Drive-By Daddy & Calamity Jo

by Cheryl Anne Porter

“You don’t think he’s got permission to do some work there?” Jo asked. “Sometimes landlords will let people make improvements on their own.”

  “Sounds like he’s tearing down walls. I don’t think Rick would see that as an improvement,” Starina answered tartly. “I tried a week ago to call Rick and tell him what’s been going on, but he’s off on a fishing trip somewhere. He’s as crazy about fishing as Julius is.”

  Case walked over to the workshop window and looked out. The two houses were set at such an angle that there was a clear view of the front door and all the windows on the east side of Purdy’s house. He turned thoughtfully and said, “Starina, Jo’s going to another meeting at Purdy’s this afternoon. I’d like to keep an eye on things from a distance. Mind if I come over here and just watch?”

  Jo frowned slightly and he knew she was wondering why he hadn’t discussed this with her, but it had just come to him as he’d seen the vantage point from Starina’s window. He gave Jo a little shrug to acknowledge her puzzlement.

  Starina’s eyes brightened. “Sure. You’ve never seen my machine in action. I’ll set up a little demonstration for you while you’re here.”

  Jo’s face blanched. “Wouldn’t it be better if you waited a little while before you do another demonstration?

  After all, the volunteer fire department was just out here last month.”

  “Fire department?” Case asked. Apprehensively, he glanced around. Maybe his idea wasn’t such a good one.

  “Starina’s machine exploded one time,” Jo explained.

  “Well, twice,” the quirky inventor corrected.

  “Yes, but that second fire was such a small one, it hardly counted.”

  “That’s true.” Starina nodded. “I don’t know why the fire chief felt he had to drag everyone out here. I could have put that one out with my fire extinguishers.” She pointed to a row of the bright red extinguishers that Case hadn’t noticed in his enthrallment with the machine. There were six of the largest type available, lined up and ready for action. His mouth went dry.

  “The only thing I lost in that one was a table full of beakers.”

  “And your eyebrows,” Jo added, giving Case a sidelong glance that hinted at mischief when she saw the horrified awe on his face.

  “They grew back, though,” Starina said cheerfully. “And that little explosion showed me exactly where I’d been going wrong with the air-intake valves, and now I’ve got it almost ready to go.” She turned away, effectively dismissing them.

  “Case will see you later, then,” Jo said, taking his arm and heading him toward the door farthest from Purdy’s house. Starina waved them off, already forgetting them as she pulled a screwdriver from her pocket and returned to her project.

  “I think I outsmarted myself,” Case said once they were on the street again.

  “Probably. Starina will bend your ear about her work, but her window will make the perfect spot to watch the house.” She glanced at him, her green eyes smiling. “And please note that I’m not annoyed with you for deciding to observe this afternoon.”

  He gave her a cautious look. “And why is that?”

  “You’ve got an investigation to conduct, just as I have. We may be working together on this, but really, we have different goals.”

  In this case, and in life, he thought, feeling disappointed even though he knew what she said was true. He’d made a fool of himself last night; kissing her, wanting her, and pushing her away.

  “Yes,” he said, trailing along behind her. “That’s right.”

  “So it’s all settled, then. Same investigation, same conclusion, but different goals.” Breezily, she started up the nearest set of stairs. Today she was wearing a blouse of deep rusty brown and a matching print skirt. As she trotted up the steps, the skirt bounced around her calves with a soft rustle that made him think of bodies sliding over crisp percale sheets.

  Oh, hell. He had it bad if he was loping along behind her in the bright morning sunlight thinking about her and bedsheets. Did she ever have those kinds of thoughts? She kissed him as if she wanted to crawl right inside his skin and make him part of her. The memory of it gave him sensual shivers.

  He had to get his mind back on track. After all, in spite of everything, he was still the one who’d been hired to find out what Purdy was doing. So far, he had very little to tell Estelle Long except that her mother was in love with a con artist and that the money Freida had given him was probably gone for good.

  Maybe today, with Jo’s help, he’d know more, find out what he needed to know in order to stop Purdy.

