Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet

by Lilliana Anderson

  “I don’t know, Trina. I just know I want something different.”

  “What about me?”

  Wrapping my arm around her shoulders, we walked slowly toward the café, the smell of coffee luring us over. “I’ll call you daily and see you every weekend.”

  “You better.”

  “Ah, you probably won’t even notice if I skip a day. You and Ethan will probably be married by then at the rate you’re going. You'll be fine without me.” I grinned and nudged into her with my hip.

  “Marriage? Hell no. We’re both far too young for that. Building a career needs to happen first. I don’t want to be pregnant at eighteen with no degree to fall back on.” We joined the end of the line at the café and she fished around in her backpack for her purse while she continued to talk. “And you’re wrong. I would notice if you didn’t call one day. I mean, I love Ethan, but he’s my boyfriend. He’s not my best friend. He’s not you. Just because I have another guy in my life doesn’t mean I don’t want you around too. I still need you; you know. I’ll always need you.”

  “Come here.” I pulled her into a big hug. Hearing her say that was music to my ears. I needed her as well. I just couldn’t figure out how I needed her. “We’ll always be friends, Trina. I promise.”

  She nodded as I released her and pressed her lips together in a sad smile, wiping at her eyes while trying not to meet mine.

  “Hey, why are you getting upset?” I asked, furrowing my brow as I peered into her face.

  Shaking her head, she dropped her gaze. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just worried. You hardly come over anymore. I’m worried that once high school is finished and you aren’t forced to spend time with me, then our friendship could be over.”

  “Forced? Are you serious? Trina, I’ve been trying to do the right thing and stay out of yours and Ethan’s way. I’ve been trying to give you space for your relationship. I get to see you all the time at school, and Ethan only gets you when you’re training together and on the weekends. I’m trying to be fair.”

  “Fair? Going from visiting me all the time to only seeing me because of school feels like you don’t want to be around me at all anymore. I miss you. I miss spending time with you.”

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to upset you. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

  “Well you weren’t. You were pushing me away.”

  “I’ll start coming around more often then.”

  “Really?”

  “Of course. I’ve been missing you too.”

  With a relieved sigh, she threw her arms around my neck and held me tight. When a guy cleared his throat behind us, we released each other and progressed in the queue, ordering our coffees and something to eat before finding a spot in the shade to eat and talk. Trina seemed so happy now that I’d agreed to hang out with her more often, and I was stuck wondering what the hell I was supposed to do. I hated seeing Trina with other guys. I couldn’t expect her to stay single while I got my shit together, but still, I liked not being the third wheel to her and Ethan for the past couple of months.

  But I was a sucker for the girl. I would pretty much do anything for her happiness—besides be in a relationship, of course—so for the next year, I became that continual third wheel in Katrina and Ethan’s relationship. It helped that he was someone I got along with anyway, but I could tell he didn’t really want me there. And I couldn’t blame him. I was competition for his girlfriend’s attention.

  Nine

  Everything was going fine until the next Christmas. I’d accepted that Trina and Ethan were playing for keeps, and I started seeing other girls again. Nothing serious, same as before. But this time, I made sure I only hooked up at parties with girls from other schools. I didn’t need the Cassie drama to repeat itself.

  Besides the odd party, I spent most of my free time studying. Trina called it ‘studying for my freedom’ since the end goal was moving closer to the city for university, but she was a great study partner, so I didn’t mind a little teasing.

  “Exams are almost over,” she said as she stretched her arms above her head and rolled her neck from side to side, cracking it. “What are you going to do over the holidays?”

  Dropping my pencil on the maths book in front of me, I picked up my no-name can of lemonade and took a mouthful. We were at my place, the kitchen table covered in our study notes with only two major exams left to sit before the term was over. We were almost done with Maths, but we still had science to study for after this. My brain was starting to feel a little ragged to be honest.

  “I figured I’d get a job, save some money towards getting a car. I think mum’s getting sick of me taking hers.”

  “How much do you think you can earn in only a couple of months?” she asked with a smile. “You’ll have to buy a total shitbox.”

  “I’ll learn how to fix it up. It can be my pet project. I’ll make it all schmick and take you to the year twelve formal in it.”

  Her gaze fell as she closed her books and stacked them in front of her. “Ethan’s already said he’ll take me.”

  Of course he has.

  “A year ahead of time?”

  “Well, you’re talking about it too. And you’re not even asking, you just assumed.”

  “It’s cool,” I said, crunching my empty can in my fist. “I kinda thought we’d just go as a group. I wasn’t thinking.” I got up and threw the can in the recycling bin, rolling my eyes at myself because I hadn’t even thought about Ethan at all. I just assumed I’d take Trina the same way I did last time. Maybe I had some stupid thought that things would be over between her and Ethan by then and I’d get another shot at saying yes to her. Pipe dreams.

  “We can go as a group,” she said with a shrug. Although something about the pitch in her voice told me that would be a terrible idea. “It’ll be fun.”

  “It’s ages away, Trina. How about we worry about it when it’s time to buy the tickets?”

