by Mia Ford
Life… I can almost see that word scaring Tamara. Right now, she doesn’t really have much of a routine, no work to get to, nothing to give her purpose, just the planning of our trip. But if she needs routine then we can’t exactly be travelling around the world, can we? That won’t help her at all.
But what should I do? Should I tell her to sort her life out and go alone, just like I planned in the first place, or should I wait for her? To be honest, I don’t even know why that’s a consideration, I already know what I’m going to do. Tamara has changed me, she’s become so important to me, I will do anything for her. If that means putting the trip on hold until she’s feeling up to it, then so be it. I’m willing, for her.
“What sort of things will be in the plan?” I pipe up, wanting to do something useful. “Anything Tamara can be doing at home to help herself? I heard that talking and brain training games can help?”
“Yes, that’s always good to be doing.” The doctor clasps his hands together. “I would agree with that. Also exercise as well, I know that might be the last thing you feel like doing right now, but it boosts your immune systems and sends endorphins racing around your body which can help. Also, there’s something to be said for a positive mental attitude. I’ve seen it make a massive difference in people’s lives. Especially in a case like this.”
I nod slowly, drinking in every word the doctor speaks as if it’s gold dust, but I’m not sure that Tamara feels the same way. I hope she can take in the advice somewhat but this news has sent her sinking fast and it might take a while. Still, with me by her side it’ll be okay. Or so I hope. I have confidence in myself, I think, I just want to be able to pull it off…
“There are many therapy techniques that might work, also physiotherapy has been useful to some. I will also recommend hypnosis, which I know sounds a bit much when you first hear it, but it can be great.”
“Hypnosis?” Tamara snorts angrily. “Oh, wonderful that’s just great…”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” I jump in, trying to help out. “You should give it a try, right?”
She turns that glare onto me instead, but I refuse to be intimidated by it. It’s okay, now that I know it’s just her walls up I don’t mind so much. She’ll let them down, she did it before and she’ll do it again.
“Fine,” Tamara eventually gives in. “Whatever. I’m willing to try anything by this point.” She stands up and heads towards the door making me scurry up to catch her. I don’t want to be left behind when she’s acting so unpredictably. “Can we get out of here now? You don’t have anything else to say to me, do you?”
The doctor must be used to this sort of attitude, despite the fact that he’s only trying to help, because he doesn’t bat an eye lid. “Sure, no worries, and we will be in touch with another appointment soon.”
Tamara rolls her eyes but the doctor doesn’t even notice. He’s typing at his computer at the speed of light, probably already mentally onto the next patient. From this point onwards, it’s up to me.
22
Tamara
The fact that no one gets it is the hardest thing, that’s the part I really can’t take. Sure, it might only be the odd spots of memories, to others that might not make it seem too bad, but to me it’s devastating. Just knowing that there are parts of my life completely blacked out to me is really tough. It’s like I’ve been drunk and now everyone can remember my stupid behavior but me. Especially since I acted really out of character.
I want to continue being around Logan, it’s honestly been a lot of fun, but now I can hardly stand to look at him without thinking about the shrill version of me who yelled at him for spilling coffee on him. I just can’t see me doing it, it’s so weird. The more I think about it the less it seems like me…
But Katherine described the scene much like Logan did, backing up everything that he said, even telling me that I was quite cruel, which of course only makes me feel even worse about everything that happened.
I lift my cell phone up in front of me wondering who I should call. I could ring Logan, he’s always telling me to speak to him the moment I’m concerned about anything, but I can’t hear that endless sympathy in his voice again. He makes me feel all weird, everything is completely tainted between us now. The more that I think about the future we planned, the more it slips through my fingers. I don’t even know if we’re together anymore, I know he wants us to be but I’m not sure where my feelings lie, and the trip hasn’t been mentioned at all.
