Altered

by Kimberly Montague

"With the way Devlin kept looking at you, him sitting by you, and you chatting with him on the bus, I don’t think it would be a stretch to say he’s figuring it out."

  "Crap, I was trying to be discreet."

  "Evie, he’s known you for ten years, I just don’t see how he couldn’t have picked up on it by now. You and Dev are weird together, it’s pretty obvious. Even my mom said so this morning."

  That worried me. "What do you mean weird?"

  "I don’t know. It’s tough to describe, but it’s like you’re super-focused on each other, like you're really close to each other. I don't know; it's like you’ve been married for a long time, and you know what the other person is going to do."

  "Oh." I could see how she would think that, heck, I’d felt that often enough. It was weird and apparently hard to hide.

  "I don’t know why you don’t just bring it all out in the open. It’s not like Jay is some little kid. He’s almost an adult. Don’t you think he can handle it?"

  Bending down to pick up more wood, I piled too much in my arms to keep myself busy. No, I really didn’t think he could handle it. Jay wasn’t strong. He’d never really had to face anything unpleasant, with the exception of my parent’s death. He had been close to my dad, especially. I remembered how he had come over to take care of me and comfort me after it happened, but not even an hour after he got there, I found myself comforting him. I’m sure he didn’t mean for it to end up that way, but it did. It made me realize how little Jay had struggled in his life. No, he certainly wasn’t strong enough, which was why the guilt consistently took me over.

  I was successfully ignoring Sonya’s question when Litsey came running up to us with excitement all over her face. "Come on, come on! Jay and Alec talked Mr. Berg into going on a hike to find the cave of the Mountain Devil! Anyone with hiking shoes can come, but he says we have to be back before nightfall. Hurry!"

  My shoulders fell in defeat. I didn’t have any hiking shoes, just my regular sneakers. Jay was likely going to shove Devlin off a cliff on this little adventure, and I wasn’t going to be there to stop it. The pile of wood I was carrying nearly fell out of my arms as we walked toward camp. Sonya left me to my thoughts as she dragged back a big log we found.

  Back at camp, we tossed our offerings into the pit, and Sonya ran off to change her shoes. I took a seat on the bench surrounding the pit and tried to organize my thoughts.

  "Evie?" Devlin was standing in front of me in his khaki shorts and white T-shirt with his hiking boots on all ready to go. "Aren’t you coming?"

  I shook my head and watched his feet move closer to me, refusing to lift my gaze.

  "Why not? If you’re scared of Jay, I can take care of him and the Mountain Devil all at the same time." He laughed a little, but then sat heavily on the bench beside me. "Come on." He bumped my shoulder with his. "What’s wrong?"

  "Why can’t you stay here with me?" I sounded pitiful, and sat up straighter in an attempt to look tougher.

  "It'll be fun." He smiled. "I promise. I hear the view is awesome."

  "Please, Devlin?" I tried so hard not to sound whiny or like I was begging, but it was in my tone, nonetheless.

  "Evie," he said seriously. "This is about more than some stupid cave."

  "I know," I agreed heavily. "That’s why I don’t want you to go."

  "And that’s why I have to." He moved his arm to rest on the bench behind me, letting his fingers make circles on the back of my neck.

  "No, you don’t. You’re doing this because of me, to prove something to Jay, but it doesn’t make any sense." Finally turning to look him directly in the eye, I pleaded with him through this connection we had. "You already got me, what do you have to prove?"

  "That I deserve you." He’d said it so quietly that I knew he meant it. He really felt that he had to prove to Jay that he deserved me. It was such a ridiculous idea that I shook my head at him. "No, I know you don’t understand, and I’m not asking you to. You think everyone sees the world the way you do, and I love that about you, but I have to prove myself not just to Jay, but to everyone. I do it daily. I like that they respect me, that they listen to me, I’m not gonna lose that to Jay, and I’m not gonna pretend I have something to hide from him. He lost you I didn’t take you from him. So go put on your shoes, and come see this cave. The hikers at the campsite down the way said the view is spectacular."

  Defeated, I closed my eyes. "I can’t."