  He had talked to Rex Killian, the city police chief, who said he’d had no complaints against Purdy, and that even if his message and scientific theories about the universe seemed strange, they weren’t out of the ordinary by Calamity Falls’ standards. Case hadn’t found that to be the least bit encouraging.

  “You’re not worried, are you?” Jo asked, pulling him out of his morose thoughts.

  He caught up to her and they finished the walk to her house together. “About Purdy? No, I don’t think he’s actually dangerous.”

  “I meant worried about watching from Starina’s workshop,” Jo said, giving him a dry look.

  He shook his head. “Nah. I’m strong. I can take it.”

  “Yeah, but are you fireproof?”

  He grinned and as they reached Jo’s house, he said, “Now, show me what you intend to wear this afternoon.”

  “AH, HERE YOU ARE.” Harold Purdy hustled down the steps of his house, placed his arm around Jo’s waist, and took her hand in his. He gave it a fervent kiss as he said. “You’re the last to arrive, but in this case it is true that the best has been saved for last.” He glanced around. “Your friend Case isn’t with you?”

  Jo fought the urge to roll her eyes at him. “Oh, Harold, thank you for the compliment. No, I think perhaps that your message isn’t for Case.” She gave him a look full of what she hoped was innocent sexiness. “I encouraged him to stay home.”

  Lust flared in Harold’s eyes. “Did you, my dear? That was probably wise.”

  Jo sighed. “I just have to tell you that the last few days have been so exciting. Since I’ve met you, I have a whole new understanding about, well, about men.” She dropped her gaze demurely “I was so heartbroken over Steve, you know? And you’ve renewed my faith in what a true gentleman is like. I mean, I just know you would never take advantage of me like he did.”

  “Certainly not.” Harold’s hand inched up her waist and over her ribs, aiming for her breast.

  One more inch, she thought, and I’ll break every one of his fingers. She kept her smile in place, though. “I was wondering if we could get together this evening, Harold. I was so impressed with what you had to say about investing money at the women’s club meeting. I only have a few thousand to invest, but I’d like your advice on where to put it.”

  His blue eyes fairly glowed, he licked his lips. “Oh, my dear, I can tell you exactly where to put it.”

  She gave a tittering little laugh she’d once heard Marilyn Monroe use in a movie. He hustled her up the stairs and into the house.

  OBSERVING from Starina’s workshop window, Case couldn’t decide whether he wanted to kill Purdy first, or spank Jo. He’d have some time to ponder it while he waited for her to come out.

  “I’ll have this ready in just a few minutes, Case,” Starina called out. “There are only a few more calibrations that need to be done.”

  “Great, Starina,” he answered absently, his mind on the couple next door. “Can’t wait to see it.”

  “It’s like nothing that’s ever been invented. It’s going to revolutionize industry as we know it.”

  Case nodded and returned to his vigil.

  JO WAS AMAZED to see that only she, Charlotte, Freida, and Cedric were in attendance. Harold noticed her surprised look. “I’ve decided to concentrate on the true believers,” he said. “Only those who are open to new truths have been invited today. I’m hoping t
hat those dear souls will help me spread the message of cosmogony.”

  There was an air of suppressed excitement about the other three, although Freida was giving Harold troubled looks. Jo moved away from him and tried to give Freida a smile that told her she had nothing to worry about, that she had no personal interest in Harold. Freida answered with an unhappy frown.

  “If you all will come with me,” Harold said. “I have something exciting to show you.” He lead the way down a short hallway, past small bedrooms and a bathroom. Jo had only a quick glance in each room and was struck with how bare they were. She saw no personal items in any room.

  In the farthest bedroom in the corner of the house that backed directly into the mountainside, Purdy turned, made a sweeping gesture, and said, “This is it. This is the very place I’ve been searching for during many years of traveling around the country, learning all I can, sharing my message with believers like you.” He beamed his generous smile on them and then he grew serious as he said, “And at last I have found it, right here in Calamity Falls, Arizona. Right in this room.”

