Running Away

by Jen Andrews

  She was never there. Yet, she was everywhere in this house.

  I saw her in the kitchen cooking. I saw her lying beside me in our bed, and on the couch next to me as I stared blankly at the TV on the wall. As soon as I blinked, she was gone.

  I’d been drinking most of the day.

  Shit, I wouldn’t lie . . . I’d been drinking nearly every day for the last two weeks.

  I had ruined something so perfect and precious I was physically ill. I rolled to my side and pulled Teagan’s pillow close, breathing in the scent of her shampoo that was rapidly fading. It was all I had left of her. Her white pillowcase didn’t match the new black bedding I had bought after I ripped off the other set and set fire to it in my backyard fire pit. Results of another evening spent with my new best friend Patrón.

  I closed my eyes and drifted back into my self-induced tequila coma.

  Uncertain of exactly how much later it was, I was woken up by someone pounding on my front door. I ignored them because I didn’t want to see anyone. Whoever was at the door would get tired of waiting for me to answer and leave.

  Unless they had a fucking key.

  I heard voices in the living room now, and my sister called out for me. I didn’t answer. Please, go away.

  A moment later, Zoey stepped inside the room and I made eye contact with her. Again, with pity in her eyes.

  “Jeremy, please,” she begged. “You need to get up. It’s not healthy for you to keep doing this to yourself. What happened was not your fault.”

  Boy, she didn’t know how wrong she was. I rolled the other way on the bed so I didn’t have to see her because her gaze of pity had turned to sympathy.

  I didn’t deserve it.

  The mattress sunk down behind me as Zoey sat on the bed. In the next second, she was lying behind me, hugging me so tightly I didn’t know what to do other than apologize for upsetting her.

  “I’m so sorry, Jeremy,” she said. Then she got up from the bed and walked toward the doorway. “He’s in here. Do it.”

  I didn’t know who she was talking to, or what they planned on doing, but more people came in my room. The next thing I knew, Andy, Noah, and Jason were carrying me to the bathroom. Zoey turned on the water and the three assholes set me on my feet, and pushed me into the shower fully clothed. The water was freezing cold, but I didn’t care. I stood and let it rain over me.

  After a few minutes, I was shivering from the cold, but still, I stood there.

  “Jeremy Douglas James,” Zoey called from the other side of the shower curtain. “If you don’t take a proper shower and get rid of the awful fucking stench you’ve got going on, these three are going to strip your ass naked and help you. And I know you don’t want that.”

  A slight smile creased my face at the thought. Those fuckers would do it too.

  “Yes, Mother,” I muttered, turning the water to hot and stripping off my smelly work shirt. “Get the hell out of my bathroom. I promise not to drown myself.”

  The shower curtain moved quickly toward me, and someone from the other side of it punched me.

  “Don’t ever say that again, Jeremy,” Zoey growled.

  I can’t believe she just punched me.

  “You hit like a girl, Z,” I said, because that’s what I told her every time she hit me.

  “Screw you. I am a girl.” She punched me again. A lot harder this time, to get her point across.

  “Alright, alright, I’m shutting up. Now, get the fuck out of my bathroom. I am not showering with all of you in here.”

  The door closed and I was finally alone in my own bathroom. I pulled the rest of my wet clothes off and tossed them to the tile floor.

  Once I was clean and out of the shower, I felt a little better. I definitely smelled better.

  Apparently, wallowing in your own stench, along with wallowing in shame and misery, was a bad combination. Honestly, I didn’t remember when my last shower was.

  Gross.

  During my destruction mode, Sonny had dropped off tequila on my doorstep after I’d called and begged him to. He wouldn’t even come inside the house because somehow he’d found out about the Cammie incident. When I did eat, I’d called and had take-out delivered and had probably gained ten pounds from all the garbage I’d ingested.

  Once dressed, I pulled all the bedding from my bed, except Teagan’s pillowcase and tossed them in the washer.