  "Evie, please—"

  "No," I interrupted. "I really can’t. I don’t have any hiking shoes." I couldn’t look up at him. I don’t know if it was embarrassment over not having hiking shoes, embarrassment about being fought over, or frustration that I couldn’t change his mind, but my eyes didn’t have the courage to move higher than the ground. Devlin suddenly jumped up and ran off, leaving me alone again with my wallowing.

  Ten minutes later, as I watched the group get together talking excitedly, I turned to find Jay staring at me. He didn’t seem sad or angry, but he looked lost in thought. Was he rethinking this little excursion? I gave him a small smile, but he didn’t return it. Instead, his eyes shifted to the right of me, watching as someone wound their way through the crowd. I was just about to turn back to my bench to watch some of my classmates trying to start a fire, when Devlin pushed his way through the crowd carrying a pair of hiking shoes.

  I was so surprised that I just stared at him as if he’d lost his mind.

  "Here, put these on. Sonya said they’re close enough to your size. Hurry, the group is leaving."

  Clearly, I wasn’t reacting fast enough, since Dev proceeded to kneel in front of me, untying my sneakers. Looking up again, I noticed Jay looking like he wanted to throw something at me. I was smart enough to recognize that this wasn’t helping the situation. I mean, we were going on this stupid hike simply because Jay challenged Devlin and Devlin felt he couldn’t back down. Stupid testosterone-driven guys. I rolled my eyes and shook my head as I yanked off my shoes, neglecting to even untie them and shoved my feet into the hiking shoes.

  "Alright," I said, gritting my teeth. "Let’s get this over with." I didn’t even take the time to tie the stupid shoes, just started walking after the group that was starting to march off. At some point, Jay must have become uninterested in my shoe issues because he wasn’t visible anymore in the group of people walking away.

  "Whoa," Dev grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him. "Just wait a minute. You don’t have to come. It’s not a big deal, Evie. You just seemed upset about not being able to go, so I thought—"

  "No, I just—" I let out a very long sigh and let my head drop against his shoulder. "Dev, I'm just tired of feeling guilty and hiding and feeling guilty about not wanting to hide—it's just getting to me. I want to go where you go. I just wish things were different with Jay. I don't want to hurt him."

  He rubbed small circles on my back in a softly comforting way. "I know. It's one of the many things that makes me—like you so much. Come on and walk with me, we’ll hang in the back and avoid everyone."

  Regrets

  As we trudged our way up to the cave, Sonya spent half the time walking in the back with us and the other half walking with Gary. I couldn't help but wonder when they were finally going to give in to their feelings for each other. It was clearly not just attraction anymore.

  "So," Dev began. "Why don't you guys ever hang out at Gary's house?"

  Sonya looked over at me questioningly. I shrugged, not having a real reason or any reason at all, for that matter. "I don't know. It’s way over on the west side, so it's tough to get to, I guess."

  "West side?"

  His confusion confused me. "What?"

  "Evie, you do know he moved, right?"

  I glanced back over at Sonya who was nodding. I only vaguely remembered a move in the past, but I have to emphasize the word vaguely. "Um, I think so."

  "He moved to the east side, next door to me," he explained.

  "Next door to you? I—really?"

  "Y
ep, well, not in the traditional sense of the word. He lives about two miles from me, but his land is next to mine. I ride my horse over there all the time."

  I giggled. "Your horse?" This conversation was just loaded with new information for me.

  "Yeah, I have a horse. Well, four really. My whole family rides."

  "Are you like a real cowboy, Dev?" I teased.

  He arched his eyebrow high on his forehead looking very dashing. "I can be if you like that sort of thing." When he winked at me, as cheesy as it was, my heart still started bouncing around like a kid waiting to get into Disneyland. "What made you start calling me 'Dev?'"

  "Oh, I—don't know really. Is that—do you—mind?" How embarrassing that I'd given him a nickname without his permission.

  "It's weird, actually," he replied with an odd smile like he was trying to figure me out. "My parents are the only ones who call me that. My little brother started it. But there's no way you'd know that. I like that you call me that—it's just a little strange that you came up with it on your own."

