"It's going to be a good time, Sadie, you will see." Vivian affirmed.
Together they rode over to Ruby's house and hitched the buggy to the hitching rail out front. When they went inside Sadie was shocked to see such a fine house. Ruby had it decorated with all sorts of finery. There were beautifully colored rugs on the floor, the furniture was a dark cherry, A guitar laid against the wall. Sadie's mouth hung open. Never in her life had she seen such pretties.
Doilies lined the beautiful cherry carved furniture. Fine china was stacked at the table. Sadie had never seen such a table in her life, and piled high was presents, too.
Sadie's face drained of all color. "Are those all for me?" Sadie gasped.
"Oh yes, yes they are. Everyone in the community seemed to want to help you Sadie. And it won't be long now before the baby is here."
Sadie put on her fake smile and tried to say all the right things, but she was overwhelmed at the amount of presents. She'd never been in such a nice home. Not once had Jim let on to her that he had money.
"How can I ever repay everyone?" Her voice squeaked when she spoke.
"Don't you fret about that. I'm taking names down so we can send thank you notes later. Now the ladies should be arriving any time now. So you sit here in the rocker, as the guest of honor. This is so much fun, I've been looking forward to this day for a week, Sadie. Vivian, Mary Sue and I have had the greatest fun in doing this. And all the women have rejoiced at the preparations."
But Sadie hadn't. She felt she owed this town. How could she repay their kindness?
While Vivian and Ruby set the table and arranged everything, Sadie sat alone in the parlor waiting for the guests to arrive. Would she know them? She would have to remember them for this. Remember their names…
For someone who spent her life giving, Sadie was lost in receiving. It felt completely unnatural.
What was worse, she wasn't a bit happy about the baby. In fact, it was as though she had become numb to feeling lately. She prayed that it would change, but it hadn't. The closer she got to delivery, the more afraid she became. She so wished Elmer were here. She hadn't realized how much she had come to depend on him, for taking care of things.
Right now Sadie felt helpless.
Too much of a good thing would spoil her, she knew that. And Melville was way too much of a good thing. She longed to go home.
The closer she got to delivering her baby, the worse she felt about herself. She should be doing for these people. She had to find a way to repay them and quickly.
In a few minutes the guest began arriving. Every lady in town must have attended the party for her, she decided. She was introduced to so many, she lost their names in the crowd.
A huge cake was pulled out of the oven and iced, then set on the middle of the table for all to see. Sadie gasped. Never had she seen anything like it. And she had cooked for ages.
"I must get your recipes," She smiled at Ruby.
"I'll be glad to give them to you, after the baby is born. Since Jim and I have been married I've collected a lot of them from some of the other ladies here."
Sadie didn't want to talk about that. She didn't want to think about it either. Vivian had told her there would be a lot of pain, and Sadie wasn't looking forward to that. She was afraid of it all.
Truthfully she wanted to curl up into a ball and become non-existent.
She hadn't been completely honest with these people and it weighed on her.
But during the party she managed to portray a woman of gratitude and appreciation. She oohed and awed everything.
"Let's open the gifts first, so everyone can look at them while we have cake." Vivian insisted.
Ruby started bringing the boxes toward Sadie and Sadie couldn't hold back a tear. It ran helplessly, aimlessly down her cheek.
Everyone noticed, no one said anything, but the expressions on their face was one of pity.
She didn't want to be pitied. She wanted to go home and hide.
She wanted to make the baby go away.
She wanted Elmer!
However, reality hit her hard and she swallowed her pride and better intentions. She opened gift after gift. Home-made quilts, baby booties, home-made diapers, bottles bought from a fancy store, then Jim came in, smiled and went back out. She wondered why he was there at all, it was just ladies. But he came back with a beautifully decorated crib. He'd done the woodwork on it himself and Ruby and Vivian and Mary Sue had sewn the beautiful yellow cover for it. Sadie's eyes widened with surprise and tears rolled down her cheeks now freely.
"I never expected…well…I just never expected anything like this…." Sadie cried aloud.
