Watching Edie

by Camilla Way

‘Nah,’ she ducks her head. ‘Do you honestly think so? You can have it if you want.’ She goes and pulls out a folder from underneath her wardrobe, takes out a pile of drawings and puts them on my lap, watching my face as I look through them.

  My tears, Lydia, Edie’s dad, everything is forgotten as I examine them one by one. A child holding a balloon, a couple kissing, a handsome boy holding some flowers, moonlight shining on water. I think they’re wonderful, romantic, a version of life where everyone’s happy and in love and beautiful. ‘Oh, Edie,’ I say, ‘they’re fantastic. You’re so talented, you really are!’ I look at her in amazement.

  She shakes her head, ‘Oh leave off, they’re pretty rubbish.’ But she jumps up and pulls out a sketchpad, waiting eagerly for my reaction as I turn the pages. And as I heap praise on her I watch as her sadness begins to lift, receding with every compliment I pay her. She’s smiling, I’ve made her happy again.

  Suddenly she says, ‘You’re different from other girls our age, aren’t you?’

  My heart sinks. ‘What do you mean?’ My classmates’ voices come hissing back to me: Weirdo, fucking freak.

  She yawns and stretches like a cat, her top riding up to reveal her midriff. ‘Don’t know. You don’t go on about clothes and who felt you up last night, and what a bitch so-and-so is. It’s good.’ She hesitates, glancing away before adding very softly, ‘Even with my friends back in Manchester, I used to feel lonely sometimes. None of them seemed to have the same crap going on at home that I did. Do you know what I mean?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I nod. ‘I do.’ And we smile at each other in the silence.

  ‘He’s asked me to meet him on Saturday,’ she tells me a few moments later.

  ‘Who?’

  She grins. ‘Connor, of course! Will you come with me? In case he doesn’t show.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t—’

  ‘Please,’ she says. ‘Oh go on, be a pal.’

  I hesitate, and she makes a daft face, fluttering her eyelashes until I laugh, and say OK.

  It’s Saturday lunchtime and we’re sitting on the bench by the statue in the town square. Edie can’t sit still, tugging at her dress, reapplying lip gloss and spraying herself with the White Musk her Uncle Geoff sent her last Christmas. A couple of girls from school walk past us and look Edie up and down before turning to each other and sniggering. ‘Skank,’ they whisper, but I don’t think Edie hears.

  ‘Where is he? We’ve been here half an hour now.’

  ‘I’m sure he’s on his way,’ I tell her, secretly hoping that he’s not. I think about how I’ll comfort her when he doesn’t show, how maybe we can go to the café instead. Perhaps I’ll buy her a milkshake and listen sympathetically as she confides in me about how disappointed she is. I’ll tell her it’s probably for the best after all, that he wasn’t worth it and she can do a whole lot better – all the things I’ve heard you’re supposed to say in this situation. But when I next look up, there he is.

  The market’s on today and the square is full of people, huddled beneath umbrellas or caught unawares by the first rainy day we’ve had in weeks, but Connor cuts through the crowds as though there’s no one there at all and I see him through Edie’s eyes: his handsome face, his confident swagger, something bold and focused against the smudgy grey blur of the square.

  He stops in front of us. ‘All right,’ he says. I’m surprised by how nice his smile is and I find myself momentarily dazzled by it.

  ‘Hiya!’ Edie jumps up as if he’d pulled her by a string.

  He looks her over. ‘You got dressed up.’ His eyes are a little mocking now, and she shrugs, her own smile flickering uncertainly. Then, reaching out a finger, he traces the low neckline of her dress, not taking his eyes from hers. Edie flushes, opens her mouth as if to speak but seems hypnotized by the slow sweep of his finger. Her flesh goose-pimples beneath his gaze and the rain. Something passes between them, thick and private, containing them, wrapping them together, leaving me outside.

  At that moment a passing dog rears back on its lead, barking and snarling, baring its teeth at me and I jump back, giving a little cry as its owner pulls it on. My heart pounds with shock. They both stare at me. ‘This is Heather,’ Edie tells him.

  He nods then lights a cigarette. ‘You coming?’ he says to her.

  ‘Where’re we going?’ she asks.

  ‘Back to mine.’

