Stepbrother Inked

by Violet Blaze

  “Then what did you come to talk about?” he asked, and I felt my breath hitch. Do it, Abigail. Do it before you think better of it.

  I spun in my seat and I knew I looked desperate, that I'd lost all of my earlier confidence.

  “Flor.” His name fell from my lips like a promise.

  The second that syllable slid over my tongue, I saw his eyes widen. His unlit cigarette fell from his mouth and hit the seat, bouncing off to land on the floor.

  “Flor,” I said again, forcing myself to clear my throat. If I was going to do this, to say this, I had to sound strong.

  “No,” he said suddenly, his voice little more than a whisper.

  I paused and my hesitation cost me everything.

  “No,” he said again, opening up his door.

  “Flor, wait!” I said, confused, hurt, not understanding what was going on.

  “No, Abigail, no,” he said suddenly, spinning back to me and reaching out with those beautiful fingers, taking hold of my chin. “Don't say it. Don't.”

  “You don't even know what I'm going to say,” I whispered back, tears stinging the corners of my eyes. Shock took over, temporarily replacing my pain, when Florian leaned over and kissed the drops from the corners of my eyelids.

  “I know what you're going to say, but the answer is no, and I can't, and I have to go.” He pulled his hand back and stepped out onto the sidewalk, pausing again to lean down and look me straight in the face. His expression was unreadable. “Don't ever say it, Abigail, because if you do … if you do … ”

  “Hey, you!”

  It was Addison, a cloth shopping bag in one hand and a smile on her face. She raised her other hand to wave at us from across the street. I should've known she'd rather play hooky and go shopping than go to class. Glancing over at her gave Flor enough time to shut the door and take a step back before I spun towards him again, ripping off my seatbelt and scooting over towards the passenger seat, curling my fingers around the open window.

  “Flor,” I called out, but he was already moving away, down the street and towards the bus station. “Flor!” He didn't stop, didn't turn around and look at me. I watched him walk away, watched him slump down on the bench and stay there. I could've gone after him, physically anyway, but emotionally? I felt liquid on my cheeks and reached up to touch my tears.

  I couldn't even tell him how I felt, couldn't get this off my chest; he wouldn't let me. This pain, this shame I had inside of me, it was starting to look like I'd be stuck with it forever.

  My heart felt like it was in the middle of an emotional apocalypse, like I was looking at a world suddenly stripped of color. If I'd thought harboring these feelings for so long had been difficult, knowing that Flor had purposely denied me the chance to admit to them was even worse. But why, Flor? Why? Why look at me so tenderly, touch me so sweetly, and then run off like that? Nobody's ever kissed my eyelids before. It was that gentle touch that had really undone me.

  Don't ever say it, Abigail, because if you do …

  If I did, then what could possibly happen? And did he even know what I was going to say? Was that it? Or was there some sort of cosmic misunderstanding here that was shooting us both in the foot?

  I rolled over and grabbed my Pepsi off the nightstand, twisting off the cap and bringing it to my lips. This is what my heart feels like, like a bottle of soda. It was a stupid analogy, not very poetic or Shakespearean, but it was true. You could shake the bottle as much as you wanted and as long as you didn't open the top, all the fizz would stay inside. Well, too late. I'd been shaken and stirred and dipped and dropped all my life, tossed around by my emotions for Flor like debris in a tornado, and now, I'd popped the top. And Flor, that know-it-all asshole, had tried to shove the cap back on.

  Too late.

  I was already bubbling over with hurt and confusion and regret. I should've kept my big mouth shut.

  “Are you being contemplative again?” Addi asked, pausing in the doorway to my bedroom. She was all dolled up, eyes traced with gold and black and lips lined in red, making me feel even less like a human and more like a mop. A saggy, dirty, droopy, wet mop. “Because we don't have time for that. I haven't even done your makeup yet. Here, I brought you some goodies to make you feel better.”

  I eyed these supposed presents suspiciously. Sometimes, I thought Addison just bought me clothes because she liked to dress me up, like I was her own personal doll or something. Or maybe it had to do with the whole 'motherless vacuum' thing. Granted, River and I had never had that sort of relationship, the kind where you go shopping together and hang out. Maybe I needed this? “Come on, get up, get dressed, and forget about Satan's Spawn for a little while. Stop playing these games with him.”

