Running Away

by Jen Andrews

  “Jeremy, are you okay?” Zoey asked, concern dancing in her blue eyes.

  Hell no. I’m not okay. I am miserable. I can’t sleep and I can’t believe Teagan still needs time.

  “Yeah, I’m good. Still trying to wake up, that’s all.”

  She didn’t believe me, but she didn’t push. We’d come to an understanding now about her getting on my case regarding Teagan.

  “I’m gonna go, I guess. I’ve got shit to do.” The lie fell easily from my mouth. I didn’t have jack shit to do. Not until tonight, anyway.

  After helping Z off the floor, I stood to leave. “Jay and Heather said they’d be back by four with Sweet Pea.”

  Still getting the impression that I had done something wrong by not calling them, I apologized again. Why am I constantly apologizing to everyone? Am I that much of a fuck up?

  “Jeremy, it’s okay. We freaked out when we went in to see her, and she wasn’t in her crib like we were expecting.”

  “Sorry I fell asleep, Z. I’m so tired all the time because I can’t sleep at night.”

  She nodded like she understood and hugged me. While she held on to me, she whispered, “Maybe you should see a doctor, Jer, and get a prescription for sleeping pills or something.”

  I pulled away from my sister and stared down at her because of the way she said the word something. “What do you mean?”

  She hesitated, and I knew I wouldn’t like what she was going to say. “Do you think you need an anti-depressant?”

  Shit, no. What I needed was for time to pass a hell of a lot faster. “I’m fine, Z. I just really need to sleep.”

  “Why don’t you take a vacation?”

  That actually made me laugh. Who was I going to take a vacation with?

  In the past three months, my friendships with Eric and John had become strained since Sonny had told them he was gay and seeing Reese. I backed Sonny one hundred percent and because of that, John and Eric, who weren’t thrilled with Sonny’s news, had stopped asking Sonny to hang out with us. I’d distanced myself from them because if they wanted to be dicks about it, I wanted no part of it.

  “Yeah, Z, I’ll think about it. Maybe once we’re not so busy at the shop,” I said to placate her.

  After I left Andy and Zoey’s, I began my drive home.

  Home. What a joke.

  I resided there, but I sure as fuck didn’t live there.

  On the drive home, I thought about all that had happened since the night I’d finally spoken with Teagan at Dub’s. She told me she’d call when she was ready . . . and she had. It had taken her until after the new year, but she’d called. We’d decided to do the dating thing, which was what we should have done from the beginning, not move in together. Not that her moving in had been planned—she’d just never left after Reese moved into the apartment they were supposed to share.

  Because I’d been thinking with the brain in my pants and not the brain in my head, I’d fucked up . . . again. And because of it, Teagan and I hadn’t spoken in a month. Up until then, things had been going great. We’d go on dates to Dub’s for fight night, and we’d texted or talked to each other daily.

  But one night, it changed.

  Teagan had come over to my house for the first time since the Cammie mess after the Halloween party. I’d cooked her dinner, and one thing had led to another. With her legs wrapped around me, I’d carried her down the hallway toward my bedroom. Being far too long since we’d been together, neither of us was thinking properly as we kissed all the way to my room.

  Had I not been so consumed by her at the moment, I would have known the huge mistake I’d made by taking her to that bedroom. I tossed her onto the bed and she playfully scooted up against the headboard. Standing at the end of the bed, I pulled my shirt over my head and said, “Teagan, what are you doing over there?”

  The happy, playful expression disappeared from her beautiful face and morphed in to heartache.

  When I realized the question I’d asked her was the exact same question I’d asked her the night she found Cammie with me in bed, I’d felt like the biggest prick in the world. Apologizing profusely, I’d gone to her, but she’d pushed me away and ran from the room crying. I followed her to talk about it, but as she’d walked out my door, yet again, she’d said she needed more time.

  Time. She was the cruelest bitch I knew. She made the days pass achingly slow. Time didn’t ease the pain—she only made it worse. She caused sleepless nights to last far longer than they should. The time for me was almost up. I couldn’t wait much longer for Teagan because it hurt too much.