  She hesitates. ‘Aren’t we going out?’

  He takes a drag on his cigarette and looks away. ‘Where to, the Ritz?’

  She flicks her hair again and bites her lip, weighing it up. ‘Can Heather come?’

  He glances at me and shrugs. ‘If she wants.’

  The look she shoots me is so beseeching that I nod and we set off, the two of them walking ahead, both so slim and good-looking as though made for each other, me trailing along behind.

  I’ve never been to the Pembroke Estate before and I pause in its centre, staring up at the three high towers, looming black against the grey sky. The motorway is very close here; you can hear the traffic as it roars past somewhere just out of sight. There’s a kids’ play park with broken swings and a sandpit filled with bottles and dog mess and a group of teenage boys sitting around on its climbing frame. They fall silent, eyeing me blankly as I pass, and I hurry to catch up with Edie and Connor.

  The lift that takes us to the sixth floor has bumpy metal walls and smells of cigarettes and urine. Connor ignores us as we climb higher and higher, taking out a phone and turning it on, his brow furrowed as his fingers tap away at the buttons. I watch him with curiosity: no one I know has a mobile phone and it looks flashy and expensive. When I glance over at Edie I see that she’s eyeing it too and I wonder if that’s why he got it out now, so that we would notice it and be impressed.

  The door to Connor’s flat is at the end of a long row of identical blue ones and we have to traipse along an outdoor walkway to get to it. Above us light bulbs fizz and flicker in little wire cages. If you lean over the metal barrier you can see right across Fremton and down to the roofs of the cars whizzing past below. We stop outside his flat and hear the thud of music from within, which blasts out at us when he opens the door. He leads us through to the lounge, past an empty bedroom with mattresses on the floor, a kitchen with a sink full of beer cans and a bathroom with a broken toilet. I imagine my mum’s face if she knew I was in a place like this and glance over at Edie but she’s looking around herself with bright, excited eyes as if it is in fact the Ritz he’s brought us to.

  In the lounge a very thin ginger boy is stretched out on the sofa wearing only his boxer shorts. He’s asleep, despite the music. Connor kicks his foot and he sits up, dazedly rubbing his face, his ribs protruding beneath white, freckled skin. ‘All right, Rabbit?’ Connor says, and he nods sleepily, yawning widely and running both hands over his bristly carrot-coloured hair.

  Edie sits on the sofa and I perch on its edge, as far away from the ginger boy as I can. The beige corduroy fabric is covered in stains, and by my feet a large plate that’s been used as an ashtray spills cigarette ends on to the carpet. There’s a smell in the air of old food and stale beer.

  ‘You want a drink?’ Connor asks, then has to repeat himself over the noise. ‘Got some vodka if you want?’

  Edie nods and flashes him a smile.

  He looks at me but I shake my head, and he shrugs and leaves the room.

  ‘All right, girls?’ the ginger lad says, grinning now, and I suddenly notice the size of his front teeth. He’s got the same thick local accent as Connor, which makes them both, in my opinion, sound a bit stupid, and he’s rolling some tobacco into a cigarette paper. It’s only when he lights it and the putrid stink fills the air that I realize what it is. He passes it to Edie and I’m shocked when she takes it from him. I know about marijuana from a talk they gave at school. Perhaps she doesn’t realize. Perhaps I should warn her. I watch her closely in case she passes out or collapses or something and I need to call an ambulance. I wish we’d never come.<
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  When Connor returns he sits next to Edie, passing her a half-full bottle of vodka. Rabbit wanders off and I get up and look out of the window, at the fields stretching out beyond the motorway. The rain has passed and the sky is a brilliant blue again, the sun bouncing off the roofs of the cars. I perch on an armchair and watch as, across the room, Edie laughs and twirls her hair then leans into Connor, putting her head on his shoulder. I can tell she’s a bit drunk. They’re talking and laughing but I can’t hear what about because the music’s too loud. Suddenly they both stand up, Connor pulling Edie after him towards the door. She looks at me and holds up a hand, fingers splayed. ‘Five minutes,’ she mouths, giggling. The door closes behind them and I’m left sitting on my own, the music thumping on around me.

