Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill)

by Rick Gualtieri

“Huh?”

  “You just spaced out and then turned a shade paler, if that’s even possible.”

  “I was just thinking about what you said.”

  “Well, unfortunately, it’s too late for that. You should have worried about getting a tan back when you were alive.”

  “Not that. Earlier.”

  “What?” she asked.

  “That stuff you were saying about her being alone and trying to get back to normalcy.”

  “I told you not to bring it up. That wasn’t about me!”

  “Who’s talking about you? I meant Sheila.”

  “Oh,” she said, looking slightly embarrassed. “Okay then. What about her?”

  “Well...I really don’t want to consider this. But do you maybe think, she could’ve...”

  “Could’ve what?”

  “You know.”

  “I know what?”

  “Been really depressed and feeling all alone...maybe she...”

  “Offed herself?” she asked nonchalantly.

  “Don’t be so cavalier about it.”

  “Sorry, can’t help it. We do run one of the biggest suicide hotlines in the city, you know. Tends to desensitize me.”

  Yeah right. To supply the coven with fresh kills and likewise keep the stupider elements from bringing too much attention to us, Sally had instituted the hotline. Using it, the coven was able to identify those whose disappearances wouldn’t be noticed. Ugh, just thinking about it skeeved me out.

  “Yes,” I tried to shake off the dirty feeling I got whenever the hotline came up. “Do you think maybe she...hurt herself?”

  “Nope,” she replied as if discussing the weather.

  “How can you...”

  She turned toward me. Despite the fact that I was several inches taller, I got the distinct impression she was looking down upon me. “Wise up and think beyond the end of your dick for once. Decker probably wouldn’t have been all gung-ho to fuck with the vampire nation if he was able to divine that she iced herself.”

  “That doesn’t mean...”

  “And, she’s not gonna do it anyway for one good reason.”

  After a moment, I finally asked, “And that would be?”

  “She’s the fucking Icon, genius. You don’t become one unless you truly and deeply believe in yourself. They call it faith, but let’s not bullshit ourselves here. Those with self-esteem problems need not apply. Wherever your girlie is right now, she might be confused, she might even be afraid, but I guarantee she is not contemplating eating a bullet. End of story. So stop moping about like you’re at her funeral because if you don’t, and we’re too late, you just might be.”

  A Typical Day at the Office

  We had only a few hours until daybreak, and the weather report called for sun for the rest of the week. There wasn’t much that could be accomplished on our end. Fortunately, the same could be said of any vampire team, so at least they would be in the same boat. The mages would be free to operate, but they were probably just shooting in the dark. They’d have a better chance at finding a needle in a haystack, especially in a packed city during business hours.

  There was also the fact that the weekend was over and I had a project due at work. At the very least, it could take my mind off of things and give me a little time to think of my next step.

  I parted ways with Sally and hopped on the subway back to Brooklyn, hoping to make it home before the sun came up and ruined my day even further.

  Despite the forecast, the day was overcast - stupid weathermen, but good news for me. The trains ran on schedule and I made it back to my apartment with time to spare. Thank goodness too. Exhaustion hit like a freight train once I walked in the door. The excitement of the weekend hadn’t left a lot of time for shuteye. I had work to do, but it could wait for a couple of hours.

  I walked in, noted the distinct lack of dead bodies lying about (you’d be surprised what you check for when you’re one of the undead), and slunk to my bedroom door.

  You’re probably expecting me to tell you that I opened it and Sheila was there waiting for me. Well congratulations, you’re probably a fan of bad romantic comedies. Maybe you should go rent one.

  Alas, the only thing waiting was my bed. But all things considered, it was enough for the moment.

  * * *

  By the time I awoke, Tom was long gone for the day - off to his job as an office drone in the city’s financial district. That was fine. The stuff I needed to talk about was probably best kept from his ears for now.

  As expected, I found Ed in our kitchen nook sipping a cup of coffee. He grabbed a mug and filled it for me when he saw me drag my ass in. Some days I don’t know what I’d do without my wonderful friends.

