Memoir in the Making: A May-December Romance

by Adrian J. Smith

  By holding the cookie sheet with their dinner on board, she couldn’t knock. Meredith kicked out her foot, rapping it gently against the bottom of the door. Sam finally came to answer it, and when the door opened, she was hit with the sickening smell of hospital and musk. She held her breath and fixed the biggest smile she could on her face.

  “Hey, Sam.”

  “Meredith!” He put his hands out and gripped her arms, bringing his face closer and planting a kiss on each cheek. She truly did smile then. Sam led her into the apartment and took the cookie sheet from her once they were in the kitchen, which was about ten steps from the front door. Meredith turned on the oven and set their dinner back inside to keep it warm while they chatted up a storm.

  Sam already had a bottle of wine open and breathing. He poured two glasses and held his out for her to clink them together. Meredith obliged and then waited to see if Sam would say anything.

  “To friendship and to misery.”

  “That’s morose,” she answered and took a drink.

  “It’s about how I feel right now.”

  “Oh?” Meredith sipped from her wine again and looked around the tiny two-bedroom apartment. There were pieces of medical equipment everywhere. Everything looked chaotic and messy. Sam was a neat freak; even his office at the school was meticulously organized one hundred percent of the time. Everything in Sam’s life was in a sad state. Meredith drank some more wine to distract herself, but she couldn’t resist asking the one question on her mind.

  “How bad is he?”

  “He’s not good,” Sam answered, glancing back at where the bedrooms were. “Hospice doctors say a few weeks at most. He’s still eating, but not every day and sometimes he just refuses.”

  Tears sprung into Sam’s eyes, and by consequence, into Meredith’s eyes. She set down her glass of wine and moved to Sam, wrapping her arms around his middle and pressing her face to his chest. She held onto him, breathing in his cologne deeply. She held onto him for minutes. Eventually Sam wrapped his arms around her, rubbing his hands up and down her back and nuzzling his nose into her hair. Meredith said nothing—there was nothing she could say. Her best friend’s life partner was dying, and there was no doubt in her mind Sam would be a mess afterward. They were soul mates—something Meredith had seen since meeting them.

  “It’s so hard,” Sam whispered.

  “I know, baby. I know.”

  He was crying. It took her a bit to realize it, but when he sniffled in her ear, she knew he was crying and desperately wished she had come over more in the summer and come over sooner in the school year. She had left Sam on his own to deal with one of the hardest things he would have to work through. Meredith clenched her hands into fists, taking the back of his shirt firmly. She patted his back and moved away, brushing away the tears from her own eyes.

  Sam did the same and then picked up his wine again, downing the rest of the glass. Meredith sipped at her own before moving to set up the dining room table for two. Sam sat down on the couch and stared off into space while she worked, and she felt utter sorrow for him.

  Dinner was a quiet meal with stilted conversation. Meredith and Sam wanted to avoid the topic in the other room, and so they talked about anything but. They ate quickly, and Meredith cleaned up while Sam checked in on Jeremy and woke him up. She was just finishing dishes when Sam came back out and took her by the hand.

  He led her through the kitchen and down the tiny hallway to the back bedroom. Meredith followed, her bare feet on the carpet from the shoes she had kicked off earlier, and she refused to look up and see where they were going. She knew what was going to happen. She was going to see Jeremy in bed, barely alive save for medical intervention, and she was going to break.

  Hitching a breath, they entered the bedroom, the door squeaking slightly as it was opened. She closed her eyes and then opened them. Jeremy lay prone in the bed just like she had imagined, but he looked so different. His face was gaunt and pale, nothing more than the bones of his features and skin hanging off them. She bit her tongue to stop the tears from flooding forth and stayed next to Sam’s side with his hand in hers. Jeremy’s brown hair was dull and lifeless, chopped short away from his face instead of styled and messy on purpose. His eyes were the worst. They stuck out like sore thumbs on his face, and his pale blue eyes looked almost clear.

