. Perhaps she’d spoken out of turn, but how else would he know her feelings?
“Grant, I’m letting you know what’s in my heart. I have always looked at you as a Father figure. I will never be able to love you like a wife should when I still think of you in that way. I know my father will sign the betrothal papers if you have them drawn, which leaves me no choice but to marry you. You deserve better than me. You deserve a wife who will love you as her husband.”
Silence lasted between them for several minutes. Even Aunt Gertrude’s snores seemed to soften to a mere whisper. Fear turned her throat dry and she bunched her hands into fists, praying he would free her from this engagement.
He took a heavy breath and shook his head. “I’ve always wanted you to be part of my family, Catherine. Do you not wish the same?”
“I—I don’t feel right about it. I love you, but not like a woman should love a man whose about to become her husband.”
“Passionate love? You don’t feel this for me?”
“Regretfully, no. I’m truly sorry, Grant.”
He scrubbed his hand over his chin. “You do know most of the marriages are that way, right?”
“Yes, but that’s not what I want.”
He nodded. “You’re young and fanciful. You want a fairytale marriage.”
She lowered her head. “Yes.”
“And marrying a wealthy, titled man isn’t the fairytale most young girls your age dream about?”
Squeezing her eyes closed, she took a deep breath. This conversation wasn’t going anywhere. Obviously, he wouldn’t give in. Unshed tears stung her eyes and she blinked them away.
She focused on Grant. “I think of you as an uncle, and I have for several years. If you and my parents hadn’t been so close, it would have been different between us, I’m certain.”
“So you want to call off the engagement? Is that what you’re saying?”
She nodded. “I would, yes. Only because I know if we marry, we will never be truly happy.”
“You are aware that you cannot call if off. The decision must come from your father.”
She gnashed her teeth. Why did he have to remind her of that? And why was he set in his old-fashioned ways. “I’m aware of that.”
Silence stretched in the coach, the only sounds were those from the road and Gertrude. Catherine’s heart pounded quicker, and her palms moistened. Uncertainty lodged in her throat, making it hard to swallow. The silence tortured her.
After a few more quiet moments, she cleared her throat. “I’d thought...”
“Yes?”
“I, um, had thought that you might make me your ward, instead.”
A grin stretched across his face. “My ward?”
“My father rarely has time to spend in my proper upbringing, and since you are a trusted friend...”
Chuckling, he shook his head. “My dear, Catherine. That suggestion is ridiculous. If you were my ward, it would be my responsibility to find you a wealthy husband. I’ve already done that for you, which is why the wedding is not going to be called off. Tomorrow for sure, I will make the announcement.”
Her heart hit the pit of her stomach and crumbled. Obviously, he felt the same as her father. Was she the only person in this world who wanted love to come with marriage?
Releasing a pent-up sigh, she scooted to the corner of the seat, focusing her gaze on the thick curtain hanging over the window. She grasped her cloak tighter and bit her bottom lip, hoping to stem the tears burning her eyes.
“Catherine, dear. Your future may look dark now, but I promise, in time you’ll see that your father and I are doing what’s best for you.”
“If you say so.”
“I do.”
Silence filled the coach again, and after a little while, Grant’s soft snores matched his sister’s. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she wiped them to keep from marking her cloak. Could she eventually feel passionate love for Grant? And if she did, would her memories of Nick disappear? She knew the answer immediately. No. Nick would always have a place in her heart.
Taking a deep breath, she calmed her fears. She’d have to take it one day at a time. And the first step was to make certain Nick stayed out of her life...for good. That would be the only way she could go through with the marriage.
When they arrived home, she hurried to her room. Emily waited to help her change, but Catherine shooed her away. She wasn’t ready to retire for bed. Not before she had a heart-to-heart talk with Nick. If she were to remove him from her m
ind – and heart – it would have to be done tonight.
After another hour crept by, she left her room. With soft steps, she made her way to Nick’s quarters. She knocked and waited, but he didn’t answer the door. Cautiously, she opened the door and peeked inside.
Empty.
She sighed heavily and wandered through the house looking for him. Everyone had retired, it seemed. Before she gave up, she decided to search outside. She wrapped a simple cloak around her and hurried out the side door of the drawing room. Darkness had settled over the yard, limiting her vision. Not even stars were out tonight. The storm must be closer. Shadows danced around the house while a cool breeze drifted through the air.
