William shook his head. “Don’t,” he said quietly. “Andy is a strong lad, in his mind and in his heart. He’ll do well in life. You must have faith.”
Scott wasn’t sure if he did, but he nodded anyway. William was philosophical in his old age so he essentially humored him. It would do no good to argue. Not that he wanted to, but he was hoping this wasn’t the beginning of some de Wolfe curse. First Athena, now Lily…
And the nightmare that he had to go through all over again with Will.
He hoped, this time, that he was strong enough to bear it.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Carlisle Castle
He had to wait until everyone was out of the keep.
At least, he had to wait until Adria was out. Atticus didn’t matter so much and, of course, he had to make sure Will was far away.
At the moment, it was a perfect storm of those factors.
He’d been watching the keep under the guise of supervising the sentries on the wall walk, which was his usual task, but he’d been watching the keep closely. The truth was that very few people went into the keep who were not invited, or part of the family, or servants because the keep only housed Will, Lily, Adria, and Atticus, so it wasn’t a busy place. Not even the smaller great hall was much used. The bustle and business at Carlisle took place in the larger great hall, the outbuildings, and mostly in the outer bailey and gatehouse, so the keep, oddly enough, was a quiet place.
But that was a good thing where he was concerned.
He’d been speaking to a new soldier on the wall, a young man who had just come in from the country to pledge his oath in exchange for food, training, and a roof over his head when he saw Adria and Atticus come out of the keep.
That had his attention.
He already knew that Will was in the stable this morning with a new Belgian charger that was having trouble with its hooves and with Adria and Atticus leaving the keep, although Atticus was running away screaming as Adria chased him, he knew that Lily would be alone.
Quickly, he came off the wall and headed towards the keep.
No one was paying any attention to him. No one ever did; that was the beauty of it. A knight in the service of Will, a bold and brave man who was in the chain of command and no one would pay any attention to him anywhere in the castle. Seeing him cross the bailey was completely normal. Seeing him go into the inner bailey was also completely natural. Even seeing him enter the keep was natural.
He knew no one would question him.
They never had.
The keep, as he’d known, was empty. He didn’t even see a servant. It was dark, mostly, as he bolted up the stairwell that was next to Will’s solar. The stairs were wide and shallow, easy to navigate, as he made his way to the chamber on the upper floor. There was a small landing and a door, and he knew the door would be unlocked.
Quietly, he rapped on the panel before opening it.
The lavish chamber spread out before him.
“Lily?” he said softly.
He saw something stir on the bed. Lily’s head suddenly lifted, her eyes wide when she saw who it was.
“Marcellus,” she breathed. “I was wondering when you would come. Where is Will?”
Marcellus came into the chamber, over to the bed where she was struggling to sit up. “In the stable,” he said softly, reaching out to pull her into a sitting position. “Adria is chasing Atticus all over the outer ward and I do not expect to see her any time soon. For the moment, we are alone.”
Lily looked up at him, those words sinking in. This was the time she lived for, the moments when it was just the two of them.
Her eyes filled with tears.
“Oh, Marcellus,” she whispered, crumbling. “Something awful has happened.”
Marcellus put his arms around her as he sat on the edge of the bed, pulling her close. He knew exactly what she meant. He’d had his time to weep, and he had done so copiously. Now wasn’t the time to put his weakness on display. That wasn’t his right.
He had to be strong for Lily.
“I know,” he said, holding her tightly. “Will told me.”
She sniffled. “What did he tell you?”
“Only that there was a fatal issue.”
“But no more?”
“Nay. Tell me what is happening.”
Lily wept softly. “You know that I fell in the mud last month,” she said. “I’ve been having pain and… blood. I’ve not felt normal in the least, although I’ve told Will that I did. I’ve told everyone that I did, but the truth was that I did not. I’ve been feeling terrible but unwilling to let anyone know. I hoped it would simply go away. But Will had Tarraby examine me and he has told me that my fall caused the nourishment sack that attaches the child to the womb to pull away. With the nourishment being cut off, the child is slowly dying and I am dying right along with him. There is nothing to be done.”
Marcellus drew in a long, steadying breath. Things made more sense but his devastation was magnified. Now that he knew the truth, he was struggling desperately to remain composed.
It was worse than he could have ever imagined.
“That cannot be possible,” he said quietly. “I do not believe you cannot be helped.”
She wiped at her face. “Our choices are morbid,” she said. “There is a possibility of saving the child if Tarraby cuts into me and takes him by force, but I will most certainly perish. Or, we can do nothing and the child will die a slow death and I along with him. Birth will not save him or me.”
“But we cannot know that for certain – can we?”
“The only way to find out if Tarraby is right is to let the situation end naturally when I give birth,” Lily said. “If I wait that long to see if he was correct in his diagnosis, it will be too late for me and too late for the child. I do not want to lose your child, Marcellus. I will sacrifice my life gladly if it will save him.”
