An Amish Wife for Christmas

by Patricia Davids

  Sirens sounded. People cheered as the local police and firefighters led the parade in their new machines with lights and sirens. The crowd behind him pressed closer. Michael couldn’t breathe. He started hearing a scream and knew it was coming from him. He couldn’t shut out the screams. Someone was talking to him, asking him what was wrong. A hand grabbed him and he swatted it. He had to get away.

  He felt the impact of the bullet hitting his leg. He fell to the ground and started moaning.

  * * *

  Bethany had no idea what was wrong with Michael. She cried out for help as she knelt beside him. People gathered round, pressing closer, staring, uncertain how to help. Michael gazed wide-eyed into the space, hitting at her when she touched him. Bethany didn’t think he knew she was there. Suddenly Pastor Frank was beside her.

  “It’s okay, Michael. It’s Pastor Frank. You’re having a flashback. It isn’t real. You aren’t in any danger. You’re safe. Can you hear me? Bethany is here beside me. Is it all right if Bethany holds your hand?”

  Michael’s hand opened and closed on the sidewalk. Bethany took hold of it. “It’s all right, darling. I’m here. I’m with you.”

  Pastor Frank patted her shoulder. “Keep talking to him. He needs to know that what he is seeing and hearing isn’t real. I think we’re going to need to get him away from this noise and commotion. I’m going to bring the van up.”

  Pastor Frank summoned a police officer who went with him.

  Bethany held Michael’s hand but he kept moaning and muttering people’s names. She had no idea how to help him. She’d never felt more useless in her life. She didn’t understand what was wrong. Was this what he was afraid of? Jenny was on her knees beside Bethany, crying. “What’s the matter with Michael?”

  Ivan took his little sister by the shoulders. “He’s going to be okay. He’ll get over this soon.”

  Bethany prayed Ivan’s words were true.

  * * *

  Michael refused to come out of his cabin the next day. He didn’t want to see anyone. He didn’t answer the door although he knew both Frank and Bethany were outside. What was the point? Everyone knew now that he was just a shell of a man who looked normal but wasn’t. Pastor Frank had been right. He wasn’t going to be able to heal himself. He needed help. If he had tried to get help earlier maybe he could’ve salvaged something of his relationship with Bethany.

  When the sun started to set, he went out and harnessed the pony. Pastor Frank’s survivors’ support group was tonight. Michael wasn’t sure he was a survivor, but he definitely needed support.

  At the church, he left his horse and cart and walked around the back of the building. A set of steps led to the basement. The door of the room where support group meetings were held stood open. A hand-lettered sign on the wall said Welcome to a Safe Place.

  He wasn’t sure what a safe place felt like anymore but if he was ever going to find one he had to start somewhere. He stepped inside and stopped in surprise. There were eight Englisch men and women seated at a round table with the pastor, but there were a dozen chairs lined up across the back of the room filled with the men and women of his Amish community. Jesse and the bishop. The carpenter Nigel Miller and his wife, Becca. Gemma Lapp and her parents, plus a dozen other Amish people he didn’t know by name.

  Bethany rose from her seat and came toward him. She held out her hand but he didn’t take it. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m here to learn about PTSD and how to help the man I love cope with and overcome this disorder. We all want to be able to help you when you need us.”

  “The man you love? How can you still say that after what you saw? I was on the pavement, sobbing like a frightened child. I wasn’t even aware that you were beside me. How can you love someone who is so damaged? ‘The man that you pity’ is what you really mean to say. You pity me.”

  “How can I not love you? In all the world you are the man who opened my heart so that I could clearly see God has chosen you to be my beloved. Are you a perfect man? Nee, for only God is perfect. Are you a good man? I believe, I know that you are.”

  Michael tried to swallow the lump in his throat as tears stung his eyes. “I don’t deserve your love.”

  She smiled at him softly. “I have news for you. God and I believe you do.”

  Pastor Frank came to stand beside Bethany. “I am delighted that you came tonight, Michael. I wasn’t sure that you would, but all of your friends have expressed a sincere interest in learning about PTSD and about how to deal with someone who suffers from it.”

  Michael started backing away. “I can’t do this. Not yet. Not here. I’m sorry, Bethany.”

  “Michael, please.” She held out her hand.

  “Nee, whatever you thought was between us is over. I’m no good to you.” He turned and walked out the door.

  * * *

  Bethany watched helplessly as Michael turned his back on her and left. She didn’t understand why he wouldn’t even try to accept their help. She looked to Pastor Frank. “What do I do?”

  “That’s why you’re here. To learn about what you can do.”

  “Should I go after him?”

  “No. I’m going to ask everyone to have a seat and I’m going to talk a little about PTSD and what it means to a person suffering from that disorder.”

  Bethany returned to her seat. Gemma grasped her hand.

  Frank smiled at the crowd. “Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Others are just learning about the existence of this cruel disorder. Someone with PTSD will experience horrible events over and over again in a way that is so real they believe they are back in that situation.”