  He looked like death. Death with a manicure. She smiled at the thought as she moved closer and took his hand in hers. She rubbed his cold fingers gingerly in her hand, warming them and smiling at him. Jeremy’s cracked and drying lips turned in her direction before he spoke.

  “Hey, girly.”

  “Hey,” she said, grinning.

  “Long time no see.”

  “Yeah, got busy this summer.”

  “More books?”

  “Three in one summer. It kept me very busy trying to keep up with it all.” She rubbed his arm, using the touch to center herself. Sam sat in a chair next to the head of the tiny twin bed and settled a hand on Jeremy’s shoulder.

  “Three good ones?”

  “The sales are doing well enough.”

  “Good,” he said and coughed slightly. His breath wheezed each time he struggled to take one in.

  She wished she could reach over, touch his chest, and ease the air from his body. She wished she could help. “Maybe Sam will go buy his copy and read them to you,” she added. “I’m sure he could make certain scenes in there real interesting to read out loud.”

  Jeremy chuckled and then coughed. Sam reached over and held out a glass of water with a straw in it so he could sip. Once Jeremy had calmed down enough, he lay back against the pillows. “I bet he could.”

  “Good.” Meredith rubbed his hand again, not sure what to say. One of her best friends was dying, and the truth of the situation had smacked her hard in the face. She hadn’t known Jeremy was this bad, hadn’t known weeks would be his outcome. “Well, I’ve got to get running. Early morning tomorrow. I miss seeing you,” she said.

  Meredith stood up and leaned over Jeremy’s prone form, pressing a kiss gently to his papery skin. She worried for a brief moment about cutting him with too much force before she pushed the silly thought away and left the room. Sam didn’t follow her. Meredith made it back to the kitchen and clutched a hand over her heart, breathing heavily. Tears threatened to spill, and she did her damnedest to hold them at bay.

  She wrapped up the last of the potpie and left it in the fridge for Sam. Grabbing her cookie sheet, she darted for the door, her shoes and her car. She shoved the cookie sheet into the back of her car and sat in the driver’s seat, tears already falling down her cheeks. She needed to walk, needed to get it out, needed some time to just be alone. Getting out of the vehicle, she locked it and put the keys in her pocket. Meredith took a deep breath of the damp night air, knowing it was going to rain any second.

  She made it to the gate when the first drop fell. By the time she reached the end of the block, her hair and jacket were drenched and her feet ached from her heels and the water down by her toes. She lost track of how far she had walked and just kept going until she couldn’t think anymore.

  #

  Ainsley had the heat on in the car. The chill wouldn’t leave her feet, and she wished she was in the passenger seat so she could stick them up under the vent. Shivering and chattering her teeth, she drove slowly, the rain coming down hard compared to normal. Usually it was just a light sprinkle, but this time it was raining hard. She had roughly two miles to go until she reached her house, and she had no desire to spin out.

  Shivering again, Ainsley turned up the car radio and made her way down the road. She narrowed her eyes when she saw something ahead. Her lights flashed on someone walking along the side of the road two blocks down. She strained her gaze to make out the person so she could drive around them. When she got up to them, she drove in the far lane to avoid splashing, and when she turned to look over at the idiot who decided to go for a walk in the middle of a rain storm, she hit her bra
kes.

  “Shit,” she muttered.

  Pulling over on the side of the road, Ainsley got out of her beat up old car, and with her shoulders squared straight, she walked up to none other than Meredith Frenz. If anything, she would be glad to be able to toss this back in Meredith’s face. If Meredith was allowed to walk outside by herself on this side of town, certainly Ainsley should be allowed to do it.

  Ainsley stomped up to Meredith with fury in her steps, ready for another confrontation, but Meredith just kept walking. She had her head down to the ground and probably didn’t even notice Ainsley. Ainsley heard her sniffle and wrinkled her nose before jogging a few steps to catch up. Ainsley put a hand on Meredith’s shoulder and spun her around. This time Meredith did look up.

  “What are you doing walking by yourself at night?” Ainsley accused. “Don’t you know it’s not the safest thing to do?”

