Billy

by Donna Joy Usher

‘Martine you look amazing. Nick, tell her she looks amazing.’

  ‘She looks amazing,’ Nick said, but his eyes were fixed on Bianca. She bent over the bar table next to us as she rubbed at it with a tea towel.

  Bianca did look amazing in her shorty, short shorts and her tight black Dazzle T-shirt. I wasn’t sure whether or not to believe her that she didn’t work out at all. Surely it wasn’t possible to have that bountiful a butt with no sagging or cellulite without spending hours at the gym.

  ‘Do you think?’ Martine patted her hair again, her movements stiff as her eyes darted towards the entrance.

  ‘Absabloodylutely. She looks hot.’

  Bianca let out a laugh as she stood back up. She turned and winked at Nick before sashaying off to the other end of the bar. Nick’s eyes didn’t leave her as he lifted his beer to take a sip. Beer sloshed down his face and onto his shirt.

  ‘Oh bugger.’ He jumped off the bar stool and brushed at the front of his shirt. ‘She’s going to think I’m a slob.’

  ‘She’s going to think you’re a perve.’ I plucked a serviette off the bar and handed it to him.

  ‘Oh.’ Martine fluttered her hands in front of her. ‘Oh. She’s here.’

  I looked towards the stairs leading down into Dazzle.

  An entourage had arrived. Somebody, Sally Sparkles I was guessing, floated in the middle; her white, sequinned dress throwing off light like a disco ball.

  Martine hurried towards them. I watched as she air-kissed Sally.

  The Drag Queen looked like an old version of Pamela Anderson. Long, blonde hair pulled up in a pony-tail and massive lips only outdone by her boobs. She peered down her nose as she surveyed the room.

  Martine greeted the others and then led the group towards the back stage area.

  Bruce put another beer on the bar for Nick and placed a cocktail in front of me and then leant both elbows on the bar. ‘And so it begins,’ he said.

  Nick, totally oblivious to Sally’s arrival or his new beer, sat with his back to us, peering off into the far part of the club.

  ‘That’s Sally?’ I pointed at the group.

  ‘Ahuh.’ Bruce wiped at a splash of water with his tea towel. ‘Ain’t she something?’

  ‘She’s something all right.’ I stared at her retreating back. ‘Correct me if I’m wrong, but that something, is not a man.’

  He burst out laughing. ‘Shhhhh.’ He looked over his shoulder as if fearing one of Sally’s minions might magically appear. ‘Do not let her hear you say that.’

  ‘I’m totally confused.’ I shook my head.

  He shrugged. ‘You don’t have to be a man to be in drag.’

  ‘But…?’

  ‘It’s the way they are dressed that’s important, not the sex they start as.’

  ‘Still confused.’

  He laughed and flicked the tea towel at me. ‘You should ask Martine to give you a history lesson on Drag Queens. It dates back to the Shakespearean times.’ He winked. ‘It’s fascinating.’

  ‘She is fascinating.’ Nick turned to me with a dreamy look on his face. ‘So fascinating.’

  Bruce shoved the beer in front of Nick. ‘Here you go lover boy,’ he said.

  Nick picked it up, took a sip, and then turned back to his lookout position.

  ‘He’s got it bad.’ Bruce nodded his head at Nick.

  ‘Yeah.’ I looked at my little sidekick. I’d never seen him acting like this before. Lewd and perverted, yes. Love sick puppy, no.

  Bianca walked towards us carrying a tray of empty glasses. Nick’s head moved in time with the sway of her hips. She deposited the glasses, gave Nick a small smile, and then headed off towards the entrance.

  We both swivelled to watch her go, me wondering what that smile had meant, Nick no doubt watching her arse.

  ‘Oh shit.’ I shrunk down in my seat and grabbed Nick’s arm. ‘We’ve got trouble.’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said, ‘that’s what my Mamma would say. That there girl is trouble.’

  ‘No.’ I shook his arm till his eyes snapped to mine. ‘We’ve got real trouble.’ I looked back towards the entrance and this time he saw what I had.

  Four men stood half way down the staircase. Three of them wore long leather jackets, one made my heart sing with joy.

  ‘Quick.’ Nick dragged me down and pushed me through the hole under the bit of bar that lifted to let Bruce and his bar staff in and out. ‘Stay down,’ he hissed.

