Ikigai

by Hildred Billings

  “Not with an actual man, I know.”

  “Or children. I’m sorry.”

  Aiko ignored that. “If it means that much to you, I will go. As support in the support group.” She had another thought. “Could you come into the other room for a moment? I would like you to meet my niece. You and she might actually have something in common, and it would be good for her to meet someone like you.”

  Yuri stuffed her paper back into her bag. “Is this the married one with a girlfriend?”

  “Yes.”

  “The one who lost her...?” Maternal Yuri could not bring herself to say it.

  “Yes.”

  “Kawai sou. Okay, I will meet her for a bit.”

  Aiko escorted her friend into the living area, where she introduced Yuri to Eri and went back to cooking lunch. Yuri ended up staying for lunch and having a brief conversation with Aiko’s niece while the dishes were being washed. When it came time for one or the other to leave, Aiko was surprised to see them choosing to leave together. I didn’t think it would be that easy. But she should have known that a woman searching for another like her was powerful enough to break down the walls of social timidity.

  October was turning into a chilly month as Reina walked down the dark streets of Shinjuku – no, not Ni-chome, but godforsaken Kabuki-cho farther north. She was coming from a drinking party put on by her section chief from work, the sort of Friday night bonding that was mandatory for the men in the business world. I’m not man enough for it. Mostly because she was one of only two women in her department, and the men saw them as beneath common courtesy. But if Reina declined to go, she would put herself in an even more precarious position. Such was business culture... which was a shame, because Reina loved getting roaring drunk sometimes.

  She wasn’t drunk that night. She knocked down two glasses of beer at dinner and called it good. Her male colleagues talked of sports, marriage, celebrity gossip, the same shit women spoke of, but because these men used masculine speech and wore suits, their version had more merit. Reina always sat and listened at these parties, occasionally talking to her other female colleagues but usually waiting to go the hell home. Like now, as she walked through some of the quieter alleys of Kabuki-cho on her way to Shinjuku Station.

  “Mou, we can’t do it here,” came a sultry voice. Reina glanced up for the cigarette she was lighting to see two shadows move at the end of the alley. One man; one woman. The man was goading the woman to have sex with him in public. I know that body language. Long time since Reina had a good fuck in an alley. One of those things better left in the past.

  “Come on, no one will see us.” The man wrapped an arm around the woman’s shoulders and kissed her neck.

  Reina kept her head down as she smoked her cigarette and crept by the couple. Gross. Men having sex in front of her. Gross. Men begging women for sex. Gross. Men blocking her route home. Gross and annoying. Sometimes Reina didn’t know why she wanted to be one.

  “What am I paying you for anyway?” The way he said it was almost loving. Prostitute? Hostess? Why not both? Reina had been to her share of hostess clubs in Kabuki-cho. They never knew what to do with her. Apparently Kaori used to be one for a while. The one time Reina would have gone out of her way to...

  She tripped over a bottle in the alley and almost fell to her knees. Two quick steps later she had caught her balance against the nearest wall, but she had also caught the attention of the couple getting it on only a few meters away.

  “Excuse me,” she mumbled, straightening her clothing and attempting another step forward. That’s when her eyes caught a glimpse of the man’s face.

  “Ya... Yamada-san...” Hiroyuki leaped away from his hired date as if she were covered in spiders. “Small town, eh?”

  Reina couldn’t take her eyes off this philandering scoundrel. Cheating on his wife? She looked at the woman. Twenty, barely. Glittery red dress that covered her torso and not much else. Hiroyuki caught this exchange of knowing looks and released the air from his lungs.

  “Yeah, small town.” Reina grasped the handle of her briefcase and took off.

  The whole way home she wavered between indifference and anger. On one hand, it was none of her business what the neighbors chose to do in their marriage. On the other, Yuri was a nice lady, and Aiko cared for her a lot. Does she know? A fragile thing like Yuri? Hell no! Had she known about her husband the scumbag adulterer, she would have collapsed in Reina’s living room sobbing for a week while Aiko doted on her.

  The event was one of the first things Reina told her wife when she got home. Normally she wasn’t one to gossip about the affairs of men, but she couldn’t hold this one in.