  A minute slowly passes, then another and another. Restlessly I go to the window again and look out, biting my thumbnail and hoping Rabbit doesn’t come back. When ten minutes have gone by I turn the stereo down, craning my ears to listen for Edie’s voice. Nothing. I don’t know what to do. My stomach twists anxiously. Is she all right? What if he’s locked her in somewhere and she needs my help? At last I creep to the door and stand out in the hallway until I hear the low murmur of voices.

  One of the bedroom doors is ajar and I tiptoe over to it and look through. I see Edie lying on the mattress with Connor. As I watch, he slips a hand under her dress, pulling down her knickers. Shock reverberates through me. I hold my breath, feeling my skin burn as he reaches up and begins to touch her there. She gives a low moan, her eyes closed, her face flushed. I can’t move, a painful lump in my throat making it hard to breathe.

  And then a sound behind me makes me jump and turn around. Standing a few feet away is Rabbit, his eyes fastened on me, a slow smirk of realization spreading across his face as his gaze flicks away from my face to where Edie’s lying on the bed. I stumble backwards, heat coursing through me and go back to the lounge, and though I don’t know why, hot tears prickle my eyes as I sit down again to wait.

  After

  I’m about to go to bed when the first contraction comes. I stand clutching the bathroom sink while the sudden, searing pain almost knocks me from my feet. The baby is on its way. And though I’ve prepared for this for weeks, and know exactly what steps I’m supposed to follow, I can only stand motionless, frozen in disbelief, light-headed with fear. At last the pain passes and I stare at my reflection in the mirror, hollow-eyed with panic.

  Get a grip, Edie, come on. I know that it could be hours before the next one comes. I pace restlessly around my flat, my chest tight with anxiety, then for something to do, double-check the bag that’s been packed and ready in the hallway for several days. I read through my midwife’s notes, though I already know them mostly by heart. I am not to call the hospital until the contractions are ten minutes apart. Until then I am to monitor them: how frequent, how long they last, how intense the pain, and in the meantime I must try to relax and keep calm. I make myself get into bed and turn the TV on, forcing myself to focus on the screen.

  It’s nearly two hours later when the next one comes. I lie doubled up in bed, gritting my teeth through the pain. I have never felt so horribly alone. For a desperate moment I think about calling Heri, but even before the thought has properly formed I know that I never could, that it’s far too late for that – besides, I’d deleted his number months ago. I suddenly long to hear my mother’s voice and get up to search frantically through old shoeboxes and drawers for the little folded piece of paper with her number on that I know I have tucked away somewhere. Eventually I sink to the floor without it, sobbing into my hands, remembering the disgust on her face the last time we saw each other, knowing I’ll never call.

  I thought I’d be able to do this. I’d told myself it would be OK. But as I look at the empty, waiting cot, the packets of nappies and the second-hand car seat in the corner, the world seems to shrink away and I’m overwhelmed by the enormity of getting through it all alone. I have no one. And yet how can this be? I’d had friends in Manchester, a gang of girls from school I’d been devastated to leave behind when my mum moved us to Fremton. But once I’d met Connor, nothing else had mattered. After it was all over and I had moved to London the memory of Heather and what had happened between us had meant I’d kept my distance from other people, turning my back on any friendships that came my way. And now here I am. I feel as though I’m on the edge of a cliff, about to leap, and there’s no one to catch me as I fall.

  It’s an endless, sleepless night. For a long time I stand at the window looking out at the street, watching as it gradually clears of life, the darkness thickening, only the occasional sweep of a car’s headlights or the odd solitary figure to show me that anyone else exists in the world but me. I think of my Uncle Geoff, but the thought of his panic if he was summoned now almost makes me smile.

  When the next contraction comes in the early hours of the morning it’s so painful and frightening that I call the hospital, too desperate to wait any longer. When I finally get through to the duty midwife, her voice with its strong London accent is calm and kind. ‘Is there anyone with you? The baby’s father?’

  I gulp back a sob. ‘No,’ I say. ‘He’s not involved.’

  ‘I see. Well not to worry. Can you call a friend, a relative perhaps? Someone to wait with you, help you time the—’

  ‘No, there’s no one.’

  There’s a pause. ‘OK. Well that’s fine, my love. You’ll be fine,’ and the sympathy in her voice brings fresh tears to my eyes.