  While his small audience gaped at him, he strolled across the floor and pointed to a door.

  “It’s a closet,” Freida whispered in awe.

  “Not just any closet, my clever and generous Mrs. Long,” he said. “It leads to our future.”

  With that, he threw the door open dramatically. A dank mustiness swept into the room. Jo and the others crowded forward. The back of the closet had been ripped away to expose a black opening. From his pocket, Harold pulled a small, powerful flashlight.

  Jo stepped back and looked at her friends, who were shivering with excitement, then at Purdy. It was getting harder and harder to maintain her ditzy role, but she said, “It’s a tunnel. Isn’t it part of the old Skinner mine?”

  “Yes. I did careful research all over this country and I found that this spot in this house is the exact center of a powerful vortex that will protect us when the world collapses in on itself.”

  “Really?” Freida and Charlotte whispered in unison.

  “Well, I say,” Cedric breathed, his Adam’s apple bobbing violently.

  “Oh, brother,” Jo muttered under her breath.

  “WHAT THE HELL are they doing?” Case grumbled. “How long does it take for him to give his pitch for money and for them to get out of there?”

  “How long?” Starina asked. “Oh, not long. I’m almost ready.”

  Frowning, Case glanced over his shoulder and saw that she had pulled out a crank of some sort, had inserted it into the front panel of her machine, and was busy giving it a whirl. Her face was red with excitement, her hair stood up as if she was receiving an electric charge, and the tip of her tongue protruded from the corner of her mouth. She was involved in a massive effort. The motor caught, coughed, and began to turn over with a clank and a whir. The tubes of lubricants pulsed to life, the liquid running toward the machine in a gurgling rush.

  Starina fairly danced with delight.

  Case decided she wasn’t really paying any attention to him, but he gave her machine an unsure look. He hoped she knew what she was doing.

  “THERE IS ONE major drawback, though,” Harold announced in a deadly serious tone.

  “What?” his believers echoed.

  Here it comes, Jo thought.

  “We do not own this property.” Harold looked around at his tiny flock, lifted his hands, palms upward, and let them drop dramatically. “I have searched this world over, and not only myself, but many others who believe as we do have been searching. I want to let them know that I have found the place.” He lifted his hands skyward and looked up toward the cracked and stained ceiling. “The very place for which we’ve searched so long, the place where men will no longer have to apologize for being men, where women will know themselves and their strength for who they really are.”

  Jo rolled her eyes. She’d known all along that Harold’s con was something outrageous, but she hadn’t imagined anything this silly. The enthralled look on her friends’ faces alarmed her. “Wait, a minute, Harold, I don’t think I quite understand.…”

  “Oh, yes, you must let everyone know,” Freida interrupted fervently. “The location of this place is too important to keep it to yourself.” Charlotte and Cedric nodded their agreement.

  “But, alas, I cannot bring my friends here. We can’t use it as our base of operations from which true, righteous believers like you will go out and spread the word.”

  Cynically, Jo wondered what the word was, besides money.

  “Why not, Harold?” Charlotte asked.

  “I’m sorry to say that we can’t build this property into the shelter it needs to become because I don’t, I mean, we don’t own it.”

  “I could give you money, Harold, dear,” Freida said. “You know I’ve got money. I’ve offered it to you before.” She turned to Charlotte and Cedric. “I think he was too proud to take it, but now I think he should, don’t you?”

  They added their encouragement to hers while Harold attempted to look suitably humble.

  Jo was relieved to hear that Estelle’s fears were unfounded and Freida had not yet given Harold any money.

  “In fact, I have money with me.” She gave Jo a quick look and Jo immediately understood that Freida had been feeling jealous and had brought the money to regain Harold’s attention. “How much would it take? I knew, I just knew this was going to be the day you would allow me to give you what you need, Harold. You’re such a good man, so caring and full of truth, your message mustn’t be delayed any longer.”

  “I’ve got money, too,” Charlotte said, catching the enthusiasm. “I’ve been saving it up. It’s under my mattress. It won’t take me any time at all to get it.”

