I feel overwhelmed and confused. "Delsin, please go now. I cannot trust you. I realized this tonight. And ... I don't love you."
"What?" he asks.
"I don't love you," I repeat. It is more or less a lie, because I was on the way to be able to love him, but now I am going to end it before it can destroy me.
"No, Caramel. You love me, or at least you're falling in love with me. Don't lie to me. I know you have feelings for me," he says hoarsely as he looks up at me.
I see the tears in his eyes and lean down. I breathe a single soft kiss on his lips and brush my fingers over his cheek. "I have to end it before it destroys me," I whisper and pull back my hand.
Delsin gets up on his feet again. "Don't do this, Caramel. I am changing. I am changing for you. I really am. What if I bring Cay here and she confirms what I said? Will you believe me then? Can you give me another chance?"
"Don't bring her here," I say softly, sounding strangely calm now. I feel as if I'm dead inside. I feel ... nothing. My movements are mechanical, and the words I say come unbidden. He pulls me close, but I stand in his embrace like a column. "Don't leave me, Camille. You're the first woman in years who made it into my heart. It belongs to you now, because you are the only one I want to give it to," he cries.
I show no reaction, give him no tenderness, but merely wait for him to release me. He finally does so.
I look up at him with red eyes from too much crying. "Go now, please," I ask him one more time.
He utters a cry of pain. "My heart will be yours forever." He turns around and leaves my room. When the front door bangs shut, I know he has left.
***
People didn't know that Delsin and I had been a couple at all, so I was able to get all my stuff done on Monday after classes without any gossip or curious questions bothering me. I haven't seen Delsin all day, which is fortunate, for I would not know how to react.
After I booked my flight in a small travel agency off campus, I put the skateboard into my trunk and drive to Avery's place.
In the parking lot, I pull out my phone and call him.
"Oh, Sweetie. How are you doing?" he greets me.
"So-so. Could you please come down to the parking lot for a minute?" I ask him.
"Sure. I'll be down in two minutes."
"Thank you." I get out and take the board out from the trunk. I hold it under my arm and wait for Avery. He is probably going to want me to give it to Delsin myself, but I will refuse to do that. I feel relieved at the thought that I won't run the risk of seeing Delsin anymore after Saturday.
Finally Ave comes out of the house and I approach him with the skateboard.
"You look awful," he tells me by way of a greeting.
I sigh. "Thank you. That's how I feel, too. Fancy that." My smile isn't genuine.
"Why did you want me to come out?" he asks.
I hold up the board. "Could you give it back to Delsin for me? I don't want to have it anymore. I won't go skating on my own anyway," I say.
"Why don't you give it to him yourself?" he wants to know, eyebrow cocked. Ave looks at me with a skeptical expression.
"Because I don't want to see him. Plus, the thing is way too expensive to simply take it and leave. Please, Ave. I owe you one," I plead.
He utters a sign of resignation. "He suffers like a whipped dog."
"I know. I feel the same way," I whisper.
After he has set the board on the ground, Ave places both his hands on my cheeks. "Listen to me, Sweetie: I am the last person to defend Delsin, but I believe him. When we went running, I chased him all over campus because he slept with you, and every time I was about to catch and tackle him, he said he was serious and he wanted to be with you. I have known Delsin for years; he's not going to throw this away lightly: He loves you, even though he barely knows you. He said it was love at first sight. You never were another trophy to him, you were real. You were good for him, and now he feels like hell."
I bite my lip so hard that I fear I'm going to taste blood, but nothing happens. It merely hurts. Then I gasp for air. "Tell him we can maybe be friends some day, but that's all there is now."
"Are you really sure this is going to be your last word?" Ave asks.
"Yes," I lie. I want to be with Delsin, I really do, but it will only lead to more hurt, over and over again. I don't want that. "I am only nineteen and I am not ready for this kind of relationship. He'd destroy me slowly, Ave."
"No," he disagrees. "Delsin is not going to destroy you. He would cherish you and fulfill your every wish. He'd do anything for you, Sweetie, really!"