No, I don’t want to call him, he can’t make me feel any better. I roll through the numbers in my contacts until I get to Katherine’s. I should call her instead, she’ll talk me out of this funk again. She’s done it a few times before. But there’s an odd sense in my chest that I don’t really want to speak to her either. Much as she’s been good she very much thinks that I shouldn’t wallow and I should just move on. I don’t know if I can.
I sigh loudly, dropping my phone on the table and I move over to the window. I don’t know what I want to do exactly, just that I want to get out. These four walls are closing in on me, driving me nuts, I need to breathe freer again before the depression swallows me whole and completely consumes me alive. It’s on the edge already.
Without even thinking about it, I leave my phone where it is and I grab my keys instead. I head towards the front door without a destination in mind. It hardly matters anyway, I don’t need to be anywhere right now, I just need to do something that will calm my thoughts down. Something to numb the pain.
I soon feel the same claustrophobic sensation out on the streets, the city is always so busy. There are people everywhere, banging into me with each and every step. My lungs squeeze tight, I can hardly get any air into them at all. Being outside is all well and good except I can’t get any space. I need to get to the park, which is only a short walking distance, but somehow, I don’t quite make it all that way. I stumble across the first dive bar I find and I head inside. Drink, I need drink. Just one or two to calm me down, then I’ll head to the park.
“What can I get you?” the friendly looking bar maid asks me. She flicks her dark black hair over her shoulder, causing the snake tattoo across her chest to ripple and shake. It’c sool and dark, just like her clothing. The only thing shining on her is he silver line under her eyes which matches her lip piercing. She looks like a grown up goth, but in the best way possible. “You look like you could use something strong.”
“Strong, yes,” I gasp back while sliding onto a sticky bar stool. “That sounds perfect.”
It’s dark in here, the light of the outside world is blocked out which makes me notice how sensitive my eyes have been up until this point. I find that I can actually smooth out my face now which is something. I dart my eyes from side to side to see what other people are in here but there’s only a drunk old man asleep at the other side of the bar. His fingers are clutched around the glass but he’s definitely snoring loudly.
His head slumps forward, hitting the bar with a thump. I brace myself, preparing for him to wake up, but he’s too wasted for that. The bump doesn’t even affect him at all.
“Yep, don’t worry about Ol’ Bill, there.” She nods her head towards him. “He’s been asleep for hours.”
“Right.” I take the drink from her, knocking it back without even asking what it is. It’s so strong it makes my throat burn but that heat feels good. It blocks out the agony inside my brain. “Thank you.”
“Would you like another?” I nod yes. “I thought so. You seem like you do. I’m Sia, by the way,”
“Hi, Sia. I’m Tamara.” I shake my head and smirk with bemusement. “At least, I think I am.”
“You think?” She leans on her elbows and gets her head closer. “Now that sounds like a story. As I’m sure you can imagine, this place is boring most of the time. Why don’t you lighten up my day?”
That sounds intoxicating, the ability to share with someone new, someone that I don’t even know so her opinion won’t matter too much -
although she is cool and I’d like her to think the same of me. I don’t particularly want to go through the whole sorry saga again, but the shot of drink has loosened my lips. I find the words coming out without me even meaning them to. “Okay, but it’s a doozy, so be prepared…”
“I can honestly say that you’re a first,” Sia shakes her head and chuckles at me. “I haven’t quite met anyone like you before, and I don’t think I will again. I’m so glad you walked in to Puzzles today.”
I lift my glass up in a cheers gesture, almost tumbling backwards as I do. Either I’m swaying or the whole world is. Perhaps I’m in the middle of an earth quake or something. I’m not too sure. I don’t know how long I’ve been here either, but then again, I don’t know much of anything anymore. Not that it matters.
“I’m glad I came in here too.” Oops, I might be slurring my words a bit. “It’s been fun, Sia.”
“So, this amnesia… it sounds awful.” Her understanding fills up my chest with a warmth. She gets me, she knows me more than all the people who have known me my entire life. “It must be dreadful.”
“Oh, it is. It really is, I don’t remember little really important things like Logan.”
