Louisiana Catch

by Sweta Srivastava Vikram

  “Morning! Did you go for yoga?” She waved at me.

  She wasn’t in a bad mood. But I didn’t want any of my words flung back at me, so I responded, “Yup.”

  “Did Rohan join you there?” She smiled at me.

  “How did you know?” I looked up as I rolled my socks.

  “Last night, when Josh came to drop you off home, Rohan asked me for the address to your yoga studio and we looked up your class schedule online.”

  “Oh, no wonder.” I pulled out a cleansing wipe and wiped my neck and armpits.

  Naina ecstatically got up from the sofa. “I can finally hear it in your voice that you like someone.”

  “I thought you wanted me to come home because you wanted to apologize. Where is that sorry?” I looked at Naina with no expression as I threw the wipe in the trashcan.

  She stopped and stared at the floor. “I feel awful about last night, Ahana. Josh gave me a huge talk.” She dragged her feet. “I know you’d have never spoken to me the way I spoke to you. I am truly sorry.”

  I washed my hands in the kitchen sink. “Thank you for reminding me what a true apology looks like.”

  Naina rushed toward me. “Sorry, babes. It’s just that I don’t want Jay to hurt you. Dev has already done that.”

  “I do not like Jay romantically.”

  “I know that, Ahana. Even more, why waste time on that loser?” she whispered into my hair. “You get carried away by people whining about their pain.”

  I untied my ponytail and ran my fingers through my hair to disentangle any knots. “I have something to confess, but I need you not to be cruel, Naina.”

  Naina examined my face. I walked toward the living room. My face burned. I could feel the heat rise through my neck.

  Naina ran her fingers along the handle of her coffee mug. “What’s going on, Ahana?”

  “I don’t know how to explain. If you have a few minutes, read Jay’s messages from this morning.” I collapsed on the sofa.

  “Wait…from this morning? I thought you were at breakfast with Rohan.”

  “No, I saw the messages right after class.”

  “You mean, you sat in the park on a beautiful morning like this and devoted almost an hour to this toxic son of a bitch?”

  I glared at her. Naina bit her lip as soon as the words left her mouth. She read through the message exchange between Jay and me. “What’s with all this name-calling? Sheesh, the guy has an awful high sense of himself. It’s appalling!”

  I went into my room to change into a pair of crop pants and tank top. Naina spoke loudly from the living room. “He’s playing martyr and labeling Amanda the toxic one, fucking jerk. And making sure she doesn’t have a support network to fall back on. He is good at being sick.”

  My hands shook as I pushed my lululemon yoga pants and yoga underwear down my thighs. I placed my contacts in their case and put on my glasses.

  Naina walked toward my room. I was folding up my dirty clothes to put in the clothes hamper. She gave me a kiss on my forehead. “I am so proud of you.”

  “What?”

  “You handled Jay really well. I bet it bothered you when he called Amanda names and didn’t tell you that he was in love with someone else. But you stayed classy, not surprising, but sensible in your interaction.”

  I became quiet.

  Naina rubbed my shoulders. “What’s on your mind?”

  I shifted in my feet.

  “You are thinking about something too hard.”

  As Naina was reacting, I forestalled her and asked, “Do you think I deserve it?” I sank to the floor. My body felt worn-out.

  Naina sat next to me. “What are you talking about?”

  “It haunts me. I thought I would be over it by now,” I mumbled.

  Naina shook me. “Ahana, you are worrying me.”

  “Dev… Our marriage… I….” I paused and took a deep breath. “I asked for a divorce because….” I kept swallowing my words.

  “Ahana?”

  “Dev raped me, Naina.” I spoke softly, but there was a tsunami of pressure behind my eyes. I was surprised at my forthrightness. This was a secret I had held close to my heart for a decade. But I couldn’t deal with the burden alone any longer.

  “He did what?” Naina pounded her fist into the wall. “When? Did your mom know?”

  I was still struggling with everything, so I lied a little. “It only happened a few times,” and looked away when it happened a few times a week.

  “Why didn’t you say anything, sweetie?”