  I found three of my four unwanted visitors in the living room watching TV. Zoey was in the kitchen doing something, so I poked my head through the doorway to see her cleaning out my fridge. She popped the lid off a plastic container, took a whiff of whatever was inside, gagged, and tossed the whole thing into the trash.

  Whatever, I didn’t care anymore.

  “Why are you here?” I asked nobody in particular, after sitting on the couch staring at the wall for almost an hour.

  Zoey came into the living room when she heard me talking. “We’re going out to dinner as a family for your birthday, Jeremy. You do realize it’s today, right?”

  No. I didn’t. I would rather forget about it and go back to bed. That reminded me that my sheets were still in the washer. Saying nothing, I left the room and put my sheets into the dryer. I would be going back to bed shortly, so I’d need them, even though I had several sets in the closet.

  As soon as I turned around to leave the laundry room, Andy blocked the doorway.

  “What?”

  “You need to get your shit together, brother,” Andy said.

  Well, considering I was a piece of shit, that should be a piece of cake, right?

  “My shit’s together, brother,” I said as I tried to squeeze between his body and the doorjamb.

  He blocked me and I glared at him. “What the fuck, man?”

  “Jeremy, you’re going to get your shit together and go out to dinner with your family. Then you’re going to eat the birthday cake your sister spent all morning baking and decorating for you. And you’re going to pretend to enjoy every bite of it. You feel me?”

  Well shit.

  Andy didn’t stop there. “You’re also going to meet your new niece Chloe tonight for the first time, since you didn’t go to the hospital when she was born.”

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

  I counted back and realized I’d missed the first six days of my niece’s life and I didn’t even know what she looked like. I gave Andy a curt nod.

  “Can you send Noah down here please? I need to speak to him.”

  Why don’t we add being a horrible brother, uncle, and all around general fuck up to the ever-growing reasons of why I hate myself? If not going to the hospital to see Jess and Chloe wasn’t bad enough, I just now learned my new niece’s name.

  There were three reasons why I hadn’t gone to the hospital when Jess went in to labor.

  One- Teagan

  Two- Cammie

  Three- I was a piece of shit

  I had been worried about running in to either one of them while I was there. Scared that the mere sight of me would cause Teagan more pain and angry enough that if I saw Cammie, I would do something to be arrested.

  “You wanted to see me?” Noah said from the doorway, breaking my train of thought.

  Swallowing hard, I stepped over to my brother and hugged him.

  “I’m sorry, Noah,” I said, my voice gravelly and remorseful. I expected him to push me away because he was pissed at me, but he did the exact opposite.

  He hugged me back.

  “I know.” He released me. “Jer, nobody is mad at you. I know you think that, but it’s not true. Nobody knows what to say to you, especially after you blew up at Z.”

  Guilt filled me again. “I shouldn’t have done that. And I should’ve been at the hospital when your baby girl was born. Can we go see her now?”

  Noah nodded and we rejoined the others in the living room. With more people to apologize to, I walked straight up to Jason. “Thanks for coming, bro. Sorry if I was being a dick at work and you had to take care
of my jobs.”

  “It’s all good,” he said, pulling me into a hug. He slapped me on the back a couple of times before releasing me.

  Next, I moved on to Zoey. She was a hugger, so I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed. Out of everyone in my family, I’d probably hurt her the most during the last two weeks and she hadn’t deserved one bit of it. “I’m sorry, Z. I know you were only trying to help, but I don’t know what I’m doing. My life is a mess.”

  Zoey nodded and I knew she understood exactly what I meant. “I know, Jer. We’ve all been where you are, and know how badly it hurts. I’m sorry I upset you the other day.”

  I released my sister and Andy was immediately at her side. He pushed her hair away from her face and they had one of their silent conversations. Zoey smiled and Andy pulled her in close, kissing the top of her head. He shot me a look and offered me his hand. I took it, knowing it was his way of letting me know we were good.

  I followed the four of them to Rico’s pizza where the rest of my family was waiting for us. I made my rounds, apologizing to everyone. I met my new niece, who was absolutely adorable, and my Sweet Pea showed me how she could now stand with her mom holding on to her hands.

