ARTICLE 84
A Bro shall stop whatever he’s doing and watch Die Hard if it’s on TV.
COROLLARY: Ditto The Shawshank Redemption.
COROLLARY: Also Top Gun, The Big Lebowski, and the first half of Full Metal Jacket.
COROLLARY: And porn. Duh.
ARTICLE 85
If a Bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his Bros.
COROLLARY: His Bros are required to whistle, even if they have no idea what they’re whistling at.
ARTICLE 86
When a Bro meets a chick, he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale before pursuing her.
The theory of evolution alleges that men evolved from monkeys…but what about women? It seems that as men became less hairy, more upright, and less interested in throwing their own poo, women became more attractive but somehow more crazy.
Today’s chicks like to straddle the line between hot and crazy: the hotter they are, the crazier they are; the crazier they are, the hotter they seem. All of this is confusing to a Bro and, very often, dangerous. How is a Bro to know whether a chick is hot and crazy in a “let’s duck into the bathroom” kind of way, or hot and crazy in a “let’s huff paint and stalk your ex-girlfriends” kind of way?
Fortunately, I’ve devised a test that allows Bros to quickly determine where a chick fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale. Answer yes or no to each question in the columns, add up your “yes” answers, and then plot the coordinates on the Hot/Crazy Scale. Ideally, your chick is right on the line, but if she’s anywhere above it, run away.
HOT VS. CRAZY
THE HOT/CRAZY SCALE
ARTICLE 87
A Bro never questions another Bro’s stated golf score, maximum bench press, or height. He can, however, ask the Bro to prove it, traditionally in the form of a wager.
ARTICLE 88
If a Bro, for whatever reason, must drive another Bro’s car, he shall not adjust the preprogrammed radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position, even if this last requirement results in the Bro trying to drive the vehicle as a giant praying mantis would.
ARTICLE 89
A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro.
When out and about, you must be prepared to affirm anything a Bro tells a chick. “Yes, he’s single.” “Yes, we’re Navy SEALs.” “Yes, he invented Facebook.” While this usually entails stretching the truth about personal wealth, athletic prowess, or the ability to operate various aircraft, on occasion you’ll be required to pretend you’re from out of town. If you can stomach dressing up like someone’s dad, pretending to be a tourist in your own hometown is a great way to score chicks…if you’re ready with a believable backstory.
HOW TO SOUND LIKE A TOURIST
ARTICLE 90
A Bro shows up at another Bro’s party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. So if a Bro plans on chugging a six-pack, he shall bring a six-pack plus at least one can of beer. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, though etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is looking.
ARTICLE 91
If a group of Bros suspect that their Bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they shall rally to call him by an adjacent yet more demeaning nickname.
ARTICLE 92
A Bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance.
To maintain the purity of such a beautiful, impersonal, and vapid relationship, a Bro never becomes emotionally attached to his booty call.
HOW TO KEEP A BOOTY CALL A BOOTY CALL
DON’T
WHY?
Buy her anything…not even a drink.
Gifts imply consideration and forethought—a booty call should never feel like more than a reflexive impulse, like a sneeze or a gag.
Refer to your booty call as your “booty call.”
Some human beings—particularly women—like to think there’s more to sex than sex.
Stick around after sex.
A booty call is strictly business. Once the transaction has taken place, anything else is superfluous, inefficient, and awkward.
Call again if your booty call doesn’t respond that night.
Two calls imply something bad has happened: like you’ve been diagnosed with an STD or want to take her out on a date.
Call more than twice a month.
In some countries, this is considered marriage.
Think about her before midnight.
Idle thoughts can lead to a relationship.
Agree to meet on any other night than when you call.
That is called a date.
ARTICLE 93
Bros don’t speak French to one another.
ARTICLE 94
If a Bro is in the bathroom and runs out of toilet paper, another Bro may toss him a new roll, but at no point may their hands touch or the door open more than 30 degrees.
ARTICLE 95
A Bro shall alert another Bro to the presence of a chesty woman, regardless of whether or not he knows the Bro. Such alerts may not be administered verbally.
HOW TO SIGNAL WHEN BOOBS ARE PRESENT
THE SHOE TAP—To be avoided in public restrooms
THE EYE REDIRECT
THE SWIFT SHIN KICK—D cups and up only, please
ARTICLE 96
Bros shall go camping once a year, or at least attempt to start a fire.
NOTE: Attempt to start a fire outside.
ARTICLE 97
Where a Bro went to college is going to kick his Bro’s college’s ass all over the field this weekend.
ARTICLE 98
A Bro never lies to his Bros about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or event.
SIDE-BRO: THE BRO WHO CRIED “HOT CHICKS”
There once lived a Bro who would text his Bros: “Hot chicks in the bar tonight!” When his Bros would arrive to wingman him, he would laugh at them for there were no hot chicks, just, like, a lot of dudes or something. The Bro did this a couple of times because he thought it was hysterical—and it kind of is—until one night he walked into the bar to discover a Hawaiian Tropic calendar shoot taking place. The Bro texted his Bros in terror: “Dudes, seriously need a wingman right now…hot-chick calendar shoot!” But this time his Bros paid no heed to his cry, nor did they leave their video game marathon to assist him. The Bro tried to score a bikini babe on his own, but with no wingman, he was torn to pieces by the entire flock.
There is no believing a Bro who lies about hot chicks, even when he speaks the truth.
ARTICLE 99
A Bro never asks for directions when lost.
EXCEPTION: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick who seems to know the area.
EXCEPTION: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if she also appears lost.
EXCEPTION: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if he is not lost at all.