Jim kissed her on the cheek and laughed. "We know that, Sadie. But we want you to be happy here. We want to help you get on your feet."
The ladies made over the crib so, touching it, and marveling at all the work it had taken.
Sadie just sat and stared at it.
The baby…the baby would sleep in that crib. The baby would have fine things despite her lack of them. Something lit inside Sadie at that moment. The doom she'd felt had nearly consumed her and now there was some strange kind of hope for the child she was about to bear.
She was glad.
It shocked her that she finally had some kind of reaction.
After all the presents were opened and Ruby and Mary Sue laid everything out for all to see, they offered everyone cake and coffee. Some of the women came up to talk to Sadie. She'd never been good with small talk, but she tried.
Sadie sat stiffly in the chair, but the smile on her face was real now.
She had an idea, and she only hoped it would work out.
She chatted with several of the ladies and everyone rejoiced at the coming birth of her baby.
It was late in the evening when Jim moved all the beautiful gifts to her shack. The place looked crowded now, with things everywhere.
But as Vivian was about to go, she stopped her.
"Would you stay and talk with me a while…" She asked, taking her hand.
"Of course, are you feeling okay?" Vivian asked with concern.
"I'm fine. But I didn't want to talk to you about this around the others."
Vivian's brows drew together. "My Sadie, you are mysterious."
Sadie sat in her rocker as Vivian made her some coffee and joined her. She had taken her gloves off and sat on the edge of the bed as she offered Sadie a cup.
"Now, what is it that you want to talk about?" Vivian asked, as her eyes went around the room. The things for the baby were so beautiful that Vivian envied her for a second.
"I ain't never had no baby before…" Sadie began.
"You are apprehensive." Vivian took her hand. "There is no need to worry. I'm very experienced at delivery, Sadie. I will take good care of you…"
"I have no doubt of that. But you said it would be painful, right…" Sadie eyed her perceptively.
"Yes, I cannot stop that." Vivian reassured her. "I'm sure you've read your bible, a woman goes through the gates of hell to deliver a baby into the world. And no one can change that."
"I read it I reckon, but I don't recall it. Doc, I know you lost a child…not long ago." Sadie began.
"Yes, I did…" Vivian seemed a bit uncomfortable. Her eyes clouded with emotion.
"And you wanted children, didn't you?" Sadie reached for her hand to console her.
"Of course. I think every woman wants children, Sadie. Some don't know it, but I think they all do."
Sadie's expression changed. "I don't…."
"Sadie…but of course you do…" Vivian insisted.
"No…I don't. And…well, I guess I better tell you why." Sadie pulled the rocker about so she could face Vivian. "First of all…look around you doc. You see the difference in this room. Over there, is all the pretty things for the baby, as it should be. Over here, is me, with nothing. I have nothing, Vivian."
"But that can change. Jim said he'd find you work at the café, if you wanted after the baby is born…"
"And believe me, I appreciate it. But look at me. I'm just past thirty, I have nothin'. I own nothin'. I can give the child nothin'."
"But that can change, Sadie." Vivian encouraged.
"In all these years, nothin' has changed for me."
"But Sadie…" Vivian took her hand. "You've spent nearly your entire life, doing for others. Don't you see. Perhaps your greatest gifts will come in heaven itself."
"That'll be too late for the baby, don't you see?"
Vivian tried not to show her concern, but Sadie knew her statement hadn't pleased the doc.
"Sadie…lots of women think this, before delivery. But I assure you…when it's all over, and they see that beautiful little face staring up at them…they change their mind." Vivian explained.
Sadie shook her head. "You don't understand. And unfortunately, I must explain, but it cannot go any further, than you and I. I've lived with this burden so long, and it's time I faced it and talked of it, with someone. It is driving me insane. I've already spoke to the Lord about it a few times."
"What burden?" Vivian's voice lowered.
"First, I want you promise that you won't share this with another soul."
Vivian shrugged to hide her confusion. "Of course Sadie. The doctor patient relationship is based on privacy. I cannot discuss some things. I'm sworn to it."
