Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet

by Lilliana Anderson

  I shouldn’t react. I’ve worked hard these past few months getting my head on straight. Immature bullshit shouldn’t even be on my radar anymore, but as my intoxicated brain shifts my gaze from David to Bianca and back again, irritation swirls inside my stomach. Why did I think I could do this? Why did I think I could come here and not react when Bianca pushed me? Because I knew she would. Why did I think David could be here and not try to sleep with one my co-workers? Because he can’t help himself around pretty girls. Why did I think I could handle watching him suddenly? Why, why, why? I’m not that mature. I might never be that mature.

  My god. My eyes flick between them. David. Connor. Bianca. Beth. The buzzing in my blood vibrates throughout my body until something inside me clicks. I need to do something.

  Lacking the mental faculties to stop myself due to my inebriation, I set my sights on ruining Bianca’s night, deciding to take all of my annoyance toward this situation out on her because I can’t take it out on David. Not after I gave him that whole speech about accepting who he is and how he operates. It’s stupid, I know. I have a boyfriend now, I know. But I’m too drunk to care. Too drunk to think about how my actions will affect anyone else. I just want to feel something. Something other than second best.

  Pushing through the bodies, I position myself so I’m dancing in Connor’s line of sight. I know I told him I didn’t need him as a decoy, but something tells me that getting him away from Bianca would piss all three of them off—David, Bianca and Beth. It’s selfish of me, I know. But I don’t care right now. Connor offered to help deflect the attention away from my relationship with Elliot, so why wouldn’t he be OK if I use him to annoy David? Alcohol makes my logic sound. I just want to strike out, and I don’t care how.

  When Connor catches my eye, I smile seductively before closing my eyes to let the music flow through me as I dance.

  That’s all it takes to switch his attention.

  He sidles up behind me, slipping his hands around my waist and moving side to side with me. I lift my arms and let them drop, running my hands lightly over his head before I open my eyes to see that Bianca’s dancing has dropped to a slow bounce.

  “Well played,” Connor says in my ear. “If I wasn’t aware of the situation, I’d be incredibly turned on right now.”

  I turn in his arms as Bianca merges back with the group, feeling victorious, because I won. I beat her and—

  My breath lodges in my throat as I catch David’s eye. He’s stopped dancing completely and is staring right at me, his eyes dark and stormy as he shakes his head then turns away. What’s his problem? It’s OK for him to dance like that with someone, but when I do he’s angry? Talk about double standards.

  I watch him until he disappears outside with Beth hot on his tail. I’m sure she’ll do a great job of consoling him.

  Knowing he’ll need time to cool down, I continue dancing. Sway by sway, Connor leads me deeper into the throng. We dance together while my mind spins and turns, cursing myself for believing this time could be different. David and I work but only when I’m single. The moment I show an interest in other guys, everything goes to shit. And I know he tries. I know he wants me to be happy. But the reality is, he can’t handle it. He can’t handle seeing me with a boyfriend, and he can’t handle it when I share myself around like he does. It’s like he wants me but doesn’t want me all at the same time, and as the night wears on and my saliva grows thick, I realise I’m right back at the start. I haven’t grown as a person at all. I’m jealous of David.

  And I’m also really thirsty.

  “I need water,” I yell over the music, tapping my throat. Connor nods and takes my hand, leading me through the crowd and towards the bar.

  “You want some air?” he asks once we’ve downed most of a cool bottle of Mt Franklin each. I nod yes, and he follows me out with his hand resting at the small of my back.

  As soon as we are outside the noise isn’t so booming. But we still have to lean close to be heard, our ears humming from the deafening sound inside.

  “I really want to kiss you. But I’m afraid you’ll run off again.”

  I laugh and reply, “I think you should listen to your fears on that one. I thought you were happy being a decoy.”

  He leans back and looks at me thoughtfully. “I think it would help sell it a little more, don’t you think?”

  Smiling, I shake my head. “I don’t think my boyfriend would understand it that way.”

  “And where is this boyfriend of yours tonight? Is he out with his own decoy?”

  I laugh. “He’s with friends, I think.”

  “Friends, you think.” He places his elbow on the table and studies my face. “How serious—exactly—do you think this boyfriend is?”

  “Oh, god. I don’t know. It’s still very early. We’ll see what happens.”

  He sits forward again, closing the small distance between us so he can speak softer in my ear. “Well, if it doesn’t work out, I’d like it if you considered upgrading me from decoy to actual boyfriend material.”

  “Connor.” I laugh and place my hand over my face. “You’re making this very complicated.”

  “I can wait until it’s uncomplicated. I’m very patient.”

  I laugh through my nose. “That could take a while.”

  He shrugs and smiles like it is no big deal. “There’re plenty of girls to keep me busy in the meantime,” he says with a lopsided grin.

  “You sound like David.”

  “What’s the deal with him, then? I noticed a few tense glares coming from him tonight.”

  I sigh and play with the cap of my water bottle. “He’s a huge part of the complication.”

  “Why? Because you’re secretly in love with him, or because he’s secretly in love with you?”

  Wincing a little, I cover my face. “Is it obvious?”

