by Mia Ford
20
Tamara
“What?” I screech loudly. “She said what to you?” I rake my fingers through my hair. “Are you serious?”
I cannot believe this, it’s ridiculous. I don’t even know what to say about it, it’s too much. I heard the word ‘amnesia’ bandied around when I was in the hospital but I chose to ignore it. It doesn’t apply to me I can remember everything that I need to. I have the horrible recollection of the job interview which is the thing that happened just before, so obviously it isn’t true. My memory has always been a bit patchy anyway, that’s just a part of who I am, so it means nothing. It certainly isn’t something that I wanted Katherine to share with Logan.
“Why would Katherine say that? I don’t understand what that has to do with you anyway, no offence.”
Anger burns through my entire body, it rolls off of me in waves. I’m red hot, it actually hurts like I’ve been sun burned or something. This is not the lovely wake up call that I was waiting for. I thought me and Logan would end up having another lovely, lazy day just basking in one another’s company, but it seems now.
Maybe if I knew that he had a bomb shell to drop on me I would have stayed at home instead.
“Look. I know that this sucks.” Logan tries to take my hands but I snatch them away. I don’t know why but my anger right now is pretty much only directed at him. “But I have told you for a reason, there’s something we need to discuss.” He looks hurt, but I can’t concentrate on that right now. “We actually met before.”
I stare at him blankly. “What do you mean? Before now? What the hell are you on about?”
“No.” He chuckles and shakes his head. Even through his internal pain he can joke about it. Well, good for him. I sure as hell don’t feel the same way. “Not before now, I presume that you remember that?” I glower, refusing to give him anything. “No, I mean before you had your job interview. On the train.”
My heart falls out of my shoes, his words send me topsy turvy. Okay, so I don’t remember everything from that day but I do recall the important stuff. Surely, I would remember meeting Logan? He’s so important to me.
“Familiar, but he was familiar,” I finally hear myself muttering. “I knew him, even then I knew him.”
And that’s true. I can very clearly remember looking at him across the train carriage and remembering him, or at least feeling some sort of pull towards him. There was definitely a magnetic connection… but that doesn’t make this true, does it? I give him a curious look, wondering why on earth he would make this up. There’s no reason, he isn’t going to get anything out of it aside from me being incredibly annoyed.
“Fine.” I fold my arms defiantly across my chest. “If we’ve met before then tell me about it.”
“I…” He blushes bright red which drags out a deep fear inside of me. What if this tale is really bad? “I saw you, you were with Katherine then, sitting across from me and we shared this really intense moment of eye contact.”
I open my lips to tell him that I remember that because it’s exactly how we met but then I recall that Katherine wasn’t with me then, I was alone, which means he must be talking about another time entirely. A time I don’t remember. It makes me shift with discomfort to know that we have a history that I don’t know about.
“And then I started to walk over to you, to talk to you because I really felt like we could have something… and I was right, wasn’t I? I mean, we’re here now in the middle of a good relationship, am I right.”
“I…” I shrug, I can’t exactly disagree with him, can I? “I suppose you’re right.”
“Yeah, but as I walked over to you the train stopped suddenly and I spilled coffee over you right before you had your interview and we ended up… having quite a bad argument. I thought that you hated me.”
Huh… there was me earlier on smugly thinking that me and Logan haven’t got that sort of chemistry to make us argue, but now it turns out that our very first meeting was just that. “We… yelled?”
“You did most of the yelling.” I hate the way I can see the memory behind his gaze. It’s so obviously real and it must be in my brain somewhere but I just can’t find it. It sucks. “But that’s fair enough because I did wreck your outfit. Obviously, I didn’t mean to but I can still understand. It was bad timing for sure…”
“I was supposed to be getting my life back together,” I tell him, almost talking to myself. “It was supposed to be the first day of the rest of my life. I’d just left my old, miserable life behind. My ex boyfriend, my awful job in a bar, friends that didn’t really give a shit about me… Katherine wanted me to get a job to start over.”
“Oh God.” Logan’s head falls into his hands. “Now I feel even worse about what happened.”
“Well, don’t. I didn’t want the job anyway and I ended up with the money so it’s all good.”
The money that now feels hollow since I had to lose a big part of my life to get it. Not that I’m too bitter…
Oh, who the hell am I kidding? This is the most bitter that I’ve ever been. I thought the memories I lost were all pointless ones that I didn’t care about. Making a coffee, getting dressed, getting on the train. But how can I have forgotten him? Does that mean Logan isn’t the man for me after all? I should remember meeting the love of my life, shouldn’t I? I don’t think we’re quite there yet, but I know I could love Logan. Or at least, I did.
Now I don’t know anything anymore. Nothing makes any sense at all.
“Well, I felt bad about it for ages.” Logan looks at me, desperate for me to forgive him. “That’s why I kept making comments about it. I want to make it up to you, I didn’t know you couldn’t remember.”
I start to remember all the weird comments he made that I brushed under the carpet to begin with, but now they all come flooding back, mostly the one about the Orient Express. Of course I get it now.