  ‘Yes,’ I whisper.

  ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart, I know it’s hard. But you need to wait just a little longer. We’re full to bursting here and we’re asking our ladies to come in when the contractions are five minutes apart and are lasting for at least one minute. We’ll be waiting for you, though, I’ve marked you down for admittance today, so there’s no need to worry.’

  ‘OK.’ I grip the phone, desperate not to let her go. In the background I hear telephones ringing, the noises of a busy ward.

  ‘That’s great. You’re doing really well. You call right back if you need to, OK? And as soon as those contractions start to speed up, you call a taxi and come straight here.’

  ‘OK,’ I say. ‘Yes. OK. Thank you.’ Reluctantly I hang up and begin to wait. It’s nearly noon by the time I call the cab and begin the journey to the hospital.

  Her name is Maya and her skin is a pale, rose-tinted brown. Her hair is thick and black and her father’s large dark eyes gaze back at me from beneath long black lashes. She’s perfect. And from the moment I meet her, from the moment the nurse hands her to me, I know that I can’t love her.

  It seemed, in the delivery room, as if the panic and confusion had come from nowhere. I remember sudden shouts for backup, being wheeled at speed down corridors, the midwife’s urgent explanations about the cord wrapped around the baby’s throat. And then an operating theatre, people in masks, a large Scottish woman shouting that it was all going to be OK, to try to relax, to breathe deeply, that there was nothing at all to worry about, nothing at all, but that I must stay perfectly still.

  A strange dislocation had beset me, as though I was entirely divorced from whatever was happening to me in the lower half of my body, which was numb by then and shielded from me by a blue screen. A calm, dream-like state engulfed me, half hypnotized by the bleeping machines, the doctors’ tense exchanges, the air of urgent concentration. When one of the masked figures held aloft, like a rabbit from a hat, the bloodied, blue-tinged creature, when I heard its weak, scratchy cry I felt with complete certainty: that is not mine, that did not come from me. ‘A girl!’ the Scottish voice announced. ‘Look, hen: a lovely wee baby girl!’

  The ward I’m on is busy, with several other new mothers squashed in here beside me. When my baby is brought to me I smile, I hold her to me, I nod and listen to the nurse when she shows me how to put her to my breast. And then she is left by my bed, sleeping, while the horror washes over me in icy waves: this is not my
child. She did not come from me.

  I wake an hour later to feel hot burning pain spreading from my pelvis. I watch the other mothers, their exhausted triumph, their loving smiles, the congratulating visitors gathered around their beds. My baby lies in its clear plastic crib, staring back at me, mewling helplessly.

  Uncle Geoff visits the following day and sits by my bed on a plastic chair, too big and too male amidst all the nightgowned women with their smells of milk and babies, averting his eyes in horror when my neighbour unfastens herself to offer her child her breast. He holds Maya in his large, tobacco-stained fingers, her head lolling awkwardly against his old leather coat and tries to think of something to say. ‘Tiny ears,’ he offers eventually, and we both nod. When she begins to cry he thrusts her back to me. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asks anxiously.

  ‘She wants feeding, I think.’

  His eyes fall to my chest and he jumps up in alarm. ‘Well, then, I’d best leave you to it, shall I?’

  I take Maya from him and try to smile. He pauses and says, ‘I’ll tell your mother, shall I?’ His eyes meet mine and he adds gently, ‘I mean, she’d like to know, I expect, that you’ve had her.’

  Mutely I nod. He takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. ‘Well done, love, she’s a little belter, you’ve done me proud.’ He leans down and gives me a hug, my face crushed against his chest, breathing in his aftershave and leather smell, and the lump in my throat threatens to choke me.

  ‘See you soon,’ I say.

  ‘Aye, see you soon,’ he smiles, and I manage to make it until he’s left the ward before I begin to cry.

  When I’m finally discharged the cab drives me through the London streets, Maya asleep in the seat next to me. Peckham and Nunhead slide past, the sun shines, people and traffic go about their business and yet nothing seems real, substantial, trustworthy. The cab stops at the lights and I have to fight every instinct in my body not to open the door and run. And when the two of us are alone in the flat for the first time, fear – shocking, overwhelming, gutting fear – almost knocks me off my feet.