  “You can put the blood in yourself,” he said, handing it over. Well, maybe they’re not that wonderful.

  As I stirred it in with some sugar, he not-so casually asked, “So how’s Sally?”

  “Loaded up to her neck with STDs.”

  “You look like shit.”

  “You have no idea.”

  I filled him in on the details of what occurred after he dropped us off. Despite my tale of destruction, bloodshed, and woe, he remained his typical stoic self. He raised an eyebrow a few times as he sipped his coffee, but that was the extent of his reaction. Guess Sally wasn’t the only one getting desensitized to this stuff. It was a pity she was a soulless killing machine. Otherwise, they might make for a nice couple.

  When at last I had finished, Ed put down his now empty mug. “And the reason you couldn’t have told me this when you called is? I wasn’t too busy yesterday, so I might have been interested to know that wizards could have firebombed this place at any moment.”

  “Sorry, man. We kind of figured it was one of those cases of ignorance being bliss. Besides, I didn’t know if Christy was here or not.”

  “She wasn’t. I think she came down with something. Tom said she must have had a stomach bug.”

  “Maybe she finally opened her eyes and got a good look at him.”

  “Could be.”

  “But you see my problem?”

  “Yeah I guess,” he said. “Although I’m pretty sure she’s on the outs right now with Decker.”

  “I wouldn’t know.”

  “No shit. You’ve been playing a one man game of hide and seek ever since...”

  “I know!”

  “Of course, but I’m still gonna give you crap about it.”

  “Have I mentioned how nice it is to be home?”

  “Isn’t it? Oh, almost forgot, Dave called yesterday. Said he couldn’t reach your cell phone.”

  “I kind of lost it in the explosion. Let me guess, he was pissed I missed the game.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “He was probably annoyed that he didn’t get to cut any more pieces off of me either.”

  “He didn’t say. I told him you were probably busy with vampire business, although I got the feeling he wasn’t entirely sympathetic.”

  “Dave lives in his own little self-centered universe. I’m pretty sure he just sees the rest of us as little more than lab rats.”

  “Doubtless.”

  “He is a good dungeon master, though.”

  “A skilled DM is probably worth a few missing digits.”

  “True enough...maybe.”

  Ed paused to refill his cup. “So is it safe to say that your self-imposed exile is over?”

  “I don’t think I have much of a choice.”

  “So what’s our next step? And before you say anything, yes, we’re a part of it. You need to cut that I need to spare my human allies the danger that comes with my job bullshit. You aren’t Superman, and I sure as shit ain’t Lois Lane.”

  I smiled. I couldn’t imagine how things would have turned out for me without some awesome buds backing me up. Forget that shit you see in the movies - real friends don’t completely freak the fuck out when a little something like vampirism comes along...at least not if those friends are the type who h
ave grown up on that kind of shit.

  Unfortunately, that brought Sally’s words from back at Sheila’s apartment to mind. It seemed like she was doing a wee bit more than speculating when she said those things. Still, it was probably a little late to feel any pity for her. She had obviously made some mighty potent lemonade from the lemons of her life. No, the person I needed to worry about was still Sheila. Despite what Sally had said about belief in oneself, I couldn’t help but imagine her out there alone and scared. Of course the question was still where?

  “Obviously we need to find Sheila.”

  “Did you try her office?”

  “Well...no. It was kinda late. Besides, if she wasn’t at home, then what would she be doing...”

  “Occam’s Razor, Bill. Get the obvious shit out of the way first. If that doesn’t work, then you can play Sherlock Holmes.”

  “Heh, if that happens I’d have better luck going door to door to every building in the city and just asking if she’s there.”

  “The beauty of being immortal is that you have the time.”

  “Alas, no I don’t. Time is one ally I don’t have on my side...or at least she doesn’t.”

  “Well then I suggest we get our asses in gear. It’s supposed to be a clear day and you’re gonna need a lot of sunscreen.”

