A Nest of Sparrows

by Deborah Raney

  He walked through the living room, picking up empty popcorn bowls and dirty glasses and carrying them out to the kitchen. The sink was already full of lukewarm sudsy water, so he put the dishes in to soak.

  Standing at the sink with his hands immersed in the lukewarm water, a wave of bitter nostalgia came over him. This was it. This part of his life was over. Tomorrow night––and God only knew how many tomorrows after––he would stand at this sink and wash one plate, one glass, one fork, one spoon. The kids would be gone, and the house would echo with the din of their absence.

  His knees buckled and he slumped over the sink, supporting his weight on his elbows. God…how am I going to tell them. I can’t do this. Don’t make me do this. Help me, Lord.

  Never had he wanted so desperately to pretend everything was okay. Never had he wanted so much to go tuck each of those precious kids into bed and kiss them goodnight, like it was an ordinary day.

  The clatter of three sets of footsteps on the stairway jolted him. He stood up straight and dried his hands, swabbed his forehead with the dishtowel.

  The kids came to the kitchen and stood before him expectantly. They smelled of soap and toothpaste and sunshine. He breathed it in, wanting to remember all of it.

  “In there,” he said, slanting his head toward the living room.

  They filed in and lined up on the couch. As he followed them through the house, he turned off the lights in the kitchen and dining room, leaving the house in darkness.

  He flipped on a lamp and pulled a straight-back chair out from the wall. He set it backward in front of them, straddling it, resting his elbows on its high back.

  Three well-scrubbed faces stared up at him.

  Lord, I can’t do this. “Okay, guys. I need to talk to you about something important.”

  As though their movements were choreographed, they all leaned forward and tipped their chins up a notch.

  Any other time, Wade would have laughed, but now he just wanted to get this terrible moment over with. “You guys know something’s been going on…with your dad showing up here and with all my visits to the lawyer. Well, your dad…he wants you kids back. He thinks it would be best if you went to live with him. I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. Your dad has had some problems and…well, I told my lawyer about that, and we’re talking to the judge to try to decide what would be best.”

  The kids sat like statues, their eyes trained on him. He wished he could know what they were thinking. How much could they even comprehend of what he was saying? Especially little Dani?

  He shifted on the chair and continued. “It takes a long time to decide things like this, and the judge thinks it might be best if you guys go stay with another family while we try to work everything out.”

  Beau wrinkled his brow. “What other family?”

  “Well, I don’t know yet. It would be a foster family. Do you know what that is?”

  “Luke Hammell has foster parents. Is it like that?”

  “Yes, I’m sure it is. And I bet he’s pretty happy with his foster parents, right?”

  Beau shrugged. “I guess.”

  Wade cleared his throat. “Foster parents are just ordinary moms and dads who open up their home for kids like you to stay for a while until the grownups get everything straightened out and decide what would be the very best thing for the kids.”

  “But why can’t we just stay here while they decide?” Lacey said. “All our stuff is here. I don’t want to go.”

  Wade leaned over the chair back and patted her arm. “I know, sweetie. I don’t want you to go, either. But that’s what the judge thinks would be the best. We don’t really have a choice. Once a judge makes a decision, it’s pretty hard to change his mind.”

  “How long do we hafta stay with foster parents?” Beau asked.

  “I honestly don’t know, bud. Hopefully not long.”

  “Like a week?”

  Wade looked at the floor before he met Beau’s gaze. “Probably longer than that. But we’ll see. We’ll just have to take it one day at a time.”

  “When do we hafta go there?”

  “Well, that’s why I wanted to talk to you. Remember the lady––the social worker––who came to see us that night?”

  Three heads nodded in unison.

  “She’s going to come and pick you up tomorrow and take you to the foster home.”

  “Tomorrow?” A look of horror spread over Beau’s features.

  Dani looked at her brother and her face crumpled. “I don’t want to go tomorrow, Wade.”

  “Can’t we wait and go later?” Lacey said, her voice rising a pitch.