  “Sir,” Cedric said, “if you will allow me, I would be happy to help out with your costs. This sounds like something that would be worthwhile, a help to mankind.”

  As Freida reached for her shoulder bag and the other two started to scurry home to get their life savings, Jo spread-eagled herself in front of the door. “Wait, Frieda, everyone, don’t you think you should learn more about this before you give Harold your money?”

  The older lady blinked at her. “What more is there to learn?”

  “Whether or not he’s telling the truth, for one thing.”

  Harold’s eyes narrowed. “My dear, you know my truth is self-evident.”

  “I don’t know any such thing,” she shot back. She turned on him. “This is a scam, Harold. You’ve enticed and enthralled these three into thinking that you’ve got a message that will change the world. All you have is a desire to line your own pockets.”

  “Jo!” Charlotte gasped. “That’s not true.”

  “Certainly not,” Freida added, outraged. “If he’d wanted my money, he would have taken it before now.”

  “Obviously, he wanted more than just yours,” Jo said desperately. “Freida, Charlotte, Cedric, don’t you see that he’s only been setting you up?”

  “That’s preposterous,” Harold scoffed. His tone was firm, but in his eyes she could see fury beginning to spark, telling her he wasn’t as benign as he’d pretended to be. Not that she was surprised. Nothing about him was turning out to be true. “These three pure souls are giving me their money out of kindness and a generous spirit of which you know nothing.” He held up his finger and pointed it at her. “You tricked me,” he roared. “You let me think you were a true believer, but you’re nothing but a fraud, determined to catch me in some lies of your own making.”

  Outraged at the way he was trying to turn the tables on her, Jo said, “Don’t listen to him, please.”

  He ignored her and turned his kindly smile on her friends. “I will be happy to take your funds and I will rush right away to the owner’s home to give him the money and buy this house.”

  “Property sales don’t happen that fast!” Jo said desperately. “You know they don’t, Cedric. Remember when you bought your house? Didn’t it take a while for the paperwo
rk and the title search, and—”

  “I’ve already spoken to Mr. Morales about this,” Harold thundered. “It’s all set.”

  Jo clapped her hands onto her hips. “How is that possible, since he’s off on a fishing trip?”

  CASE PACED by the window. “I’m going over there,” he muttered. “I’m giving them about three more minutes, then I’m going over there. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

  “Oh, don’t worry. It’s working perfectly,” Starina sang out. “Look.”

  Case took his eyes off the window for a minute and swung around to see what she was doing.

  The machine was beginning to rumble and shake. Sparks shot out of one of the gears as it whirred and meshed with another. Starina grabbed an oilcan and rushed forward to squirt it with lubricant. “Only a minor problem,” she shrieked over the din. “Isn’t this wonderful? It’s working perfectly.”

  Alarmed, Case yelled, “Are you sure? Is it supposed to be making that much noise?”

  “Well,” Starina shouted happily. “It might need a few minor adjustments.”

  “I SPOKE to Mr. Morales only this morning…” Harold began.

  “That’s a lie.”

  Harold’s benevolent persona fled as he stepped forward threateningly. “You’re the liar. You’re determined to make these fine people think that I’m a villain.” He looked at them with an appeal in his eyes. “I spoke to Mr. Morales. He’s going to sell me the house as soon as I give him the money, which will then be put into an escrow account at the bank until the paperwork is done.”

  “Don’t believe him, Freida. He’s going to take your money and run. Look at this place,” Jo said, spreading her hands to take in the room and the house. “It’s bare. He has no intention of staying. If you give him your money, he’s going to be out of town with it in a few minutes. His car is probably all packed.”

  “Lies! Outrageous lies!”

  “In fact, this whole idea is something that he’s probably cooked up on the spur of the moment.” She pointed toward the closet. “Somehow he found out this house hooked up to the old mine and he tore out the back of that closet to confirm it. He didn’t even have any tools. He had to borrow a crowbar from Starina.”