  “You might even have a girlfriend yourself by then?”

  Scoffing, I pulled the fridge open and pulled the chicken out that Mum had put in there for tonight’s dinner. “That is never going to happen. I don’t do girlfriends.”

  “I keep hoping you’ll change your mind on that.” Sliding her books into her bag, she stood from the table. “Relationships are better than you think. Even when they’ve ended.”

  Pulling out the cutting board, I placed my hands on the bench and met her eyes. “I’ll have to take your word for it.”

  She slid her bag over her shoulder. “You could always try it out for yourself.”

  “And you could put your bag back down and stay for dinner so we can study for science as well.”

  With a slight giggle, she shook her head. “I’m going to a movie with Ethan.”

  Of course she was.

  “OK. I’ll study for us both then,” I said, pulling the knife from the block to cut the chicken into slices.

  She smiled. “See you tomorrow?”

  “Sure,” I said as she came over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

  As she walked out, seeming so carefree and happy with her life, I couldn’t help but look around the house and think about the vast difference between hers and my situations. I had responsibilities at home—cleaning, cooking and yard work—while Mum worked long hours to provide for the both of us. Trina’s mum stayed home, her dad worked, and all she had to do was make her bed each morning and set the table for dinner at night. Everything seemed easier for her. And I was jealous. I was tired. And I didn’t know what to do about that.

  “Hey, sweetheart,” Mum said with a sigh as she came through the front door later that night. She passed me at the table, still studying, and dropped a kiss on the top of my head. “What’s this?”

  “Science. Well, chemistry. How was work?”

  “Long.” She dropped her bag on the chair beside me, and her keys on the clearest part f the table.

  “Your dinner is in the microwave.” I’d eaten hours befo
re after she’d called to say she was pulling a double shift.

  “Thank you.” She hit the quick cook button twice then folded her arms while she waited. “I thought Trina would still be here.”

  I looked at my watch. “It’s almost eleven.”

  “And?”

  “She went to a movie with Ethan.”

  “You weren’t invited this time?”

  I gathered my study notes into a pile, deciding I was done for the night. “Thankfully, no.”

  “Everything OK? I thought you liked Ethan.”

  “I do. I’m just tired of being the guy on the outside. It’s crowded.”

  “Jealous?” She grinned as the microwave beeped.

  “A little.” I got up and grabbed us both a can of drink, sitting across from her as she sat to eat. “But I’m not jealous of him. I think I’m jealous of her.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know. She’s just so sure about everything. She’s happy, content, moving forward in this straight line while I’m here feeling restless and anxious, like I’m a tiger stalking a cage.”

  “A tiger?” She paused with a fork filled with curry and rice before her mouth.

  “Yeah. Like I want out.”

  Her eyes widened a little as she placed her fork back on her plate. “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”

  Ah shit. “It’s not about getting away from you, Mum. I love you, and I think you’re awesome. But I want to get out of this town, this school. I want to go places, do more, be more. I feel like if I stay here, I’ll be stuck being something I don’t wanna be, but if I leave, I’ll branch out and figure my shit out.”

  “Are you saying you think you’ve outgrown your friendship with Trina?”

  Frowning, I shook my head. “No. I’d take her with me if she wanted to leave. But she doesn’t. I think she’s outgrown me. She just doesn’t want to admit it.”

  “Have you spoken to her about this?”

  “I’ve told her I want to go to uni in the city, stay on campus.”

  “And what did she say?”

  “She said she wants to stay close to Ethan, but she doesn’t want to lose our friendship.”

  “So you feel that she’s choosing Ethan over you?”

  “No. Yes… I don’t know. I’m just tired, Mum. I don’t want to watch her live her happy life anymore.”

  “Then why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”

  “Because we want different things. It’s too late now. She’s happy. She’s in love. And I’m….”

  “Tired.”

  I let out a sigh and nodded.

  “And you feel trapped?”

  I nodded again. “And confused, lost, overwhelmed. Everything is different, but it’s still the same, and…I don’t know anymore.”

  She reached across the table and placed her hand on top of mine. “I know your life hasn’t been the easiest, especially since your dad left. But I want you to know I’m so proud of the man you’re becoming. I can’t do much to change the way you’re feeling right now. I think time will give you clarity there. But I can offer my understanding and let you know I’m always here to talk when you need to. If your friendship with Katrina is truly hurting you, then it’s OK to let it go. But before you do, I want you to try something. Imagine a world in which she’s gone and you can’t pick up the phone and call her, or run to her when you’re stressed or upset. If you can do that and feel OK about it then let her go. If you can’t, hold tighter. You’ll get through this, OK?”

  Holy fuck. “OK,” I said, heart in my throat because a world without Katrina? No. That would be hell.

  Hold tighter. I can get through this.