“Nick?” She didn’t dare call too loudly as to have someone else catch her. Explaining this to Mrs. Berkley wasn’t high on her list of things to do tonight.
The grass softened her step as she made her way toward the gazebo. Many times she’d caught Nick sitting there, watching her as she and his brothers rode the estate.
As she neared, his woodsy scent tickled her nose. A shadow of a man stood against the rail. She stopped. Taking a deep breath, she reminded herself she must speak with him. Although they’d be alone in the dark once again, this had to be done.
“Kitty, come here.”
Her heart accelerated and her palms moistened. Squaring her shoulders, she moved toward the gazebo, trying to convince herself she must be brave...and mostly she must be in control. Although she couldn’t see every detail of his face, she knew his stare was on her. The tingles rushing through her testified of this.
“You were looking for me, my dear Kitty.”
Chapter Fourteen
Nick held his breath as she came closer. It was all he could do not to take her in his arms and hold her close. He’d thought about her all evening...and now she was within reach.
Finally, she stood in front of him, her body straight as a board. He wished there was more light by which to see her amazing eyes and her lovely smile. Yet he had them memorized; every line of her face had been branded in his memory.
“Yes, Nick. I need to talk to you.”
Her voice wavered, and his gut twisted, knowing she felt the same kind of pain that roared through him. He touched her arms and slowly pulled her into his embrace. Her hands rested on his chest as she looked up into his face.
He grinned. “I have a few things I need to say to you as well.” He bent his head and captured her lips with his.
She remained stiff, so he pulled broke the kiss. “Tonight when I saw you dance with those other men I went half mad with jealousy.”
“You have no right...”
“Ah, but convince my heart of that, my sweet.”
Soon, her hands slid up and linked around his neck. “This is impossible. Our love cannot continue.”
He smiled wide. “So you do love me?”
“With all my heart.” Her voice broke. “But I cannot. There is nothing I can do to keep from marrying your uncle, which means you will have to stop loving me as well.”
“I’m helpless to stop it. Whenever I see you, I must have you in my arms. I want to be the one holding and protecting you and making you happy.”
She slid her hands back to his chest and pushed, tearing herself away. “Nick, no. We have to stop this. Now.”
He laughed. “We have only just started."
Shadows danced across her expression, making it hard to read her thoughts. “No.” She stepped back. “We must not do this anymore. This is the very reason I came to talk to you.”
He sighed. “Then tell me what you came to say.”
“Nick, we cannot see each other any longer. I don’t want you to look at me the way you’ve been doing, and you must never, ever kiss me.”
He shook his head. Although she spoke the truth, he wouldn’t be able to bear the distance. “Kitty, my sweet.” He stroked her cheek. “You know it could never happen. We belong together.”
“Oh, Nick.” A sob tore through her throat. “If we belong together, then convince your uncle of that because he is more determined now than ever to marry me. I tried to break off our engagement tonight, but he won’t allow it. There’s nothing I can do. I must marry him.”
Pain gripped his heart, and as much as he wanted to argue with her – promise her that he would stop this insanity – he knew he couldn’t.
“Nick, do me a favor, please.”
“Depends on what you ask.”
“Don’t ever kiss me again. Tomorrow your uncle will announce the engagement. Being with you like this will be forbidden.” Her voice choked with sobs as she turned and ran back toward the house.
Bunching his hands, he grumbled loudly and looked up at the sky. “Lord, why are you doing this to me?” he accused. “Can you not see she doesn’t love my uncle? Why can’t you see she and I are meant to be together instead?”
A rumble passed through the clouds, warning him of a storm coming. Or was this God’s way of answering him? Either way, Nick did not like the outcome at all.
How could he bear to watch her marry his uncle? There was only one way. He had to leave tonight and never return.
* * * *
Loud voices woke Catherine. She sat up with a start, her heartbeat quickening. Voices raised in panic floated from down the hall. She slid out of bed and grabbed her wrapper, slipping into it as she rushed to the door. Before she reached the knob, the door flew open and Emily hurried in, her face void of color.
