Ikigai

by Hildred Billings

  “You look very nice in your costume, Haruka-san,” Aiko said, lips turning inward as her eyes also lingered on a certain spot. At least she was on the same page as her spouse. Work her. Haruka responded better to Aiko than to Reina.... for some reason. She likes to be bitter until she’s actually in bed. Haruka admitted as much the last time she and Reina were alone together.

  “Yours is nice too. And yours...” she stared at Reina. “I have no idea who you’re supposed to be.”

  Neither do I. Reina slinked up next to Haruka, close enough to smell her sweat. “Oh, don’t you know? I’m the woman you’re going home with tonight.”

  “Smooth. I ain’t going home with no one but my girlfriend tonight. Sorry. We have plans.”

  Aiko turned away to laugh at her spouse’s expense. “Plans can change,” Reina said.

  Haruka held up her hand and walked away. “Not tonight.”

  “Well!” Reina shrugged. “So much for that.” Good thing she’s not one of the only women here. Endless possibilities, if Aiko were willing to wait for her spouse to work her magic.

  “Excuse me.” One of the women Haruka had been talking to bumped into Reina.

  Why hello there. Tall, great posture, a few ear piercings and hair that had been bleached blond and then temporarily dyed red and spiked for the party, probably to match the rocker clothing hanging from her frame. Another girl was with her, also dressed like a rock star, but she was plainer and didn’t have such excellent posture. Aiko sighed the moment she saw “the look” on Reina’s face.

  She bought them all drinks, offering a cigarette to the couple while they made small talk.

  “No thanks,” the blonde said. “I’m a singer. Have to maintain my voice.”

  That sounded like a challenge to Reina. By the end of the night she was going to make this young woman strain her voice.

  As it turned out, they all strained their voices, most of all the singer, who belted out half an opera when Reina went down on her later that night.

  “Nemu-uuu.”

  “Me too.” Aiko stumbled into her bedroom, nightgown barely on after her and Reina’s bath. Her spouse flopped onto the bed and almost conked out right there. Long work day for the both of us. Aiko pulled another triple shift before wandering home to find her spouse passed out on the sitting room table with a bowl of instant noodles. Reina said something about running errands in her office building all day as they settled into the bath and tried not to fall asleep there.

  Aiko went around the bedroom, turning off the space heater and putting some of her laundry away. Her bones ached; her body was about to riot if she didn’t go to bed. It was barely nine and she was already turning into a pumpkin. She didn’t know if it was age or what.

  “Aw, shit,” she said, staring at the window overlooking the neighbor’s rooftop. “I forgot to close the shutters earlier.”

  Reina patted her wife’s side of the bed. “Forget it. Just leave it and come to bed.”

  “It’ll be colder in here if I don’t close the shutters.”

  “Whatever.”

  After a moment’s deliberation, Aiko turned off the overhead light and climbed into bed. One night with the shutters open won’t kill us. Japanese houses were not the most insulated in the world. During the colder months of the year, it was imperative to close the shutters to keep the heat in at night. That and Aiko was paranoid that someone would peer through their window and see them being lesbians together. Since they obviously were not having sex that night... Fuck it. Aiko sighed in relief as her head hit her pillow.

  She then gagged as the scent of intense perfume hit her nostrils.

  “I need to wash the linens tomorrow,” she said, already dreading using her day off to do such a menial chore. “Those girls smelled like they bathed in cologne.”

  Heavy breaths shot out of Reina’s nostrils. “I don’t smell anything.”

  “Of course you don’t.” Reina’s pillow wasn’t the one that had two young women in rock star costumes rubbing all over it. As much fun as Aiko had that night with their new acquaintances, she was not impressed with what they left lingering behind. Especially on her damned pillow. “Oyasumi, Reina.” Aiko pushed her nose into her spouse’s chest. She inhaled, relaxing in her Reina’s natural scent.

  Within seconds she dozed off into a slumber.

  And within another few seconds she was awakened by a loud thump outside the window.

