Hunting Witches

by Jeffery X Martin

  “Good,” Graham said and he headed towards his car.

  Tamara turned to Kevin and asked, “What’s that smell?” Kevin rolled his eyes and turned away. Now he smelled bad, ha ha ha. So mature.

  ***

  Graham knocked twice, then poked his head into Doctor Mike’s office. “Hello?”

  Doctor Mike was sitting at his desk, filling out forms. “Just a second,” he said, without looking up. “Let me sign off on a couple things and… okay.” He slammed his pen down and looked up.

  “Sheriff! Hello. What a surprise.” Mike scooted his chair back and stood up.

  The two men shook hands. “Please, have a seat,” Doctor Mike said. Graham took the chair in front of the dentist’s desk. Mike sat back down, too, and leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head. It was a power stance. And why not? Graham thought. A man in his office should feel at ease, the king of his domain.

  “What can I do for you this afternoon, Sheriff?” Doctor Mike asked. Graham answered by placing two folded up pieces of paper on his desk.

  “What are these?” Doctor Mike asked.

  “These are search warrants,” Graham said. “One for your private residence, one for here.”

  “What the hell for?”

  “Doctor Mike, I’d like to ask you a few questions.”

  “Why do you have search warrants?”

  “The warrants are here on your desk. They are not currently being used. Whether I use them or not depends on the answers I get from you in the next few minutes.”

  “Are you threatening me?”

  “Do I need to?”

  Doctor Mike leaned back his head and laughed. “You’re clever,” he said. “I like you! Of all the sheriffs we’ve had, you may be the first one with a sense of humor.”

  “I’m failing to see the humor here,” Graham said.

  “That’s even better!” Doctor Mike said. “You’re clever and somewhat oblivious. What a delightful combination! Oh, this will be fun. So what’s this all about, Sheriff Strahan? I voted for you, you know.”

  Graham cleared his throat. “Do you know Mark and Nika Pendleton?”

  “Oh, fucking hell,” Doctor Mike said. “Yeah, I know them. Twats, both of them. What, did they file a complaint? Press charges? You got a restraining order with you, too?”

  Graham raised his hand. “No, no, no. Slow down. They’re dead.”

  “Dead?”

  “Dead. Murdered.”

  Doctor Mike’s eye widened and his mouth became an ‘O’ shape. “Oh, I get it! You think I… oh, Sheriff. This is rich! I’m so glad you stopped by. Shutting your case against me down is going to be the absolute highlight of my day.”

  “Where were you last night, Doctor Mike?” Graham asked.

  “I was at home with my wife. We had a guest. We were entertaining.”

  “And this guest can corroborate that?”

  “Oh, I would think so,” Doctor Mike smirked. “She’s a consenting adult. Barely.”

  “We’ll deal with that in a few minutes,” Graham said. “I have it on good authority that your meeting with the Pendletons did not go well.”

  “That’s being diplomatic,” Doctor Mike said. “It’s all my wife’s fault. She meant well, of course, but she had no idea just how incompatible we would be with the Pendletons.”

  ***

  It had been a beautiful evening, with a slight cool wind. Doctor Mike was driving. Sarah called shotgun. Mark and Nika had the backseat. The car was comfortable and clean, and Mike was a cautious driver.

  “It’s kind of a curvy road,” Mike said. “Hope you don’t mind if I drive like a grandpa.”

  “I drive it every day,” Mark said. “I’ve seen some gnarly wrecks on this stretch of road.”

  “Oh, this is so cute!” Sarah said. She pointed at her husband, then to the backseat at Nika’s husband. “Mike! Mark! Mike! Mark! So many ‘M’s!’ It’s almost like you’re brothers!”

  Mark laughed politely, then leaned over to Nika. “Oh, dear Lord, she’s crazy,” he whispered. “What the fuck have you gotten me into?”

  “Ease down, Paleface,” Nika whispered back. “It’s just one night.”

  “Hey, maybe we are related, Mark,” Mike said, over his shoulder. “Do you have any family in Sicily?”

  “Sure don’t, Mike,” Mark said.

  “Me, either!” Mike said. “The odds just went up!”

  Mark shifted in his seat, wondering if anyone would notice if he quietly slipped off his seatbelt, opened the door and did a quick tuck and roll into the ditch alongside the road.