  Addi moved over to stand next to me, giving the homework spread across my bed a dirty look. Draped over her right arm was a sultry little party dress in burnished bronze. It had a high neckline, but was scandalously short; it was also way too fancy for a night at the movies. Which I should never have agreed to in the first place. I felt tired just thinking about it, especially considering there was a shoe box in the crook of her other arm. The shoes inside were probably fabulous, but also potentially deadly; I wasn't used to walking on stilts. Addison was a notorious shopaholic, but she'd already modeled the new outfit she'd bought for the evening. This could only mean one thing.

  “Just Satan, remember? Not Satan's Spawn. And the dress better be the only goody you have for me tonight,” I said, closing my chemistry textbook and sitting up on my bed. I'd also agreed – reluctantly – to a double date with Addi and Patrick. One, because I was sick and tired of sulking around the apartment and two, because Max had suddenly upped his game. He'd brought me flowers, stayed in and pigged out on ice cream during girls' night with Addi, even taken me on a romantic dinner date. I still wasn't much in the mood for going out, but I was making an effort. “There is no way I'm going to squeeze into that thing.” The fabric shimmered as Addi thrust it out at me, her skintight zebra patterned dress only emphasizing how skinny she really was. Yesterday, she'd locked herself in the bathroom and dyed her ecstatic curls a white-blonde color. At first I wasn't sure about it¸ but it was growing on me. Or maybe she was just too hip for me. I fingered my brunette curls and sighed.

  “Oh, stop that,” Addi said, dropping her arms by her sides and tilting her head to glare at me. “So Flor freaked out and acted like the weirdo we always knew he was. It's been a week, bitch. Get up and let's go.” She marched over to me and dropped the dress and shoes on the white bedspread. “I spent good money on that stuff, so don't say a word. You are wearing it.”

  I sighed and groaned, leaning back into the pillows and pressing the heels of my hands against my eyes. Addi's favorite perfume, some sort of cinnamon-vanilla mixture, wafted around me as she leaned over and whispered into my ear.

  “Oh, and we're not seeing a movie tonight. There's a concert at the WOW Hall. We're going.”

  I pulled my hands away from my eyes.

  “The WOW Hall?” I asked, pushing myself up onto my elbows. The WOW Hall was a little concert venue a few blocks from our apartment. I'd frequented it with my friends in high school, getting drunk on whatever we could find before we even hit the front door, and then watching bands whose names I'd already forgotten.

  I wrinkled my nose.

  Those were not my fondest memories, foggy and forgettable evenings drinking Everclear and trying to show Flor that I was just as boss and badass as he was (which was actually so not true). Only, at that point he'd already moved out, so he wasn't even around to see me make a fool of myself. To me, a concert at the WOW Hall meant a tightly packed venue, sweaty bodies, ear splitting bass beats, and probably a mosh pit or two or three. I already had a pulsing headache from trying to deal with the follow-up questions to my spectroscopy lab in forensic chemistry; those were the last things I needed, and I told Addison so.

  “Get up, get dressed,” she repeated, fluffing her hair and checking her makeup briefly in
my vanity mirror, yet another gift from my stepmom, another random, insignificant reminder that Flor and me equaled impossible. “I invited Theo and his new boyfriend, Yuu, to go with us. Actually, it was kind of his idea in the first place.” She paused and had the decency to look at least a little guilty when she added, “I may or may not have told him everything. By the way, he says Flor throws more shade than a beach umbrella, whatever that means.” Addi smoothed her hands over the sequins on her dress in a nervous gesture. “You're not upset, are you? I know the wound's still raw.”