  * * *

  “Are you certain you don’t want to call Sally?”

  “I don’t need her permission to do anything.”

  “Are you sure on that?”

  “Fuck you, dude.” Ed chuckled. “Besides,” I continued, “she was going to check in with Boston, monitor the situation a bit. Let her do her job. Besides which, if we do find her...”

  “You’re afraid Sally is gonna say something that gets you both blown to bits?”

  “Something like that.”

  “She’s probably gonna say far worse when she finds out we did this without her.”

  “Oh no!” I gasped in mock horror. “I’m pissing off Sally. What else is new?”

  About two hours had passed since we’d made our decision. I needed time to prep myself for an excursion outside...and there was a conference call we both needed to be on for work.

  Yeah yeah, I know, but an extra hour wouldn’t kill us during the daytime, and Jim, our boss, can get a little whiney when we blow him off. It so sucks to be an immortal beast of the night, foretold to bring doom and destruction to the world, and yet still be a wage slave. I really needed to win the lottery one of these days.

  Thank goodness it was cold outside. I could get away with a hat, scarf, and even ski mask without looking like a weirdo...not that I was too worried about looking weird in the city. Regardless of my coverings, I smelled like a rancid palm tree. Clothing or not, I was still slathered with sunscreen. Better safe than immolated.

  “Are you ready?” Ed asked. I was never much for sun and fun even during my living days, but I still kind of envied him the ability to just throw on a coat.

  “Let’s roll.”

  We stepped to the door, ready to track down Sheila, come hell or high water, when it was opened from the outside.

  * * *

  Before I could do anything, the weapon pierced my chest. I looked down, seeing the stake sticking out of me. My body began to combust, regret filling me as...

  * * *

  Just fucking with you.

  “Hey, Tom, you’re home early,” I said to my oldest friend.

  “Hey man,” Ed likewise greeted him.

  Tom glanced at us both, a blank look upon his face. Without saying a word, he strode past us and into the kitchen.

  “You okay, dude?” Instead of replying, he grabbed a glass out of the sink and began rooting through one of the cabinets. He pulled out a mostly full fifth of peppermint schnapps and filled half the glass with it.

  Ed and I watched as he downed the contents in three large swallows.

  “Bad day at the office?”

  He let out a sigh. “You could say that.” He filled the glass again. This wasn’t good. I had paid for that liquor.

  Ed turned to me and gave a shrug. We had important business to do, but Tom was a friend in need. Our mission was probably going to turn out to be a wild good chase anyway. It could wait a little while. Sheila was my fantasy, but Tom was reality. From the look of things, he needed a friendly ear or two.

  “So what happened?” I grabbed a glass and handed it to him. “You might as well hit me. Friends don’t let friends get shit-faced alone. Ed?”

  “I’ll grab a beer. You sure about this, Bill?”

  I wasn’t, but nodded to him anyway and proceeded to strip off my coat...and scarf, and gloves, and ski-mask.

  I took a seat next to Tom as he made headway into his second mega-shot. “Did you get your dumb ass fired?”

  “Are you kidding? They love me at that place. I’m the only fucker with any personality.” A slight slur already hung at the edge of his voice. None of us were lightweights when it came to libations, but he was currently sucking down eighty proof liquor like Kool Aid. At this rate, he’d be proclaiming his love for us within fifteen minutes and puking on our shoes in the next thirty.

  “Uh huh. Do tell,” Ed quipped as he cracked a cold one.

  Tom paused for a moment. “It’s Christy.”

  “She finally wise up and dump your ass?” I asked, perhaps sounding a little more hopeful than I had meant to. Recently we had come to a somewhat peaceful, almost friendly, understanding with one another. Even so, I had to admit that their relationship coming to an end wouldn’t exactly cause me to shed too many tears. That would make the whole scenario with my wannabe girlfriend being fated to kill his actual girlfriend slightly less awkward.

  Tom’s glare practically had fuck you written all over it. “No.”