"No, he won't. Please, Ave, stop trying to convince me. Delsin and I have no future together." Then I take a step backwards.
"Bye, Ave." I walk back to my car and open the door.
"Take care, Sweetie, I mean it," He says with a note of regret in his voice. Then he picks up the skateboard.
"I will." I get in and buckle up, when suddenly someone knocks on my window. I raise my eyes and see Delsin standing there. He gestures for me to roll down the window, but I don't do it. I start the engine and put the gear in reverse. Then I leave.
In the rearview mirror I can see him run his hand through his slightly longish hair and stare after me. Objects in the rearview mirror may be closer than they appear, or was it the other way round? Did I have to meet him now? Fate is a damn cruel traitor. I want to leave this mess behind, and yet it had to bring him out into the parking lot at this exact moment.
I drive home speeding.
When I have parked the car, I retreat into my room. I went to see my doctor this morning, getting a medical certificate so I don't have to sit in my classes for the rest of the week. And I have booked the plane ticket for Wednesday morning, so I can leave earlier than planned. I'll be gone for a few weeks. I'm not even sure whether I will return after the break. At the moment, I don't want to, but I also can't simply disappoint my parents like that. I think I may look around for a different college and continue my studies there. Maybe I'm going to find a good one in Texas. Wouldn't that be the best solution for everyone involved? Delsin would be rid of me and could return to his old life. I could settle back into mine and maybe find someone who truly loves me.
I have reached a point where I have convinced myself that he and I have only imagined our feelings in this short period of time. None of us has said the three words that can weigh so heavily. We will forget each other, or rather, he's going to forget me, but I'm going to remember him forever because he was my first.
Chapter 9
My bags are packed and my flight is canceled, because I will drive home in my own car. It takes about twenty hours to get from Coral Gables to Austin, but I'll manage. My closet is completely empty. Hailey and Thally are totally opposed to my decision to leave Florida behind, but I am no longer open towards any argument for staying. Mom and Buck don't know what they're in for yet, that I'll be staying in Texas after the break. Dad is going to rant and rave once he'll hear of my decision, but I don't need him. Who knows, maybe I'll leave college behind anyway. I could follow in my mother's footsteps. Farmer is a time-honored profession, and I could realize some of the ideas and schemes for the farm I have come up with over the years.
I am loading my suitcases into the trunk of my car when I suddenly hear Delsin's voice behind me: "Don't go."
I flinch as heat suffuses my body, but I don't want to react, don't want to acknowledge him.
I have put two large suitcases into the trunk already and am struggling with the third and smallest one, because the toolbox is in the way.
"Please, Caramel. I can't stand the thought of never seeing you again," he whispers.
Who the hell told him? I seethe. I take a deep breath and look at him. "It's for the best. For both of us." Then I turn away and walk over to where Ave, Hailey and Thally are standing.
First I hug Hailey tight. "I'll be in Texas on the weekend. I'll come see you," she whispers.
"I'm looking forward to that," I
whisper back.
Then I hug Thally, who is crying. "I hate goodbyes. We'll catch up some time during the summer, okay, Cami? Promise me you're going to find the time to come see me."
"Of course," I sniffle, thinking that I hate goodbyes at least as much as she does.
Thally lets go of me and kisses me on the forehead. "Take care of yourself, will you."
I nod and turn to Avery. "I guess this is goodbye then," I say, my voice smaller than ever.
I can see the tears welling in his eyes, too. "But not for good. We're going to meet again," he murmurs and pulls me into a tight embrace. I would never have thought that he could become this close, but he is really the best friend I have.
And I am a terrible friend, because I am turning my back on him, on all of them. I’ve got to do what is best for me, and that is heading home. Ave holds me for much longer than I feel comfortable with right now, but this embrace may be our last, so I don't push him away. "I'm going to miss you," I tell him with a sniffle.
"Me too, but we will phone and chat and meet when I'm going to visit Texas or when you're around. Is that clear?"
I nod quickly. "We will. Promise."