  “How come you never told us?” Defiance sparked in Beau’s eyes.

  “Well…I really just found out myself, bud.” He swung the chair aside and knelt on the floor in front of the couch. “Hey…I don’t like this any better than you do. But maybe the judge is right. Maybe it will be good for you to be with a nice family while we get this all straightened out. I’m going to have to go to lots of meetings and stuff, and you’d have to stay at daycare or with a sitter. Maybe it’s best this way.” He couldn’t look them in the eye while he spouted things he didn’t believe for a minute.

  Beau folded his arms over his chest. “I’m not going.”

  Wade put a hand on Beau’s knee. “I’m sorry, buddy, but you don’t have a choice.”

  “Then I’ll run away.”

  “Beau…”

  The boy slithered out from under his touch and ran up the stairs. Wade let him go. He’d give him some time to cool off and talk to him later.

  He took Beau’s place on the couch between the girls and wrapped an arm around each one. “Do you guys understand what I’m telling you?”

  He felt their heads nod against him, and a giant lump rose in his throat. He pulled the girls close and swallowed hard. “No matter what happens, I love you guys, okay? You’ll always be my Lacey Daisy and my Dani Banany.”

  Ordinarily, the silly pet names would have produced a giggle, but now the girls just nodded harder against him.

  “You know that, don’t you? I couldn’t be more proud of you. And I couldn’t love you any more than I already do.”

  “I love you, too, Wade,” Dani whispered.

  “Me too,” Lacey echoed.

  “And hey, the judge said we can see each other sometimes. So you be thinking of all the stuff you want to tell me, okay?”

  “Is it gonna be a long, long time, Wade?”

  “I don’t know, Dani. I hope not.” He sighed and gave them one more squeeze. “You guys better get to bed now. I need to go talk to Beau.”

  They slid off the couch, and he scooped them into his arms and hoisted one over each shoulder. He carried them up the stairs, and for a fleeting moment, they recaptured the playful, familiar joy of their bedtime ritual. Wade tried to savor every second.

  He tucked the girls in, kissed each one goodnight, and turned out the light, forcing himself not to think about the fact that this might be the last time he would have the tender privilege to do these things.

  He went down the hall to Beau’s room. He was curled up in bed, facing the wall, his covers thrown off. Wade sat down on the bed beside him and put a hand on the slight shoulder. “Hey? Can we talk?”

  No response.

  “Beau, I know you don’t like this. Believe me, I don’t like it either. I hate it. I’d do anything to keep you with me. But this is one of those things we just have to accept. We can’t do anything about it, so we may as well make the best of it.”

  Beau drew his knees up closer to his chest and let out a breath.

  Wade waited for a response. “I need you to be strong for your sisters. They’re younger than you are and they probably don’t understand everything that’s happening. But you guys need to stick together. Lacey and Dani are going to depend on you to keep your chin up. Do you hear me?”

  Met with silence, he went on. “It’s not like we’ll never get to see each other, you know. We get t
o have a visit once every week or two, maybe even––”

  “Every week or two!” Beau scooted from under Wade’s hand, and sat up in bed with his back against the headboard. “I thought we were only going for a couple weeks?”

  “That…that’s not what I said, Beau. I said I didn’t know how long it would be. I hope it’ll only be a couple weeks, but the truth is, it probably takes longer than that to get stuff through the court system…for the judge to decide what’s best for all of you.”

  Wade reached out and squeezed Beau’s foot affectionately. “I…I want to tell you what I told the girls a while ago. I couldn’t be more proud of you. I’m going to miss you like crazy. I love you, buddy, and I’m going to––”

  “You don’t really mean that.” Beau narrowed his eyes. “You’re lying.”

  Wade drew back. “Of course I mean it.”

  “No you don’t!” he shouted. “If you really loved us you wouldn’t let them take us to that stupid foster home. You’d do something!”