  “Dev made sure I stayed silent. He took pictures and threatened to share them with Mumma and Dad.” I started to sob.

  Naina cupped my face. “Ahana, look at me.” She wiped my tears. “You have nothing to be ashamed about. Dev is a rapist.”

  “But sometimes,” I said, “my physical body…. He said it was proof that I liked it. I had to live with a crippling sense of corruption and his attack on my credibility. I couldn’t talk to anyone, Naina. Not you. Not Mumma. Dev made sure. I felt embarrassed and so dirty.” I buried my face in Naina’s arms.

  “You never asked to be raped. Biology works differently. So what if your body responded; your mind didn’t! He violated you, and I’m going to chop off his dick and feed it to the mongrels near India Gate.”

  “I didn’t enjoy it, Naina. He made me feel really small.” My tears were mixed with my snot. Naina hugged me tight.

  “He is an abusive narcissist who hurt his own wife and deflected any responsibility for his actions.” She was crying, too.

  After a little while, I pulled myself away. “Do I need to be actively disrespected to feel seen?”

  “What makes you think that?” Naina stroked my forehead.

  “Because Dev broke my heart and my trust, and I stayed quiet. Jay seemed like a reasonable guy when we started to interact, but he changed, too.”

  I looked up at Naina. “It is me, right? Somewhere people think it’s OK to treat me like shit because I look weak? Because deep down I think I deserve it? Because I was never taught to fight my battles!”

  “That’s exactly why I like Rohan in your life. Dev and Jay ate at your ability to trust yourself, and inevitably, you were disabled from calling out abuse. But Rohan empowers you.”

  “We can’t be anything but friends, Naina.”

  “Stop fighting yourself.” Naina sat next to me.

  I put my head on her shoulder. “I can’t leave Dad alone. He demanded I come back home after the earthquake in New Delhi a few weeks ago.”

  She patted my hands. “We live in a globalized world. If, only if, you guys really liked each other, one of you could move.”

  “Dad being needier will make it harder for me to be with Rohan for any real period of time. I can’t deal with additional stress.”

  “Your dad will love Rohan.”

  “How much do you know Rohan to side so blindly with him?”

  “He is sincere. Rohan makes you more confident. When I’m not around, I feel like I can trust him to show up for you.” Naina got up.

  “I don’t need a babysitter.” I stood up so quickly that I felt dizzy.

  “Of course, you don’t. That’s not what I meant.”

  “Sometimes I feel you think I am incapable of taking care of myself after Mumma’s death.”

  “I feel you’re still vulnerable. It’s understandable why. You lost your mom and marriage inside of a year. I mean, listen to what you just told me about Dev. Of course you’re still healing. Weirdos of all types will try to exploit that.”

  “You mean Jay?” My arms were crossed across my chest.

  “I mean most people. I have no proof, but I am convinced that Jay has made it his business to know you. He has figured you out and is already ahead in the game.”

  Naina got up and looked out the windows of my bedroom. “Remember when my high school boyfriend died in a bus accident on his way from a football game?”

  “Of course.”

  “I opene
d myself up to trouble because I wasn’t careful about whom I let into my life. I was hurt, angry, broken, and so lonely. You’ll be surprised how many vultures out there wait for victims.”

  “I am sorry, Naina.” I gently pressed her shoulders.

  “Meh, it’s an old story. I am with Josh and I love him more than I can handle. All I am saying is that Rohan has principles, and he would never take advantage of you. Jay, on the other hand, I don’t trust one bit. It took him less than a day to badmouth and abuse the woman he didn’t love but did love but didn’t date but is heartbroken over.”

  There was silence for a few seconds. Naina picked up Mumma’s picture from my nightstand. She dusted it with her bare hands. “Have you told Jay and Rohan about Dev?”

  I felt fear rise from my root chakra—which represents our foundation and feeling of being grounded—to my crown chakra—the highest chakra, which represents our ability to be fully connected spiritually. I noticed my heart rate was faster and my palpitations increased.

  “Ahana.”

