Love Uncharted

by Berinn Rae

  The moment her door cracked open, Daniel snaked his arm through and dragged her into the hallway. His body, hard and unyielding, pinned her to the wall. Furious, Lily aimed a fist at his head, which he brushed aside with a disdainful sneer. Then his fingers were on her face, probing her hairline for bruises.

  At his touch the fight went out of her. Her eyes closed, her knees buckled. Satisfied she was unhurt, he grabbed her by the back of the neck and brutally kissed her. She tasted his fury and reveled in it, parting her lips to him. His breath quickened, his teeth grazed her face, nipped at her jaw forcing her chin back. She cried out at the wet flick of his tongue under her ear and clung helpless to his neck. His body drove against her, his thigh thrust between her legs and he felt her experiencing the sudden rise of orgasm. Then he went still.

  Both were shaking, fighting for breath. Lily forced her eyes open to see his face, dark with anger, inches from hers. “Daniel … ” she breathed, part apology, part surrender, and he brusquely pushed himself off her.

  “Christ, Lil, you could always pick them. Who is he, a client? A victim of your filthy love potion?”

  “No! Yes! He’s an ass — ” She shoved Daniel further away, embarrassed and too mad to speak coherently. “I … I called the guy a cab. He is so gone, okay?”

  Rage still burned in Daniel’s veins, and a jealousy beyond reason. He knew he could have her in his bed and stripped naked in less than five minutes. She was willing, the air between them practically sizzled. “What are you playing at, Lily? He isn’t even your type!”

  Lily barked a self-deprecating laugh. “He was a mistake, like so many others. Can’t we just leave it at that?”

  “I don’t like him.”

  “Well, that makes two of us!” she snapped, still breathing hard.

  Daniel looked away from her and quickly back. “I’m sorry if I … if I hurt you just now.” His palm hit the wall. “But damn it, Lily, you make me crazy!”

  He took another deliberate step back, drew an unsteady breath. He knew if he reached for her she’d be wrapped around him like a straightjacket.

  Sensing that, his anger died. “Let him wait for the cab with me, Lil, please. I don’t want him near you.”

  “No.” She sidled towards her door, face determined. “Rodney was my mistake, I’ll handle him.”

  “Am I a mistake, too? Is that why you picked him up?”

  “I didn’t pick him up!” Lily cried. “It’s just, you stirred me all up inside, Daniel. Made me feel things for you I never knew I … and then you acted like I didn’t exist!”

  He stared at her, incredulous. “You said you wanted time! I backed off, gave you space.”

  Lily slumped against the wall. “Yeah, well, I lied. You know what that’s like, you with your bloody secrets. God, you heat me up with a touch! And I’m all the way there with you. Then you’re gone. How do you do it? It’s like you can dissociate at will. Is there a twelve-step program for that, and can I join? Because I’m all sorts of foolish. But Daniel, who the hell are you?”

  Daniel wanted to tell her exactly who he was … and couldn’t.

  Lily brushed tears from her face with an impatient hand. “Just tell me how you can say you love me and hide from me at the same time?”

  His voice held a weary defeat. “What I am frightens people, Lily.” He reached out and circled her wrist with his fingers. “Holding you like this, I could open my senses and know why, where, and for what reason you picked up that bastard, Rodney.”

  He let her go, abruptly. “I had to learn as a child to block people out or go crazy. I’m an empath, Lil. I can Read emotional vibrations as easily as people read road signs. That’s a psychic’s curse. When I met you … God, Lily, you were so wondrously unconscious of yourself, of others, of subjective need. It was refreshing. I could relax with you, something I’ve never been able to do with anyone.”

  His smile was wry. “How could I not want you? I’m empathic but I’m also a man. Try not to hold either against me.” He took a step towards her and stopped himself, but Lily already had her arms clasped around his neck and her lips pressed to his. The kiss was long and full of promise, and when she left him to slip back into her apartment, she took more than just his breath with her.

  The following morning, Daniel tacked a note to his apartment door:

  Gone fishing. Brian in #26 is my Go-to-Guy. Be back on Sunday.