“Logan?” She wipes a dirty cloth across the much too stick bar which somehow makes me laugh. It’s not funny really, but I can’t seem to stop giggling like an idiot. “The guy from the train, right?”
“Yep. The guy who I met twice on the train. Not that I remember the first one, of course.”
“He sounds really nice though, he’s been really understanding.”
“Yeah.” I pout out my bottom lip. “I suppose he has but I don’t much know him anymore. Not like he does me. Am I being crazy? Am I pushing away someone that I actually like over something dumb?” Sia doesn’t immediately give me an answer which makes me groan loudly. “Oh no, you do, don’t you?”
I watch Old Bill, seeing his head hanging even lower. If he’s not careful then he’ll end up falling to the ground and banging his head. He might even end up like me, with amnesia from that bump…
“Wait!” I leap up with excitement and race to behind the bar. The strong drinks that Sia has given me have loosened everything up, including my inhibitions. I would never normally act this way but it feels right. “I need a bottle of wine. Do you have one? Ooh, look you have loads in the refrigerator there.”
“Wait, woah, what are you doing?” Sia tries to stop me from pulling the fridge open but I have some odd inner strength that beats her hands down. “I can’t responsibly let you drink a whole bottle of wine when you’re drunk.”
“Oh no.” I give her a bemused look. “This isn’t for me to drink. I’m not crazy.”
“It’s not to drink? Then what is it for?” I point to Old Bill and she follows my eye line. “Not for him?”
“No, silly.” I giggle. How can she not see what’s really going on here? “But Bill is going to bang his head in a moment and he’ll get amnesia like me. None of us want that, do we?”
“And… wine is going to help that? I’m sorry if I’m being dumb, but I can’t see it…”
“No, no, no. Wine won’t help anything.” I shake my head hard, almost toppling backwards again. “Not for Old Bill anyway. For me. A head bump shook my memories away but I’m sure it’ll bring them back.”
It’s so logical, it makes so much sense. I mean, I’ve smacked myself a couple of times trying to get my brain working but it was a real hard knock to get rid of them so it needs to be the same to get them back. It makes all the sense in the world. I grab all my belongings out of my pockets and chuck them on the sides.
“You aren’t serious?” Sia’s eyes widen with surprise. “You don’t actually want to do this?”
“It’s the only way. I don’t have any choice, Sia. Just you wait and see.”
I lift the wine bottle up but she snatches it from me and slams it down on the bar. “No, I cannot let you do this, it’s ridiculous. I think you’re drunk enough to need to go home. I’m going to call someone in your phone. What is the unlock code so I can find someone you know? I’d get you home myself but I can’t leave.”
“It’s two eight oh nine.” I watch as she slides the phone into her palm and she types rapidly. Sia thinks she’s so smart getting me out of here before I cause any trouble but I’m the clever one here. I know exactly what I’m doing. While she’s distracted and pressing some buttons, I sneak the bottle again and rise it above my head. I need to do this, it’s the only possible idea that will work. It’s this or nothing. I have to try.
“Hello?” I hear Sia say but I barely pay attention. I don’t even care who she’s calling because I’m so convinced about how right I am. “Is this Logan?” Urgh, I roll my eyes. Logan. “My name is Sia, and I need help…”
I bring the bottle down hard and fast, blinding my vision as it hits me. The pain takes a couple of seconds to burst free, for a moment there’s nothing but blankness, but then there’s a searing white hot pain which radiates. I think I’m screaming but I’m not too sure, there’s certainly a vibration in my chest. My knees give way, I can feel the ground coming for me, and in the one second before the blackness claims me, I see something that I haven’t before. A spark of what I think must be a memory. I hope it is, at least. Logan’s face. His warm, smiling, very comforting face, making me feel safe.
God, I wish I could be with him right now. I hope Sia’s talking to him and he’s coming. I miss him.