  With my index finger tapping my lips, I took the photo frame from her hands. “I’ve told Rohan a little, not Jay.”

  “Has Rohan ever used that information in an inappropriate way?”

  “God, no. Not at all. He has been kind and caring.”

  “Why do you think you told Rohan but not Jay, even though Jay and you connected over loss and suffering, as you say?”

  I lifted my shoulders and brought them to my ears.

  “It’s because your instincts told you to safeguard yourself against Jay. The same instincts also told you to be authentic around Rohan. Always listen to your gut, Ahana.”

  “You make Jay sound like a criminal.” I walked to my dresser to pick up a hair clip.

  “Isn’t he, Ahana?” Naina walked up to me. “He is a smart dude; I’ll give you that. He scoped out the emptiness inside of you and moved into that space.”

  I felt the need to say something but stood wordlessly.

  Naina excused herself and went for a shower. She and Josh had a meeting with the photographer.

  Naina’s words made my skin crawl. I walked into the living room and sat on the floor with my legs stretched out in front of me. I drew my heel toward my abdomen and placed my right foot on the top of my left thigh. Then I pulled my other heel up toward my navel and rested my left foot on the top of my right thigh. I closed my eyes and started to breathe deeply. I must have meditated for over thirty minutes because when I opened my eyes, Naina was sitting on the sofa and staring at me.

  “You look pretty.” I stretched my arms over my head and smiled at Naina. She was clad in a light green dress.

  “Ms. Yoga Queen, would you like some bagels?”

  “Nah, I’m OK.”

  “Let me rephrase my sentence. I am ordering some bagels from the deli below and you must eat some breakfast, too. Which one would you like?”

  “Such a bossy lady.” I hit her lightly on her shoulder. “Whole wheat with low fat vegetable cream cheese slightly toasted and layered with avocado, tomato, and sprouts.”

  “Such a diva,” Naina rolled her eyes at me.

  In less than ten minutes, we had bagels and freshly squeezed vegetable-fruit combination juices delivered to the apartment. After all the dancing and drinking the night before, clean food felt good in my stomach.

  “You better deal with him before we leave for my engagement party.”

  “What do you mean?” I wiped cream cheese from the corner of my mouth.

  “I can talk to my mentor and have him kicked out or whatever. She’s the moderator and always has the final say.”

  “No, don’t do that.” I was firm mainly because I was afraid of Jay retaliating.

  While Naina was still talking, I made my own secret plan to turn into Detective Ahana and get to the bottom of Jay’s identity. I knew I had to be casual, but not too affectionate or empathetic.

  “What’s going on inside that head of yours?” Naina prodded me.

  “Not much.” I looked away.

  Both Naina and I rinsed the dirty dishes and placed them in the dishwasher.

  Naina leaned into the passageway. “Promise me that you won’t waste another minute of your life on this guy.”

  “Go.” I pushed Naina from behind. “Josh must be waiting for you. It’s already 11:45 a.m.”

  “Fuck!!” She perched her sunglasses over her head.

  As Naina stepped out of the apartment, I closed the doors and brought my mobile phone outside. There were no messages from Jay or Rohan. I was determined to find out what he wanted from me.

  I tapped my phone impatiently against my chin.

  “Hey, just a note to see how you are doing?” I didn’t write nonchalant notes. This was difficult for me. I stretched my legs and shifted my weight from foot to foot.

  “You know I am still feeling lonesome,” Jay wrote back right away. “I wish I could be like you. You have shit in your life yet you manage to stay focused and do what you got to do. Much respect!” He sent me a selfie with a sad expression.

  Jay’s words today sounded empty, much like our friendship. Like he pulled from a list of manipulative things to say. It was alarming, the realization that Jay might not be feeling depressed at all. He’s coldly, boredly, and steadily using a script to wear me down.

  “Have you eaten anything?” I wrote and then deleted. I was getting too empathetic. “Did you hear from Amanda?”

  “Nah, she is a cold bitch.”

  My stomach cramped.

  “Can’t beat a dead friendship with a stick, ya know?”