Ave lets me go and kisses me on the cheek. "Talk to him," he whispers.
My hands form into fists as I look over at Delsin. "Okay," I concur and face him.
Ave waves my girl friends away: "Girls, let's give them a moment."
Delsin stands there, hands buried in his pockets, rocking on his heels, watching me. "So this is it, huh?"
"Yes," is all I can say.
He takes a small step towards me. "May I hug you one last time?"
"Okay," I say shyly.
Delsin crosses the distance between us and seems to tower over me. I have to lean my head back to look at him. I'm wearing sneakers today, so the height difference is more pronounced.
He pulls me into an embrace, tentatively, tenderly, and then he caresses my back.
I put my arms around his neck and lay my cheek against his chest for a brief moment.
"Please don't leave me, Camille," he murmurs.
I pull away and take a step back. "You're going to find someone else, someone you ... can give all you have to give," I say hoarsely and swallow hard.
"I want to give it all to you. My heart and soul, everything I have, damn it, Caramel."
"Go home and forget me, Delsin. Don't think of me. I'm going to try and forget you, too," I say with a cold determination that frightens me. I didn't know I could be this frigid and callous.
He shakes his head. "This cannot be over."
"Yes, it can," is all I say.
He pulls me close and presses his lips against mine. The kiss is neither tender nor rough, but desperate, as if he wanted to get me to stay with him. Unfortunately, I let it happen, I grant him this final kiss, return it even. My hands cup his cheeks, while his hold my neck and my back.
Delsin makes it last and his kiss becomes more passionate, but this is where it becomes too much for me. I pull away, even take a step back, out of his immediate reach, and he lets me go. "Forget me, Delsin."
Then I offer him a sad smile and turn around, intending to get into my car. Before I can fully open the door, however, he is standing close, pressing the door shut again. "Don't go," he pleads, despair rife in his voice.
"Delsin, please," I sigh.
He shakes his head. "You mustn't go."
"And why not?"
"Because I love you, Camille. You ... you're the first woman who made it into my heart in years."
"That isn't love, not yet, not so quickly," I object and try to open the car door.
"I need you, Caramel," he whispers.
I don't know what to say to that, so I remain silent and look over at Ave, who has been watching us from a distance. He points at Delsin, then down the road. A silent question, should I get him off your back? I nod at him and then look at Delsin one more time. "We can try to be friends. I promised you that we would be friends in case it didn't work out," I offer.
Delsin is crying. It is the first time that I see him like that, utterly sad and battered. It chokes me.
"This is crap. Why are you running away? Why are you throwing it all away, your studies, us, everything?"
I sigh. "Because this is who I am."
"This is not you. It's your fear, maybe. You are different. You are ambitious and ..." He shakes his head and lowers his eyes. His tears are dripping on the asphalt of the parking lot, when Ave approaches him. "Come on, man, let her go. It's better this way," he says softly.
"She hates me," Delsin says darkly.
"I don't hate you, Delsin ... I merely realized that we don't have a future. I wished you would accept this, too, and find a woman who can love you, unconditionally," I interfere.
"You could be that woman, but you don't want to," he says accusingly and takes a step towards me. Ave doesn't react quickly enough to stop him, but I am not afraid of Delsin. I know he isn't going to hurt me. He takes my face in his hands again and stares into my eyes. "You could," he murmurs against my lips, and then he presses his against them.
I let him kiss me, but this time I don't return it. I merely close my eyes and let it happen.
When he pulls away, he brushes his fingers across my cheek. "Goodbye, Caramel."
"Goodbye, Delsin."
Then he turns and walks away. I look at his back, feeling sad that I have rejected him so many times since I caught him kissing Cay.
Ave comes closer, presses a brief kiss against my temple and then pats my shoulder. "I guess I'd better follow him, lest he knocks someone down to vent his frustration."
I nod at him. "Okay." Then I finally get into my car. I wave at my friends before I steer the car out of the parking lot, and then I leave Coral Gables behind.