“Oh, I see… well, I don’t know how to remember any of it.” My tone is stiff. “And I don’t think I will.”
“Well, actually.” Logan’s eyes light up. “I’ve been doing some research which I think can help you.”
He pulls out a giant hand written list where he’s written down all kinds of things. I feel overwhelmed as I scan my eyes over the words he’s carefully noted in his nicest writing. It makes me feel like I’m drowning, I’m sinking further and further under the water, slipping, losing control and there’s nothing I can do to save myself. I can’t kick, I can’t move my arms, I can’t even stop the water from filling my lungs. I’m stuffed. I didn’t look into is as much as he has and it affects me. Isn’t this a little suffocating? Isn’t he being pushy?
“I… I…” I want to say something but I can barely breathe never mind speak. “I…”
“We should try those things. Like, maybe not the meds but the brain training. Or this… it says if you discuss the days you can’t fully remember in detail then things might start flashing back. If we talk about that day then maybe it’ll come flooding back. I know the details that you seem to be missing. I can help.”
I don’t like the way that makes me feel. It’s as if there’s something seriously wrong with me. “It’s just a bit of memory loss. It isn’t anything to worry about. You’ve just told me everything anyway and it hasn’t worked.”
“No, you haven’t told me your side of the day, you know? Like, what you did. That could help, right?”
I feel childish and petty which is only highlighted by the way my bottom lip pouts out like a teenager. “I don’t think so. I don’t think I want to talk about it. I just want to forget it ever happened.”
“So, you don’t ever want to remember us?” His wounded puppy dog eyes are killing me. “You don’t want to remember the first time that we met even though it’s kinda important, don’t you think?”
I can’t be so irritable that I hurt him. Much as this isn’t my fault, well, aside from being really clumsy and falling down the stairs, it isn’t Logan’s either. He didn’t
ask for any of this. He got sucked in by mistake.
“Fine, whatever. I suppose it can’t hurt.” I shrug, trying to act all breezy like I’m not completely troubled by this. “But I warn you there’s a lot of that day I can’t remember. It isn’t just you I’ve forgotten.”
“I’ll try not to be offended by that.” He takes a seat and indicates for me to do the same. I still feel too restless to remain in one place, but I try my best. “Now, let’s start from the moment you woke up and go from there.”
I grip onto my forehead as an ache starts there. This is getting too much now. I can not go over it again and again, it’s driving me crazy. I might be getting thin little strips of images in my head, but they aren’t enough to be solid and it’s too much hard work to keep at it. Logan is relentless, is driving me mad.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I snap, while pushing myself away from him. “I want to go home.”
“But this is working…” Logan looks desperate. “I don’t think we should give up now. We’re getting somewhere. You just said you can recall a stain on your shirt which is something.”
Maybe I did but now that memory has gone and the fact that I can’t cling onto it is killer. “Yeah, well maybe I just said that to get you off my back because you’re doing my head in.” Rage rolls off my tongue. “Maybe you just put that picture there because you keep going on and on about it. I don’t know anymore.”
I storm towards the door, needing to breathe. I’m going to have to get away from Logan before it turns into something massive. I know that we’ve argued before but I don’t remember it and I don’t want it to happen again. It’ll feel really weird to yell at someone that I’ve only really shared kind words with before.
“No, Tamara, please don’t go.” He jumps up and reaches out to grab me. “Please, stay.”
Hot tears burn behind my eyes, I don’t want them to fall in front of Logan, my pride has already been hurt enough. “No, Logan, just let me go. Please. I need to get the hell out of here. I can’t stay.”
He must be able to see the desperation in my eyes before he falls backwards a little, taking a couple of steps away. He might not want me to go but he’s letting me. I take the opportunity and I run. I race to the front door and I take off, leaving him behind. I need to be alone, I need to deal with this myself. Now that Katherine has outed me with the truth I can’t bury my head in the sand any longer. I’m going to have to actually face it.
I don’t want to, I wasn’t ever going to, but now I have no choice.
Damn Katherine.
Damn Logan.
Damn all of them.
21
Logan
I pace the room up and down, spinning around and around in circles while my brain churns. The last couple of days have been really hard, I can barely cope with everything that’s happened, but at least Tamara is letting me back in her life again which is something. After she ran out on me like that I feared it was us done forever. She didn’t take the news well at all and I’m pretty freaked out by how bad it’s still affecting her. I haven’t seen this sad before and it’s hard. All I want to do is take that negative emotion away from her.
“Hey.” She walks into the doctor’s office with that down turned expression I don’t like being used to. “Thank you for coming with me today. I don’t really want to face this alone.”
Her shoulders are hunched forwards like she’s shrinking in on herself. Her feet shuffle along the ground as discomfort flows through her. I feel bad for pushing her into this, but now she’s so desperate to come out of her amnesia that it seems like this is the only way. She doesn’t want to hear me but maybe a medical professional will be able to get through to her. I can only hope! Anything to make her smile again.
I sigh deeply, missing the look of her lips turned up into a smile. No one can make me as happy as seeing the joy in Tamara’s face. Even the memory of her joy has the ability to turn my mood around.