  If she didn’t make a decision soon about us, I would need to try and move on. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself, and if she couldn’t get past what had happened and come back to me, then she needed to move on as well. Zoey was right. Living like this wasn’t healthy.

  When I got home, I left my car in the driveway so I’d have extra space to work on the Chevelle. I’d started the project in December to keep busy now that I lived alone.

  Repairing the Chevelle was my way of coping. My life was at a standstill and broken just like that car. As I had taken it apart, the guilt that had consumed me since November finally ebbed, and my need to fix the car had flowed. Almost as if I needed to repair it while I worked on getting myself back together.

  Rob had smashed the ever-loving shit out of the car, so the body panels were pretty much fucked. He was a crazy bastard, but I could see how smashing the hell out of something might ease the pain for a short time. I’d considered doing the same thing, many times.

  Now, I unbolted the seats Rob had shredded with a knife and set them aside to take them to be reupholstered on Monday. The carpet was full of burn holes and God knew what stained it. Not about to touch it with my bare hands, I pulled on a pair of rubber gloves and peeled the carpet out of the car. Laying it flat on the concrete where my car normally sat inside the garage, I rolled it up so I could take it to the shop and throw it away. As soon as I let go, the carpet unrolled itself.

  Whatever had been spilled on it had stiffened it so it wouldn’t stay rolled. Duct tape was in order for this job. If it could bind Adam to a beam for over an hour, it could keep the carpet rolled up. I popped the top of my toolbox open, and came face to face with one of the photos I’d taken from my toolbox at the shop—the picture Zoey snapped of Teagan and me sitting across the dinner table from her.

  Seeing it hurt and pissed me off.

  After slamming the lid shut, I pulled each drawer open trying to find a roll of duct tape. I searched my messy workbench too. I lifted up a box, finally finding the elusive roll of tape sitting right next to my crowbar.

  Glancing between the two items, I knew I should be picking up the tape, but instead, I picked up the crowbar. The cold metal was heavy in my hands as I gripped it tightly.

  Without thinking, I walked over to the already mangled Chevelle, and raised the crowbar into the air to take a swing. I couldn’t do it. Instead, I went back to work on the car because I knew taking my anger out on the car wouldn’t do any good.

  After I wound duct tape around the carpet, I smirked when I realized it looked like a body wrapped in a rug. I thought of what would happen if I were pulled over by the cops while it was in the back of the shop truck. Officer Douchebag would love seeing that.

  After what felt like hours of work, I glanced up at the clock on the wall, checking the time.

  Fuck, there she was again.

  Time.

  I pulled my cell out of my pocket and made the same call that I did every Saturday around this time.

  “Hey, Jer,” the cheerful female voice said when she answered.

  “Hey you, just checking to see if we’re still on for tonight.” I prayed she was going to say yes.

  “Absolutely. See ya around ten?”

  “Yep. Same place?” I asked, knowing she understood my piss poor joke.

  She laughed. I knew she was worried about me, yet she was the only person I could fully count
on right now. I felt like everyone else was judging me.

  “I’ll see you at ten.”

  “See you later, Nic.”

  Right on time, I sat down on my usual barstool at Sam’s bar, my old stomping grounds. Sam poured me two shots of tequila.

  “First two are on the house.” He set them on the bar in front of me.

  “Thanks, man,” I said before he walked off to help a customer at the other end of the bar.

  Glancing around the room, I didn’t see Nicole anywhere, but I knew she was here because she worked here. Every Saturday for the last month, after Teagan had run away from me once again, I’d been meeting her after she got off work.

  After running in to Nic on Halloween, I’d told Zoey about how well she was doing and that Teagan seemed cool with her. Zoey hadn’t approved, of course, but she’d said if Teagan was okay with Nic and I being friends, she had nothing to say about it. Whether she felt that way now that Teagan was out of the picture, I didn’t know because I hadn’t asked.

  Something brushed against my arm then Nicole kissed my cheek. “You made it.” She took a seat on the barstool next to me.

