Love at First Sight

by Mia Ford

  No, there isn’t any best solution here, just the advice that the doctor gave us. Routine, brain training, therapy… it all needs to happen. Damn it, by this point even the hypnosis therapy sounds like a good idea. Anything could work and for Tamara’s sake I’m willing to go through it all. Whatever she needs.

  I hear a knocking at the door which makes me jump. Much as I’ve told Al that he has to be nice I’m not sure he can actually do it and I don’t want Katherine to run for the hills before we’ve sorted this.

  “I have to go and be a buffer now,” I mutter quietly. “Wish my luck, I’m going to need it!”

  I slide out the room quietly, pausing for one last lingering look over the raven haired beauty that I’m desperately falling in love with. Once all of this is over, I really hope we can get back to where we were.

  “Why are you here?” Katherine’s shrill voice rings through the apartment. “What help can you provide?”

  “Well, since you’re her best friend and she isn’t any better yet, I’m going to suggest more than you.”

  We’re tipping over the edge already and we’re about three minutes in. My role as buffer needs to begin immediately if I’m going to get this on any sort of positive track. “Woah, guys, let’s just take a seat here.”

  Katherine and Al do as I command and they fold their arms across their chests looking equally as pissed off as one another. It’s almost laughable, I cannot believe that I’m in this scene it’s crazy. But it isn’t truly that funny, not really. Not when I think about everything that I have to do. That we have to deal with.

  “Okay, so as you know we’re here for Tamara.” God, I sound so formal, like a school teacher or something. “She’s spiraling worse and worse; her mood is only sinking further. We have to help her.”

  “What happened in the bar? I couldn’t really understand you on the phone, you were all panicked?” Katherine leans forwards, forgetting about her need to keep her body language angry. Thank goodness, the quicker she forgets how much she hates Al the better as far as I’m concerned. “She hit her head with a wine bottle?”

  “To try and get her memories back, yes, she thought a bump would work.”

  “Oh no.” Katherine groans and throws her head into her hands. “That’s such a crazy plan.”

  “The bar maid said she thought the bump got rid of it so it’d easily bring it back.”

  We remain in silence for a few moments all of us thinking this through. The atmosphere is thick, it’s swimming around us, consuming us all in sadness. It shouldn’t be like this, not when things were going so well. There’s a small part of me that wonders if I’m the problem, if I vanished I wouldn’t be causing her worry, but I just can’t say goodbye to her. I can’t, she means too much to me, I feel too connected to her, she’s everything.

  “Okay, so what do we do?” Katherine glances to me and Al. “How do we help her? This is all really bad stuff, and it’s only getting worse. She’s sinking, like you said, Logan, and I don’t see her pulling out.”

  “The doctor has a health care plan he’s working on, we should get the details of that soon, but for now I think we need to do things to lift her spirits. We need her to be happier to help her recover.”

  “And how exactly am I supposed to help with that?” Al sneers. “I’m nothing.”

  “Dude, you are in this now, stop trying to get out of it. We can all spend time together.”

  I see Katherine and Al both tense up at this, but thankfully they don’t argue. They refuse to look at one another, it’s almost as if they are opposite ends of the magnetic poles, repelling each other naturally, without even needing to try. How Tamara thought this might become something it utterly beyond me.

  “So, where do we start?” Katherine asks. “Are you still planning your trip?”

  I shake my head sadly. “No, not at the moment because routine is supposed to be the best thing so I thought it best to avoid it. Plus, I don’t know if Tamara is going to be too keen. She seems really… I don’t know, she’s off with me. I think not remembering our first meeting is really affecting how she feels about us.”

  Katherine falls into an awkward silence and Al follows her. Neither of them know what to say about the possibility of our relationship failing. I refuse to accept that’s something that could even happen because it’s much easier for me to strive for something, to have something to work towards. I need this.