  “You saw Hiroyuki-san paying for a prostitute?” Aiko’s jaw dropped as she took Reina’s jacket in the genkan of their house.

  “Hostess, maybe. He was definitely paying her for sex though.”

  “Ara.”

  Reina stepped into the living area where tea awaited her. A game show played on TV. “I thought you would be more upset by it.”

  Aiko joined her at the sitting table. “Jitsu wa, Yuri-san told me a long while ago that she suspected her husband was doing such things. I think she’s accepted it.”

  That’s terrible. Granted, Yuri was fucking her lesbian neighbor, but Reina doubted that the Furusawas across the street had an arrangement that allowed extramarital play. Reina and Aiko had one, but they weren’t exactly normal. “A girlfriend would be one thing, but a prostitute is something else entirely.” She let Aiko figure the reason for that. STDs. Harder for women to transfer them to each other, but Hiroyuki could still get infected, which would move to Yuri, which would trickle to Aiko, which would complete the chain of crotch-itching numbness to Reina. Give it to my girlfriend next. Her lover Jun down in Nagoya would love an infection courtesy of a prostitute.

  “I don’t think she cares anymore. I get the feeling their marriage is strictly professional.”

  So no STDs trickling down to us? Hallelujah. “Men.”

  “I know.”

  Reina sipped the tea in front of her. “Can’t believe I have to act one sometimes,” she said, referring to what her gender dysphoria drove her to do time and again.

  Aiko patted her spouse’s arm. “You’re better than an actual man, Reina-chan.”

  “That so?”

  Her wife’s smooth fingers pushed into Reina’s hand. “Yes, and I don’t have to worry about those things with you. I know if you want someone or something, you’ll tell me and we’ll go from there.”

  “Hm.” Reina’s feet twitched beneath the table. “But I’m not a man, you know. Really, you don’t know what it’s like to be with a man at all. Just like me.”

  That smile on Aiko’s face soon disappeared. “I suppose so,” she said, taking her hand away from Reina’s.

  A sharp pain shot into Reina’s side. She clutched it with her hand and sucked her breath in between her teeth.

  “What’s wrong?” Aiko asked.

  The pain quickly subsided. “Indigestion. I had pickles at dinner.”

  “How many times do I have to tell you to lay off the vinegar?” Aiko stood up, shaking her head. “Jya, I drew a bath before you got home. Shall we?”

  They bathed together like always, Reina shedding her masculine clothing to reveal her female body. As she dunked her head in bathwater and listened to her wife prattle about her work and studies, she thought back to Hiroyuki in that alley, going behind his wife’s back to get some. Is that what men do? More water coursed over her scalp. Would I have to do that if I wanted to be a man? She meant it when she said Aiko knew nothing about living with a man. Reina wasn’t her husband. Nor did she think she identified as a man. Then what am I? The same question she always found herself asking. It only made her stomach hurt more.

  The Chinese tea shop was packed with people, mostly aunties, telling tales of growing up wherever they were from while swapping gossip with whoever would listen. At least
that’s what Aiko imagined as she sat in the middle of the fray and listened. I don’t speak a lick of Mandarin. Something she was constantly reminded of whenever her student began cursing in her dialect.

  Mrs. Liu was the wife of a businessman recently transferred to Tokyo. They were well off enough to live in an executive suite on the outskirts of the city, but not rich enough to hire cream of the crop English tutors. Therefore Mrs. Liu made use of Aiko, who charged for her skill level but not for her experience. Her English would get better if we met more often. And if she didn’t hang out in the local Chinese expatriate café all day. Seemed they couldn’t go two minutes without someone flagging down the middle-aged woman and chatting to her in Mandarin. It made trying to get Mrs. Liu to talk about the weather and her latest shopping trip a bigger pain than it should have been.

  Whatever, I get paid either way. Aiko also got to drink delicious herbal tea and immerse herself in a culture she rarely encountered quite like this. While yet another friend took up Mrs. Liu’s time, Aiko caught sight of a woman her own age drifting through the crowded café and up to the counter.