***
A sticky highway motel, three hours in a traffic jam and five cups of coffee later, I am close to home. Delsin has written countless text messages I haven't read. I'm going to need a few days to distance myself from him and from it all. The goodbye was tough and it hurt, but it was necessary for both of us, so we can return to our respective lives. Within minutes, I should reach the farm. I'm looking forward to being with mom and Buck, my stepdad.
I pass the spot where the accident happened, the spot where I saved the neighbors' kid. An uneasy feeling takes hold of me instantly, and I know this is something I'm going to have to shake off. At all costs. I have to live with the memory, and some day, I'll get over it, just as I'll get over Kieran, and also Delsin. It's going to take time, that's all.
After I have passed the spot, I can already see the driveway to mom's farm. I park a few yards before the turn and look at myself in the rearview mirror. I have covered the dark circles under my eyes with make-up, so she's not going to see those. Even though my mom can sense my emotions from a hundred miles away, I won't tell her about me and Delsin. At least not right now. I drive the last yards and see mom and Buck step out of the house. It is huge for a farm house, with several bedrooms. Originally, my parents had planned to turn it into a bed and breakfast, where guests could try their hand at working the fields or caring for the animals. By now, we don't own that many animals anymore. After the divorce, mom had to sell quite a few for want of financial means. It only got better when she met Buck.
I park the car and get out. I run towards my mom and throw my arms around her. "Hi, mom," I greet her happily.
"Hi, honey," she says and hugs me tight.
"I've missed you so much."
"I've missed you, too, baby, I've missed you, too." She kisses the crown of my head and then lets go of me. "You look so different, so grown-up," she smiles.
I press my lips together and turn to Buck. His mustache has grayed and he grins at me. "There's our little girl. What is the wide, wide world like?"
"Too wide, far too wide," I answer. "I'm so glad to be home again."
"Come here, honey." He pulls me into a tight embrace and lifts me up, which makes me laugh. When h
e sets me down again, he looks me up and down. "And now put on your boots quickly, or I will start to worry you've forgotten what a girl from Texas looks like."
"Aye, sir," I salute with a smirk. "But first I ought to take a shower and carry all my stuff into the house."
"Your mother was hoping you'd bring a wagonload of dirty laundry. She was missing that, doing your laundry," he teases my mom.
"Most of it is clean, actually, because I didn't want to cause too much work for mom," I counter and hop over to my car. I open the trunk and Buck stands next to me to help carry my suitcases. He pulls out both of them. "Steve can't wait to see you," he says softly.
"Me neither," I nod.
"But if you meet him like that, he won't recognize you," he teases me.
"That's why I'll put on my Texas gear so y'all recognize me for who I am, ma'am," I giggle.
Buck carries the two large suitcases into the house, while I fetch the smaller one from the backseat, as well as my handbag from the passenger seat.
Mom is standing behind me. "Didn't you want to bring along your boyfriend?"
I turn around and make a sad face.
"Oh dear. I won't ask further questions."
"Thank you, mom. When I'm ready, I'll tell you everything, okay?"
"Of course, baby," she smiles, puts an arm around my shoulder and leads me to the house. My suitcases are not in the hallway, so I assume Buck has carried them to my room.
"Does he live here now?" I ask.
"Yes. I was feeling rather lonely after you left, so he decided to move in," she explains.
"Do you have a date yet?"
"A date for what?"
"For your wedding, mom. He asked you ages ago, and I don't think he's going to want to wait forever," I chide her softly.
"Cami, I ... I don't want to get married again, and he knows that well enough. The divorce from your father has cost me lots of strength, and I don't want to have to go through this again."
We walk into the kitchen together and I sit down at the counter, which divides the kitchen and dining area. "But you and Buck have been a couple for so long now. He was there for you, whatever happened, all the important stuff, the difficult stuff, and he never showed signs of wanting to get out when things got rough. I don't think he's ever going to leave you for some city bitch. He loves you, mom."
Rough: Daunting Temptation (Coral Gables Series Book 1) Page 13