  Wade let loose a weighty sigh. “Beau, there’s nothing else I can do. I hired a lawyer to try to keep this from happening. Do you know how much lawyers cost? I swear to you I did everything I knew to keep you with me. I don’t know how else to explain it.”

  “We don't swear,” Beau said in a monotone. They were his mama's words. Starr's words.

  “You're right,” Wade said, aching at the memory. “I'm sorry. But I did do everything I could. Do you believe that?”

  Beau scooted down and plopped on his back, arms under his head, staring at the ceiling.

  “We’ll talk about it some more in the morning, okay? You need to get to sleep now. I do love you, Beau. With all my heart.”

  It nearly broke him to walk out of the room. He had worked so hard to earn the boy’s confidence. Steadily, over the weeks, he’d been making ground, and now this. How many times could a kid’s trust be dashed before he just gave up?

  He checked on the girls one last time, then went down to get ready for bed.

  Twenty minutes later, lying on the sofa bed, sleep would not come. He relived every moment from the day Starr’s kids had come into his life. He smiled at the remembrance of Dani flipping his good cap into the spaghetti at the café.

  But his smile soon turned into a sob. “Oh, Starr,” he whispered into the darkness, “How did this all get so messed up, babe.”

  He hiccoughed and rolled over on his belly, burying his face in the lumpy pillow. He tried to pray, but no words would come––except the one that had become his desperate watchword over the past weeks: Help.

  Wade started awake and rolled over to look at the alarm clock. One o’clock in the morning. He sat up in bed, holding his breath, listening. He’d thought he’d heard a sound, but everything was quiet now. It must have been a dream. The air conditioner kicked on and its distant drone lulled him.

  All over again, the truth of what would happen in a few short hours punched him in the gut. A heaviness settled on his chest. He closed his eyes, praying sleep would rescue him.

  A crash from the vicinity of the kitchen brought him upright in bed again. Heart thudding, he climbed out of bed and peered out into the hallway. He crept through the living room, avoiding the spots on the floor that he knew would creak.

  The house was dark, but a bluish patch of light reflected off the floor in the kitchen. The light from the mercury lamp in the yard. The back door must be open.

  “Hey!” Wade hollered. “Who’s there?”

  The bang of the back screen door answered him.

  Shadow started barking. Frantically, Wade looked around for a weapon. Finding nothing, he ran through the kitchen and into the back entryway. The door was still swinging. Whoever it was, they were gone now. Heart in his throat, he raced back through the kitchen and took the stairs two at a time.

  He flipped the light on in the girls’ room. They both stirred beneath their quilts but settled in and slept on peacefully. Nothing seemed out of place in their room.

  He turned out the light and went down the hall to Beau’s room.

  The bed was empty except for the rumpled blankets. Beau’s pillow was on the floor.

  Wade flipped off the light and went down the hall to the bathroom. Empty. He ran back to Beau’s room, not turning on the light, peering out the window that overlooked the driveway. Shadow’s barking had stopped and everything was quiet outside.

  In the faint glow of the nightlight, Wade noticed that Beau’s dresser drawers were open, T-shirts and shorts spilling over the edges, as though he’d been searching for something.

  Wade started down the stairs. Maybe Beau had forgotten to feed Shadow again. Twice before, he’d discovered the boy outside late at night––though never this late––trying to take care of the forgotten chore before Wade found him out. He’d probably been too hard on the poor kid.

  He went out the front door onto the porch. Shadow didn’t come running as she usually did. Wade whistled and called for her. No response, but a movement out on the road that ran by the house caught his eye.

  Chapter 22

  Wade trotted out onto the driveway and stopped, squinting into the deep night shadows.

  A hundred yards down the road, a slight boy and a dog were silhouetted against the pale moonlit sky.

  He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted. “Beau!”

  The two figures moved faster. Beau appeared to be dragging something. Wade watched as the boy put a hand on Shadow’s head and turned briefly to look back at the house. Wade could make out the outline of a suitcase in his hand.

  “Beau! Wait!”

