ARTICLE 119
When three Bros must share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for any Bro to put his arm around another Bro to increase space. Likewise, it is unacceptable for two Bros to share a motorcycle, unless said motorcycle is equipped with a sidecar…a Brotorcycle.
ARTICLE 120
A Bro always calls another Bro by his last name.
EXCEPTION: If a Bro’s last name is also a racial epithet.
ARTICLE 121
Even if he’s never skied before, a Bro doesn’t trifle with the bunny slope.
COROLLARY: If a Bro experiences a catastrophic wipeout, he can always blame his bindings or the “conditions.”
ARTICLE 122
A Bro is always psyched. Always.
If you’re having trouble getting psyched, or you need to get a Bro psyched, you can always make yourself a “Get Psyched” mix.
CLASSIC “GET PSYCHED SONGS
“You Give Love a Bad Name”
—Bon Jovi
“I Wanna Rock”—Twisted Sister
“The Humpty Dance”
—Digital Underground
“Don’t Stop Believin’”—Journey
“You’re the Best Around”
—Joe Esposito
“Lick It Up”—KISS
“Paradise City”—Guns N’ Roses
“Tom Sawyer”—Rush
“The Transformers Theme”
—Vince DiCola with Optimus Prime
“Dancing with Myself”
—Billy Idol
“Rock You Like a Hurricane”
—Scorpions
“Come Sail Away”—Styx
“Free Bird” (second half only)
—Lynyrd Skynyrd
“Panama”—Van Halen
“Jessie’s Girl”—Rick Springfield
“Talk Dirty to Me”—Poison
“Thunderstruck”—AC/DC
“High Enough”
—Damn Yankees
“Hip Hop Hooray”
—Naughty By Nature
“Dr. Feelgood”—Mötley Crüe
“Round and Round”—Ratt
ARTICLE 123
Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from “Beat It,” which, I guess, two Bros shouldn’t do anyway, or at least not very often.
ARTICLE 124
If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while Browling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself.
ARTICLE 125
If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in a Bro Train, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.
ARTICLE 126
In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.
PRE–STRIP CLUB CHECKLIST
Converted sufficient funds to singles in the local currency.
Hid ATM and credit cards deep in wallet yet still accessible in case of rare “twins” scenario.
Got drunk.
Planted fake “movie producer” business cards on person where they might “accidentally” fall out into cleavage of dancer(s).
Pledged to avoid dancers with names like Smokey, Hepatitia, and Thunder.
Turned off heat/AC in apartment, saving both utility costs and the environment.
Not wearing jeans.
Read in-depth synopsis of movie girlfriend thinks you’re going to see.
ARTICLE 127
A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying “I love you, man” to all his Bros.
MAC—Memory Assistance and/or Correction—often comes into play around the holidays because when people gather together with loved ones, the need to drink alcohol increases exponentially.
Halloween is a time when Bros are especially susceptible to memory loss due to the lethal combination of abundant sweet things, liquor, and of course, candy. In fact, one year I awoke with four new phone numbers but no idea who gave them to me. Fortunately, based on the times I saved the numbers into my phone and a few hazy memories of the four different costumes I wore at the party the night before, I was able to create a logic matrix.
I dressed up as a Viking, a ninja, Teddy Roosevelt, and of course my old standby, Gandhi, and in each costume I picked up a different chick: a slutty nun, a slutty Cinderella, a slutty slut, and a slutty some-kind-of-creature with ears and a tail.
To work the puzzle, put an “X” in the box when you’ve ruled it out based on the clues. For example, Clue 1 says I didn’t wake up in my ninja costume, so the Ninja/2:21 AM box is already crossed out. Hint: Some clues will allow you to put an “X” in more than one box.
WHAT I REMEMBERED
I didn’t wake up in my ninja costume, but I know I ended the night with some tail.
The slutty slut was gone by November 1, so she missed my scrumptious Gandhi…she too would go hungry.
Both Cinderella and the nun were intrigued by my sword. I was still seeing throwing stars as I changed into my Viking costume.
When I first entered the party, I spoke softly to hotties and showed them my “big stick.” Politically speaking of course—I was dressed as Teddy Roosevelt.
I got Cinderella’s number early. I was afraid her melons would turn into pumpkins at midnight.
ARTICLE 128
A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination, or sports team. Even in a laundry emergency, it’s preferred that a Bro go out half naked rather than violate this code…half naked from the waist up, naturally.
ARTICLE 129
If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of lawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him.
ARTICLE 130
If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffic accident, he must first ask what type of car he collided with and whether it got totaled before asking if his Bro is okay.
ARTICLE 131
While a Bro is not expected to know exactly how to change a tire, he is required to at least drag out the jack and stare at the flat for a while. If he needs to consult the car’s ownership manual to locate the jack, he shall do so from inside the car, where he is not visible to passersby and where he can discreetly call a tow truck, after which it is recommended that he hide the jack by the side of the road so he’ll have a legitimate excuse when the tow truck arrives.
ARTICLE 132
If a Bro decides to let all of his Bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to the wedding, even if this directly violates the wishes of his fiancée and results in a “no sex” penalty or whatever lame domestic punishment couples might employ.
A bride thinks of her wedding day as the happiest day of her life. A groom thinks of his wedding day as the saddest: his marriage signifies the death of Broing out with his Bros. But there’s a simple way for the groom to send his Bros out with a bang…bridesmaids.
Squeezed into ugly identical dresses, bridesmaids have one goal: to get out of them. Studies have shown that a cocktail of jealousy, Bros in formal wear, and well, cocktails make a bridesmaid one of the most accessible chicks on the planet.