23
Logan
“We need to do something,” I tell Al hopelessly. “This isn’t something to be taken lightly anymore, it’s just getting worse.” I dart my eyes backwards to the bedroom where she lays, sleeping soundly. “I need help.”
“So, what happened? I don’t understand it, she knocked herself out in the bar? Why would she do that?”
I sigh loudly. “Well, I only have what Sia told me, but she said that Tamara got drunk and got all annoyed about her amnesia and she decided to hit herself on the head to bring her memories back. I don’t know if she fully knocked herself out or if she just fell down but the doctor said that she was okay. Nothing to worry about. Physically anyway.” I can’t help it, I’m so worried about her mental health. “But I still need to help.”
“Phew, man, that is heavy.” Al shakes his head emphatically. “I don’t know how I can help you.”
“I don’t know how exactly, but we’re going to have to.” I give him a pointed look. “I’m going to need you.”
“Me?” He almost looks put out by the suggestion. I guess this is too much for him, but he’ll have to put on his big boy pants and come through it all with me. I haven’t ever needed him more. “What can I do?”
“Not just you.” I glance away guiltily. This is the part that he isn’t going to like. “I called Katherine on the way over here and she’s coming to brain storm with us all. She knows Tamara better than anyone.”
Al face falls, then darkens. I can almost see the storm brewing above his head. I brace myself and wait. “Are you serious? Did you not see what happened the last time we were together? It exploded.”
“Yes, I know, trust me I have thought about that. That’s not the problem here because there won’t be any drink involved and you will just keep your god damn mouth shut.” I give him a warning glare. “Because I need you and so does Tamara. Right now, this moment isn’t about you and you will remember that.”
Al sulks, his face actually turns down into a frown. I almost chuckle at the silly teenager like expression on his face. “Fine, whatever, but just know that I’m not okay about it. It won’t be easy for me.”
“I’m just going to check in on Tamara, if Katherine comes to the door while I’m in the bedroom then just start being nice. Or, not nice, that might be a stretch for you, maybe just try being polite instead.”
“I am nice,” he calls after me. “Just to the women who deserve it and that doesn’t include her.”
I roll my eyes, ignoring that. He’s only nice to women he
wants to hook up with as far as I can see, and clearly Katherine doesn’t fit into that category. But that’s just tough, he’s going to need to change for now.
I move into the bedroom and an ice cold terror grips at my heart as I look at her sleeping across the bed. Her body is spread eagle over the sheets like she doesn’t have a scrap of inhibition in sight. But I know that her insides aren’t like that at all. She might be calm and cool while she’s sleeping but when awake she’s a ball of terror. I can see it across her face the entire time. I don’t like to think about anxiety and depression too easily because I know they are serious conditions, but it’s too hard to ignore this might be going on here.
“I want you to be better,” I coo quietly to Tamara. “I want this to all be okay again.”
I don’t know how she’s going to react to staying here, she probably won’t be too pleased in the morning, but I couldn’t just leave her and I didn’t want to take her home to leave her alone either. She’s been wasted, she’s been injured, we even had to call a doctor out to see her who said not to leave her alone. I just hope she isn’t fuming. The last thing I want is yet another argument with her when all I want to do is help.
“I’m going to do what I can.” I swipe some of her hair away from her mouth. “Me, Al, and Katherine are going to come up with a plan between us. And if this happening to you can help them to get along, then it hasn’t all been for nothing, am I right?” I laugh awkwardly at my dumb joke. “Anyway, it’s going to be fine.”
I remain where I am for a few moments just watching her breathe deeply. My mind spins back over the conversation I had with the nice bar maid while I do. She told me that Tamara seemed crazy for a moment, and I can really believe that. She’d been becoming increasingly unhinged ever since I told her.
Maybe I should have kept it to myself, I think sadly to myself. If I hadn’t said anything then she never would have known. Maybe she could have just waited until the memories came back naturally…
But even that doesn’t feel like the right thing to do, discomfort courses through my veins at the idea of being so deceptive. She would have hated me more when she finally learned the truth… probably.