  “From where I was standing?” He thinks a little then nods dramatically.

  “Ugh.” I sigh. “He not in love with me.”

  “Ah. So you’re the one in love with him?”

  “I’ve always, always wished for something more from him,” I admit for the first time out loud. I don’t know why I’m doing it now on this particular day to this particular person, but here it is in its pitiful honesty And it feels… good to say it. Cleansing.

  “But he’s got you sitting all the way in the friend zone?”

  I nod. “When we were in high school, I embarrassingly threw myself at him—no strings attached—and do you know what he said?”

  “I have a feeling I do.”

  “He said no. He said never.”

  “Ouch.”

  “I know. I was pretty devastated, because well, he always felt right to me, you know? But I can’t really do anything to change how he feels. I can only change how I react to it. I thought I’d come to terms with it, but I think I’m still struggling.”

  “Did he tell you why he didn’t want to date you?”

  I shrug. “He had a pretty messed up home life. His parents went through a horrible divorce and his dad’s a real jerk. It messed up his view on relationships. His favourite quote is, ‘better to have a friend for life than a lover for a moment’—or something like that. It’s the creed he lives by.”

  “How long have you two been friends?”

  “Since we were nine. I guess that’s why I never walk away. He’s always been there for me. Through thick and thin.”

  Connor takes a drink from his water, nodding thoughtfully as I let out another sigh.

  “I’ve never told anyone this, you know?”

  His eyebrows shoot up. “Well, don’t I feel honoured?”

  “Decoy privileges, I guess.” I flash him a broad smile.

  He returns my smile. “And what about this boyfriend of yours? Does he know you’re in love with your best friend?”

  Pressing my lips together, I shake my head. “You are literally the only person in the world who does.”

  “I’ll take that as a promo
tion. From decoy to confidant in one night. Never think I don’t have skills with the ladies.”

  I laugh through my nose as I lean on the table. “Do you think it’s wrong of me? Dating one guy when I have feelings for someone else?”

  “That depends. Are you doing it to make David jealous?”

  “No.”

  “Do you genuinely like this new guy? Do you think he’ll help you move on from your unrequited affection for your friend?”

  Smiling at his dramatic description, I turn towards him, my chin resting on my hand. “I do. I can see myself falling for Elliot. He’s kind, and he’s patient, understanding. And he gets me and my ambitions with work and sport. I think we could make a great team.”

  “A team,” he repeats, not quite a question but an echo.

  “Yes. He feels right too. And I know I have to put my feelings for David behind me. Accept him as a friend or let him go completely. It feels as though that’s the only real choice, and I think if I really give this a go with Elliot, I can do that.”

  “I don’t envy you, Katrina. Although, if I was you, I’d choose the funny Irishman.”

  “Oh, you would, would you?”

  “Yes. For two reasons: I already know I’ll never have your heart, and since my time in this country is limited, it could be a perfect solution to your problem. Minus the workplace drama.”

  “You’ve got it all figured out.”

  “I do.” He offers me his hand. “You ready to go back in?”

  I look at my watch. “No. I'd better find David so we can make up and catch the last train home.”

  “And you know what else is great about me? I’m not even jealous when you mention that.”

  Laughing a little, I nudge him in the chest as I scan the outside crowd. “He might have gone back inside.”

  I head back inside, looking from the dance floor to the bar. I don't see him there either. Frowning, I unlock my phone and tap out a message. Where R U???

  Pushing through the crowd with Connor following close by, we search in every corner for him. Connor even checks the men’s room, but we come back empty. I check my phone again and find no reply. Shit!

  “I need to go outside and make a phone call,” I yell to Connor.

  “I’ll come with you.”

  “Don't, I’ll be fine.”

  He indicates that he doesn’t care, and that he’s coming anyway. So I drag him back out with me again, farther onto the wharf to hear over the music.

  With my phone to my ear, I try to call David. No answer. Instead, I get his voicemail. Crap.

  After listening to his upbeat message, I leave an irate voicemail to tell him he’s going to make us miss the train. I then try calling Carmel to see if she’s still in town so I can at least ride the train back with her, but I get her voicemail as well.

  “Fuck!” I stomp my foot like a petulant child.

  “Listen, I’ve heard stories about what happens on that train line, and I don’t think it’s safe for you to catch it home on your own. How about we wait and see if David shows up before the next train? And if he doesn’t you can just come home and stay with me for tonight?” The look on his face is sincere enough, but I’m pretty sure I know why he wants me there.

  I laugh at his boldness. “That’s nice of you, Connor, but I think I might have to decline.”

  He holds up his hands. “I’d be a complete gentleman; I can assure you. You can even sleep with Kayley if that makes you more comfortable.”

  “Maybe,” I say, biting my lip as I try David again.

  Still no luck.

  “How about we go back inside and ask around for your friend?” Connor suggests. “Surely someone would have seen him leave. He’s a tall guy.”

  My stomach twists nervously as I agree. David and I have had our issues in the past, but he’s never left me on my own in the city before. Even if he was pissed over the way I was dancing with Connor, I don’t understand this. Did I push him too far?