  “We should start tomorrow.” Surprisingly, it’s Al who starts up the conversation again. “We should plan a day out, the four of us. Try to bring Tamara to a happy place. Is there anything she likes doing?”

  “I…” I wish I had a solid answer for this but I don’t really. Not one I can be certain she’s in agreement.

  “She likes the zoo, I do know that. We haven’t been for a while, either.”

  I give Katherine a wide eyed look, surprised by this. I don’t know why it shocks me, really, many people like going to the zoo, but it’s just something that I didn’t know.

  “The zoo, yes… we should definitely do that.” I dart my eyes towards my bedroom, sighing once more. “Maybe you should come over early in the morning, Katherine, if you don’t mind. So Tamara has got someone here when she begins yelling at me because I’m sure she won’t remember being brought here.”

  “She can stay in my room, if she wants,” Al pipes up.

  “Are you kidding me?” Katherine snaps. “Like I’m going to do that…”

  “I don’t mean with me.” He rolls his eyes. “I meant alone. I can stay out on the couch. I just want to help out and I feel quite useless. If it helps Tamara then I can give up my bed for one night.”

  Me and Katherine share a look, shocked by this offer, but it’s nice. I’m glad she’s getting to see a bit of Al’s kind heart because it shows why we’re good friends. He is awesome really.

  “Well, thank you, Al, that’s awesome.” We’re really working together now. “Then in the morning we can get started. Mission Help Tamara will be well underway which is positive.”

  24

  Tamara

  The zoo… the fucking zoo….

  I suppose I can understand why this would be suggested, in my right mind I would normally love this, but today I just feel as shitty and gray as the weather. The trickles of rain dotting from the sky are so annoying because they’re getting me soaking wet without any effort. If it could actually bother to piss it down I might have some respect for it but the clouds just cannot be assed. It sucks and it’s irritating the crap out of me.

  I actually wish that Katherine and Alistair would start arguing again just to give me something to amuse me. They are being pointedly civil and it’s rather stupid. It’s really driving me up the wall, actually.

  “So, you two are just friends now?” I spit out angrily. “That’s just the way that things are going to be?”

  Katherine and Al share a guilty look. They must feel bad that I can see right through the rouse. They still hate one another it’s burning between them, I would much rather they be honest before I go insane.

  “There are more important things than bitching at one another,” Katherine bites out. “Like this. This is nice, isn’t it? We’re having a nice day out at the zoo. It’s much better than arguing.”

  “Urgh, whatever.” I roll my eyes and snort. “I just want to go home, this sucks. The weather is crap, the animals are all in hiding, and I’m just done. This is tiring me out. Can I just go back to bed already? I barely got any sleep, especially after I woke up and found that I wasn’t at home in my own bed.” I sigh loudly as the accusation rolls off my tongue. “I know that you’re all just trying to be nice but I would much rather be left alone.”

  “Tamara, we just…” Katherine reaches out to touch my arm but I shake her off like a buzzing fly. She looks hurt, but I just can’t deal with that right now. “We just want to do what we can. We all love you, you know that.”

  I turn my back on all of them and stare into the lion’s enclosure
with tears burning my retinas. The logic side of my brain knows that I shouldn’t push away the people closest to me, but my emotions are too painful, too controlling, they’re running the show even if I don’t want them to. Knowing that I had a glimpse of a memory after the wine bottle incident but that I still can’t recall it is killing me. It’s soul destroying.

  I can’t exactly try another hard bump to the head either. I don’t think I’d be brave enough while sober and also the doctor did say that I could give myself permanent damage or make the memory loss worse. Of all the things that I can’t remember, that’s one I can. Unfortunately. That knowledge is killer. I’m stuck.

  “I’m sorry, can you all just give me a moment alone? I need to be by myself. Just for a second.”

  I heard footsteps move, but only two sets. I wonder which person has stayed behind. Probably Katherine. She can’t fake to be nice to Al for long enough for them to actually be alone together. That idea could make me smile.