ARTICLE 100
When pulling up to a stoplight, a Bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his music selection.
COROLLARY: If there happens to be a hot chick driving the car next to the Bro, the Bro shall pull his sunglasses down to get a better look. If he’s not wearing his sunglasses, he will first put them on, then pull them down to get a better look.
ARTICLE 101
If a Bro asks another Bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave.* This is what makes them Bros, not chicks.
NOTE: A woman’s lust for gossip is matched only by her passion to have babies and accessorize. As such, a Bro should take heed when divulging a secret to a married Bro.
ARTICLE 102
A Bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman.
WINGMAN APPLICATION
Name:
____________________________________________________________
Alias:
____________________________________________________________
(e.g., Jack Package,
the Barnacle)
Special Skills:
(e.g., PowerPoint, speak German, masseur)
On the scale below, please rate your attractiveness.
1——2——3——4——5——6——7——8——9——Barney Stinson
Multiple Choice
You are the sessions drummer for Van Halen. Who is not your lead singer?
a. David Lee Roth
b. Gary Cherone
c. Sammy Hagar
d. Barney Stinson
Historically, a chick does not enjoy jokes about her:
a. face
b. shoes
c. intelligence
d. none of the above
Short Answer
You are character A. Character B is your wingman. Explain what game you would run and why.
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Essay Question
On the back of this application, write about a person who has made a significant impact on your life.
ARTICLE 103
A Bro never wears socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footgear plan and sticks with it.
ARTICLE 104
The mom of a Bro is always off-limits. But the stepmom of a Bro is fair game if she initiates and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing…provided she looks good in it…but not if she smokes menthol cigarettes.
Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another Bro’s mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia, and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. (Nota bene: It is customary for a Bro to avoid such Brocularity if his Bro’s mom is a nine or better, for fear of Oedipal inducement.) Should a Bro discover his Bro is adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro’s adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating nonbiological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative deoxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is most convenient.
ARTICLE 105
If a Bro is not invited to another Bro’s wedding, he doesn’t make a big deal out of it, even if, let’s face it, he was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already picked out the perfect wedding gift and everything. It’s cool. No big whoop.
ARTICLE 106
Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his Bros, a Bro always selects the largest size available or shall never hear the end of it that night.
ARTICLE 107
A Bro never leaves another Bro hanging.
Besides the obvious health hazards inherent in keeping an arm aloft for an extended period of time, the emotional effects of leaving a Bro out to dry in public can be devastating. If you ever see a Bro, even one you don’t know, looking around frantically with a paw held high in the air, throw him a Brone and hit him up top.
COMMON BRO FIVES
CLASSIC FIVE
THE FIST BUMP
THE EXPLODING FIST BUMP
AROUND THE WORLD
THE SELF FIVE
THE RELAPSE FIVE
BRO CODE FIVE!
(tear this one out and carry it with you so you’ll never be left hanging…)
ARTICLE 108
If a Bro forgets a guy’s name, he may call him “brah,” “dude,” or “man,” but never “Bro.”
ARTICLE 109
When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective rankings to the contrary.
ARTICLE 110
If a Bro is hitting it off with a chick, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome.
You and your Bros will undoubtedly face many seemingly insurmountable challenges on your quest to score a one-night stand. Here are some techniques to make them mountable.
TROUBLESHOOTING THE ONE-NIGHT STAND
PROBLEM
FIX
I forgot her name
Have a Bro introduce himself and listen closely. Note: Choose your ugliest Bro.
She rejected my drink offer
Offer her breakfast in bed as an alternative. If she doesn’t acquiesce, say you were kidding.
She’s having a girls’ night out
Identify and target the reason for the girls’ night out—the recently dumped chick
The lights came on—she’s ugly
Squint hard. If she asks what you’re doing, say you forgot your glasses or you’re just deeply concerned about the environment or something
ARTICLE 111
If a Bro discovers another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his email, the Bro will sign out for him, but only after first sending a few angry emails to random contacts and then deleting all sent messages.
ARTICLE 112
A Bro doesn’t sing along to music in a bar.
EXCEPTION: A Bro may participate in karaoke.
EXCEPTION TO EXCEPTION: No chick songs.
ARTICLE 113
A Bro abides by the accepted age-difference formula when pursuing a younger chick.
ACCEPTABLE AGE-DIFFERENCE FORMULA
x ≤ y/2 + 7
x = chick’s age; y = Bro’s age
This formula limits crafty old-timers from scooping up all the younger hotties, while also preventing Bros from seeing a crusty old man with a hot chick and being forced to imagine them getting it on in his adjustable bed.
AGE-DIFFERENCE REFERENCE CHART (for your wallet)
ARTICLE 114
If a Bro must crash on his Bro’s couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. If he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer than two months, he shall steam clean the couch or have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable.
ARTICLE 115
A “clothing optional” beach doesn’t really mean “clothing optional” for Bros.
ARTICLE 116
A Bro shall not kill another Bro or a Bro’s chances to score with a chick.
Every Bro is endowed with a right to life and a right to pursue hot chicks. Violating either of these God-given rights is a heinous offense that could result in the strictest penalty recognized in the Bro Code: loss of permanent shotgun status.
ARTICLE 117
A Bro never willingly relinquishes possession of a remote control. If another Bro desires a channel change, he may verbally request one or engage in the fool’s errand of getting up to manually change the channel.
COROLLARY: It is fully expected a Bro will try anything to gain possession of the remote, up to and including an attempt to flatulently smoke his Bro(s) out of the room.
ARTICLE 118
When a Bro is with his Bros, he is not a vegetarian.
The Bro Code Page 4
