Tapping out

by Ash, Nikki

  “Tristan and I—” The door swings open, cutting me off, and in comes the nurse, the doctor, and the baby.

  “Here she is.” The nurse wheels the baby to me and hands her to me. “We had to give her a small bottle of sugar water during the transfusion but you can breastfeed now. The doctor will explain everything to you.”

  I take my baby in my arms and look her over. Her eyes are open wide, staring at me, her lips making a sucking motion. Not caring about anybody else being in the room, I pull my nursing gown down and latch her on the way the lactation specialist showed me, then pull the light blanket over her so she can eat in peace.

  I look up and see Marco staring at me with a look of… awe? I’m not sure.

  “The blood transfusion went through without any complications,” the doctor says. “Normally the IV is taken out, but because she is a baby, we have taped it up and are keeping it in, in case she needs anything. We ran her blood and her red blood cell count is up.”

  “Is there anything I need to do for her?” I ask.

  “You’re breastfeeding and that will help with the anemia. We are going to monitor her for the next twenty-four hours. If we need to, we will put her under the UV lights. To prevent jaundice, you will want to expose her to the sun light. Have her sleep near a window, take her for walks.”

  “Ok, thank you.” I peek inside the blanket to make sure my daughter is breathing and eating ok. I have a feeling I’m going to be hovering over her for the next several weeks—maybe months— making sure she is ok.

  “I will be by later to check on her.” The doctor and nurse both excuse themselves and I lift my daughter up over my shoulder to burp her.

  “Can I hold her?” Marco asks.

  “Not on your damn life.” We both look over and see Tristan stalking in. “You think because you suddenly show up, you are just going to have access to her? That’s not happening.”

  Tristan walks over and stands next to me. I latch the baby onto my other breast and cover her with the blanket.

  “You can’t keep me from my kid,” Marco says.

  “The kid you told Bella to abort?” Tristan scoffs.

  “I didn’t know she was mine.”

  “That may be true,” I say, “but you looked right at the blonde you were snorting coke with and told her if she ever got knocked up she better be ready to have an abortion.”

  I hear a gasp from the door and see Hayley and Caleb as well as my parents all standing in the doorway.

  “You did not say that, Marco. Please tell me you didn’t.” Hayley has her hand over her heart. I didn’t mean for them to hear that.

  “I was so fucked up. I can’t take it back and I’m not trying to make excuses but I wouldn’t have said it, if I wasn’t high. I know I need to take responsibility for the shit I said and did while high and I have every intention to. But the problem with words is, I can’t take them back. I can only try to make it right,” Marco pleads.

  “You told me plenty of times you didn’t want to have kids, Marco. You told me you didn’t want kids because according to you, your bloodlines are tainted, and you weren’t high when you said that,” I point out.

  “I know that! I know what I said” –Marco rubs his face with his hands, clearly frustrated– “But that was before we created a baby.”

  “I need some time,” I say. “I need to focus on Micaela. Right now, she’s all that matters.”

  “Micaela?” Tristan questions.

  “Yes, her name is Micaela. Spelled M-I-C-A-E-L-A.”

  “You’re naming the baby after the guy who said he didn’t want her?” Tristan looks at me incredulously.

  “Look, why don’t we take a step back?” my mom suggests. “Emotions are running high. We don’t want to say things we can’t take back. Marco and Tristan, why don’t you both go home for a little bit. Let’s give Bella some time with Micaela. She will be discharged in less than forty-eight hours and we will sort this all out then.”

  Both guys nod in understanding and walk to the door not daring to argue with my mom. Hayley comes over and gives me a kiss on my forehead. “I think her name is beautiful.”

  Caleb gives me a small smile before they both leave.

  “Bella, for what it’s worth, I agree with Hayley, I think it’s a beautiful name,” my mom says.

  “Thank you.”

  My dad doesn’t comment on the name. He simply says, “You’re moving home.”

  “What?” I lift Micaela up and burp her once more.