  Meredith looked at Ainsley squarely in the face before looking up and down the road. She shook her head, her eyes focusing back on Ainsley as her red lips opened. Her hair was stringy from the water that clung to it. She didn’t have glasses on like she normally did, and her eyes seemed so much bigger without them. Ainsley stepped closer, her hand reaching out to Meredith’s arm.

  “Is something wrong?”

  “I—I don’t know how I ended up here. I thought I was walking home, but home clearly isn’t in this direction. I’m sorry,” Meredith stuttered and flicked her eyes up to Ainsley’s before dropping them again. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

  “Meredith, is something wrong?”

  Meredith’s lips quivered and her eyes scrunched tight. She stood still for a brief moment before her chin jerked up and down in a nod.

  “I’m sorry. I just—I’ll walk home now. It’s fine, really. I’ll be fine.”

  “Meredith,” Ainsley said and stepped even closer. She didn’t hesitate when she pulled Meredith to her and put her arms around her in a warm embrace. She didn’t think twice about the rain soaked jacket Meredith wore as it seeped into her own sweatshirt. She rubbed Meredith’s back and kissed the side of Meredith’s head when Meredith buried her nose in Ainsley’s neck.

  Her sobs tore through the night, overpowering the rain as it fell around them and on them. Ainsley didn’t want to let her go, but she knew they had to get somewhere warm or they would both end up sick. She ushered Meredith toward her car and opened the door.

  “Come on. I’ll drive you home.”

  Meredith didn’t hesitate as she got inside. Ainsley ran around the front of the vehicle and slid into the driver’s seat, turning the heat up as high as it would go. She was constantly shivering, as was Meredith, when she drove down the road and turned instead of going straight. She may have only been to Meredith’s house once, but she definitely remembered where it was.

  Glancing over at Meredith on occasion, Ainsley noticed she was holding everything back again. Maybe not staying out in the rain had been a mistake—if Meredith held it all back until Ainsley was out of sight, then what good would Ainsley be doing? She turned into Meredith’s driveway and turned her car off.

  “Keys?”

  Meredith looked up slowly and shook her head.

  “I need your keys to open the door.”

  Meredith fished around in her soaking wet jacket and handed over watery keys to Ainsley. Ainsley ran to the front door and unlocked it before going back and pulling Meredith out of the car. She had never seen anyone act so despondent before. Putting her arm around Meredith’s waist, she led her inside, stripping off Meredith’s jacket, her fingers flitting on each button.

  Ainsley hesitated before undoing the buttons by Meredith’s breasts but pulled them through the holes anyway. She tugged off Meredith’s jacket and hung it up. Then they stood there awkwardly. Meredith’s gaze snapped up to Ainsley, and she nodded.

  “Thank you,” Meredith said. “I—I think I’m going to shower and warm up.”

  “Good idea. Your lips are blue.” Ainsley’s comment didn’t seem to faze Meredith. Instead, Meredith took off her shoes by the door and walked barefoot back to the bathroom. Ainsley stood by the door and looked around, trying to figure out just what to do. She had both the urge to run and the urge to stay at the same time. Both would have completely different consequences.

  She stripped off her shoes, thankful her socks were still dry and warm. Going to the kitchen, Ainsley turned on the lights and found a pot on the stove. Tea—everyone loves tea when they’re feeling bad. She grabbed the pot and filled it with water, setting it back on the burner. Rummaging through the cabinets to find the tea, Ainsley stood back. There were close to a hundred choices. Glancing over each one, she picked chamomile for its obvious soothing effects and put the tea bag into a mug she’d found. Deciding on one for herself, she made up a second mug and then sat at the kitchen table to wait Meredith out.

  The tea was already steeping by the time Meredith came back out. She stopped in the doorway, and Ainsley shook her head. “I thought you could use some company and tea.”

  Meredith smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Thank you,” she whispered. She sat down at the table with a mug in her hand, warming her fingers on it.