  Then he skipped town for three days, sliding into a slot at the week long G-Fest comi-con in Greater Milwaukee. He wasn’t afraid to admit he’d bailed for reasons of self-preservation. His iron will had failed, his self-control was disintegrating. He could sense Lily everywhere, smell her in his sleep, Read her coming from three blocks away.

  The battle she waged inside herself tore at him through the walls of their apartments. He understood better than anyone her instinctive fear of magic. And her need to accept who she was turning into without sacrificing the person she already was. Best thing for both of them was to take himself out of the picture for awhile.

  The episode over Rodney had left a dirty stain on Daniel’s soul. Not only had he treated Lily with brutish cruelty, the violence of his jealousy had shaken his belief in the kind of man he thought himself to be. He’d never lost his head like that before.

  Then there was Rodney himself … something about the man chilled him to the bone.

  • • •

  Lily saw Daniel’s note as she headed to work that morning and almost cried. Her sense of relief left her weak-kneed. She knew why he’d gone. Knew the entire mess was her fault, Rodney’s existence, her lack of faith, her fear of losing Daniel, of losing herself. But now she had the breathing space she so desperately needed. A sudden thought had her clutching her chest. What if he’d gone off with that Megan girl?

  Daniel would never play her false, Lily knew that. Yet she could not keep her feet from walking past Spencer’s Gallery on her way to work. And there stood Megan, pretty as a calendar girl, personably flirting while guiding a customer around the showroom. Lily realized how ridiculous she’d behaved in coming and turned to make a hasty exit when the brunette saw her and waved. Inviting the customer to look around, Megan excused herself.

  Trying for a nonchalant expression, Lily asked, “Is Gradyn around?”

  “No.” Megan’s critical glance took in Lily’s oversized jacket, khakis worn at the knees, and the stained satchel. “I can leave him a message, though. I know he’s been anxious to hear from you.”

  “Has he? Been anxious, I mean?” Lily asked.

  “Well, anxious is probably too strong a word, I admit. How’s Daniel?”

  Lily forced a pleasant smile. “Good. He’s out of town for a few days.”

  “Are you and he … ”

  “We’re very close, yes.” Lily ground her teeth.

  Megan leaned closer, oozing confidence with a challenge in her eye. “Gradyn’s gorgeous, no question. But Daniel … I mean, Gods! Those eyes of his. If he didn’t hide them behind glasses, women would drop drooling at his feet. Yeah, I’d let Daniel tickle me naked anytime.”

  Lily’s mouth fell open, anger reddening her cheeks. Spinning on her heel, she left the gallery before a hailstorm of offensive responses escaped her. She didn’t know whether to curse on Daniel’s behalf, laugh at the woman’s vanity, or feel sorry for her lack of professionalism! After walking a few blocks, Lily cooled off. By the time she reached the studio, she’d become captivated by the strangely opalescent fog shrouding the city. Her encounter with Megan had faded in the mist.

  • • •

  Lily waited in Ellen’s office, curled in a luxuriant chair reserved for clients. Her boss was late, a thing unheard of. Lily realized she hadn’t a clue what was happening in Ellen’s life these days. Did her friend still date the futures speculator with the thinning hair who, Ellen claimed with a decided sparkle in her eye, made love more inventively than anyone she’d ever been with?

  Drowning in her own problems, Lily hadn’t though
t to ask. Glancing around the small office, Lily saw new color swatches tacked to the wall. The room had no windows, so Ellen was constantly redecorating to keep the environment novel and stimulating. The shelves housed framed snapshots of her many relatives and a few interesting books for browsing. A small table held magazines about art, naturally, and international finance, business, celebrity gossip. Whatever a client might want to flip through if, heaven forbid, they were forced to wait on an appointment with a forgetful artist. Several easels stood folded in the corner next to a large artist’s cabinet with long, flat drawers designed to hold photographs and drawings.

  Lily loved Ellen’s desk. It was huge, square, almost mannish except for the vase of freshly scented and very feminine flowers. Lily could move the vase, a lamp, the calendar blotter and have the entire surface to stretch full length on for a nap and, in fact, was contemplating doing just that when Ellen breezed in wearing her faux sable coat and a bright scarf and carrying two mugs of coffee that filled Lily with humble gratitude.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been so self-absorbed lately,” Lily blurted out, gulping coffee so fast it burned her mouth.