  That was all very well, but sooner or later one of those men, probably Luca, was going to order a round of drinks. And what they were going to see was me and Nick squished together by the chilled beverages.

  ‘What on Earth?’ Bruce said. He paused in front of us and then looked around the club. ‘Ahhhhhh,’ he said.

  ‘That’s it? Ahhhhhh?’

  ‘Well,’ he turned away from us while he spoke, ‘I’m not quite sure what you want me to say.’

  ‘How about, there’s a tunnel under that bin that will take you out the back?’ Nick said.

  Bruce shook his head. ‘Only way out is up those stairs and, oh dear.’

  ‘What?’ I started to rise so I could peek over the bar but Bruce put his hand on my head and shoved me back down.

  ‘They just set up camp at the bar table next to the stairs.’

  ‘Shit on a stick,’ Nick swore.

  ‘Right,’ Bruce said, ‘I think the safest place for the two of you is out the back with the Queens.’

  We crawled on our hands and knees down to the far end of the bar. The other bar staff looked down in amusement but didn’t say anything. They were pretty used to weird stuff going on with all the Drag Queens around.

  We snuck from table to table to the far entrance into the back stage area. I let out a sigh of relief as we pushed through the door to the change rooms.

  ‘Absolutely not,’ a shrill voice said. ‘I work alone.’

  We rounded the corner to where Sally Sparkles stood, her hands on her hips as she stared up at Martine. I smiled. Even with her gargantuan, knee-high, patent-leather, white boots she was no match for Martine’s height. I’m sure that would have annoyed the hell out of her.

  ‘But Sally,’ Martine had her soothing voice on but I could tell by the flutter of her hands that she was feeling anything but calm, ‘the girls are so excited. We’ve been practising all week.’

  The Dazzle Drag Queens clustered at the far end of the room. They were fully made up and ready to go. Several of them looked like they were about to cry.

  Sally looked over at them and sniffed. Then she turned toward Nick and me and looked us up and down.

  ‘What is this? I specifically said no onlookers.’ She turned toward Martine. ‘Get rid of them now.’

  ‘Ummmm. Sorry we’re late,’ I said. ‘Got caught in traffic.’ There was no way I was leaving.

  ‘Really?’ She looked back at Martine. ‘Is this the level of professionalism I can expect to see on stage?’

  She stalked over to us, grabbed Nick’s face with both hands and turned his head from side to side. ‘This one has promise. But that one,’ she flapped a hand at me, ‘will never make a convincing woman.’

  I felt my cheeks flush red as Nick let out a chuckle. Martine shot me a look, her enormous eyes pleading with me to shut up. I crossed my arms and stuck out my jaw. I wasn’t at all intimidated by Sally Sparkles, especially not when a much greater threat lurked outside.

  ’Oh very well,’ she shook her head and rolled her eyes as if she couldn’t believe she was doing it, ‘they can dance. But I want this one up the front with me.’ She pointed at Nick. ‘And if one of them gets in my way….’

  She left the threat unfinished. I bit down on my tongue to stop myself from laughing. Nick? Up the front? No doubt she was thinking of how tall he would make her look.

  Martine hustled us over to a couple of chairs in front of the mirrors. ‘What’s going on?’ she whispered.

  ‘You know when we were in Vegas, and we dressed up as clowns and
performed on stage?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes. But we are not…Oh.’ She blinked at me. ‘They’re here?’

  ‘Yep,’ I said. ‘Bruce told us to hide out back.’

  She licked her lips and looked at Sally. ‘It’s no use,’ she said. ‘She won’t let you stay if you’re not in the show.’

  ‘It’s not her club,’ I said.

  ‘No,’ she agreed, ‘but tonight it’s her stage.’

  ***

  ‘Stop fidgeting,’ Martine snapped.

  ‘It’s so uncomfortable.’ Nick shrugged his shoulders, flexing against the constraint of the bra straps. It was the least whiney thing he’d said since realising we were going to dress him in drag.

  ‘There.’ Martine finished adjusting the wig she had placed on Nick’s head and stepped back. It was a Marg Simpson sized beehive, and between that and the wedges, he no longer looked like a dwarf.