"Good. But you gotta understand this is not a doctor patient relationship with you and I. This is friend to friend." Sadie nodded. "It will make things easier."
Apprehension silenced the room. There were only the two of them sitting there. One wanting to confess, the other wanting to flee that confession.
"This baby will be born from sin." Sadie announced. "It's an innocent, but regardless, it is born of sin itself."
"Sin?" Vivian's brows drew together, a tension in her glance. Vivian stood up and paced.
"Yes, sin. This ain't easy to tell. It will upset you, startle you, embarrass you. You see…the baby's father…" Sadie began, and she paused to collect herself. "The baby's father…was my brother…"
Vivian glanced down at her, she stopped pacing and stared. For a moment the words didn't register.
Her mouth dropped open. Her shoulders visibly tensed. Her eyes glared at first, and then simmered, as though considering Sadie and her circumstances with some strange understanding.
"Are you sure?" Vivian groped for something to say. "I mean…isn't there other possibilities?"
"I'm sure. I never had no one else, Vivian. Only him. I loved him. God forgive me. It wasn't meant to be that way, but it was. We had no one, but each other, all our lives. Oh…I knew…deep down somewhere inside me it was wrong. But neither of us had anybody else. It was always just me and Elmer. He never courted anyone, I never got courted. At first it was only comfort, then it grew as we did. We had to sleep in the same bed all our lives and when we came of age…which was practically the same time, well, nature took its course. We loved each other, dearly. No one ever treated me so kind as Elmer did. And then when Elmer got religion, he couldn't live with himself any longer. He knew it was a sin. He had been an innocent until that moment. He felt shame. So he left. And that's why I know he won't be back. You see, I knew better all along. I was a Christian way before. It was my fault. Not his."
Vivian groped for a way to understand, she squeezed Sadie's hand. She had read where mountain people often did this kind of thing. But she never expected it from Sadie. It shocked her, and yet she had to hide that shock, for Sadie's sake.
"That's why you are so hesitant to love this child?" She bent over Sadie, looking into her tear-stained eyes.
"Yes...that's why." Sadie nodded, brushing a tear away as she spoke. "I got no feeling for it, Vivian. I wouldn't let myself feel for it. I knew it were wrong. I knew lovin' Elmer like that were wrong too. But we had no one else…" She turned away and cried like a baby into her pillow.
"But Elmer suddenly realizing the sin, and running off, and me…surprised to be pregnant and alone…I just don't have nothing to give now. I guess Elmer took it with him. Maybe I'm just cold and unfeeling. But I'd be lying if I told you I was happy about having a child. I'm not. I feel I have sinned so much that God might never forgive me. This baby will be born of that sin, to remind me. I'm not sure I can live with that." Sadie cried. "Every time I look at it, it will remind me of what I done wrong. I'm not sure I can live with that. I don't deserve to live…Vivian."
Vivian fell to her knees before Sadie, staring up into her tear stained eyes once more, her face full of compassion. She brushed Sadie's hair away from her face. She took her hands in hers and rubbed them gently. "Oh Sadie. God can forgive anything. Man might not, but God can. You must know that. You have to know that. A child…no matter…is a gift from God."
Sadie sighed loudly, as though hope had escaped her. The tears washed her face as she tried to get hold of herself. "I want…Miss Vivian, I want you to take my baby and raise it…"
"Sadie!" Vivian nearly screamed but stuffed her hand to her mouth. "You can't mean that."
"I do…very much. Of course, I can't stay here. Not after that. But even though I hold no love in my heart for this little one, I do want to do what is best for it. And I think letting you raise it as your own, would be best. I know you could give it what I can't. Love."
Vivian shook her head. "That is never the best…You will be the true mother! And whether you know it or not…somewhere…down deep you do love the child. You wouldn't care what became of it, if you didn't love it."
"Wouldn't you love it?"
"Of course I would, Sadie. Of course I would. But…I'd be taking your chance for a new life away. I'd be condemning you to a life of loneliness. You can't ask this of me…I can't do this to you. Don't you understand?"