  “So what’s the name of the place we’re eating?” Nika asked.

  “It’s a French restaurant called L’agneau Abbatus,” Mark said. “Very fancy. Very chic. That’s why we have to wear ties and fancy shoes. Except the girls, of course. No ties for them! At least, not right now.”

  Sarah’s eyes widened. “Oooh, Dr. Mike,” she cooed. “I love it when you talk light BDSM.” She stroked Mike’s cheek with her finger and licked her lips. Mike took a hand off the steering wheel and slipped it under Sarah’s dress. Nothing was audible in the vehicle except their heavy breathing, and a new heavy scent permeated the air.

  “Hey, I love French food,” Mark blurted. “Except for snails! Nope! Don’t like those snails! Kinda gross.”

  Mike put his hand back on the wheel quickly, and Sarah started smoothing her dress. “Yeah, the food is, uh, pretty good here,” Mike said. “Lots of garlic and truffle oil.”

  “Oil,” Sarah said dreamily.

  Mark shot Nika a look that said he would never forgive her for putting him through this. Nika’s look in return implored him to relax and try to have a good time. Mark lowered his head a little and raised his eyebrow, meaning that she had better make worth his time. Nika turned up the corner of her mouth in a sly smile, which assured him that she would. Mark nodded. He was fine with that. Nika reached over and squeezed his hand. It was going to be an okay night after all.

  “And here we are!” Mike said. He whipped the sedan into the restaurant’s parking lot in between two pickup trucks. “Boo-yah!” he cried, and opened the door. Sarah got out and placed her arm in the crook of Mike’s elbow.

  “This is going to be a story we tell our grandchildren,” Nika said.

  “Not if we get tied up in Mike and Sarah’s Torture Dungeon of Doomed Love,” Mark replied. They exited the car, clasped hands and followed Mike and Sarah into the lobby.

  The restaurant was a candlelit affair, and strange shadows spasmed on the red velvet wallpaper, decorated with stars and fleur-de-lis. As the hostess gathered up menus, Sarah told Nika, “You’re going to love it here. Listen to the music! All they play is Celine Dion!”

  “You’re fucking kidding me,” Mark said.

  “I know! Isn’t it great?” Sarah folded her hands under her chin and giggled.

  “But Celine Dion is Canadian, isn’t she?” Mark asked.

  “French Canadian,” Mike said. “French.”

  The hostess showed them to a corner booth. The bench seats were black and cushy.

  “Hey, Mark,” Mike said, “how about the men take the inside seats? You know how often girls have to pee. Might as well let them have an easy exit, huh?”

  “Sure,” Mark said, and he scooched in behind the table as Nika watched. The vinyl upholstery rubbed against Mark’s pants, making loud sounds. Mike and Sarah laughed out loud.

  Mike pointed and said, “It’s the mating call of the bunghole!”

  “Actually, it’s the seat…”

  “It usually is!” Mike said as he soundlessly sat down. Sarah slid in next to him, while Nika took her place next to Mark.

  “Can I get you something to drink?” the hostess asked.

  “Sure,” Mike said. “I want you to bring us the cheapest white wine you have, and bring us a lot of it.”

  The hostess nodded. “All right!”

  “I mean it,” Mike said, pointing at the hostess. “Don’t f
uck with me on this. I want a lot of wine.”

  The hostess’s cheeks grew flushed, and she walked away mumbling something about a server being right with them. Sarah snuggled up to her husband.

  “Oh, Dr. Mike. You’re so assertive!”

  “The night’s young,” Mike said.

  “Hello, my name is Tanner,” said the server, who had approached so as not to interrupt. “I’ll be your server tonight. Can I interest you in some appetizers?”

  “Tanner?” Mike asked. “What kind of name is Tanner for a girl?”

  “It’s the one my father gave me, sir,” Tanner said, keeping eye contact with Mike the whole time.

  “Heh. And what did your father do for a living, young lady?”

  Tanner crossed her arms. “He created handmade leather jackets for motorcycle gangs. We still keep in touch. Nice guys, for the most part.”

  Mike smiled. “You’ve got a smart mouth,” he said. “I like it. Nice teeth, too. Local dentist?”

  “Yes, sir,” Tanner said.