  “You mean, did I know you guys shared everything? Because that's kind of a no-brainer. My only question would be if you and Theo shared gossip about me via old fashioned post or through a series of cryptic tweets? And by the way, does Patrick know the full extent of your platonic love affair with Miss Theo MacFabulous?” I asked with a slight smile, referring to Addison's sinfully beautiful drag queen friend by his stage name. Unlike Rhonda, Addi's elementary school pen pal really was a dude in a dress. We'd all sat together at the same table in second grade, but by the end of the year, Theo's parents were already making plans to move to Portland. I hadn't seen him since, but he and Addi had this weird, pseudo romantic relationship with one another where they actually scribbled out handwritten letters and mailed them back and forth. Of course, they also used FaceTime, Instagram, and Twitter, but I think the handwritten stuff was their favorite form of communication. “He's in town?”

  “Possibly for the weekend, possibly for forever,” Addi confirmed, still looming over my bed looking serious. “He and Yuu are thinking of moving back here. Not sure what it is about this town that gets everybody's panties in a wad,” she whispered under her breath and then paused, caramel-brown eyes narrowing on me. At least she knew what got my panties in a wad.

  I looked down at my bedspread and waited while Addi took a deep breath. Whatever she said next was going to hurt, I could tell. There was a certain set to her lips, a tightness in the muscles of her face, that forewarned me of the impending disaster. It was the same face she'd had the day she'd told me her parents had decided to move to San Diego.

  “They're going to meet us here, so we can all walk together … ” Her voice trailed off. Bad sign. Addison sat down heavy on the edge of my bed and started fingering the black fringe that hung from the dress she'd given me. “I'm worried about you, you know?”

  “I know,” I said, looking at the dress and not at her.

  Addi reached out and lifted my chin with her fingers.

  “I want you to be happy.”

  “I know.” I felt tears sting my eyes again. I just could not for the life of me understand why Flor had stopped our conversation short, why he couldn't just let me get out what I needed to get out. I'd told Addi the story at least three times, per her own request, but neither of us had been able to figure it out. Maybe Theo and his unique knowledge of men could help? He both was one and dated them. That had to count for something, right? Though I had the sneaking suspicion that there were very few – if any – people alive on the planet that could decode Florian Harper Riley and his secrets. “I wanted to get these feelings off my chest.” I touched my fingers to the skin at the base of my throat. “They're suffocating me, Addi.”

  She dropped her hands to her lap and nodded.

  “I know, and that's why I'm here, to be your oxygen tank and to fill your head with smart ideas and logical thoughts. Florian is a fucking dick, always has been, and always will be. You don't owe him shit and you don't need him. Forget about his skanky ass and let's go to a freaking rock concert. It might be a shitty local band that nobody's ever heard of, but you can't set foot outside in downtown Eugene and not see something worth seeing.”

  “Or unseeing,” I added and she grinned, patting the dress enthusiastically.

  “That's the spirit!” Addi stood up and started backing towards the door, holding her phone up for emphasis as she added, “and hurry up. They'll be here any minute.”

  I saluted Addi and she winked at me, disappearing out the door and down the hallway. I looked at the dress and examined the way-too-tall-for-me stiletto heels in the box before deciding to go with something of my own. Addi could take back the stuff and get herself some new shoes. Besides, Addison might be confident enough to dress up for the every day – even something as small as a trip to the grocery store – but I'd rather blend in with the crowd, at least for tonight.

  I dressed in a plain purple tank, a pair of skinny jeans, and some black boots. I even took the time to put matching silver rings in my nose and bellybutton and make sure my tank rode up enough to show off my tattoo. It might be Flor's work, but it was still beautiful.

  I glanced briefly over at my phone and wondered what he was up to right now, if he'd thought about me even once since that day, and then decided I didn't care. I couldn't keep caring or it would kill me. I'd given it a go, and I'd gotten my answer. Besides, if I kept brooding like this, not only would Addison be able to tell, but so would Theo, and if my memories served me right, he had a sharp tongue and a no-nonsense attitude. So, I put on my big girl panties and took a deep breath.

  As Theo MacFabulous might say, it's time to party, baby.