“It’s okay.” I step closer to Tamara wanting to comfort her but she doesn’t seem too keen so I let my eager hands hang loosely around my hips. “You know I don’t mind doing anything for you.”
“Yeah well, this isn’t exactly what you signed up for, is it? You probably don’t want this. I would totally understand if you want to go because it isn’t pleasant.” She gives me a look but her eyes are blank as if she’s turned off all of the emotion inside of her. I want to reach in to pull it out but she’s blocking me. She should just feel however she’s feeling. I don’t think keeping stuff inside is healthy. I would try to tell her as much but I don’t know how well she would take it. I don’t imagine too good at this point. “You should just go.”
“Are you suggesting I should break up with you over this?” I’m dumb founded. “Because I don’t want that.”
“It’s too soon for you to be having to deal with this sort thing. We haven’t known each other long enough.”
“But… we’re together… and we were panning a trip together. That was fast, why can’t this be?”
“Because this is different,” she spits back. “And this is horrible. In fact, I don’t even want you to be here with me, I don’t know why I allowed you to get all in my head anyway. I should deal with this alone.”
Her angry words say one thing but her body language says another. I make a mental note to just allow myself to be a punching bag if she needs someone to take her frustrations out on but I won’t be pushed away. I’ll prove my strength to her and show that I’m willing to go through whatever with her, because I really do like her. She crashed into my life in the craziest way and she’s certainly shaken things up in a way that I wasn’t expecting and I definitely wasn’t looking for, but I’m in now. I’ve dived in with two feet and I want to stay with her.
Tamara is someone I could quite easily fall in love with, and I won’t give up on that.
Instead of leaving like she probably thinks I’m going to, I grab her and pull her to me for a hug. While holding her close to my body I wait until she relaxes and finally molds into me allowing me to comfort her. Automatically I run my fingers through her raven hair, combing it in a way that I hope is comforting. I just want to calm her down, so I treat her like a princess. A wet patch forms on my shirt and it kills me to know that she’s crying, but I keep on holding her until finally one of the nurses comes out into the hallway to call her in for her appointment with the doctor. She pulls away from me so rapidly I fear that she might shut me out once more, but then she brushes the tears from her face and loops her hand through mine, before taking me with her.
I don’t know what we’re going to learn once we get into the appointment, but I hope it’ll be useful. For Tamara, if anyone could use some positivity right now it’s her. She needs this win, which is what has my praying with my head tilted towards the sky. I’m willing to pray to any God that might help us right now.
The doctor’s office is well lit, maybe a little too bright for my liking. It has a weird white glow that seems the bring out every tiny red patch on the doctor’s face. The knowledge that I must look just as bad doesn’t sit well with me. Under all the stress of everything that’s going on, this is the last thing I need.
“Tamara Owen?” She nods at his expectant look. “Good, it’s great to have you here. Please take a seat.”
As we both sit down, Tamara takes her hand from me but only for a brief second. She soon grips onto it with all of her might, almost squeezing it to the point where it hurts. I can wince through the pain though, it’s nothing compared to what she’s suffering. Plus, I can’t forget that I’m being her punching bag!
“So, Miss Owen, you’re here because you’re still suffering with neuropathic issues?” She nods silently. I think her voice box must have been completely stripped from her body. “I see, and I’m sure this must be getting very frustrating by now, it has been a while since the fall. How bad are your memories?”
“Not too bad, I suppose,” she rasps gravelly. “I can remember a lot it’s just
annoying me that just some of that isn’t there.” I feel her eyes flick towards me but I don’t think she needs me to look back so I don’t. I hope I’m right, it’s hard trying to read her mood so much. “I want to work out why, it isn’t fair. I mean, I know there are people who have this way worse than me, but I just want to know how I can change it. What can I do?”
“There isn’t necessarily anything you can do other than wait…”
This isn’t what Tamara wants to hear so she leans forward in her seat and gives him a fiery eyed look, really showing him just how bad this is for her. “I don’t want to wait. There must be something I can do.”
“There are methods that have helped, but they aren’t guaranteed. Everyone is different.”
“Meds? There are medications I could take for this, right? Can’t I just give that a go?”
“That isn’t something we recommend…” I can feel the doctor’s frustration, and I feel bad for him.
“Then what? I’m supposed to just sit around and wait for them? What if they never come back?”
“There is a chance that will happen, I don’t want to give you any false hope, but I can put together a treatment plan for you that we can use as a starting point. Unfortunately, this is one of those things where trial and error is key. Like I said before and like I’m sure you’ve already been told, this doesn’t affect everyone in the same way. Nothing works for everyone. What’s right for a hundred other people might not work exactly the same for you.”
“Well that’s just stupid.” She snatches her hand away and folds her arms across her chest. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. With all the progress in modern medicine and there’s nothing can be done for my memory. That’s just crazy, I don’t know what you expect me to do in the meantime. My life is on hold here.”
“Well, that is something I definitely wouldn’t recommend. What you need to do is live your life as normal and get into a routine. That’s more likely to bring your mind back than anything else, just living life.”