  “You’re moving home.”

  I place Micaela back in her bassinet and make sure she’s wrapped up tightly before I say, “that’s a decision I’ll have to make.”

  Eighteen

  Marco

  My parents, Tristan, and I step onto the elevator together, the tension in the small enclosed space so thick you could cut it with a knife. Speaking of a knife, it’s a damn good thing weapons aren’t allowed in the hospital because Tristan is glaring at me like he wants to stab me. When I open my mouth to say something to him, my dad shakes his head, so I close my mouth. I can’t even imagine how Tristan is feeling right now, and I don’t blame him for being pissed at me for hurting Bella and at Bella for hurting him. This entire situation is a goddamn cluster-fuck of epic proportions.

  We get to the first-floor and Tristan walks away without saying a word.

  “Now wasn’t the time,” my dad says. “That man spent the last nine months taking responsibility for a baby he knew wasn’t his just for Bella. You need to respect that.”

  “I do respect it, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to have another man raise my baby.”

  “It was obvious from the get-go, Bella and Tristan weren’t really together,” my mom says. “But one day she will be with someone and you will have to accept that.”

  The thought of Bella being with someone else, loving someone else, kissing someone else, having sex with someone else has my fists clenching.

  “What’s going through that head of yours?” My dad nods toward my tightened fists.

  “Bella and Micaela are mine.”

  My dad laughs. “Well then you better get to groveling because I guaran-fucking-tee she wouldn’t agree with that statement.”

  I know he’s right. I have my work cut out for me but I’m not giving up. I’m the one who fucked this all up and now I’m going to make things right.

  “What time is it?” I ask.

  My mom looks at her watch. “A little after two. Why?”

  “We need to go to the baby store. I need to get my condo baby ready. Then I need to go to a meeting.”

  My parents give each other a look. “You don’t think maybe you’re jumping the gun, Son?”

  “My goal is to have both those girls under my roof but regardless, Micaela will eventually be under this roof. I know I’ve messed up but Bella’s not the type of person to keep her from me.”

  And I truly believe that. Bella is one of the best people I know. On top of that, she grew up for the first four years without her dad in her life and I know she wouldn’t purposely do that to the father of her child.

  “Ok then, we have some baby stuff to buy, but Marco, you need to give Bella some time. Don’t push her, because if you do, you just might push her too hard.”

  My parents and I spend the afternoon shopping for all things baby. The store says they can have it delivered tomorrow and have it all set up. I never realized all the shit babies need. My mom never had half that shit for my sister, Chloe. It makes me sad to think about how much she was truly neglected and how thankful I am for Kayla and Bentley adopting her.

  Afterward, my parents go back to my place to relax and shower while I attend my first narcotics anonymous meeting. It’s held in a church, and I spot my sponsor right away. I met him a few times while at the facility. I’m nervous about being here. I know everyone here has been through their own shit, so they won’t be judging me, but sitting here makes it all too real. For the rest of my life, I will be a recoverin
g addict. I will have to work every day to make sure drugs are never a part of my life again.

  Jay tells me I don’t have to introduce myself if I don’t want to but I do. I need to take this shit seriously. This isn’t just my future at stake if I don’t; it’s also Bella’s and Micaela’s. When the gentleman at the front asks if there is anyone new joining who would like to introduce themselves, I stand.

  “My name is Marco and I’m a recovering addict,” I start. Everyone says hi then I continue. “I was in an accident with my best friend. He was left in a coma and I was left injured and in pain. I need to be well to work and the pain got to be too much. I turned to drugs… to pills and eventually coke and heroine to numb the pain. My mom was a drug addict who overdosed. I don’t want to end up like my mom.” I sit down and the gentleman thanks me and the meeting continues.

  A few people go up to receive their different color key tags to celebrate their different lengths of staying clean. My name is called last and I go up to receive a white key tag. Engraved on it is “Welcome.” I thank the gentleman, who I learned is named Brad and have a seat until the meeting ends.