  ‘You’re a miracle worker.’ I shook my head and felt my new waist-length hair brush against my back. I looked at myself in the mirror, admiring the artistry of the thick makeup Martine had applied.

  Just as it was impossible to recognise Martine as Martyn, it would be unfathomable to connect me to the Hero Constable in the paper, or to Candy from The Nasty Crow.

  ‘Here you go.’ Bianca deposited a tray of shots onto the dressing room table.

  ‘What do you think, Bianca?’ Nick batted his eyelashes at her.

  ‘Kinky.’ She nodded her head. ‘I like it. Now drink up. You’re on in ten.’

  I reached out to pick up a shot glass and Martine slapped my hand away.

  ‘They’re not for you,’ she said. ‘They’re for Rocket Man. He’s got to get his groove on if he’s going to be dancing up the front.’

  Nick turned wide eyes on me. ‘I thought she was joking about that. You know I don’t dance.’

  ‘Here.’ I handed him a glass.

  He took it and downed the contents. The next four followed in quick succession.

  ‘So you,’ Martine pointed at me, ‘stay in the shadows at the back. No one will be able to see you with the bright lights that will be on Sally. And you,’ she pointed at Nick and then crossed herself, looking up at the ceiling as she said, ‘so help me Lord, you need to channel the Dancing Queen.’

  The other Drag Queens started lining up. A couple of them smiled and waved and I waved back. It wasn’t the first time I’d hidden at the back of the stage pretending to be a Drag Queen. At least tonight I wasn’t going to make a spectacle of myself trying to pole dance.

  Ronnie pulled open the door and music wafted in. Nick started to tap a foot in time to the music. I looked at the tray. The last three glasses were empty as well.

  Martine hustled us over to the queue. ‘At the end of this song we do a bomb burst off the stage into the crowd.’

  ‘We know, we know.’ Nick jiggled on the spot. ‘That’s when we make our big escape. Hey Martine, how well stuck on is this wig?’

  ‘I taped it and pinned it. It would survive a nuclear holocaust. Why?’

  ‘Oh nothing.’ He put his hands out and bumped his hips from side to side. ‘Would hate to lose it during one of my moves.’

  ‘They stay on even when they’re hanging upside down on poles,’ I said.

  ‘Excellento.’ He placed one arm across his body and pulled his elbow into his chest.

  ‘You’re stretching?’

  ‘Don’t want to pull a muscle, Toots.’

  I watched while he stretched his quads, hamstrings and calves in quick succession. His hips moved in time with the music while he worked. He stopped and looked at his shoes. ‘These aren’t going to cut it.’

  He rushed back to where we had changed, took off the wedges and put his sneakers back on. Then he jumped up and down and twirled on the spot. ‘That’s what I’m talking about. Now we can mooooovvve.’

  The queue filed out, rushing out to take up their positions on stage. I pressed myself up against the back wall, while Nick stood off to the side.

  ‘And now,’ Martine’s voice boomed out over the microphone, ‘please welcome to the stage the dynamic, the magnificent, the radiant, Sally Sparkles.’

  The spotlight snapped into position on Sally where she stood with her arms in the air. The musical score to I Will Survive struck up and the curtain lifted. Martine stepped back into position and all the Queens, except me, struck a pose.

  ‘At first I was afraid, I was petrified,’ Sally sang. ‘Kept thinking, I could never live without you by my side.’

  The girls shifted in unison to a second pose.

  ‘But then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong. And I grew strong and I learned how to get along.’

  She could sing, but she didn’t even come close to holding a candle to my Mum.

  When she started the next line, the girls broke out into a choreographed dance, involving a lot of feather boa action. But that wasn’t what surprised me.

  Nick, who had been bopping off to the side, exploded into action. Like a floor gymnast performing the hardest part of their tumbling act, he flipped across the stage. He finished the run with a half twisted somersault that saw him land facing Sally Sparkles in time for him to go to his knees and pretend to beg her as she sang, ‘I just walked into find you here with that sad look upon your face.’

  Miraculously, the wig was still in place. I doubted very much that Martine and the girls had tested the G Force of the tape and clips up to quite what Nick was taking it though.