  “Well, well. Fine. We’ll have the tapenade and the brie in puff pastry, please. And please, get that white wine here as quickly as possible. Daddy’s got a thirst.”

  Tanner wrote down the order and marched towards the kitchen, Mike’s eye firmly focused on her ass while she walked.

  “Good goddamn,” he said. “What do you figure, Sarah? Nineteen? Twenty?”

  “About that,” she said, and Mike nodded.

  “Going to keep that in mind,” he said. He slapped the tabletop with both palms, making Mark and Nika jump. “But we’re not here to talk about the hired help! We’re here to talk about you guys! Mark and Nika! Here to find out about you! Sarah’s very taken with you, Nika. You seem to be all she talks about these days.”

  Nika cleared her throat. “Well, she’s been sweet to me. Showing a newcomer around like she has can be hard work sometimes.”

  “Depends on the company,” Sarah said. “And you are a delight.”

  “Thank you,” Nika said.

  “Sarah tells me you’re a code monkey, Mark,” Mike said. “That’s got to be interesting work.”

  “Well, I’m the chief of research and development for Dynagraph, here in Bell Plains,” Mark said. “We create websites and apps.”

  “That sounds fun,” Mike said, “and I’m being serious. Computers just fascinate me. Hell, I remember when people were using slide rules and protractors and shit. Now there are calculators, graphing calculators, home computers, it’s like a miracle!”

  “It’s the future now, for sure,” Mark said. “And you are a dentist?”

  “Well, let’s be honest here, Mark,” Mike said. “I do dental work, but I wouldn’t really call myself a dentist. It’s not like I have a license or anything. I just read a lot of books, bought some tools. Office space is pretty cheap in the Keep and it just seemed like the thing to do.”

  Mark laughed, but he wasn’t sure if Mike was teasing him or not. Before he could ask for clarification, Tanner came back to the table with two bottles of white wine. Mike spread his arms, welcoming the alcohol to the table.

  “Oh, thank Bacchus,” he said, looking at the label. “Christ, this is swill. Absolute swill. Tanner, bring two more bottles, stat. And where the fuck is our tapenade?”

  “It’s coming, it’s coming,” Tanner said, and she hustled off to the back.

  “You don’t use any kind of computerized equipment in the office, Mike?” Mark asked.

  Mike shook his head. “Hell, no. I’ve got a flashlight, a drill, some pliers and a bright light. Besides the chair and some music, that’s all I need.”

  “And anesthetic, of course,” Nika added.

  “Most of that comes home with me,” Mike said. “Shit, if you’ve got nitrous, why waste it all on patients? How about you, Nika? What do you do?”

  Nika took a sip of the terrible wine. “Well, I have a Bachelor’s degree in botany.”

  “Plants and shit?” Mike asked. “That’s fuckin’ cool. I bet you could grow some kick-ass weed.”

  “I could,” Nika said, “if it weren’t so darned illegal.”

  “Yeah, that’s a bitch,” Mike said. “I think it should be decriminalized. Hell, I think most things should be decriminalized. Drugs, prostitution, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, all that. Let it go. Let the world be ruled by action and instinct. Natural ebb and flow.”

  “That sounds like a dangerous world, Mike,” Mark said.

  “It is already a dangerous world, Mark! Unseen perils all around you. Take Sarah and I, for example. You’re out here to dinner with us. I drove, so you don’t have a ready means of transportation home. You’re at a restaurant I picked. Right now, you are literally at our mercy. And what do you really know about us? Fuck all nothing. We could be maniacs. We could be monsters! Worse yet, we could be Mormons, just waiting for the right time to bring out our religious literature.”

  Mike did not blink or smile. He glared at Mark and Nika, waiting for one of them to say something. Mark and Nika had clasped hands under the table.

  “Are you?” Nika asked.

  “Mormons?” Mike said. “Nah. Those fuckers are crazy.”

  He laughed suddenly, a sincere guffaw, and he pointed at the Pendletons, waggling his finger. “Your faces! You should see the look on your faces. Absolutely priceless.”

  Plates hit the table. “Your tapenade,” Tanner said, moving things about for easy access.

  “Nice,” Mike said. “Hey, crack these other two bottles of vino for us, will ya? And listen, what time do you get off tonight?”

  “Are you serious?” Tanner asked.