  I took a few days over the next week spending time alone to think while I finished up exams. Trina didn’t press for me to socialise since she knew how important my grades were to me, so when I wasn’t preparing for an exam, I ran different scenarios through my mind, trying to figure out what the hell I wanted in life. I did as my mother suggested and created imaginary timelines where Trina and I didn’t know each other anymore. They honestly felt like the worst-case scenarios, bleak and lonely, the ones I didn’t want. Then I plotted out scenarios with various degrees of involvement. My favourites were when we were close but not too close. I preferred it when there was no boyfriend I’m in the picture of course, but being the boyfriend myself made me uneasy because it changed things between us. I didn’t know why I couldn’t cross that line with Trina—even mentally it was a struggle—because logically, we were perfect for each other, and maybe we would beat the odds and work out like my mother said. But statistically, I knew that was practically impossible. The risks felt far too great.

  At the end of the day, I wanted Trina more as a friend than a lover. Sex was easy to come by, but true friendship—the kind that could withstand anything—was a rare find indeed. I wasn’t going to let that go.

  Which just brought me back to the conundrum I’d been having ever since the night of the year ten formal. How do I stop feeling attracted to her? How do I remain her friend and watch her fall in love with some other guy? How do you love somebody without ever having them? I was caught in a pattern of wanting to push her away to protect myself and pull her in close because I couldn’t let go. It was ridiculous. Even I could see that. In my perfect world, she would stay single and we would be the kind of best friends we always were—close, affectionate, available…

  But that kind of scenario was selfish and unreasonable. I had told Trina on more than one occasion that I didn’t want a relationship, and I needed to hold true to that. I needed to live by it, accept it, and quit wanting to weigh her down, put her on the shelf and keep her there so only I could look at her. That wasn’t fair. I couldn’t have my cake and eat it too. So I needed to make peace with my decision and learn to be truly happy for her. Not just fake happy.

  And I was pretty sure I knew how to do it.

  “I was wondering if we could meet up later today.” I called Ethan set up some time for us to talk alone and clear the air. He needed to know I wasn’t after his girl. Anymore.

  “Uh, sure.” By the sound of his voice I could tell he was frowning. And probably a little confused. “Does Katrina know about this? She said something about shopping with her mum this afternoon.”

  “Nah. This is just you and me. I realised we’ve never had a chance to hang out on our own. Thought it would do us good.”

  “Ah. OK? I was gonna go for a run but where do you want to meet?”

  “How about I join you?”

  Ethan was definitely fitter than me but I held my own as we ran around the river track, making light conversation for the first fifteen minutes or so.

  “Are you gonna tell me what this is really about?” Ethan asked. “Never really pegged you for the running type.”

  “I run,” I said with a smile.

  “Yeah.” He laughed. “Away from fathers with shotguns.”

  “Funny.” That had never happened. “I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to hang out one on one. I feel like sometimes you and I aren’t really gelling. And since Trina is my best friend and your girlfriend, then it would really help her if we got along.”

  “You don’t think we get along?”

  “We do okay. I’m just trying to make an effort. I’m not going anywhere. You’re not going anywhere. We have to do what’s best for her.“

  “OK. Then I suppose I need to ask you something.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Is there anything between you two?” Straight to the point.

  “No.” I responded immediately. “And there never will be.”

  “OK.” He said the word slowly. “Has there ever been anything between you?”

  I hesitated. Does he know? “No,” I said finally, assuming Trina would never kiss and tell. “We’re just friends. I promise you that.”

  “That’s what Katrina said to.”

  “And you didn’t believe her?”

  He
shrugged. “I don’t know. You two just seem so… close. It felt like there was more there.”

  “Nah man.” I clapped him on the back. “We’re like brother and sister. Nothing to it.” It felt like a lie. But in reality, I knew it was closer to the truth. It needed to be.

  “That’s a relief.” He let out a small but nervous laugh.

  “Worried I was gonna cut your grass, huh?”

  “Well, yeah. How was I supposed to compete with that level of history? But if you’re telling me you’re like family, then I get it.”

  “So we’re cool?”

  He grinned. “Yeah, we’re cool.”

  “Race you to the bridge?”

  With a laugh he nodded, and we took off at a sprint, puffed and laughing by the time we made it. He won. I let him. Because it wasn’t about me proving I was better at something. It was about Trina.

  “Surprise!” Mum said when I walked in the door a little after seven. She was standing in the living area with her arms out to the side.

  “Surprise?” A quick scan of the room showed me that nothing was different at all. Did she change her hair?

  “Outside,” she said, her eyes widening. “The car?”

  I frowned. “The what?”

  “I can’t believe you didn’t see it,” she said with a laugh.

  “The only cars I saw out there were yours and the Subaru Impreza on the street.”

  She grinned. “Yes!”

  “Yes?”

  Now she was laughing again. “Yes, David. The Impreza is yours.”

  It was my turn to bug out. “What?”

  “Consider it a taste of freedom. It might help you feel a little less trapped.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out the keys.

  “Are you serious?”

  “I sure am.”

  “Holy crap.” I rushed to the window and looked out at the shiny blue car parked on the street. I’d seen it when I came home but thought it belonged to someone visiting a neighbour or something. People were always parking in front of our house. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, Mum. But how did you get the money for a car like that? I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but if you’re in debt for it, I’d rather you took it back and I can work until I can afford an old bomb.”