  Wade ran back into the house and hurriedly slipped on his jeans and a pair of tennis shoes that sat by the back door. Back in the heavy night air, he sprinted down the driveway and onto the road.

  Beau and Shadow had almost reached the crossroad, but they were no longer running. Out of breath, his chest aching, Wade finally caught up with them.

  Beau kept walking, but Shadow pranced joyfully around Wade, letting out little yips of pleasure at this nocturnal adventure.

  “Beau. Wait. Listen to me. Where are you going?”

  Shoulders slumping, Beau stopped in the road, refusing to look at Wade. “I don’t know.” His voice cracked.

  “Hey… Come here.” Wade went to his knees and pulled Beau into his arms. “Running away isn’t going to solve anything. Believe me, I’ve thought about it myself.”

  Beau pulled away and looked him in the eye. “Really?”

  Wade turned up the corners of his mouth in a dismal smile and nodded.

  “Where were you gonna go?”

  “I don’t know…same place you were, I guess.”

  Beau cocked his head, looking skeptical. “But what about us?”

  Wade wrestled with how much to say. Finally he sighed. “I would have taken you with me.”

  He struggled to his feet, and they stood together in the middle of the dirt road, listening to the night sounds.

  “You really would have run away?” Beau asked, his voice rising a pitch.

  “I really wanted to. I wanted to take you and Lacey and Dani and just go someplace where nobody would bother us anymore. I didn’t want to risk losing you. Not ever. But if I’d done that, Beau, I could have gone to jail. Do you understand?”

  Beau nodded, his lips pressed into a thin line.

  “It would have been like kidnapping. That’s why I’m letting them take you tomorrow. I want to obey the law. That way, when the judge says we can all be together again, we’ll never have to worry about losing each other again. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  Again, Beau nodded solemnly.

  “Come on back home,” Wade whispered, putting an arm around Beau’s shoulders and gently turning him toward the house. “It’ll be okay. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. Everything will work out okay.”

  In the dim cast of the summer moon, Beau looked up at him and searched his eyes. “Do you promise, Wade?”
<
br />   He swallowed hard and nodded. “I promise,” he whispered.

  A chorus of cicadas started up. Chirrup. Chirrup. Chirrup. For a few minutes, they stood side by side on the road, man and boy and dog.

  And as they walked back up to the house together, Wade pleaded with heaven not to make him a liar.

  Even in the light of morning, the whole thing seemed surreal. Wade fixed eggs and pancakes for breakfast, and the kids ate in silence. He didn’t trust himself to keep one bite down, so he stood by the stove and kept fresh pancakes frying on the griddle.

  “Can I have a bunny rabbit, Wade?” Dani asked.

  “I’ll see what I can do,” he said, a lump clogging his throat. He poured out a circle of pancake batter and, with a flourish of the bowl, attached two long blobs of batter to form ears.

  “Me too, Wade,” Lacey said over a mouthful of scrambled eggs. “I want a bunny rabbit too.”

  “Hang on, Lacey Daisy. There’s only room for one bunny on the griddle at a time.”

  “How about you, Beau. You feel like rabbit for breakfast?”

  Beau shook his head almost imperceptibly and sat silent, moving his eggs around on the plate with his fork.

  Wade looked at the clock. He had less than two hours left. A rising tide of panic caused him to lean on the counter and struggle for a breath deep enough to clear his head.

  He flipped Dani’s pancake and slid it onto her plate. He buttered it and helped her drizzle syrup over it. The sweet maple aroma seemed vile on this morning.

  Checking to make sure the stove was off, he wiped his hands on the dish towel. “You guys come on upstairs when you’re finished. I’m going to go up and––get your things ready. And don’t touch the griddle. It’s still pretty hot.”

  He went upstairs and dragged his big suitcase down from the top of the linen closet in the hall. Wade took it into the girls’ room and started pulling clothes from the dresser they shared. The sweet clothesline fresh scent of their things wafted up from the drawers, and he brought a neat pile of folded clothes to his face and breathed in, memorizing the fragrance.