  I couldn’t see the look on Sally’s face, but I bet it was priceless as Nick went from his knees, into a back handstand, and then over onto his feet.

  The crowd let out a roar as he started to dance.

  I’d been worried he might pull the same moves from the night in The Nasty Crow. It’s possible they might have recognised him if he had. But he didn’t.

  Instead, he dropped to the ground and started to twirl, supporting his whole body weight on one palm. He bounced up and down, changing from hand-to-hand, then flipping over around onto his back and back round to the front.

  He pushed up into a single-armed hand stand and continued to twirl, performing a competition-worthy display of breakdancing.

  ‘And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey.’

  The crowd screamed as the Drag Queens raced to the edge of the stage and jumped off. I ran forwards and grabbed Nick’s hand, and together we leapt off the stage, racing through the tables towards the exit.

  The four men were seated on stools around the bar table. Luca had his normally unimpressed disposition, but it looked like Carlos and Stefano were enjoying the show.

  Those two clapped as we raced towards them. Martine jumped in front of us, high-fiving people as we ran, but I could see Billy, his eyes wide as he stared through the crowd at Nick and me. I winked at him as we drew even.

  Martine paused in front of their table batting her eyelids as she bopped up and down on the spot. And then Nick and I were taking the stairs two at a time. Bianca waited at the top. She pulled the door open for us and said, ‘Hey, Rocket Man.’

  Nick looked back over his shoulder at her. ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Call me.’

  I don’t know who was more astonished as she handed him a piece of paper.

  ‘I’m free tomorrow night. You can take me out to dinner.’

  ‘Yes Ma’am.’ He threw her a salute.

  I grabbed his hand and started dragging him up the street. ‘Come on Romeo,’ I said. ‘Let’s go turn you back into a man.’

  ‘Oh,’ he said, looking over his shoulder at Bianca. ‘I’m the man, Baby Doll. I am the man.’

  8

  Super Cop

  ‘Does this look okay?’ Nick stood with his arms at an awkward angle out from his body.

  ‘It looks fine.’

  ‘Just fine?’

  I let out a chuckle. I knew how annoying the word ‘fine’ was when used in that context. ‘Nick, you look great.’

  ‘Really?’ He pi
voted a little so I could see his outfit from the other side. It had taken us a couple of hours at the Bondi Junction shopping centre to pick out the perfect outfit for his date with Bianca.

  ‘Yes. I wouldn’t send you out there looking less than perfect.’

  He really did look good in the black jeans and navy button-up shirt. The black blazer finished the outfit perfectly.

  ‘Besides,’ I added, ‘you were dressed as a woman when she asked you out. I’m guessing it’s not your style she’s into.’

  He smiled as he tugged at the jacket sleeves. ‘Well, I guess I’d better get going.’

  ‘Have a great evening.’

  He didn’t move.

  ‘You know you have to actually leave the apartment to have that great evening.’

  He sighed and stomped over to the couch, slumping down next to me where Cocoa and I were deciding what to watch on television. ‘What if she doesn’t like me?’

  ‘I think we’ve already ascertained that she likes you.’

  ‘But she doesn’t know me well. What if she decides she doesn’t like the whole package once she gets to know me better. You know.’ He moved his hands up and down his body.

  ‘You mean like with Susie?’

  He nodded.

  ‘You don’t know that’s what happened with Susie.’

  ‘And Kate. And Monica. And Sandy. And Thinthia.’

  ‘You dated a woman called Thinthia?’

  ‘It could have been Cynthia. I never could tell, what with her lisp.’

  I shook my head as I laughed. ‘Look Nick.’ I turned to face him, pulling my legs up under me. Cocoa let out a snort and wriggled so that his body was pressed up against my back. ‘All I know is that everybody is the wrong one, until you meet the right one.’

  ‘It would take a special person to love this.’

  ‘Well, you’re in luck.’ I reached out and took his hand. ‘Bianca is a special person. It’s not men’s looks that she’s into. It what’s in here and here.’ I pointed at my head and then my heart.

  ‘You think?’

  ‘I know.’ Bianca had told me stories about men that had given me sleepless nights. But those weren’t my stories to share. ‘She doesn’t judge a book by its cover.’ I glanced up at the clock. ‘And if you don’t go now she’s going to think you’ve stood her up.’