  She was tall but slouched comfortably as she walked, a gait so confident that she attracted more than a few glances from around the room. That and her long, blond hair pulled back from her face. Aiko had spent enough time in this café lately to pinpoint something off about the woman. The people who frequented the Chinese café all had features that Aiko’s fellow Japanese termed “distinctly Chinese.” But this woman had them and the facial features Aiko was more used to seeing on any street in Japan. She must be half. Aiko hadn’t known a half-Chinese, half-Japanese blond woman since...

  “Yatsumi?”

  Although she said it quietly, the woman stopped and looked at her with carry-out tea in hand. It is! She hadn’t seen her in years – at least fifteen! She was one of the first friends Aiko made when she and Reina moved in together. Wasn’t she dating Reina’s ex? They moved to Beijing together so Yatsumi could learn the family business. According to the nice clothes she wore now, some goals had been achieved.

  “Aiko-san?”

  While Mrs. Liu became hopelessly entranced with everything but her English lesson, Aiko squared her shoulders and nodded. The woman approached the table and stood behind an empty chair.

  “Ohisashiburi,” Yatsumi said. They were now close enough that Aiko could see the other ways in which her friend had aged over the years. Her face was fuller, with crow’s feet beginning to track on her skin and wrinkles pulling on her cheeks. And yet she still dyes her hair blond. Though Aiko noticed that the rainbow tips Yatsumi used to always sport were gone now. “I never thought I would see you around, let alone in here.”

  “Oh, working. But I’m on break now.”

  Yatsumi smiled. “Same. May I join you?”

  What a strange yet delightful occurrence. Aiko and Yatsumi talked for the better of a half hour, their Japanese conversation drowning out the Mandarin around them. They talked of where and what they had been these past few years, Aiko speaking of her home life with Reina and their recent marriage. Yatsumi talked about coming to Tokyo to possibly expand her family’s business internationally. They were still “small time” according to her, but they had good capital and were looking to start making their next marks.

  There was one thing Yatsumi never brought up, and Aiko had to ask in order to calm her curiosity. “Whatever happened to Mio-san?”

  The pleasant demeanor enshrouding Yatsumi evaporated. “I should’ve known you were going to ask about her.” Her frown was not severe, but noticeable nonetheless. “In truth, I haven’t talked to her in a while.”

  Aiko grimaced. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t sure if you two had broken up or not.”

  “Oh... we’re not really broken up.” A small smile returned. “We’re on a break right now. We go on lots of breaks these days. Though this one has been going on some five months now.”

  “I see...”

  “You remember how she was. Well, she hasn’t changed much.” Yatsumi’s fingers touched the outline of her cup. “She gets overwhelmed easily. Never got the hang of Mandarin, so Beijing isolates her. She’s also the type to want to wander aimlessly. We were attached at the hip for the first few years, but now...” A reverent smile. “I’ll wake up and she’s gone. Last I heard she was in Fukuoka City staying with a cousin while she worked on some writing. She published poetry here in Japan, you know.”

  “Really? I had no idea.”

  “Apparently that ended up being her calling.”

  “Aren’t you worried about her right now?”

  “She’s tough. When she’s ready to get back together she’ll call me. I might stop in Fukuoka before heading back to China to see her for a couple of days... if I can find her.”

  Aiko felt the need to make things more lighthearted again. “Is she still obsessed with that one Takarazuka actress?”

  “Oh, God, don’t remind me. That’s a sickness for life!”

  “I’ll take that as a yes.”

  Yatsumi laughed, and Aiko remembered what she liked about her as a friend. She was so funny and friendly. When someone wasn’t pissing her off over feminism or gay rights, of course. Yatsumi chose her friends carefully, but when she chose them, she loved them more than anyone. I wish we hadn’t lost contact. “When you love somebody,” Yatsumi started saying, “you overlook those things. She ain’t as bad as she used to be, anyway.”

  “That’s good to hear.”

  “But she’ll always be aimless and misdirected. I’ve accepted that. Even though it can be painful to see someone you love who has yet to discover their ikigai.”