  “Nani sore?” Reina said, detaching from her wife so she could look over her shoulder. “A bird?”

  Aiko stretched out and found a new position on her side of the bed. “Who cares?”

  Another thump, this one louder and with a shriek to go with it.

  Reina was up, and Aiko was not far behind as more screams and shouts erupted in the street. They peered through the unshuttered window, pressing their cheeks against the glass so they could get a good look of the street.

  Lights were turning on in the neighbors’ houses as well. Nosy aunties and their sleepy husbands appeared in their windows. Everyone looked toward the same house, the source of the angry shouting.

  Yuri’s house.

  Aiko had a perfect view of it, since her friend lived in perfect view of the window. All the lights were on in the windows, save for one, which Aiko knew was the little girl’s room. Shadows zoomed around the living area of the house before the front door opened and Hiroyuki stormed out, his work jacket off as he swung the front gate open and skulked into the street.

  Yuri was not far behind, her frantic movements only matched by her shrieking.

  “Don’t you dare insult me when I know you’re cavorting with a hostess!” Aiko had never heard her timid friend sound like this before. “Where are you going? To your girlfriend’s? Isn’t it past her bedtime?”

  Hiroyuki pivoted where he stood in the middle of the street. “At least I’m not a....!”

  They both stood in the street now, every neighbor watching from some unshuttered room. “Not a what?” Yuri said, hands on her hips. “You’re too chickenshit to say it!”

  The light turned on in their daughter’s room. Hana slid open her shutter and looked outside, her sleepy face gaping at her parents’ spectacle. Her father threw his hands into the air and stomped off with a grunt of disgust.

  Yuri remained in the street for a few more seconds, watching her husband stomp off toward the train station. “Where are you going?” she asked once more, before gathering her wits and going back into her house.

  Aiko pried herself away from the window and dove for her cell phone on the nightstand. She attempted to text her neighbor, but didn’t get a reply in a timely manner. She then called Yuri, but was sent straight to voicemail.

  “Come on,” Reina said, climbing back into bed. “Let’s go to sleep.”

  “Sleep? But what about Yuri-san?”

  “You can talk to her tomorrow, I’m sure.”

  Aiko didn’t want to wait until tomorrow. She went back to the window and looked out, but the lights were turning off in the Furusawa house, and Hiroyuki never came back that night.

  So much for sleeping well. Aiko tossed and turned to the nightmarish sounds of her best friend, neighbor, and lover crying out in fear and pain.

  Yuri was quieter than usual the next day when she met with Aiko in a café near their neighborhood. Originally Aiko had offered to go to Yuri’s or to have Yuri come visit her so they could talk privately, but the text she received in response said, “I don’t think it’s a good idea that we’re seen together on our street right now.” Aiko was lucky that her spouse was already at work when that text came in. She would say it’s about me. Reina was always paranoid about that. After so many years together, it rubbed off on Aiko.

  “So I suppose you heard that ruckus last night...” Yuri mumbled over her cooling cup of coffee. They picked a café that was busy enough that it would be hard for others to eavesdrop, but this meant Aiko had to lean across the table so she c
ould hear her friend.

  “Yes, we did.” Aiko didn’t mention the rest of the neighborhood as well. Nobody has a screaming match and nobody else hears. Let alone in the middle of the street! “What happened?”

  Yuri rubbed the handle of her cup with a frown on her face. “My husband found out.”

  Somehow Aiko had known that. “How so?”

  “It’s complicated...” Yuri shook her head. Usually her black tresses bounced with their tiny curls, but today her hair was limp and dull. Red rings and black bags marred her eyes, the signs of a woman up all night crying. I wish we were home. She would hold her friend and let her cry, sleep, or whatever she needed to do in a safe space. “He had been hearing the gossip about you and Reina-san. Finally, last night he asked me about it. Asked me if I knew what people were saying about my friend and our neighbors. I told him of course I knew it. It would be dumb to deny it. Well, naturally he asked me if I thought it was true. Obviously I would know better than some aunties he overheard at the train station. I told him it wasn’t any of my business what you two do in your house.”