  The WOW Hall (Woodmen of the World Hall would be the official name, but I was probably one of a handful of people that actually knew or cared) was located in downtown Eugene on West 8th Avenue. It was a squat, little white building that looked a lot like a church (and had, in fact, actually once been one as well). The line tonight was out the door, quite literally, and stretched down the sidewalk in a flurry of activity, the breath of the concert goers puffing in the air like clouds, mixing with the cigarette smoke and the slightest whiff of pot. A handful of drunks milled around as well, asking for change, as much a part of the local scenery as the building itself. Some people told them to fuck off; I usually gave in and handed out a few dollar bills. Hey, most of them had dogs and that crap worked on me.

  I shuffled my feet and leaned into Max's warmth, trying to enjoy myself even though this wasn't my usual scene. Theo and his boyfriend, Yuu Harada, a skinny Japanese boy in red pants and a loose black tank top, were watching me from behind Addi and Patrick (who were currently in the middle of a very intense discussion about feral cats – don't ask), and I was ashamed to admit that it felt like they both could see right through me. Or maybe I really was just that transparent? Trying not to think about Flor only made me think about him more often. I had tried to make sense of my feelings once and for all, lay it all out on the table and let the shame and the secrets dissipate, but he hadn't let me. Somehow, someway, he'd known what I was going to say and he'd shut me down. That was the only explanation.

  I shook my head and shuffled my feet again, looking up at Max and his dark brown hair, the tattooed zombie hands that encircled his neck, and his semi-permanent smile. He never really seemed to get upset or angry, almost like the polar opposite of Flor. Max was good looking, available, and currently, he was mine. I should be happy about that.

  “You okay there, Miss Abigail?” Theo asked me, tilting his head to the side and smiling like he knew something I didn't (which, who am I kidding, he probably did). He was wearing a black band T-shirt, combat boots, and a skirt. Although he wasn't technically dressed in drag, he still had on a dash of eyeliner and a smidge of lip gloss which, of course, reminded me of Flor. Not that Flor wore lip gloss, but in high school he used to wear eyeliner. He didn't anymore, but I guess I just had a one track mind.

  “Fine,” I lied as Max glanced down at me, wrinkling his brow a bit like he hadn't even realized something was wrong. Good. And let's keep it that way. Yuu mumbled something under his breath in Japanese and Theo chuckled. Even three years of straight A's in that class didn't help me translate. I figured it was something dirty and tried to steer the conversation towards the concert, before it got related back to Florian. Theo (and most likely Yuu) might know about what happened with Flor, but I didn't want Max to find out. Wouldn't that be fun? “So are these guys wor
th the ticket price?” I asked, trying to make a joke. For twelve bucks, there really wasn't much room to complain about anything.

  Theo and Yuu exchanged a look, obviously in regards to me and my blatant change of subject, but at least they took the bait.

  “Addi didn't play you any of their songs? They're all screechy and full of angst. I think in your current state, you'd absolutely lap it up,” Theo said with a naughty smirk. From what I could recall of our time in elementary school together, that look hadn't changed much over the years. Back then, of course, it had more to do with putting glue in Tyler Caprico's sandwich than it did with teasing me. Still, at least he winked at me when he said it, batting his lids with a false set of lashes. It made it almost worth it.

  I shook my head at Theo.

  “Nope. I don't think I've even heard a single one of their songs.” I smiled. “I came here on faith.” Max snorted and fumbled around for a cigarette in his pocket, racketing up his friendly smile into a grin. God, he was so oblivious, but I kind of loved him for it. Just not in the same way I loved Flor. Bleh.

  “Oh man, Abi. You're going to hate this. This isn't the light jazz/Billie Holiday type stuff you like to listen to. This is like, demon squalling, or something like that. Tons of screaming, some guitars, a drum, and bass. That's pretty much it.”

  “Oh stop it, this is art,” Yuu said, giving Max a look with a raised brow. “It's going to blow your mind and break your spirit, and then it's going to put you back together again.” He and his boyfriend exchanged a look and a kiss that made me flush and turn away. It was so … passionate (and I couldn't deal with passionate right now), but it'd be awfully nice if Yuu's words actually came true, if music really was or could be that powerful. I felt like my mind and my spirit – but most especially my heart – were fractured but still intact. If something could break them into pieces, let me start all over again, I'd face hell or high water to get my hands on that clean slate.