  Bethany listened and tried to learn all she could, but the magnitude of the problem was daunting. After the meeting was over she stayed to talk to Frank alone.

  “Tell me how I can help Michael. Why did he push me away? I believe he loves me. I know he does.”

  “Michael considers himself weak. He is fearful that others, that you, will see him that way, too. Yet he can’t hide from what has happened to him. He has tried to run away from it by moving to this remote settlement, but the change of scenery hasn’t changed the disorder. But there is help and there is hope. I believe that shining God’s light into the dark recesses of our pain will take away the power the trauma has over us.”

  “What do I do now?”

  “When someone you love suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder, it can be overwhelming. You may feel hurt by your loved one’s distance and moodiness. However, it’s important to know that you’re not a helpless bystander. Your love and support can make all the difference in Michael’s recovery. Don’t try to pressure him into talking. It may make things worse. Just let him know you’re willing to listen when he wants to talk.”

  “I’m frightened. I’m not sure what I’m walking into but I love him. I have to help.”

  * * *

  Michael had to leave. He couldn’t stay and see the woman he loved look at him with pity for the rest of his life. He couldn’t do it. He didn’t own much. Just a few tools, some clothes and a big yellow dog. It should be easy to pick up and go, except it wasn’t easy.

  He was in the workshop, carefully packing up his tools, when the door opened. He knew who it was without looking. His eyes filled with tears but he refused to let them fall.

  She spoke softly. “Please don’t leave us.”

  “You must be out of your mind to want me to stay.”

  She stepped closer. “I don’t think so. I think you’re the man I need. You also happen to be the man I love.”

  His gaze flew to hers. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

  “I know exactly what I’m saying. I am in love with you, Michael Shetler. My heart tells me you are the man I have been waiting for all my life.”

  He turned away and continued packing his
tools. “You want a man who can fall apart in the blink of an eye because some sound or smell triggers a flashback? Is that your idea of an ideal mate? What if I’m driving a team and the children are with me and I don’t see the train coming when I cross the tracks?”

  “Michael, I know your problem looms large to you, but for me it is only one part of who you are. You are a kind, loving man. You are hardworking. You try to live your faith by caring for those around you. You are great with children and with dogs. You walk with a cane and you have PTSD. I won’t pretend to understand what that is like for you. But do you really want to give up a woman who loves you, two children who adore you, and a mangy mutt that thinks you hung the moon?”

  He put down his screwdrivers. “Sadie Sue isn’t a mangy mutt.”

  “You’re right. She is a very special gift sent by God to help us. She saved Ivan’s and Jenny’s lives, but I would trade places with that dog in a heartbeat. Do you know why? Because you accept that she loves you regardless of the difficulties you face. I wish you had half that much faith in my love. If you don’t, then maybe I am wasting my breath.”

  * * *

  Michael wanted to deny his love for Bethany but he couldn’t. He knew it took a great deal of courage for her to come to him this way. She was the most remarkable woman he’d ever met.

  “Bethany, I don’t want to burden you with my weakness. You deserve a strong and stable man.”

  “I do.” She gave him a sly smile. “Unfortunately, Jesse won’t have me. That leaves you.”

  He grinned in spite of himself. “Jesse wouldn’t stand a chance against your wit.”

  “You once told me that you would help me with anything I needed if it was within your power. Did you mean that?”

  “I did.”

  “Then here is what I want. I want to be the person beside you the next time you have a flashback if you ever have one again. I want to know and understand what you are going through, what you are seeing and hearing so I can lead you to a safe place. Tell me what happened to you. Make me understand.”

  Michael shook his head. “I will never do that to you.”

  Her eyes filled with disappointment. “Why won’t you let me help you?”

  “You don’t understand.”

  “Make me.”

  He stepped close and took her hands in his. “Bethany, if I share with you the pain and guilt and the horrible events that I lived through, then they can become your nightmare, too. You will be haunted by the things I tell you because you love me. I don’t want you to know even a small part of the horror I endured.”

  “I’m a strong woman.”

  “I know you are.”

  “Frank told me he suffered with PTSD for many years after he came back from his military service. It destroyed his marriage and almost took his life. He found a way to deal with it by helping others. He also told me that talking about what happened to you is a way to decrease the power it has over your mind.”

  “He may be right. I will share my story with him but not with you.”

  “Don’t you trust me?”

  “I trust you with my life and all that I have. You must trust me when I say there are some things you are better off not knowing.”

  “I guess you are asking me for a leap of faith. Okay. I will not ask about it again. Are you going to marry me?”

  He shook his head in bewilderment. “You are too bold to be a goot Amish maiden.”

  “I’m an Amish maiden who knows what she wants. You think that marrying me will ruin my life. I’m going to tell you that the only way you can ruin my life is to not marry me. Don’t break my heart.”

  She stepped closer and slid her arms around his neck. “Please, Michael, say that you love me or don’t say it—because it doesn’t matter. I already know you do. I see it in your eyes. I feel it in your touch. I know it by the way your heart calls to mine.”

  He groaned and wrapped his arms around her to pull her close. “I can’t believe I’m about to give you the opportunity to tell me what to do for the rest of my life.”