ARTICLE 133
A Bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other Bro.
EXCEPTION: “Pull my finger.”
ARTICLE 134
A Bro is entitled to use a woman as his wingman.
Since the dawn of man, Bros have spoken in hushed tones about a wingman with powers so awesome, one wink could summon a dozen hotties to your side. I’m speak
ing, of course, about the wingwoman. Think of it—if your wingman already knows what women want to hear, isn’t that an advantage far greater than having a lot of money, a full head of hair, or even a speedboat? Yes, and the best part is that wingwomen do exist. To acquire one, though, you’ll need to overcome the sexist misconceptions that so often scare chicks away from helping Bros bang other chicks.
THE WINGWOMAN: TRUE OR FALSE?
A wingwoman has to pee too much.
False A chick’s bladder is smaller but easier to control. How else can a theaterful of chicks sit through The Lake House?
A wingwoman never buys drinks.
True But your expenses are offset by other dudes buying her drinks.
A wingwoman is distracted by gossip.
False What Bros see as just high-pitched prattle, women read as a complex discussion held secretly in body language.
A wingwoman will seem like my girlfriend.
True But nothing attracts women more than a dude with a girlfriend.
ARTICLE 135
If a scenario arises in which a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot: (1) foot race to the car, (2) silent auction, or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles, (3) a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.
ARTICLE 136
When interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a Bro shall offer nothing more than an uninterested “It was okay.”
COROLLARY: A Bro never brings a camera to a bachelor party. The only memento a Bro is allowed to bring home from a bachelor party is one that can only be destroyed by penicillin.
ARTICLE 137
When hosting, a Bro orders enough pizza for all his Bros.
THE PIZZA EQUATION
p= number of pizzas (rounded up to nearest integer)
b= number of Bros (including yourself)
Equation assumes Bro hunger coefficient (h):
m= gravitational mass of the Bro
t= time elapsed since Bro last ate
Equation assumes no hunger rate of change, which is fully expressed in Stinson’s Pizza Integral:
ARTICLE 138
A real Bro doesn’t laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin.
EXCEPTION: Unless he doesn’t know the guy.
ARTICLE 139
Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that, yes, “Broadway” begins with “Bro.”
ARTICLE 140
A Bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes of a date.
THE LEMON LAW
The Lemon Law is a little-known dating loophole that allows a Bro to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. How many times has a Bro set you up with a blind date who winds up looking like the unmasked Predator? Now, with the Lemon Law, you no longer need to sit through that kind of torture or waste any of the Predator’s time. Simply present your date with a Lemon Law card, and you’re out the door.
ARTICLE 141
A Bro can only get a manicure if (a) he’s trying to sleep with the hot Asian woman performing the manicure, or (b) it’s been longer than a month since his last manicure. It’s called the Bro Code, not the Slob Code.
ARTICLE 142
A Bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his Bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face.
ARTICLE 143
When executing a high five, a Bro is forbidden from intertwining fingers or grasping his Bro’s hand.
BROETRY CORNER
“Hai-Five-Ku”
One two three four five
Raise each one high in the air
Smack and release, Bro
ARTICLE 144
It is unacceptable for two Bros to share a hotel bed without first exhausting all couch, cot, and pillows-on-floor combinations. If it’s still unavoidable, they shall prevent any incidental spoonage by arm wrestling* to determine who sleeps under the covers. Once decided, each Bro shall don as many lower layers as possible before silently fist bumping the other good night.
ARTICLE 145
A Bro is never offended if another Bro fails to return a phone call, text, or email in a timely fashion.
ARTICLE 146
A Bro refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to his Bros.
Providing graphic detail when describing a sexual feat unconsciously forces your Bros to picture you naked…and there’s no coming back from that.
HOW DETAILED CAN YOU GET?
LEVEL
SAMPLE DIALOGUE
ACCEPTABLE?
Vague
“Got laid last night.”
Moderate
“Totally got laid last night.”
Specific
“She put her [censored] on my [censored], which made my [censored] [censored] [censored]ly.”
ARTICLE 147
If a Bro sees another Bro get into a fight, he immediately has his Bro’s back.
EXCEPTION: If his Bro has picked a fight with a scary-looking guy.
EXCEPTION: If this is the third fight (or more) his Bro has gotten into that week.
EXCEPTION: If the Bro has a note from a physician excusing him from having anybody’s back.
ARTICLE 148
A Bro doesn’t listen to chick music…in front of other Bros. When alone, a Bro may listen to, say, a Sarah McLachlan album or two, but only to gain valuable insights into the female psyche, not because he finds her melodies tragically haunting yet curiously uplifting at the same time.
ARTICLE 149
A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars.
CIGAR WORD SEARCH
A C H U R C H I L L B O
F F G E T O B A C C O L
I E W P S C J G O R U X
C Z T R C T T L T W Q Y
I R L E W I N S K Y U R
O M H S B R A F T U E R
N T U I B C B R O Q T I
A E M D L G U S V T E L
D R I E E Y C U T T E R
O U D N M A T R K V H N
P I O T L J W K O Z R Y
F R R E N H Y E Y L R Z
Tobacco
Churchill
Bouquet
Lewinsky
Humidor
Fidel Castro
Cuban
Cutter
Presidente
Aficionado
ARTICLE 150
No sex with your Bro’s ex.
It is never, ever permissible for a Bro to sleep with his Bro’s ex. Violating this code is worse than killing a Bro.
AMENDMENTS
AMENDMENT I
A Bro is entitled to have sex with his Bro’s ex if she initiates it, she is really hot, or his Bro is out of town or in a different room.
The Bro Code Page 5