  After we’d eaten dinner and cake, Zoey brought Hannah over to me. I cradled her against me, breathing in her sweet baby scent. I had missed her so much, and she instantly wrapped her tiny arms around my neck, snuggling into the crook.

  I swore her cuddling brought tears to my eyes. She let out a sigh and I didn’t know how, but this tiny girl, who was almost nine months old now, seemed like she knew how I felt and wanted to comfort me. I rubbed my hand up and down her back to soothe her until she fell asleep.

  Andy motioned for me to bring her over and I handed her off to him. He smiled down at her and kissed her cheek.

  Suddenly, it hit me that I may never find that for myself. And the mere thought of Teagan being pregnant because we hadn’t used protection made me want to vomit. I prayed that she wasn’t, because having my child after everything that had happened would only cause her more pain.

  I need a drink.

  Looking toward the small beer and wine bar, I considered going to get a pitcher of beer, when I spotted familiar, bouncing red curls in the distance. The air whooshed from my lungs, and within an instant, I was on my feet chasing after her before I even knew what I was doing.

  Why was I chasing after her when I wasn’t worthy of her?

  Because, I was out of my fucking mind in love with her and I needed to tell her how sorry I was.

  She entered the hallway that led to the restrooms, and I followed. Pausing outside the women’s restroom to gather my thoughts, I finally pushed open the door and slipped quietly inside.

  “Teagan?”

  She gasped from behind a bathroom stall and I knew I’d scared her.

  “Jeremy, is that you?”

  “Yes. I’m sorry for following you in here, but . . . I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

  She actually laughed, catching me off guard. “You realize you’re in the ladies room, right?”

  For the first time in two weeks, I laughed. “Yes, I’m aware.”

  “Jeremy, I don’t mean to sound rude, but I really need to pee and I can’t do it with you in here. Can you step outside?”

  Fuck no. There was a window in here, and if I knew her, she’d be jumping out of it as soon as I left the room. Thinking quickly, I turned on every faucet in the bathroom filling the space with the sounds of running water. “There, I can’t hear anything now.”

  Leaning against the wall, I waited for her. She came out of the stall eventually and my heart clutched in my chest at the sight of her. She was dressed up and looked beautiful.

  She stepped over to the row of sinks and shut off all the faucets except for one. After she washed her hands, she turned to face me. Her eyes shot to my right, and I realized I was leaning on the paper towel dispenser. I righted myself, pulled several towels out, and handed them to her.

  “Thank you,” she said quietly, staring up at me.

  Her eyes were tired and she looked unhappy. But, she was still the most beautiful creature to walk on this Earth.

  “You look like shit, Jeremy.”

  That comment should have hurt, but it didn’t. She was right. “That’s because I am shit.”

  The look on her face was sad and bewildered by what I’d said. Teagan tossed the paper towels into the trashcan and inched closer to me. Her hand came up to my face so fast I closed my eyes and prepared for the slap I deserved.

  I would gladly take it and a thousand more, if that was what it took for her to show me how much she hated me.

  The slap didn’t come.

  Instead, she placed both of her hands on my face. My arms quickly reached around her, pulling her close to me. She draped her arms around my neck and pressed her cheek on my chest, and in an instant, I was in heaven.

  “I’m so sorry, Teagan. I didn’t know it was her, I swear to you—on my life—I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I’m sorry I never told you I love you, because I do. I love you so much, and I know everything is screwed up—”

  She jerked away from me, her eyes filled with tears. They were my undoing. I couldn’t stand to see them so I forced myself to look away.

  “It still doesn’t change anything, though,” she whispered.

  My eyes met hers again and I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. To my surprise, she rose up on her toes and brushed a kiss across my lips.

  “I need to go, Jeremy. I’m here with someone, and I should get back,” she said.

  Oh God, she’s here with someone? A date? It’s not your business, asshole. You ruined everything . . .

  Stepping aside, I let her pass and she walked out the door and out of my life again.