  “I see...” Aiko stared at the table, knuckles turning white as she clenched her coffee cup.

  “Dunno why, but for some stupid reason I then said that it didn’t matter to me if you were gay or not. You were still my best friend, so I would support you as long as you weren’t hurting anybody. My husband got irritated... he said that it wasn’t a good influence for our daughter. If you were like that, I shouldn’t support it because it made it look acceptable, and we have to be good role models to our daughter. I got angry. How could I not when he was talking about me as well? So I told him that a person’s sexuality doesn’t determine if they’re a nice or decent person. There are terrible heterosexuals just like there are terrible homosexuals. But if you were, then you weren’t terrible. I started projecting... I told him what if it was me? What if I was lez?”

  “You didn’t!”

  Yuri rubbed her eye. “I did. I was so angry I wanted to scream at him. Scream that I liked girls too, and there was nothing wrong with it! I think he saw it in my eyes. He asked me if I was gay. What could I do?” A tear fell down Yuri’s cheek. “I didn’t want to lie to him. Not directly like that. So I didn’t say anything.”

  Aiko reached across the table and took her friend’s hand. “Kawai sou,” she said, offering her condolences.

  “Then he lost it. He accused me of being gay, but worst of all, he said I was being unfaithful with you. How could he know that so quickly? It must have been another rumor he heard. Do people talk about you and me because we see each other so often?”

  “Perhaps so.” A danger, sadly.

  “He was so angry. I have never seen my husband that upset at me before... he threw a glass at the wall and told me I was a bad wife and mother, because I had the gall to have a lesbian affair. At first I was frightened. And then I got angry too. How could he say that to me, when I knew he was seeing a hostess for many months now? I confronted him about it. I told him I knew all about his mistress, and that he had no right to be so hypocritical. At least I don’t spend our money on you like he does her. I don’t know, I found it so... baseless. I never confronted him about this other woman, so what right did he have to get angry about me and you?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “That’s all there is to it. He ran off and I haven’t heard from him since. I think he went to see her.” More tears. “I hate it,” Yuri said, fending off a sob. “What has happened to my husband and me? He used to be my best friend. That’s why I married him!”

  Aiko pulled a handkerchief out of her purse and passed it to Yuri. After curt thanks, Yuri dabbed her eyes and sniffed.

  “It hurt my feelings when I found out about his mistress. But you and I were already... you know... so I decided we were even. I even deluded myself into thinking that he knew about it but wasn’t going to say anything for the same reasons. At this point in our marriage... why would it matter?” Yuri laughed, but it was not in mirth. Instead she cackled like a deranged woman, the handkerchief twisting in her hands. “We haven’t had sex in months!”

  Aiko finally took a sip of her coffee, now almost too cool to drink. “I’m sorry I have helped cause this.”

  “Oh, don’t be.” Yuri handed the handkerchief back. “If it wasn’t this, it would be something else. I just wish... he wasn’t so damn stubborn. And I hate that we embarrassed ourselves like that. But I was so mad! Even my daughter looked at me differently this morning before she went to school.”

  “If there’s anything I can do...”

  Yuri looked out the window. “I know today is your day off, but... if we could go somewhere, I would be grateful.”

  “Of course.” Aiko picked her purse up. “Where do you want to go?”

  “Anywhere that isn’t around here.” Yuri glanced at her, something angry behind her eyes. “Where we can be alone.”

  Aiko understood, even if she was tired and it would be a slight inconvenience. Easier if they went to her house, but of course Yuri didn’t want to be seen coming or going from there right now. So she went with her friend to the register to pay for their coffee before getting a train with her and going somewhere. Anywhere. It didn’t matter which station they got off at. They were all the same in shops, restaurants, and hotels. To be on the safe side, Aiko pulled Yuri off the train at a major station, taking her to the nearest by-the-hour hotel. She paid, and escorted her friend to a room on the top floor.