  “I was beginning to think you were going to stand me up,” I said with a smile.

  Sam came over and dropped off a Coke for Nicole. She stood on the rungs of her barstool and leaned over the bar to give Sam a kiss.

  “Thanks, baby,” she said.

  “My pleasure, gorgeous.” He shot her the smile of a man in love.

  Nicole and I had been going to Sam’s bar for years, but she and Sam had never really talked aside from small talk when she’d ordered something at the bar. When Nic had applied for a job at the bar last summer, she and Sam had hit it off and had been together for a few months now.

  She’d been clean from meth for over a year and had completely turned her life around. I was so damn proud of her. She was healthy, happy, and had really changed her life for the better.

  Nic and I sat the rest of the night watching a game on the TV that hung on the wall behind the bar. I swallowed shot after shot of tequila, while Nicole stayed sober so she could drive me home later.

  After last call, I handed my keys over to Nicole and she drove me home in my car while Sam shut down the bar. Once he was finished, he would pick her up at my house. Nicole always made sure I had arrived home safely and made a joke of actually tucking me into bed.

  Once we arrived at my house, Nic wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled one of my arms over her shoulders to help me inside, since I’d had a few more drinks than normal.

  She flipped on the light in the kitchen to see where she was going. When we passed by the dimly lit living room, Nic stopped walking abruptly. I wasn’t paying attention and kept walking, almost pulling her over.

  We fumbled around briefly before I finally righted myself. “Sorry, Nic—”

  “Jeremy, you have a visitor.”

  I glanced over at the couch and saw the vision of my pretty girl sitting there. “She’s not real, Nic,” I slurred. “If you blink a couple times and wipe away the blurriness, she’ll go away. She always fucking does.”

  Nic released me and I shuffled down the hallway to the bathroom. As I shut the door, I swore I heard Nicole talking to herself. Great, now this place was making her crazy too.

  Once I was finished in the bathroom, I stripped down and fell into bed. Nic came into the guest room and handed me a glass of water and three ibuprofens.

  “Take these. You know the drill,” she said as I took the glass and pills from her hands.

  I tossed the pills in my mouth and drank the entire glass of water. “Thanks again, Nic. You’re a good friend,” I mumbled as my head hit the pillow. She covered me up and ruffled my hair. A few seconds later, the room went dark.

  Late the next morning, I woke after having crazy-ass dreams of Teagan. I dreamt that she came into my room and slipped in bed behind me. She laid close, resting her cheek against mine, holding me tight. The dream was so real I could feel the tears dropping from her cheeks to mine.

  In the dream, she told me how much she loved me, but had come to the decision to let me go. She said I shouldn’t have to wait for her, and I needed to move on.

  Dragging my ass out of bed, I went on my run around the neighborhood. I purposely skipped the street where Teagan’s parents lived. On occasion, I ran by there, only to be stopped by either her mom or dad to talk. I hadn’t been down their street since the last time Teagan had run out on me.

  Once I was home from my run, I ate breakfast and went to the garage to work on the Chevelle. Later that day, I drove over to the shop and parked my car inside, then drove one of the shop trucks over to my parents’ house for the Sunday family dinner. I would load up the Chevelle seats and everything I needed to throw in the dumpster, and take it in to work with me tomorrow.

  I played a few games of poker with my dad and brothers, losing my ass as usual. I didn’t know why I bothered playing, honestly. I sucked at poker. Tired of losing money, I went and found my Sweet Pea. We sat in the middle of the living room floor and I helped her stand. Keeping hold of her hands, I backed away, encouraging her to walk to me.

  Each time I backed away from her a little bit, Hannah became more confident and adventuresome. She’d even let go of my hands at one point to stand on her own with no support of any kind.

  “Come see me, Sweet Pea.” I held my hands out to her. She appeared unsure, but slowly took a wobbly step toward me.

  Naturally, I got excited, but she dropped down on her butt before I could call my sister and Andy in to watch. I picked her back up and told her what a good job she did as I cradled her close.