  Ainsley sat next to her rather than across, an identical mug between her own hands. She took a deep breath, waiting a few seconds before asking the only question she could think of. Turning to look at Meredith, she reached over and took one of Meredith’s hands in hers.

  “Want to talk about it?”

  Meredith shook her head and then nodded, and then she shook her head again. Giving up as another tear slid down her cheek, she turned and looked Ainsley directly. “My friend is dying. Only—only a few more weeks and then he’ll be gone.”

  “Oh, Meredith,” Ainsley’s voice broke. She leaned over and hugged Meredith tight. She didn’t let go. Meredith held on for as long as she wanted and then she pulled back, tears brimming in her eyes again. Meredith rested her head on Ainsley’s shoulder, and Ainsley rubbed her hand up and down Meredith’s back, determined to stay as long as necessary, even if it was well into the next morning.

  Chapter Eight

  Ainsley made sure to text, call, and check in with her throughout the week. Meredith had looked far better the next morning. Ainsley had ended up staying the night, sleeping on the couch while Meredith fell asleep in the bed. They’d been up until well into the night talking and chatting about anything and everything. Ainsley smiled when she looked at her phone and typed out the newest text message.

  Just checking in, she wrote.

  She didn’t expect a response right away, and she was on her way to another class and didn’t check her phone until afterward. When there still wasn’t a response, Ainsley narrowed her eyes and looked down the hall. Meredith’s office wasn’t that far away. She checked the time and made her way to Meredith’s office, hoping to catch the professor while she was there.

  Walking into the row of offices, Ainsley took an immediate right and then left. Meredith’s door was open, so Ainsley popped her head in and knocked with her knuckle at the same time. Meredith looked up from her computer and immediately shut down whatever was on her screen. Ainsley smiled and came in.

  “You can shut the door,” Meredith said.

  Ainsley obliged, shutting the door before sitting down in what she deemed the most uncomfortable chair in all of history. It was wooden, rickety, and she was convinced that if she sat down in it hard enough it would fall to the floor in a million little pieces.

  “I texted you,” Ainsley said.

  “Did you?”

  Meredith reached over and picked up her phone, turning on the screen. Ainsley saw her name across it with a text message attached.

  “You did,” Meredith commented, opening her phone and reading the message quickly. “I’m fine, thanks. I was in a faculty meeting and then came back to do some lesson planning.”

  “Oh—well, I can leave if you want, let you get back to that.”

  Meredith smirked, and Ains
ley smiled in response. “I wasn’t actually lesson planning, but I had intended on it.”

  Ainsley grinned. “Bad teacher.”

  “On occasion yes. Just needed a break to refocus. How is it with you and Adam, by the way? I haven’t asked recently. He and Cody still…?”

  “Yeah, they are. Longest they’ve been together except for the first time.”

  “Perhaps this time—”

  “I doubt it. But at least it doesn’t frustrate me as much this time as it did last time. I just…I don’t want to see Adam go through it again, and I know it’s going to happen. I’ll be stuck being there for him and soothing him and that’s the most annoying part.”

  “I can imagine.”

  Meredith pulled one of her feet up under her body in her chair, and Ainsley noticed for the first time they were bare. Her shoes were discarded under her desk, and for some reason, the thought of it made Ainsley smile. The clothes Meredith wore were only for show, not for comfort.

  “Are you coming to the potluck this weekend?” Meredith asked.

  Ainsley scrunched her nose and shrugged. “It really doesn’t sound all that fun, and I have this thing going on the next day.”

  “Oh,” Meredith said, her face falling.

  Ainsley bit her tongue and closed her eyes. Hanging out with all of her college professors for an evening didn’t sound like the greatest idea, especially if Meredith was going to be there and it was going to be at her house—there were too many memories there, too many thoughts of a different nature. She wanted to avoid them as much as she could.

  “Maybe I could swing it.”

  “It would be really nice to see you there,” Meredith said, her tone stilted.

  Sighing, Ainsley shook her head. “Fine, I’ll come. It’ll be interesting anyway. I’ve never been to one before.”