  “Fear does that to people. Turns them inward,” Ellen said with an astute lift of an eyebrow. “I’ve told you that, oh, at least ten dozen times.”

  “I’m obviously incapable of getting the point. But I do truly hate flitting around the edge of people’s lives.”

  “Daniel’s?”

  A worry line appeared between Lily’s eyes. “Always. But yours, too, Ellen. And I’m sorry.”

  For several minutes the two women bantered back and forth about the many lascivious reasons Ellen was late this particular morning until finally Lily spilled it.

  “I painted another guy. This one was a total ass. I couldn’t melt him fast enough. I’m a monster, Ellen, sick, twisted — ”

  “Psychotic?” But Ellen’s teasing couldn’t conceal her worry.

  “Without question,” Lily groaned. “Daniel went ballistic — ”

  “Daniel was there?”

  “As apartment manager handling an obnoxious creep when tenants are threatening to call the cops? Yeah.”

  Ellen longed for details but hearing the fragility in Lily’s voice, didn’t press.

  Grateful, Lily drew her portfolio onto her lap. “I brought the Wilson sketches and a couple workups in oil. Are you ready to see them? The girls aren’t scheduled for another sitting until their parents decide.”

  Ellen took her time shuffling through the posed drawings, raising an occasional eyebrow or expressing a “mmmm” or “nice” before she reached for the small oils. An immediate smile blossomed on her face. “Oh, Lil, this one of them in costume is fantastic.”

  “Isn’t it? The girls adore those dresses.”

  “And themselves dressed up. It shows.”

  “Do you think you could tweak the parents in that direction?” When Ellen looked up, Lily rushed on. “I’d never ask, except — ”

  “The poor darlings do look ridiculous in these frothy white things,” Ellen agreed.

  “And Lindsay and Carmen know it. They told me they’d rather give up ice cream for a year than have that hanging in their living room.”

  “I’ll see what I can do.” Ellen turned to the cabinet and laid Lily’s sketches in one labeled “Wilson” before propping the two canvases on the floor.

  With a beleaguered sigh, Lily laid her head down on Ellen’s desk. “Since I don’t have a sitting today can I go home?”

  “Most definitely. But not yet. I want to know what you’ve done with my friend. You don’t even look like the Lily we all know and love. Your socks match, for Christ’s sake, your hair is brushed, you’ve been wearing color-coordinated outfits. It’s freaking me out! Where are the pencils and breadsticks stuck in your hair, the paint all over your face, the gushing, bouncy fizz? And honestly, the dark circles under your eyes aren’t doing you any favors. Blowing off meetings because you get lost in a painting or the park or even a magic shop is one thing. Consciously destroying the amazing woman you are is quite another. I won’t stand for it, Lil. None of us want you certified the perfect woman, for pity’s sake! Daniel doesn’t, that’s for sure. If he did don’t you think he could have his pick of the beauties swarming around the rich, successful, and oh so pretty Gradyn Spencer? Use your brain, girl. We who know you best want the old Lily back.”

  “But why?” Lily demanded, astonished.

  “Because we love you, stupid. And because you’re amazing, and in your right mind you know it. You’ve just gone a bit love-buggy. Trying to remodel yourself into a person you think fits some loveable profile goes so far beyond insane you ought to be committed.”

  Lily slumped back in the chair. “What if I can’t? Ellen, I’m afraid I’ll never figure out how love works well enough for it to take.”

  “Take?”

  “Grip, fit, become part of me like painting is.”

  Ellen rolled her eyes. “You seriously do need therapy. Lily, love is a force! It takes without permission, it fits whether you want it to or not. It sticks, it clings, it locks on like a sucking parasite. And it’s already hooked you, sweet cheeks.”

  “Wouldn’t I feel happy if it had?”

  Exasperated, Ellen said, “Your painting phantom men and putting your heart into them instead of doing what you really want isn’t making you happy, either. So snap out of it. For everyone’s sake!”