  “Zoey, Andy, come watch this,” I called out to them.

  They came in from the dining room, and Sweet Pea and I gave them a repeat performance of her taking a step on her own.

  Z went a little overboard and started clapping. “Hannah. Look at you.”

  Zoey startled Hannah. She fell back down on her butt and started crying.

  “It’s okay, sweet girl,” I said, picking her up and setting her back on her tiny feet. “She didn’t mean to scare you.”

  Zoey came and sat on the floor and tried to get Hannah to walk to her, but she wasn’t having any of it. All she wanted to do now was sit on my lap and pull my hair.

  When my mom yelled for us to come and eat, we sat down in the dining room for dinner. Noah sat next to me and put a beer next to my plate. “No thanks, bro. I’m not drinking today,” I said, as I cut into my piece of chicken.

  “Today?” Noah asked. “What, you have certain days you drink now?”

  Yes, as a matter of fact. “I don’t want it, that’s all, but thank you for bringing it to me.”

  “You probably had enough last night anyway,” Adam chimed in from across the table. “You look hung over.”

  Here we go again. This is why I don’t tell anyone anything.

  “Have you talked to Teagan?” Adam asked.

  “Adam, stop,” Zoey said.

  “Why? He’s being stupid,” Adam said.

  “You know what? Go to hell, Adam. You don’t have any clue what’s going on with me, so don’t pretend like you do,” I said, getting more pissed off by the second.

  “He’s right, Jeremy,” Andy said quietly.

  Andy didn’t usually speak up when it came to issues or any drama within the family, so I turned my head to look at him.

  “Please,” I said, glaring at my brother in law. “Please, tell me how I’m a total fuck up. How I’m doing everything wrong—as if I didn’t already know.” I couldn’t give a shit about his answer so I went back to my dinner.

  “Someone once told me what a coward I was being Jeremy. Open your eyes and real—”

  The loud clatter of Zoey’s fork dropping from her hand to her plate stopped Andy from finishing his sentence.

  Now I was irate and feeling very singled out. Every person in this room knew what had happened and blamed me for Teagan’s absence.

&
nbsp; “She doesn’t want me! Don’t you get that?”

  “When was the last time you talked to her?” Andy asked.

  Fuck this. I am done with this shit. “It’s none of your damn bus—”

  “Enough!” Zoey yelled. She was sitting between Andy and me so she was right in the middle of the argument.

  She stood and pushed her chair away from the table.

  I was about to lose it, so I needed to go. “I’m outta here.” I tossed my napkin onto my plate and glanced around the table making eye contact with everyone who hadn’t started shit with me. “Sorry for ruining your dinner.”

  “Mijo,” my mom said. “Please don’t go. We’re just worried about you.”

  “Sorry, but I really need to leave. Everyone’s uncomfortable now, and I’m done talking about Teagan. She doesn’t want me. What is, or isn’t going on with us is my business, and nobody else’s. I would appreciate it if everyone kept their opinions to themselves from now on where she’s concerned. It’s like you think this is my choice, but it’s not. If I had my choice, she’d be sitting right here next to me, but as you can see . . . she’s not. I don’t know what the hell you expect me to do about it.”

  Jesus, I didn’t think I’d spoken that many words in a row in months.

  Looking around the table again and seeing the way my family was looking at me only made me feel worse. “Goodnight.” I turned and walked out of the dining room.

  As I turned the knob to open the front door, Zoey called my name.

  “Not now, Z,” I said, without turning around to look at her. I pulled the door open and slammed it shut after I was outside.

  Once I was inside the truck, I sat in silence trying to calm down. Remembering that I had added a bunch of new music to my iPod while Hannah was napping the day before, I plugged it in. Zoey usually took care of updating my music, so I honestly had no idea what I had been downloading when I’d connected my iPod to her computer.

  With her musical ADD, who knew what I was going to be listening to. I scrolled through her playlists, which had very blunt yet appropriate names. When I came across a playlist titled “songs to cry to,” I let out a huff and pressed the play button.