  “I’m sorry, Tamara.” Oh, it’s Logan! It seems that I was wrong. “I’m sorry about all of this. I know that I keep getting it wrong, but just know I’m trying. I want to be whatever you need me to be right now. We’re all here because we only want what’s best for you. Me, Katherine, even Alistair. We all just want you back again.”

  Back… if only I can get myself back. It sounds so easy, but it isn’t really. I don’t even remember me.

  I don’t say anything, I don’t even turn to look at him. I want to, but I fear I might fall into his eyes and the vulnerability will be set free. It feels like I’m at the absolute edge of what I can handle and anything more will tip me over. I’m trying to ward off a break down, that’s my main priority right now. Holding it all together.

  “Okay, well I’m going to join the others. We’ll go up to the café to get a hot drink. I’ll buy you a coff… a drink.” I hate the way he stops there because he cannot even say the word ‘coffee’ anymore, not without reminding me of all the things that I just don’t know. “Join us whenever you feel ready, okay?”

  He touches my arm for just one second, and surprisingly I don’t flinch away. I don’t mind his skin on mine, even if I can’t find any comfort in it. If I were any brave I might have asked him to stay there, to continue comforting me, but I don’t and soon he goes leaving me cold and alone. My skin where his hand was only moments before, is even icier than the rest of me and that’s saying something. I miss him, I miss having that deep connection, I miss the relationship that we once started. I really wish we could be back in that place.

  I suppose the only thing I can do to keep moving forward is to do whatever the damn doctor suggests to get my memories back. I’ve been pretty resistant to all of it so far because I’m so dragged down by it all, but if I want to get my life back then I need to take action. I need to get the rational side of my brain back in control.

  For Logan. For my friends too. They want it for me and I want it for myself too.

  With a deep sigh I turn and I head towards the café, trying to drag a little bit of positivity out. It’s hard to dig out but I have to have a go. Otherwise I only have myself to blame for the negativity in my life.

  The room smells funny. It’s like an odd, musky smell. Maybe vanilla in there too? I don’t know, but if it’s supposed to be a comforting scent then it doesn’t really work. I’m more on edge than ever. My nerves are darting and dancing around my system, refusing to settle however hard I try.

  I think about Logan and the others sitting in the waiting room for me where they were told to remain, wishing I could have brought them in with me, this is the scariest thing I’ve ever had to go through.

  “Hello there, Tamara.” The kind elderly looking woman smiles softly at me. I can tell that she’s trying to be comforting too but again, the opposite effect is raging through my body. “Please, take a seat.”

  I lean back in the over sized comfortable chair and stare up at the ceiling. There are deep patterns in the wallpaper up there which my eyes fix upon. I need something else to focus on other than on her.

  “So, I take it this process has been explained to you.” I nod. I don’t fully get it but I have been told enough. “Great, so you’re here to try and retrieve some memories. Luckily, I’m great at that. It’s my expertise.”

  I gulp noisily, wondering how many other people have been in the same position as me, desperate to get their memories back. Have they felt as hopeless and empty as I have? Have they been as saddened?

  “So, you’ve had success then? People have remembered things by working with you?”

  “I’ve had various levels of success, but don’t let that worry you. Each person is individual so their needs are different. What works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another. It’s all trial and error.”

  I resist the urge to roll my eyes, I switch off my brain so I done need to hear anymore. I’m sick of being told that things just might not work out for me and there’s no reason as to why. Just because that’s the way I am. My stupid brain is so fucked up that it doesn’t even want me to get better. I’m stuck in this hell.

  It’s warm in here… I think to myself as I lose myself even deeper in the patterns. It’s too warm.