  My body went numb and what was left of my heart crumbled. I exited the restroom and headed out the restaurant door to my car. I didn’t tell anyone in my family I was leaving, I just left and drove straight to the bar.

  By last call, I had drowned my sorrows with tequila and brushed off every woman who had attempted to speak to me. I vaguely remembered responding to one of Zoey’s phone calls asking where I was, so I wouldn’t worry her.

  “Jeremy,” Sam, the bartender, said from across the bar. “I called you a taxi but they won’t be here for thirty minutes. You gonna be alright waiting for it outside?”

  “Yeah. Thanks, Sam,” I mumbled as I crammed my phone and car keys into the pocket of my shorts. I wasn’t in any condition to be driving anywhere and I knew it, so I went outside and leaned up against the building to wait for the taxi.

  I didn’t wait outside for long before I nearly froze my ass off, dressed in shorts and a T-shirt in the middle of November. Fucking moron. I decided to sit in my car to wait for the taxi because I was so cold. I fired up my car and turned on the heater full blast. Once I started to warm up, I leaned my head on the headrest and closed my eyes for just a minute.

  Unfortunately, I dozed off and was woken up by someone tapping on my window. Looking over, I was blinded by a flashlight shining through the glass and the bright flashing of red and blue lights in front of my car.

  Fuck me.

  Thirty minutes later, I sat cuffed in the back of a cop car on my way to jail for DUI. Even though I hadn’t been driving, I’d still been arrested. Apparently, sitting in your car with the motor running while being drunk, was not legal.

  Who knew?

  The humor of it all was I’d been freaking delirious and unable to stop laughing during the entire episode. Tears had been dripping down my face, and I hadn’t been able to wipe them away because my hands were cuffed behind my back.

  First off, the cop on the passenger side of the car had been a dick. He’d already accused me of being a drug dealer because I drove an expensive car. Next, he’d called me a “spic” because I “look like a Mexican.” No shit, I am Mexican. He went from calling me a spic to renaming me Jose.

  It hadn’t ended t
here. Apparently, I’d left my wallet inside the bar, because I hadn’t been able to find it. So what had I done? Because he was being a total douchebag and I really had nothing more to lose, I’d fucked with him right back.

  Yeah, I’d called him a pig. He’d asked me my name and what had popped out of my mouth?

  Frank Sinatra.

  Next, they’d located my car registration in my glove box and had seen my real name on it. They’d found it unbelievable because I was a spic, and the name on the registration wasn’t Mexican. The business cards I carried in my car for James Racing also indicated that I was, in fact, a business owner, and not a drug dealer.

  So then, they’d assumed the car was stolen and hadn’t been reported yet. They’d impounded my baby and the last time I’d seen her, she was being pulled onto the back of a tow truck.

  Now, Douchebag cop on the passenger side dug through the bag that held my personal belongings and pulled out my cell.

  “Let’s see what we have here, Jose,” he said, sounding exactly like Lieutenant Jim-fucking-Dangle from the show Reno 911.

  My laughing stopped and I sobered right up when he asked, “Do you know you’ve missed sixteen texts, Jose?” He scrolled through my phone, reading off the names. “Zoey, Andy, Mom, My beloved, Noah. Whoa, what was that? My beloved?” He turned in his seat and smirked at me. “This ought to be good.”

  Fuck! Teagan texted me?

  He read her text to me. “Where are you? I came by your house and you weren’t there. I’ve thought about it since we ran in to each other earlier, and I think I’m ready to talk. Can you meet me?”

  Fuck my life.

  I glared through the cage separating the front and back seats. That dirty motherfucker was typing out a response to her. “What the hell are you doing?” I yelled, struggling against my restraints.

  He laughed and read to me what he’d typed. “Sorry, can’t meet. With someone. Go fuck yourself.” My phone made the swooshing sound when the fucker sent her the message.

  I leaned over onto my side and kicked the back of his seat as hard as I could. “You fucking prick! You have no idea what you’ve just done!”