  I walked into the kitchen to get myself a glass of water. My phone made a sound.

  “What are you doing today?” Jay asked.

  “Just relaxing. A bit tired, Jay.”

  “You care too much about people, Ahana.”

  “The universe keeps a tab, I am sure.” I rolled my eyes as I wrote back to him.

  “The universe doesn’t give a fuck.”

  He was back to being angry. Naina was right; Jay was emotionally unstable and he had the ability to turn me into a yo-yo too. I had to take control of the situation.

  “Are you feeling depressed about Amanda ending the friendship?”

  “Not depressed but definitely disappointed. “I wasn’t going to marry her or knock her up, if that’s what you are trying to ask.”

  I can’t believe he said that!

  Before I could reply, the battery ran low. It took me a few minutes to find a socket and put the phone on charge.

  In the interim, there were several messages from Jay.

  “I guess you got bored and left. I am a burden to those around me. I am going out of my fucking mind.”

  I ignored him on purpose. I saw a coldness in myself that I didn’t like. For the first time, I understood what it felt like to be a manipulator. I felt a discomforting chill in my bones.

  Ping. Another message from Jay. There it was, just as I had suspected. “Maybe we can talk on the phone one of these days? Maybe you can drill some sense into my head?”

  I took this as a possible sign of success. I was hunting Jay in this emotional warfare game instead of the other way around. I got him to suggest a phone call. I drank an entire pitcher of water. With my phone on charge in the living room, I went into my bedroom. My runner’s quadriceps and yoga hamstrings failed me, so I sat on the bed. With a cushion between my legs, I placed my laptop on it.

  There was a Salinger quote from Jay. “I’m just sick of ego, ego, ego. My own and everybody else’s. I’m sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something distinguished and all, be somebody interesting. It’s disgusting.”

  It occurred to me that Jay, while sharing pertinent Salinger’s dialogues to describe his feelings, rarely recognized Salinger’s works when I sent them to him.

  And for that matter, how had he known that I liked Salinger in the first place?

  * * *

  It was time to check Amanda’s social media ac
counts to figure out what was truly going on. Amanda, during the online therapy session, was so conservative with her interactions that even I barely remembered her, and I almost never miss a thing. She was so disconnected with most of us that it didn’t even occur to me to connect with her on social media. I hoped her settings were such that anyone could see her posts.

  Amanda posted a lot of scantily clad selfies, and Jay engaged with every one of them. There was a picture of a plate of bacon from a few weeks ago. And the caption read, “The cure-all drug for impotence.”

  I almost closed my laptop. Who posts things like these? Rohan’s training combined with the increase in my social media followers told me I was good enough now to see how others do such a poor job of it. Amanda was an investment banker; how did she manage a public profile with heavy sexual undertones in all her interactions?

  Jay had left a comment. “Hahaha.”

  “Bacon gives me lady boner,” Amanda had responded.

  “What a classy image. No wonder I love you.”

  There was no way I could ascertain whether Jay’s “I love you” meant something platonic or more.

  My fingers found their way toward each other, and my palms pressed together at my heart. But what really confirmed my doubts that Jay and Amanda were involved in a romantic relationship, even though he denied it, or at least that Amanda really liked him more than a friend, was when I saw that she had dressed her cat in a forest green football jersey with white ribbons. The caption read: “My cat got the Jets colors on for mah man today. Buckeyes next time, people!!” There was a comment from Jay below the picture, “You have impeccable taste.”

  I shut my laptop and got up from the bed. Jets! JETS. JETS! That was the team Jay supported. Anyone who knew Jay probably knew that he swore by the New York Jets. I thought it was weird because Jay was from Louisiana and its football team was the Saints. Rohan was a Saints devotee.

  I had caught Jay L Y I N G about his relationship with Amanda. He said they were just friends, but there was more to it. There was so much I didn’t know about Jay. Our intimacy was all about our dead mothers. But he and Amanda shared intimacy like a couple that was dating. I was getting sucked into the mystery, and the thrill of hunting down clues.