“Emily? What’s amiss?” Catherine grasped her maid’s cold and shaky hands.
The girl’s eyes were wide. “There was an accident... He could have died,” she muttered.
“Emily.” Catherine squeezed her maid’s hands. “Tell me what happened. Who could have died?”
Her lips trembled. “Mr. Fielding…Nicholas.”
Fear gripped Catherine’s heart, lodging a knot in her throat.
Emily nodded. “Late last night he packed and left. He’d planned to stay at his office in town, but there was an accident.”
Suffocation overwhelmed Catherine, making it harder to breathe. “What happened?”
“His carriage lost a wheel in the storm. The vehicle plunged down a muddy hillside and Nicholas was thrown.”
Catherine sucked in a quick gasp of air. “Oh, Lord, no!” Tears swam in her eyes. “Is...is he all right?”
Emily twisted her hands against her stomach. “Yes, but—”
“But what?”
“The doctor says his arm may be broke and...and...”
Catherine’s heart knocked painfully against her ribs. “What?”
“He...he’s been unconscious since he was found and brought here.” She shook her head. “The doctor says if Nicholas doesn’t awaken soon...he may die.”
Darkness threatened to close off Catherine’s vision, but she fought the urge to swoon. Nicholas needed her. She needed to be by him. To hold his hand. To encourage him not to give up. God, please don’t let him die!
She swung toward her armoire. Dizziness swelled in her head and she stopped to gain her balance. Why did she feel so strange? There was no time to worry about her sickness, so she fought the fog in her head and on shaky legs made her way toward her closet. “Emily, help me dress. I must see him at once.”
Although upset, Emily still made certain Catherine looked presentable when she left the room not more than thirty minutes later. Catherine almost ran to Nick’s room, but was stopped by Gregg and Ian who paced the hall outside the door.
“The doctor is still with Nick,” Gregg told her.
She blinked back the tears. “How is he...really?”
Ian shook his head. “It doesn’t look good.”
“What happened?” She flipped her hands in the air. “I know the wheel came off, but how? Was it possible the groom was careless?”
Gregg shrugged. “The constable is looking into the matter as we speak. He agrees that the wheel shouldn’t have just come off. He thinks it was tampered with.”
She gasped, her hand flying to her throat. “Who would do such a thing?”
“Nobody knows.” Gregg scrubbed his hand over his chin.
She glanced up the hall then back to Gregg. “Where’s your uncle? Is he inside with Nick and the doctor?”
“No,” Ian answered instead. “He’s had another attack. We think it was the news of Nick’s accident that gave Uncle Grant another relapse. I fear for his recovery as well.”
“Hobbs,” Gregg continued, “said Uncle Grant was fine when he went to bed, but early this morning he was found disoriented and breathing ragged.”
“Oh, Lord, no.” She covered her face with her hands, tears streaming down her cheeks.
Warmth enveloped her when a man’s body pressed against her and wrapped her in his solid arms. She recognized Gregg’s scent of spice. Resting her head on his shoulder, she gave into his offer of comfort and slid her arms around his waist. Across her forehead, his gentle lips brushed her skin and his embrace tightened.
“All will be well, Catherine. I know it,” he whispered in a deep voice almost too foreign.
She glanced up and met his gaze. Dark eyes. A familiar look. Oh, please no! She couldn’t handle his infatuation with her, too. Hopefully, she was mistaken.
Pulling away, she wiped the moisture on her cheeks and sniffed. “I heard Nick was leaving to go stay at his office in town. Do you know why?”
As quickly as it came, Gregg’s warm expression disappeared. Sadness dimmed the color of his eyes again. “No, but it’s not out of character for him to do that.”
Ian walked up to her and patted her shoulder. “Why don’t you go downstairs and have breakfast. Mrs. Berkley and Aunt Gertrude are there right now. I’m certain they’ll want your company.”
She nodded. “Please let me know if there is any change.”
“We will,” Gregg promised.
Taking slow steps she made her way down the stairs to the dining room, her heart heavy with emotion. She couldn’t lose Nick. Of course, by marrying Grant she would have lost the one man she’d ever loved, but that was preferable to his death.
Love Me Always (The Fielding Brothers' Saga) Page 17