  She didn’t know what Yuri would want. Sometimes she was so shy that – even after all this time –she couldn’t take off her clothes without giggling. Other times she was mischievous, wanting to try new things that would otherwise make her gasp in scandal. Today there was no telling which way Yuri would go. Either her passion would take over, or she would be a doll.

  Aiko didn’t encourage her to act either way, instead waiting for Yuri to take the initiative. After they drank their complimentary tea in silence, Aiko draped herself across the bed and texted someone at work while Yuri continued to stare out the hotel window. In time she got up and began undressing before joining Aiko on the bed and asking for it to be anything, as long as it was loud.

  So Aiko made love to her, hard, soft, but always loud. In a love hotel away from their neighborhood, they could be loud, slamming the headboard against the wall while grunting and groaning as noisily as they pleased. Yuri even surprised her friend at one point, toppling Aiko and straddling her hips before riding her like an animal. Yuri, the eternal submissive, had never done something like this before.

  The desire to hold and comfort her didn’t manifest until afterward, when Yuri curled up in Aiko’s arms and wept softly into her embrace. Most people didn’t want to see or hear tears after sex. But for Yuri it was catharsis, and in a way it was cathartic for Aiko as well. She wants to be herself and be loved. Aiko could relate to that. Her friend’s ikigai seemed so simple, yet she picked a path that most people never had the chance to traverse.

  Reina received a call from her wife during her lunch break on Thursday, stating that she was too tired to cook that night. “Let’s go out to dinner,” Aiko said, her voice languid. “Come pick me up after work?”

  The university was on the loop home from Reina’s office building, so it wasn’t an inconvenient request. She neither got off at Shinjuku nor at her connecting station home, like she usually would after work. Instead she got off at a station in the middle of Nowhere, Tokyo, where the university her wife worked at was the only noteworthy thing for a kilometer in any direction. Young co-eds trotted out of the main campus building and onto the sidewalk, talking about homework and karaoke. Walking in her pantsuit and carrying her briefcase, Reina hardly looked like she belonged there.

  A text from Aiko told Reina where to find her. The building had a wing housing the childcare section, and within that was the English daycare where Aiko worked. Reina found her wife saying goodbye to her coworker, jacket draped over her a
rm while her other hand carried her empty bento from lunch.

  “What a long day,” Aiko said as they shuffled down the hallway. “This morning alone there was an injury with one of the students, and another peed himself right before lunch. After these past couple of days I am so tired... sorry I’m not up to cooking anything tonight.”

  Reina held her briefcase over her shoulder and refrained from touching her wife. As far as she knew, Aiko was not out to anyone at work, and Reina was not about to stir the pot. “I had a boring day. Same old thing.”

  They rounded a corner and nearly bumped into a man.

  “Ah, Takeshi-san...” Aiko froze like a snowman at the sight of him. “Please excuse us.”

  God fucking help me. This douche. Over a year since Reina last saw Takeshi, the man who kissed her wife. The last time they saw each other... Aiko had come out, and Reina asserted herself as if she had something to lose. I did. For a while she was petrified that her Aiko would want out of the lesbian game.

  Now Takeshi stood before her again, looking like a dick in his dark jeans, windbreaker, and sloppy hair that needed combing after coming in from outside. Some women would say he was handsome, but not Reina. Looks like a weasel. She vaguely heard from Aiko that she and Takeshi were on speaking terms again.

  “Aiko-san,” he nodded curtly, as if he had better things to go do. “And...” He looked at Reina with a sharpened edge.

  “Reina, my spouse,” Aiko said. “We were going to dinner.”

  “I see. Take care.” Takeshi glowered at Reina again before going on his way.

  Reina said nothing as they picked a restaurant. She would say I’m paranoid. Aiko always said she was paranoid. What she didn’t understand was that there was a lot to be paranoid about. When a woman is gay, some people want to hurt her. Take her. Dominate her. Treat her like a piece of meat. Reina liked to do certain things in bed with the women she met, but nothing like that. I don’t own anybody but myself. Men liked to think they owned everything, and everyone.