Sadie hung her head, and the silence in the room was like a tight string waiting to break.
Sadie rubbed her belly, as the baby was up to antics today and Sadie wasn't.
"I must…not for me…but for this little one. I want to take the responsibility. I want to know I done good about the baby, even though I don't feel nothin' for it. I want to know it has a good home and someone who will love it forever. I guess when Elmer left…well, he took part of me with him. The part that loved others. This baby would be nothin' but a reminder of what we done. Eventually I might even come to blame it. I don't want to do that."
Sadie's voice weakened and the tears began to fall.
"You don't mean this Sadie. You can't. The very fact that you want what is best for the child proves you wrong. Don't you see?"
"I have to…" They cried together, holding each other tightly.
"But if everyone knew…if they suspected you gave your baby up, they would scorn you and you couldn't live here either." Vivian protested as she tried to wipe her tears away.
"I got that figured out. I've been doin' a lot of thinkin'. You'll have to say I died in childbirth."
"Died!" Vivian's eyes rounded on her. She stomped around the room. "No, I can't do that! Have you gone completely mad? I can't tell them like that!"
Vivian paced again, her expression full of emotions.
"It's the only way. You could have a fake funeral for me."
"That might mean more people would know."
"It wouldn't matter by then. I'd be gone. Gone back to Cross Timbers." Sadie explained. "Gone home."
"Why would you want to go back?" Vivian cried. "Cross Timbers is a dead town, Sadie. Don't you realize that by now? You'd soon be alone there. Don't you see?"
"It's my home. It always has been."
"But what if someone found out about it?" Vivian tried to reason with her.
"You will say I died in child birth. You said yourself, women die from it, sometimes."
"But the lies, the deceptions…I'm not sure I could live with myself. We'd be starting with lies, Sadie. Don't you see that?"
"Not even for the child's sake?" Sadie pleaded knowing how much the doc wanted a baby it was easy to coax her into this schem
e.
Vivian stared at her…
Sadie glanced at the floor. Shame washed over her, but she ignored it and went on. "It's all for the child, Vivian. And I can't think of anyone I'd rather have raising my kid, than you."
"We must think this over carefully, Sadie…" Vivian cried and pulled her into her arms.
Sadie nodded. "I been thinkin' all along."
"What would Elmer say, if he found out?"
Sadie put her head on Vivian's shoulder. "He never will. Elmer won't be back. I feel that in my bones. And he'll never know I had a child if he does come back. Whatever Elmer has found, it's better than what he had with me. And I'm happy for him. I want the baby to have the same chance. With me she would have poverty. I don't want that. I want the baby to live in a fine house, like you got. I want the baby to go to school and learn. I want the baby to be surrounded by people that love it."
"You wouldn't tell Elmer?"
"I couldn't do that. He's run away from me once, because of what we did. He wants to make a new life for himself. If he was coming back, he'd have been here long ago. And I want him to have the chance to make a life, too. I love him that much."
"And you don't love this baby?" Vivian accused. "You're very words say you do. You want what is best for the child. I can see that. But you aren't thinking rationally right now. You'll change your mind once the baby comes."
"I've tried, but it ain't there." Sadie cried out. "Please don't judge me…"
"Oh Sadie…I'd never judge you…but…"
"You think on it. Please, for my sake. You think on it real good." Sadie encouraged her. "I know you'd love this child. I'm not sure I ever would. I have a responsibility to see the baby has the best I can give it. And the best I can give it, is you…"
Vivian nodded. "Alright…" But she shook her head and wrung her hands together.
They sat there for hours, not talking so much as crying and a bond began to grow between them that had never been.
Before Vivian left, Sadie knew she had chosen well. Vivian was just the woman to raise her child. And the child would be protected and loved. If Vivian accepted it, it would be the right answer to both of their problems. Miss Vivian had suffered greatly at losing her child. Giving her another to replace that sorrow, would help her. And the life Sadie would lead now was not the life a child needed.
Bad Day for a Killing (Book Three of the Western Serial Killer Series) Page 12