  “Yeah, I’m serious. Fuckin’ A, I’m serious.”

  Tanner crossed her arms. “You think you’re hot shit, don’t you?”

  “No,” Mike said. “I’m simply asking if you would like to come home with my wife and me.”

  “And do what?”

  Mike shrugged. “Play, of course.”

  Tanner rolled her eyes and marched off in a huff.

  “She seems fun,” Sarah said. “Feisty.”

  “No kidding,” Mike said. “Worse ways to spend an evening.”

  “So is this how we get to know each other?” Mark said. “You invite us out for dinner, then you act rudely, you try to scare my wife and me, you’re well on your way to being shitty drunk, which I really appreciate, driver, and you attempt to pick up our server for a threesome! We haven’t even ordered our entreés yet! What do you do for dessert? Jack off on the petit four?”

  “I can,” Mike said, and he pushed himself up onto his knees, knelt on the nicely upholstered bench seat and unzipped his pants.

  “Michael, no!” Sarah exclaimed. “We haven’t even talked about dessert yet!”

  Mark slapped the table top. “That’s it,” he huffed. “That’s it, we’re leaving, thank you for a horrible time, you people are crazy. Nika, grab your stuff. Let’s go.”

  Nika clutched her purse and the Pendletons scooted out of the booth.

  “Nika! Call me!” Sarah called.

  Mike sat back down. “They’re no fun. I thought you said they were fun, Sarah.”

  Sarah shrugged. “Nika seemed fun,” she said. “I had never met him before.”

  “He seems kind of stiff, you know? Guy needs to loosen up a little.”

  ***

  “Your behavior was atrocious,” Graham said. “Especially for a first date.”

  “Bah. I was just fuckin’ around, Sheriff,” Doctor Mike said. “It’s fun to see how people react in odd situations.”

  “And that was the first and last time you saw them.”

  “Well, yeah,” Doctor Mike said. “They weren’t fun. I don’t hang out with people who aren’t fun.”

  “You’re sure?”

  Doctor Mike laughed. “Just ask me if I killed the Pendletons.”

  “Did you murder Mark and Nika Pendleton?”

  “No. I didn’t like those people, but I didn’t hate them. I
didn’t give a shit either way. Don’t you have to feel something about someone before you kill them?”

  “Sometimes,” Graham said, “people kill other people just for fun.”

  “Well, that may be true, but it doesn’t matter. Last night, I was at home with my wife and she can verify that.”

  “Can anyone else?” Graham asked. “I mean, it’s easy to get your wife to do what you ask her to do.”

  “Well, then, Sheriff, you should talk to her,” Doctor Mike said.

  “I have every intention of doing precisely that.”

  “Good!” Doctor Mike said. “You can talk to my alibi, too. At least, I assume she’s still at the house.”

  “Who are you talking about?”

  The corner of the dentist’s mouth turned up ever so slightly. “Why, every home needs a wine wench, Sheriff, don’t you think?”

  “The girl from the restaurant?”

  “She’s young, but she’s old enough, Sheriff,” Doctor Mike smirked. “She does as she pleases, and she’s pleased when she’s done.”

  “Huh,” Graham said. “Yeah, I think I’m gonna go search your house. Talk to your wife and your play toy. See what I can find.”

  Doctor Mike slapped his desk with the flats of his palms. “You will find a whole lot of nothing, Sheriff, nothing! There are murderers roaming the Keep, and you’re going to waste your time delving into my personal life? Let me tell you something, Sheriff. You’re hunting for the Devil.” The doctor spread his arms wide. “I’m just an imp.”

  “I’ll try to be nice,” Graham said. “I won’t throw all your books on the floor and I won’t confiscate your computers and hard drives. Oh, wait… I’m going to do exactly that.”

  “I didn’t kill the Pendletons!” Doctor Mike cried. “I didn’t give enough fucks about them to make that kind of decision!”

  “Look, mister,” Graham said. “I’m the law around these parts. Did you like that? Was that ‘angry cop’ enough?”

  “Oh, yes,” Doctor Mike said. “Very James Arness of you”

  “Well, it happens to be true. I am the law around these parts. And I’m going to fuck your shit up until I’m satisfied you had nothing to do with killing Mark and Nika Pendleton.”