  Michael leaned close. Bethany knew he was going to kiss her. She had never wanted anything more. His lips touched hers with incredible gentleness, a featherlight touch. It wasn’t enough.

  She cupped his face with her hands. To her delight, he deepened the kiss. Joy clutched her heart and stole her breath. She’d been waiting a lifetime for this moment and never knew it.

  He pulled her closer. The sweet softness of his lips moved away from her mouth. He kissed her cheek, her eyelids and her forehead, and then he drew away. Bethany wasn’t ready to let him go. She would never be ready to let him go.

  “I love you, Bethany,” he murmured softly against her temple. “You make me whole. I am broken but you believe I can be mended. You make me believe it. I have lived in despair, ashamed of what I don’t understand. I thought I was beyond help. And then you came into my life and I saw hope.”

  “I love you, too, darling, but it is God that has made us both whole. Will you marry me?”

  “To keep Ivan with you?” he asked.

  She rose on tiptoe and kissed him. “To keep you by my side always. Will you?”

  “Can’t you hear my heart shouting the answer?” He kissed her temple and held her close.

  Bethany had never felt so cherished. The wonder of his love was almost impossible to comprehend. Emotion choked her. She couldn’t speak.

  “Did he say yes?” Jenny’s whispered question was hushed by Ivan.

  Michael choked on a laugh as he realized they weren’t alone. He looked up at the ceiling to compose himself. Bethany shook silently in his arms. He knew she was trying not to laugh out loud.

  He mustered his most authoritative voice. “Eavesdroppers are likely to be sent to bed without their supper for a week.”

  Jenny popped up from behind the desk. “I wasn’t eavesdropping. I just came in to ask my sister a question.”

  Michael kept his arm around Bethany as she turned to face her sister. “Ivan, what is your excuse?” she asked.

  Ivan rose more reluctantly. “I came in to keep Jenny from interrupting the two of you.”

  “And what is the reason the two of you were hiding behind my desk?” he asked.

  “I wasn’t hiding. I was scratching Sadie’s tummy,” Jenny announced with a smile at her brilliant excuse. “But I did happen to hear my sister ask you to marry her, Michael. I thought men were supposed to ask first. Did she do it backward?”

  Ivan took her hand and started to lead her from the room. “You have a lot to learn, sis. Women like to let men think it was their idea.”

  Jenny tried to get her hand loose. “Wait. We didn’t hear his answer.” Ivan didn’t let go of her. She grabbed the doorjamb and held on as she looked over her shoulder. “Please, Michael, say you want to marry us.”

  A tug from her brother propelled her out of the room. He shut the door with a resounding bang.

  Bethany turned and leaned against Michael’s chest as she shook with laughter. “I’m the one who should tell you to run and get as far away from us as fast as you can.”

  “I’m afraid that no matter how far I went I wouldn’t survive long.”

  She leaned back to look at his face. “Why is that?”

  “Because my heart would remain here in your keeping and a man can’t live long without a heart.”

  “Then you will marry me?” she asked hopefully.

  “On one condition.”

  A faint frown appeared on her face. “What condition?”

  “That I also get to ask the question. Bethany Martin, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

  “I will.”

  “Then I promise to love and cherish you all the days of my life,” he said and bent to kiss her once more.

  The door flew open and Jenny charged in with
Sadie at her side. “He said yes and she said yes. We’re getting married!” Sadie started barking wildly as she bounced around Jenny. Ivan stood in the doorway with a bright smile on his face.

  Bethany gazed up at Michael with all the love in her heart. “Are you sure you want to marry all of us?”

  He kissed the tip of her nose. “I want an Amish wife for Christmas, two fine Amish children, a fine house with a workshop and a goot hund. What more could a man need?”

  “Maybe another kiss from his Amish wife?”

  “My darling Bethany, you read me like a book.” He leaned in and kissed her again, knowing no matter what trials he faced, he would never face them alone. God and Bethany would be with him always.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The morning of Second Christmas, December 26, dawned clear and bright in New Covenant, Maine. Bethany and Michael stood in the entryway of her house and greeted their wedding guests. Bethany’s aunt and uncle had arrived on Christmas Eve and had helped take over the preparations for the wedding. Ivan and Jesse showed the guests to their seats.

  Bethany glanced at her soon-to-be husband. He looked very handsome in his black suit and black string tie. He smiled back at her. “It’s not too late to call it off.”

  She shook her head. “I think it was too late the day I met you.”

  He snapped his fingers. “That’s who we forgot to invite.”

  “Who?”

  “Clarabelle.”

  Gemma entered with her parents. “A blessed Christmas to you and may you have a blessed life together.”

  “Thank you for agreeing to be my sidesitter,” Bethany said.

  “I am honored to be your attendant at your wedding. Michael, who is going to stand up with you?”

  “Jesse has agreed to do me the favor.”

  Gemma made a sour face. “That man is as dense as a post.” She went in to take her place on the front bench where Bethany would sit during the ceremony.