  “You dumped her?” Ed speculated.

  “It’s a lot worse than that,” he replied miserably.

  “Spill, dude. What is it? Did she turn out to be a guy in disguise?”

  “I’m pretty sure he’d like that,” Ed said and we both chuckled.

  “I don’t think that’s the case,” Tom eyed the last few inches in the bottle. “She’s been sick the last few days.”

  “Oh yeah, Ed told me. She got the flu?”

  “Worse. She’s been puking her guts out.”

  Ed’s eyes widened. “No fucking way!”

  I was about to ask what he meant when something clicked in my brain. “Holy shit, Tom. Really?”

  He nodded. “She took one of those tests this morning. Christy’s pregnant.”

  A Trip into Town

  “BWAHAHAHAHAHA!”

  “It’s not funny.”

  “Oh believe me, it is,” Ed cried.

  “Oh God!” I said through tears, still laughing. “I just hope it inherits her looks and brains.”

  “Come on, guys, this is some serious shit here,” Tom grumbled. The look on his face was cross, but his tone suggested he expected no less. No doubt he would have given the same reaction had one of us broken the news.

  “I’m sure it is,” I said as I got my laughter under control. “You do realize there are these things called condoms, right?” He continued to glare at me, so I added, “And you understand that you’re supposed to put them on your dick, not use them as rubber finger puppets.”

  Ed snorted and began to choke on his beer. I clapped him on the back until he got it under control.

  “Ow! Watch it,” he protested.

  “Sorry, sometimes I forget my own strength.”

  “Seriously, Tom, you were using protection, right?” Ed asked.

  “Well...”

  “What the fuck do you mean well?”

  “I thought...you know...maybe she had some kind of magical birth control.”

  There was a moment of silence while Ed and I absorbed this declaration of brilliance.

  “My god, you are a fucking idiot,” I said.

  “What? She uses that shit for everything else. You think she ever cleans her apar
tment? No, it’s all fucking magic. So I kinda figured...”

  “She was dispelling your magic missiles?”

  “Well...yeah.”

  “Guess you rolled a critical hit, my friend,” Ed commented.

  “What the fuck am I going to do?”

  “Okay, let’s think this through like rational human beings. Well, Bill and I will anyway. Have you discussed her...um...not being pregnant anymore?”

  “Good point,” I added.

  “Not gonna fucking happen,” Tom replied.

  “So she told you...”

  “It’s not even worth bringing up,” he said. “You remember her and her friends up in Canada? Outside of the magic shit they were doing, they were all communing with nature like a bunch of fucking flower children. I think they’re big on that live and let live thing.”

  I thought back to the firebombed loft. “Could’ve fooled me.”

  “Well, technically you’re not alive.”

  “And technically you’re a fag,” I shot back.

  “Apparently not,” Ed pointed out. “Holy shit, Tom is gonna be a daddy. What the fuck is this world coming to?”

  I was about to join in the laughter again when his words struck me. I knew what the world was coming to. A global supernatural war was brewing, one which we’d all be very lucky to survive. Bringing a child into such a world was...wait! The kid might not even make it that far. If Decker was right, the birth of the Icon signaled the end of wizard and witch-kind. Christy was amongst their number.

  Saving Sheila meant I was potentially condemning Christy. I had known that and - considering our past rocky relationship - been willing to take that chance. But now things were complicated. If Christy was indeed pregnant, wouldn’t I be dooming her unborn child as well? What was that baby guilty of...outside of being a product of Tom’s stupidity?

  Holy shit. How the fuck was I going to fix this? Jesus Christ, when it rains it pours.

  * * *

  By the time we got Tom settled down, we had lost our window of opportunity. In the time it would take to get to Manhattan, it would be well past normal business hours. I just had to hope that Decker’s efforts had so far proven fruitless and Colin’s team was still assembling itself. Fortunately, neither of them was what I would call a competent leader. Had James been heading up this effort personally, I would have been worried. Colin? Well, I probably had a little slack there.