Those words hung in the air between them as the truth was spoken.
I do not want to lose your child.
Marcellus sighed faintly.
“’Tis a brutal, cold choice,” he said. “Is Tarraby very sure this is the case?”
“Will seems to think so. He believes him. Do you?”
Marcellus grunted. “Tarraby is the most skilled physic I have ever seen,” he said. “I suppose I do not doubt him, but this is something… I simply cannot believe it.”
Because he was calm, Lily was calming, but she was still holding him with a death grip. “I do not wish to believe it, either,” she said. “I do not want to die, but I do not want our son to die.”
She was wiping the tears from her face with one hand as he gave her a squeeze, kissing the top of her head. He lay his cheek against her head.
“God, what a mess,” he muttered. “A horrible, shocking mess.”
“I know.”
He fell silent, pondering fate and karma and God as having a hand in all of this. Surely they were being judged somehow, judged for the sin they had committed. When he spoke again, his voice was raspy.
“Mayhap this is punishment for our sins,” he murmured. “The sin of loving a woman who is another man’s wife. The sin of already having a child together and now, a second child. God can forgive one child, mayhap, but not two. Mayhap this is our punishment.”
Lily closed her eyes, snuggling against him, drawing strength from the regular thump, thump of his heartbeat in her ear.
“I would like to believe that God is a merciful God,” she whispered. “I would like to believe He is an understanding God. He understands that I was forced into marriage with Will because of my father. He understands that I have loved you since nearly the day I met you at Lioncross Abbey those years ago. He understands that we have a love that has never been broken.”
“It is still a sin.”
“But God created love, Marcellus,” she insisted. “You were the man I should have married, but my father would not hear of it. A de Wolfe husband was far better than a mere knight, no matt
er how I felt about it. No matter how much you begged him for my hand.”
Marcellus thought of those days when he’d spent several evenings on his knees in Chris de Lohr’s solar, begging the man to permit him to marry his daughter. It had been a horrible, emotional time for him. Chris hadn’t been unsympathetic, but he’d wanted a better husband for his only daughter. A de Wolfe husband, a man who could provide her with wealth and prestige.
It had been one of the more horrific times in Marcellus’ life.
“He would not be swayed,” he said softly. “My humble but noble birth could not compare to a de Wolfe. I understand that, but it took… time. I’m surprised he never told Will about me, though. I suppose he thought it would cause trouble in the knightly ranks.”
“I know,” Lily said softly. “It wasn’t as if you made your quest for me obvious, either. You were very discreet.”
“Out of respect for you and your family,” he said. “There’s nothing worse than a knight openly drooling over his liege’s daughter. I’ve seen that happen before and it’s disgraceful.”
A smile flickered on Lily’s lips. “You never did that,” she said. “You were always quite mannerly. It only made me love you more.”
He gave her a gentle squeeze. “It seems so long ago now,” he said. “Those days at Lioncross before you married Will. But I never stopped loving you, not ever. Your father must have never guessed because he sent me north with Will when he took command of Carlisle.”
“You and Will were friends,” she said simply. “All of these years, you have been friends, but somehow, I wonder if my father knew you still loved me and that I loved you. Although I am glad you came north with us, if he suspected our feelings for one another had never died, I should think that he would have sent you to the far reaches of the earth.”
Marcellus leaned back against the bed post, Lily still gathered up against his torso. “All I can say is that I am grateful he did not.”
Lily didn’t say anything for a moment, relishing the feel of him against her. “As am I,” she said. “But Will still has not realized the situation between you and I after all of these years. It is true that our marriage is simply a polite association, so mayhap he does know and he simply doesn’t care, but I do not think so. Mayhap he just chooses not to see it.”
“We have been very careful,” Marcellus said. “Unfortunately, Atticus is starting to look more and more like me, so there may come a time when suspicions will be raised. And now with this child, I fear it will only be a matter of time before Will figures out the truth for himself.”
Lily put a hand on her belly, rubbing at it as Marcellus put his big hand over hers, feeling the life they had created together, a child who would bear the name of another man, another family.
Marcellus had long gotten over the bitterness of it.
As the man in the wrong, he couldn’t afford to be bitter.
“If he has not realized it by now, then it’s possible he never will,” she murmured. “We have covered our movements well. When I realized that I was pregnant with Atticus, I made sure that Will did his husbandly duty as to make him believe the child was his. I did the same thing with this child. He will not bed me unless I ask him to, you know. Otherwise, he stays well clear.”
“You have told me that,” he said. “I still find that odd. He does not assert himself?”
“Nay,” Lily said, shaking her head. “He has not in years. He views it as a duty, as do I, but I will admit that I have felt guilty letting him believe that Atticus and this child are his, but it would be worse if he knew they were not.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because the man’s pride should be left intact,” she said. “He did not ask for this union anymore than I did, but when I realized I was pregnant and asked him to share my bed… in a sense, I am protecting the de Wolfe reputation. I know it sounds so very strange to say that, but it is true.”