  I don’t know what’s happening, but my eyes are becoming heavy, my brain is turning itself off. I try to strain my ears, to listen to what this woman is saying to me, but I can’t seem to do it now. My ears are blocked, there’s something filling them, it makes me want to thrash and scream and yell out for help but I can’t because my body is too heavy. My limbs are now made of lead there isn’t anything I can do to help myself…

  But then that all changes. I don’t even know when it happens but I suddenly lose that heavy sensation and I feel lighter than air. I’m floating among the clouds, grasping at memories I’ve seen before but haven’t grabbed onto. They’re fuzzy but within reach and all I want to do is reach out to them. Something is telling me I should.

  “Katherine,” I hear myself yell through the space in my brain. “A guy is looking at me.”

  I can feel him. I can tell that it’s Logan looking at me. I’m almost swimming in the hazel color of his eyes. It’s lovely, the nicest, warmest sensation in the world… or it is until ice cold splashes over me, shocking me.

  “Just be cute… be you. But not too much you, you know?”

  I want to laugh at Katherine’s joke. She’s always telling me that my first impressions are shit which is proven over and over again. With the job interview, with Thai, and apparently with Logan. I thought he was the only one that I was actually good with the first time I met someone but it seems like I was wrong. I made the worst impression on him of them all. Why the hell is he still around? And why am I so damn cold?

  “I didn’t mean… the train just stopped… it was an accident!”

  “An accident? You’ve ruined me.”

  A fury burns in my chest as I look at the brown spreading across me. This is supposed to be the first day of the rest of my life and it’s turning out to be just as shitty as all the others. I lash out because I don’t know what else to do. It’s an instinctive reaction, part of my lizard brain.

  “I bet you have a comfortable life with a cushy job. I’m sure you can afford the nice food from the supermarket and the wine that isn’t from the bargain bin.”

  Guilt flows through me at my words, I know that I’m being a bitch but since I can’t see anything, I’m surrounded by a bright white light and the damn brown stain, I don’t have to feel too bad. Even if I do know Logan now and it’s obvious that didn’t happen on purpose. Why did I even care so much? I knew I didn’t want the job, what was the point in freaking out?

  “I’m so mad at you right now. I don’t even know you and you’ve ruined me. To think I just thought you were cute.”

  Oh God… that’s so embarrassing. I would blush if I could. But through all of that it’s amazing because I have something to go on. I have a memory. It isn’t much, I can’t really see anything I can j
ust hear and feel it, but it’s enough. It unlocks something and sets it free. Finally, I can feel again.

  “I remember,” I mutter. “I remember, I remember him.” There’s more, I know this is only the start of the work but it’s amazing. It seems this method is the one to work for me after all. “I remember Logan!”

  25

  Logan

  “She’s been in there for ages.” My feet pace up and down. I’m fidgety, I can’t sit still, it’s impossible. “I wonder what’s going on. And why couldn’t one of us go in there with her? This is crazy.”

  “Dude, sit the fuck down, you are driving me nuts.” Al rubs his forehead. “For the love of God, chill out.”

  “How the hell can I chill out when everything is so messed up? This feels like…” I wave my hands helplessly. “It feels like the end, doesn’t it? Like this is the last thing we have on offer, the final choice, you know?”

  “Don’t be disheartened, Logan,” Katherine tries to reassure me. “There are still plenty of other things that she can do. The doctor said it’s all about trial and error, that it’s different for everyone. It could be fine.”

  My heart sinks as I ignore all kind words. I can’t hear it, I don’t want to go over the same thing. Over and over again. This is endless, it feels like it’s been going on forever. I don’t know how to help more.

  “But you never know… this could be the thing, so it really could be fine, you know?”

  My feet are noisy as I walk, I can hear them clapping against the hard, cold tiles. I wish I could stop walking and take a seat because I’m making everyone else nervous, but I can’t. My body is out of control. Every time the door swings, I jump like a frightened rabbit caught in head lights, waiting for an answer…

  “Oh my God.” Only this time it’s her. My eyes fall on Tamara and I get lost in the idea that she actually looks a little happier. There’s a light in her eyes again. I don’t want to imagine it but I’m sure it’s there. “Tamara.”