  Sonya leaned forward, gaining my attention as she gave me that I-told-you-so look. Remembering our earlier conversation about Dev and me knowing each other for years, I had to admit that it was an odd coincidence.

  "Well." Sonya smacked Dev on the back. "It sounds like Gary's been holding out on us. We'll have to come see you on a horse in person, though."

  Leaning to smile at Sonya, I answered, "Definitely!"

  "What? You don't believe I ride?" Dev nudged me in the arm, smiling.

  "No," I corrected. "I just didn't know you were such an animal lover."

  "Sure. I love animals. I've ridden a horse since I was a kid. Not that I should be telling you two untrusting girls, but I used to think I would grow up to be a rodeo star. I had the whole big belt buckle with my name on it and everything."

  Sonya couldn't hold back her full-fledged laughter at that. I managed to do a bit better, but lost it altogether when I couldn't hold back the question, "Did you wear tight Wranglers and cowboy boots, and walk around saying 'Yeehaw?'"

  He shook his head smiling as he rolled his eyes. "Have you ever ridden a horse?" he challenged.

  Okay, he had me there, but I'd seen it on TV. I shook my head and tried to reign in my laughter. When I had it under control, I thought it safe to continue the conversation. "So you're an animal guy?"

  "Yep, I love animals."

  We had reached a steeper climb, and I found myself working quite a bit harder to stay on my feet instead of my butt. Even Dev seemed to be concentrating more. Sonya, who had been hiking several times with Gabriel, was the only one hardly breaking a sweat as she led the way.

  I remembered the way Butcher immediately shoved his head under Dev's hand for attention. "That must be why Butcher took such a quick liking to you."

  Dev chuckled a bit as he steadied himself on a rock. "No, Butcher only likes me because he knows I'm in love with you."

  Whoa! My brain and my body came to a grinding stop, leaving me unable to move or process what had just happened. Did he just say he loved me? My eyes felt the size of flying saucers, and I couldn't speak, heck, I couldn't breathe. Love me?

  Watching him intently, I saw the exact moment that he realized what he had said. He turned to see why I had stopped, his head tilted slightly as he clearly replayed the words that had just come out of his mouth. His eyes got large, and he opened his mouth as if to say something, but nothing came out.

  "I—I—" he stuttered.

  In my peripheral vision, Sonya was smiling as she slapped him on the back a few times. "Yeah, I think this is where I get off," she said before walking ahead of us.

  "Evie—I—" He shook his head.

  This was fast… too fast. Did he really mean it? Did I love him back? I mean, of course I felt strongly about him. I'd never been attracted to anyone in my life like I was attracted to him. But it was much more than that. He was something I never expected, never had any idea I could feel so strongly about. We had some sort of supernatural connection that made every single atom in my body bounce around inside me like some kind of magical ricocheting bullet. But was I in love with him? Was it fair for me to be in love with him when I had just broken up with Jay?

  "Wait." His hands were in front of him in the international sign for "don't shoot." "I didn't mean to say it like that—I mean, I meant it, but—" He ran his fingers through his hair like he always did when he was agitated and nervous. "Evie, I know—it's too soon for you. I don't want you to—I mean I want you to—but I don't want—there's no pressure here. You don't have to say anything. We can forget I even said it. In fact, let's just do that. Let's forget I even said it."

  All I was capable of was continuing to stand there like an idiot staring at him wide-eyed.

  He launched forward, grabbing my hands and bending his knees so that he could see eye-to-eye with me. "Say something."

  I was still having so much trouble processing what he had said. Sure, Jay had told me he loved me a million times, but this was different—totally different. This felt so, I don't know, just different. And it wasn't just because this was the first time he was saying it, it was because he'd meant it, even as offhand as the remark was, he'd meant it in a way I wasn't ready for. And it scared me so much that I couldn't move. This was just too much too fast with such a high likelihood to crash and burn that I couldn't see anything but the fear in front of me. This was all just too big of a change from what I had known a "relationship" to be that I could literally feel myself trembling in uncharted territory.

  "I—I'm s—scared," I managed to stumble out.