Marcellus squeezed her gently. “It does not sound strange,” he said. “You cannot help that you love another man, but to protect Will the way you have is noble, Lil. You may love me, but you do not want him publicly shamed.”
She sighed heavily. “I do not,” she said. “I never did. He is a good man. He does not deserve to be shamed, but I cannot help that I do not love him. We are simply making the best of a bad situation.”
Marcellus knew that. He never once looked at Will with jealousy or scorn. In fact, quite the opposite. He respected Will tremendously, but he was in a difficult situation just as they all were. The only thing he and Lily were guilty of was dishonesty, only because telling the truth wouldn’t solve the problem. It would only make it worse and there was a large part of them that didn’t want to hurt Will in a situation of Chris de Lohr’s making.
It wasn’t as if they could do anything about it.
“If this child is born looking just like me, I fear we may find ourselves in a bind,” he said after a moment. “We may not wish to shame Will, but we would be insulting him if he figures out that something is going on between us and we do not tell him everything.”
“Mayhap,” Lily said slowly. But her thoughts were shifting from Will back to the situation at hand as she felt the need to flesh it out further. “Marcellus, now that you know what Tarraby has said, what are your feelings on the matter? It feels so strange to speak of this so calmly, but I cannot help it. It is something we must face and mayhap a large part of me is still in shock, still thinking that Tarraby is mistaken. But if he is not… what do you want me to do?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean do you want me to try and save the child?”
Marcellus was starting to tense up again. They were speaking of Lily’s life now, and the life of his child. He’d come into the chamber shaken, had calmed somewhat with the ensuing conversation, and now he was feeling shaken all over again. He still couldn’t believe they were speaking of life and death – Lily’s. Her pregnancies were always easy and she delivered quickly, so this complication was a definitive shock.
By all convention, he had no rights in this matter.
But she was asking him just the same.
“What does Will say?” he asked quietly.
Feeling weak and exhausted, Lily was boneless against him. “I will tell you what I told him,” she said. “I can feel this child moving in my belly daily. To know he is slowly dying is more horrifying than you can imagine. As his mother, I cannot stand by and do nothing. If I must sacrifice my life to save him, I will do so gladly. Not because I am some great martyr, but because I want my child to live.”
He looked down at her, pain in his eyes. After a moment, he closed them and looked away. “Is this really happening?” he muttered. “Are we really having this conversation?”
Lily could hear the anguish in his voice, the pain of a man unable to do anything for the woman he loved. She craned her neck back, gazing up at him.
“Let me be clear,” she whispered, the tears starting to form. “I do not want to leave you. I had always hoped… hoped we would be with each other into old age, but it would seem that God has other plans for me. Tarraby believes there is no hope for me no matter what, so if I agree to let him remove the child early, at least the child will have a chance at life. It gives me no great pleasure to know that his life will mean my demise, but I cannot stand the thought of him not being able to live his life. It does not seem fair.”
She was being so calm about it except for the tears glistening in her eyes. That told him how brave she was being. Her tears triggered his and, soon, his eyes were filling with tears also.
“It is not fair,” he said hoarsely. “And it is my fault.”
“What do you mean?”
“Because I planted my seed in you. Had I not done that, we would not be facing this moment.”
Lily pushed herself up and looked at him. “I forbid you to feel guilty for this,” she said sternly. “As I recall, I was a willing participant, so this is not your fault.”
It was agony.
“My sweet Lily,” he whispered, lower lip trembling. “What am I going to do without you?”
Lily was starting to crumble because he was, but she fought it. “Then you want me to save the child? I want to do it sooner rather than later. Time is slipping away and every day that I delay is a day that his life slips from him.”
She was trying so hard to sound logical about a situation where there was no logic. Only feeling. She was trying to be reasonable and unselfish, as if this were happening to someone else and not her. It was the only way she could get through it, something no woman should ever have to face. Marcellus understood that but it was still difficult to hear.
“I want you to do what you feel is best,” he said hoarsely. “This is your life and no one else’s.”
Lily looked at him, knowing that Will’s response would probably be the same thing. He would leave it up to her.
She already knew what she had to do.
“Then it is settled,” she said tightly. She looked at him, drinking him in, studying every line to remember when she was in heaven and lonely for him. “But you… I want you to be happy, my love. I want you to marry a good woman and have many children. That is my wish for you, Marcellus. Please do not disappoint me.”
He shook his head and looked at his lap. “I cannot even think on it,” he said. “Do not force me to think about it, because I will not. But you must think of Will, for he is worse off than I am. You will be leaving him with children to tend to and no mother. He will be a wealthy widower and quite a prize for some unscrupulous woman.”
Lily held her hand against his cheek, turning to kiss his palm. “Even at this moment, you are concerned for Will,” she said. “That is sweet.”
WolfeLord: de Wolfe Pack Generations Page 13