  Once I say goodbye to a couple of people who introduced themselves to me after the meeting concluded, and speak with Jay, I head out to meet my parents for dinner. We spend the time together discussing Bella, my meeting and sponsor, Micaela, and how Mackenzie and Chloe are doing through all this. I make a note to call them both to speak to them about all of this. They are both Micaela’s aunts.

  After dinner, my parents call it a night. It’s around nine o’clock when my phone rings, an unknown number popping up on the caller id.

  “Hello.”

  “Umm...hey… it’s Bella. I wasn’t sure if this was still your number but I figured I would try.” She’s rambling nervously and it pulls at my heart strings. There was a time when Bella wouldn’t have been nervous to call me. God how I’ve missed this girl. Missed our friendship.

  “Anyway, I just wanted to thank you—”

  “Thank me?” I cut in.

  “For giving Micaela your blood. If you wouldn’t have, we would have had to wait. I know her anemia wasn’t life threatening but still…”

  “Belles,” I sigh. “You don’t have to thank me. She’s my daughter too. And even if she wasn’t, she’s yours. I would do anything for her. I’m just glad I was sober and had no drugs in my system so I could donate. If this was three months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to.” And fuck if that isn’t a shock to my gut, just another reminder what’s at stake by me staying clean.

  There’s a pregnant pause and then Bella says, “So you went to rehab.” I think it’s meant to be a question but it comes out as more of a thought.

  “I did. I’m ninety-two days sober. I got out yesterday actually. I was planning to come by to talk to you but then everything happened before I could.”

  “I’m glad you got help, Marco.” I can hear the raw emotion in her words and it guts me.

  “When I found out the baby was mine, I called my dad.”

  “Wait, when you found out—” There’s a loud wail and the phone gets all muffled. “Hey Marco, I have to go. Micaela is up and needs to be fed. I sent my parents back to their hotel because they were beyond exhausted and my dad has to head back tomorrow with my brother and sister.”

  “You’re there by yourself?” I don’t know much about babies but I can’t imagine just having been sliced open would make it easy to care for a newborn.

  “Yeah, the nurses come around.” The baby’s cries get louder. “I gotta go, but I just wanted to say thank you.”

  Before I can respond, the line goes dead. I throw on a pair of basketball shorts, a T-shirt, and slip on a pair of slides, grabbing my keys and cell phone. I find a piece of paper to leave a note on the counter, letting my parents know I went to the hospital in case they wake up and I’m not back yet. Locking the door behind me, I head to the hospital.

  As I’m hurrying down the hall, I spot a gift shop and take a detour inside. I noticed when I visited before, all the flowers and balloons filling up her room.

  “Can I get a dozen of these balloons blown up?” I ask the lady at the counter.

  “Sure.” And a thought comes to mind.

  “Wait! Do you have a permanent marker I can use?” She looks at me confused but hands it to me.

  After writing what I need to on each of the balloons, I hand the marker and balloons to her. While she’s filling them up, I spot Bella’s favorite candy on the display rack near the register.

  “These too, please.”

  Once she’s done blowing up the balloons and ringing me up, I make my way to the Labor and Delivery ward, to the recovery wing. Because I’m the father, they let me through after I show them my identification. I open the door slowly in case Bella and Micaela are asleep but when I walk in, the scene in front of me nearly takes my breath away. Bella is talking softly to Micaela; she’s holding her close and smiling at her daughter like she hung the moon and if it’s not the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what is. Without her knowing, I pull out my phone and snap a picture to capture the moment. Only I don’t realize my phone is on loud, so when the picture snaps, it makes a shutter sound.

  “What are you doing here?” Bella looks up in surprise.

  I walk inside, the balloons bobbing everywhere—getting stuck in the doorway—and Bella gives me a what the fuck look. After finally getting all the balloons into the room, I place them next to her bed. When they float to the ceiling we both look up.

  “I probably should have tied those to something huh?” Bella just giggles.