  • • •

  Later that morning Lily was in the basement of the Lennox folding the last of her laundry when she heard the old elevator screech to a stop in the dark recesses behind her. Glancing back, she saw Ruby from the second floor push back the accordion gates. A year ago Ruby, barely eighteen, had gotten pregnant. She and her high school sweetheart, Brian, married and moved into the Lennox. Four months later, Ruby miscarried and fell to pieces. Her young husband couldn’t console her and had gone to Daniel, who then sent Lily to Ruby. During the terrible days and nights that followed, the two women became as close as sisters.

  Standing side by side at the work counter, Ruby sorted laundry and asked about the guy in the apartment the night before. “Brian and I were scared witless for you, Lil. It’s why I called Daniel. I’m sorry, but Brian was about to liberate you with a baseball bat. Did Daniel totally freak?”

  “Yes. And rightly so. I did something really stupid, the guy was a jerk and is gone forever, thank the Gods.” Lily bumped an affectionate shoulder against the girl. “And thank Brian for me.”

  “So what’s up with Daniel? He’s not his usual, laid-back self lately.”

  Lily thought about fawning Ruby off with some half truth but the kinship they’d developed demanded honesty. She hadn’t been honest with Daniel, to her shame, and it was still costing her. “It’s a long, sordid story I’ll tell you sometime when I can laugh about it. The short version is I’m losing Daniel. Our friendship means the world to me. But he kissed me and changed everything. Now there’s this intense heat between us and — ”

  Ruby whooped. “It’s about bloody time!”

  “What do you mean?”

  “What do you mean?” The girl countered. “You two are crazy about each other. It’s obvious to everyone in the building. Lonnie has a pool going, for God’s sake!”

  “A pool?”

  “On when you and Daniel will finally get down and dirty.”

  Lily stared. “Are you serious?”

  Ruby laughed and wrapped her friend in an ecstatic hug. “Bedsprings will sing and soon, Lily! Can’t fight the magic.”

  A shiver ran down Lily’s spine. Little did Ruby know … and Lily wasn’t about to enlighten her. She hefted her basket to head upstairs and hesitated. “Tell me, Ruby, is it possible to come on too strong with a man?”

  “With Daniel?” The girl’s eyes widened. “Hell, no! It would take a pipe wrench upside his head before he’d see beyond this pile of brick and mortar.”

  Lily laughed, a grateful sound of release. What Ruby implied w
asn’t true. Daniel didn’t miss a trick with those sharp, perceptive eyes. Still, there was no mistaking his interest in her. The air practically burst into flame when they were together. But she didn’t feel ready to spill that juicy tidbit. Even to Ruby.

  She spent the next three days locked in her apartment painting for fun, flaking out over digi-movies, jacking in to music, and losing herself inside a sappy historical romance. As she began to relax, the voracious plants ceased their rampant growth and the jabbering flamingos quieted to only occasional murmurs. The days felt like a reprieve. She slept like a baby, ate three meals a day, and went back to work refreshed, rejuvenated, and reactivated.

  Chapter Twelve

  Ellen opened her desk drawer, pulled out a newspaper strip, and thrust it at Lily. “Another Lost and Found for you.”

  Groaning, Lily took the comic strip and recognized the character Ellen had affectionately nicknamed “Lesser Lil” because of the sometimes uncanny and always humorous resemblance. In the first frame of the comic, Lesser Lil and the guy she dated were in a video store, arguing over a movie to rent. He held up one, and she stood scowling, arms folded; then she held up one and he struck the same pose. Unable to agree, they left the store empty-handed. In the last frame they were in bed, obviously post coital, dreamily sharing a thought balloon that read, “I love a movie that ends well.”

  “And the point is?” Lily growled.

  “You know the point, Lil. Stop messing around and jump Daniel’s bones.”

  Lily stood up, jamming her portfolio angrily under her arm. “It’s not that simple. I’m not ready.”

  Ellen released a frustrated sigh. “Just ask him to Spencer’s grand opening. It won’t be a real date. More like skidding towards a real date.”

  Lily often went to art shows with Daniel. They knew many of the same people, and it was never a big deal. Until now. Until this earthquake of emotions turned her love-stupid.

  “It’s next Tuesday.” Ellen winked playfully. “And even I got an invite from the illustrious Gradyn Spencer. Must be ’cause I’m pals with a featured artist.”