  Aiko cocked her head. Has Reina found her reason to live? Of course she had. It was called women and sex. Reina would achieve nirvana the moment she got the harem of her dreams. “That’s unfortunate,” Aiko said. “I hope she can find it someday soon.”

  “You and me both.”

  They spoke for a few more minutes, exchanging email addresses and promising to stay in touch. Aiko knew how that went, yet she hoped that it could be true just this once. When Yatsumi had to leave to go back to work, Aiko was left with Mrs. Liu, who still refused to practice her English in a timely manner.

  It was late afternoon by the time Aiko left the Chinese café and made it back to her train station. The fog from earlier had long since burned off, smattering the asphalt outside the station with liquid crystals. Aiko held her hand out to test if she needed an umbrella or not. She decided that it was safe to stroll home when a familiar face popped up beside her.

  “Good afternoon.” Takeshi had his folded umbrella balancing over his shoulder alongside his book bag.

  Aiko nearly jumped out of her skin in both fright and pleasant surprise. “Good afternoon. What are you doing here? I thought you rode your bike to the school and back.” You almost running me over was how we met.

  “Bike’s in the shop, I’m afraid. Besides, gloomy day like today... I’d rather take the train. What are you doing here?”

  Are we friends again? Their lunch together the other day was still their only meeting since somewhat reconciling. Takeshi didn’t call, text, or stop by Aiko’s house like he used to. Not that he now knew she was married... to a woman who made it clear she didn’t like him. “I just got done tutoring someone. And now I’m wondering what to make for dinner.”

  An icicle grew between them. “For you and your...”

  Aiko gave a curt nod. “My spouse is a terrible cook. Last time I let her try cooking she grated a carrot until it was nothing but shreds in a sink.”

  One beat later, Takeshi laughed. Aiko hadn’t heard that sound in over a year. “Since we’re both here,” he said. “Why don’t you come over to my place for a few minutes? This past year I managed to get my hands on quite a few books I think you would like. Both classic and modern. Do you know Graeme C. Simsion? I think you would like his most recent novel.”

  In a strange and twisting turn of events,
Aiko found herself ambling down a different road as she went to Takeshi’s house in the next neighborhood. A year since she was last there. He kissed me here. Before he knew that Aiko was already taken. Odd to sit at his table and flip through books he wanted to loan her to read and discuss. Since taking the job at the college, Aiko thought she had found her outlet for loving English. But now that she was back in a leisurely frame of mind instead of work related, she realized that she missed this as much as she missed Takeshi’s general companionship.

  “I think it’s a curry kind of night, don’t you?” he said, as Aiko put her shoes on and prepared to leave with a sack full of books. “I might make some for dinner tonight. But I won’t invite your significant other to slice my carrots for me.”

  Aiko left with a wary smile on her face. Curry does sound good. She stopped by the corner grocer’s to pick up ingredients to make it for dinner.

  Reina entered the bar with an empty stomach, a cramped abdomen, and muscles so sore she could barely move.

  “Irasshai,” greeted the bartender. She turned around and revealed herself to be Shio once more. “Ah, you’re back again already?”

  Reina sat at the bar with her face in her hands. “Turning it into a Tuesday tradition,” she mumbled. “Wife’s working late again.” At least this time it was prearranged, getting Reina to her favorite lesbian restaurant and bar in a good amount of time. Too bad her menstrual cramps were so bad she was convinced an actual shark was thrashing around in her uterus.

  Shio had her undivided attention thanks to an empty bar on a Tuesday night. Reina sat in the corner again, but this time with a pained expression so bad the bartender pursed her lips. “Do you need something hard?” she asked. “Or maybe I should get you a sledgehammer to do yourself in.”

  “Both would be good, but I’ll take a beer instead. And yakisoba, I guess.” Reina dropped her briefcase onto the floor and wrapped her arms on the counter.

  She dozed while Shio got her beer and prepared her dinner. The yakisoba wasn’t much better than what she could get at a convenience store, but this beat sitting on a train for another 30 minutes while wanting to die. The only reason Reina wanted to be home would be to change into pajamas and take a hot bath. A massage would really help too. She doubted Aiko would be up for the latter.