  “What do they say?” She tries to read the writing on the balloons, so I grab one and bring it down.

  “It’s not a boy?” she questions.

  “Yeah, because I know you hate pink and they didn’t have any blue ‘it’s a girl’ balloons.”

  She cracks up laughing and fuck if I haven’t missed that sound.

  “Umm… you know you could have just crossed out the word boy and wrote girl, right?”

  I look up at the balloon. “Well, shit. I guess that would’ve made more sense.” I shrug and she laughs some more.

  “Well, I love them. All of them.”

  “Yeah, I got a dozen. Figured it would help even out all the pink. It looks like Barbie’s dream prom up in here.”

  “Ha! Apparently having a girl means dressing her in all pink. I tried to buy a green onesie once and my mom thought I was crazy and made me put it back.”

  “And I would bet my life, you went back and bought it.”

  “Hell yes, I did!”

  A memory pops into my head and I laugh.

  “What?”

  “I was just remembering that time you grew out of your MMA gi and your mom ordered you a new one.”

  “Oh my God! It was magenta! Like, who the heck wears a magenta freaking gi?”

  “You did! Until you threw it in the washer with bleach.”

  “I was hoping to turn it white! My mom said the bleach turned clothes white! How was I supposed to know she didn’t mean literally?”

  We laugh.

  “I also brought you these.” I hand her the bag filled with white KitKats.

  “Oh yum! My favorite.” She opens one up, taking a bite.

  “Yeah I was shocked to see them at the register because everybody knows white chocolate is gross.”

  “It is not. They are the best! Better than the milk chocolate.”

  “I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Candy bars are meant to be made of chocolate. That white shit is like eating fake chocolate.”

  “And I will say it once again, we will just have to agree to disagree because white chocolate is the best chocolate.”

  We sit there in silence for a few minutes, neither of us knowing what to say next. I breathe a sigh of relief when Bella says something.

  “Did you come all this way just to bring me balloons and candy?

  “I’m here to h
elp.” I grab a seat and pull it up to her bed then lean over to take a look at our daughter. Her eyes are just barely open.

  “She just finished eating so she’s going to pass out soon. Want to hand me a diaper and wipes so I can change her?”

  “I can do it if you want.” I put my hands out to take her but quickly pull them back in. “If that’s ok.”

  “Of course, it is. Do you know how? I can walk you through it.”

  I put my hands out and Bella hands me my daughter for the first time. I gently cradle her head and hold her tight. For a minute I don’t move, I just look at this precious little miracle that I can’t even remember creating.

  Without realizing I am doing it, I sniffle back the tears that are trying to seep out and Bella puts her hand on my arm. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

  “God, Belles, I don’t even remember making her. I’m such a piece of shit.”

  “No, you aren’t. You were on drugs. I just didn’t realize it.”

  “That’s not a damn excuse.” I shake my head and look down at our baby. “She’s so tiny. I remember when my mom brought Chloe home, and then when Hayley brought Mackenzie home. I didn’t think it was possible to love a baby any more than I loved them, but looking at my daughter, my heart feels like it’s going to explode, and because I chose to turn to drugs, I almost never met her.”

  I glance up at Bella. “Thank you for not aborting her. I can’t even imagine how scared you were and then I said all that shit, and I wouldn’t have blamed you if you would have had an abortion.”

  I raise Micaela up to my nose and sniff her. She has that baby scent newborns have. Chloe and Mackenzie both smelt the same way.

  I stand up and head over to the changing table to change her diaper. “I used to change all of Chloe’s diapers. My mom—when she came home from the hospital—sunk right into depression. Chloe’s dad had been killed in a drive-by shooting, and my mom, she just couldn’t handle it. She would smoke and drink all the time and I would take care of Chloe. I hated when I would have to go to school and Chloe would be left alone with my mom. Or when I would go to the gym, I would feel so guilty, but I was so young and I needed to get away sometimes. The best day of my life was the day Caleb saved us.”