  But he was dancing with Beth…

  We make our way through the crowds again, asking everyone we know if they saw David leaving. “I saw him,” Bianca says, her red lips curving in a vicious smile. “He left with Beth. They were all over each other.” I can’t even hide the disappointment in my expression. He promised.

  “Thanks,” I say, turning towards the exit as my ears hum and my body goes numb.

  “Katrina.” Connor grabs my arm to stop me. “Where are you going?”

  “I don’t know,” I yell over the music. “Home?”

  “On your own? Come on, you’re a strong woman but don’t be crazy. Either stay with us, or…or call your boyfriend. Surely he can help you get home.”

  Lifting my phone, I make one last attempt to call David, but when it goes straight to voicemail, I realise Connor is right. I should call my boyfriend.

  Seventeen

  Feeling sick, upset and angry, I take a deep breath as I listen to the connection ringing Elliot’s phone, hoping he isn’t somewhere too loud to hear it.

  “Hey, I was hoping you’d call. What time is it?” he asks groggily. I can hear the smile in his voice, but he sounds sleepy.

  “Did I wake you?”

  “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. What’s up?”

  “I’m kind of stranded. I can’t find David, and I don’t really want to catch the train all the way home on my own.”

  Without missing a beat he says, “I’ll come and get you.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m sure. Can you get to the casino?”

  “Hang on.” I put my hand over the phone and ask Connor, “How far is it to walk to Star City?”

  “Fifteen to twenty minutes?” he says with a shrug.

  “Yeah, I can make it there.”

  “Who are you with?”

  “Kayley’s cousin.”

  “Isn’t that guy you were dancing with last time?” My silence answers for me. “Are you serious?” he exclaims, sounding annoyed.

  “Are you coming to get me or not?” I ask, not reacting to his change in tone as I’ve had enough of arrogant men tonight.

  He sighs. “Yes. I'm coming. Meet me outside the sports bar.”

  “All right. I’m on my way.” I press the end call button and look at Connor.

  “You’re right about your love life being complicated.”

  “And you’re volunteering to be part of it.” I smile reticently as I pat him fondly on the chest. I’ve only met him twice, but he’s already made himself one of my favourite people. And somehow, he already knows my secrets. “I have to get to the casino. Which way do I go?”

  “You’re seriously planning on walking there by yourself?”

  “It’s only fifteen minutes. I'll be fine. It’s safer than catching the train on my own.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll walk you.”

  “Connor, no. I can’t ask you to do that.”

  “You aren’t asking, Katrina. I'm insisting. Let me tell the others to wait until I get back.” He trots over to the table where some of his friends are still sitting and leans down to talk to them, inclining his head toward me as he speaks. One guy gives him a pat on the back, and he returns to me to the tune of catcalls from the table.

  “What did you just tell them?” I ask him, an accusatory tone to my voice.

  “Nothing really. I just said that I was taking you somewhere for a ride.”

  My mouth drops open, and he starts laughing at me.

  “I’m joking, I’m joking.” He laughs. “I would never lie about sex with you. I will wait my turn like a man.” I give him a very unimpressed look. “Seriously though, I just told them I would walk you to meet your friend. That's all.”

  “That’s all?”

  He nods earnestly. “Shall we?” he asks, gesturing for me to walk with him. Then, glancing back one last time to look for David. My heart sinks, and I leave. Everything is changing.

  “Thanks for walking with me,” I tell him after a while,
glad to have met such an impeccable guy.

  “It’s no trouble. Can’t have your mugging on my conscience.”

  “I appreciate it.”

  “So, this guy we’re meeting; is he the jealous type? I only really ask because I’m not keen on having my nose broken tonight.”

  “He’s not going to punch you for walking me to the casino, Connor.”

  “That’s good to hear. I worry about these things, you see.”

  “I can understand your concern.” I smile as the casino draws nearer.

  “I think we should part ways here,” he says, stopping in front of the doors. “For the safety of my nose, of course.”

  “Of course.”

  “And I want you to know I’ll not be telling anyone your business. Not even Kayley. But I do hope you work it all out. If not, well, you know where to find me.” He smiles and I give this funny, gentle man a hug.

  “Thank you, Connor,” I whisper, giving him a chaste kiss on the cheek before I let him go.

  “It was my pleasure, Katrina. And I hope to see you again soon.” He tips his head then stands and watches until I’m safely through the doors before he leaves.

  Elliot is already there when I reach the sports bar, leaning up against the wall outside it, looking at his phone. He’s wearing a pair of faded blue jeans, and a white v-neck t-shirt. His hair is sticking up and messy from sleeping. Basically, he looks delicious enough to make me forget about the shitty night I’ve had so far. Just the salve I need to mend my chaotic heart. Alcohol makes me poetic too.

  The corridor we’re in is quiet, so the clack of my heels can be heard as I walk towards him, alerting him to my presence. He stands up properly and gives me the most brilliant smile I’ve seen on him. It makes my chest swell, and I impulsively run, jumping into his arms as he captures me in a passionate kiss that has me melting on the spot. David who?

  He breaks away and smiles down at me, brushing my hair out of my face. “I was dreaming about you when you called,” he murmurs.