  He pulled me into his arms, wrapping me in warmth where it seemed nothing could affect me. Did that mean I loved him? "Hey now," he whispered gently in my ear, "it's okay. I just want to be with you." He held me tightly, kissing the top of my head. "Besides, it's not like you can resist my charms forever. I mean come on this is me we're talking about. You'll be professing your undying love for me in no time." The sweet smile in his voice made me cuddle further into him. With a quick squeeze, he let go of me and pulled back. "We should go before they notice we're not with them." I nodded, and he leaned down to place a slow and very innocent kiss on my lips.

  I grabbed onto his hand until we came back in sight of the group. It turns out, I was able to move much more quickly when I was focusing on something else. I obsessively thought about how I could dig my heart out of the several layers of fear that kept me from really knowing how I felt.

  When we got closer to the pack, Sonya and Gary were just in front of us… holding hands.

  "Do you see that?" Dev asked me, smiling.

  "It's about freaking time," I said quietly. But I knew it wouldn't last, not in "public" anyway, and I was unfortunately right since they dropped each other's hands the second they saw us noticing. I raised my eyebrow at Sonya and gave her the you-are-so-going-to-spill-later look. Of course, she put her hand on her hip and shot me the exact same look in response—touché.

  We seemed to reach a bend in the pathway we were following—I certainly wouldn't call it a "trail," but I could be persuaded to see it as a small path. The rock formations were something I hadn't seen before, but when we turned that corner of sorts, the sight took my breath away. It was so beautiful. The way the mountains created a backdrop of layer upon layer expanding as far as the eye could see and seemingly touching the clouds themselves was just awe-inspiring.

  Everyone had stopped to take in the view with their cameras and cell phones in hand. Mr. Berg pointed out Mount Whitney, the highest peak in the contiguous United States, further impressing upon us the wonder of what met our eyes. I found myself stepping closer to Dev—wanting to be closer to him, to share it more thoroughly with him. His pinkie finger captured mine, hidden by our bodies, and he squeezed gently. Connecting eyes with him, I didn't need to hear him say anything—it was as if we could communicate telepathically. I just smiled at him, knowing he understood how much more it meant to be here sharing this
with him. Did that mean I was in love with him? I still didn't know.

  After being lost in the rocks and trees and mountains and deep blue sky and white fluffy clouds moving past us, Mr. Berg herded us onward citing the "impending sunset" as the reason to "make haste." Teachers could be cute sometimes with their attempts to impress us with their vocabulary.

  About twenty minutes later, and after climbing across some pretty impressive house-sized boulders, I could hear the students in the front begin to excitedly announce that they could see the cave. When it came into view for me, perched higher up than where our path wound us, a severe and sudden chill ran down my spine.

  The sense of foreboding and dread settled heavily in my chest, and I immediately turned to Dev. "Don't go in there."

  "We talked about this," he said softly for my ears only. "I'll be fine; there's nothing to worry about. But you know I have to do this."

  "Dev, it's just, I have a really bad feeling about this. Please don't go in there."

  "It'll be fine." He was using the tone you would use to soothe a frightened child, and in that moment, I was. "I won't even be gone that long. We'll go in, see that there's no crazy monster, and leave. No big deal."

  I nodded because I had nothing else to say—no legitimate argument—even though I tried my darnedest to think of one as we climbed closer and closer to the mouth of the cave. It was so dark inside. It felt so odd, like it was watching us, like something was watching us from inside. It was like standing in your well-lit house at night trying to see out the window in to the darkness. You couldn't see anything, but you just knew something was there and that something could see you with perfect clarity. Eerie would be an understatement.

  Mr. Berg walked closer to the cave, shining a flashlight inside, but after a moment of inspection, he took three very sizable steps backward. "Ugh! It smells awful in there." He wrinkled his nose and shook his head.

  "It's the dead bodies!" one of the girls in the crowd squealed, followed by some nervous chatter.

  "What are we, in some kind of scary movie spoof?" Mr. Berg was clearly annoyed by the crowd's reaction. He rolled his eyes and shined the flashlight into the cave in an attempt to show us. "It's just a cave. It doesn't smell like dead bodies, it smells like mold. Does anyone see any blood around? How would dead bodies get in there without leaving a trail of blood?"