Ikigai

by Hildred Billings

  “Except for the part where you’re both women.”

  Aiko couldn’t tell if that was derision or candor in Takeshi’s voice. Maybe she didn’t want to know. “Does it bother you?”

  “What? That you’re gay? No.” What Takeshi didn’t say, however, did not go unheard. He’s mad I wasn’t forthright about it. He thought she led him on, or something. In truth, Aiko had, a little. Back then she was fantasizing about men, mostly because she wanted a baby... well, she moved on from the baby thing, but some others...

  She put her hand down at the same time as Takeshi, and their fingers touched. Aiko snapped her hand back.

  He once kissed me.

  With everything else going on in her life – the friend, the spouse, the work, the family – she didn’t have time to sort out her feelings on something that had been hanging in the back of her mind for a while. Those fantasies she once had about men, including Takeshi, had never really gone away. A part of her was still curious, especially when it came to the differences between making love to women and men – or making love to women who played the role of a man, as Reina often did. I thought it was because I wanted a baby... As the months went by, she slowly discovered that certain parts of her fantasy did not abate.

  It didn’t help that Takeshi was probably still interested in her, even though he held it back for the sake of friendship. It also didn’t help that Aiko found him attractive, although she didn’t know if it was sexual or not. I’m gay, not dead. But was she gay? That was the question that froze her heart every time she thought of it... the one that made her bite her nails and forget to eat, even with food right in front of her.

  There was no one to whom she could tell these feelings. Not to Takeshi, who wouldn’t understand; not to her family, who would tell her she was finally coming to her senses; not to Yuri, who was non-committal...

  And definitely, definitely not to Reina, who was the worst of them all when it came to the idea of Aiko being involved with a man. She was too insecure to handle her wife considering a man’s physique and wondering what it was like to have it between her legs in bed.

  That’s what made her feel lost. If she couldn’t tell her spouse, the woman she loved and confided in for everything else, then who could she tell at all?

  Regardless of what certain people said over the years, Reina had never been to an adult film set before and had no idea what to expect when she walked into one later that day.

  “Oh, look who managed to show up,” Mayumi said, two clipboards in her hands as she paced around the set. “If we weren’t paying you, I would’ve considered you a wash until now.”

  Paying me nothing. Reina could pay her phone bill with what Mayumi was paying that day, but that was about it. Maybe she would take Aiko out for a nice dinner instead. “Sorry, I was at therapy and then had to make a mad dash here.” Although she only had to go one ward over to Shibuya from Shinjuku, the trains were always packed on Saturday. It also didn’t help that Mayumi rented a room to film in out in the boonies of Shibuya, since such a thing apparently existed. Reina changed trains so many times to get there that she was almost better off riding a bike as the crow flies. “So this is what a porn set looks like?”

  Mayumi hounded her for calling it porn again, but Reina’s point still stood. The room was dark, with a few set lights primed for use around the main area of the room. The dark pink walls closed in on a bed and a couch, each cleaned to perfection – and to keep hygiene laws happy. Behind the fourth wall, however, was an assortment of chairs, a table full of bento for staff, and a small cordoned off dressing area, currently occupied by Ami.

  “There you are,” she said, wearing only a white nightgown. A small selection of costumes hung on a rack behind her. “I was afraid you weren’t going to come see my debut.”

  “Eh?” Reina leaned against the wall, arms crossed and foot tapping the ground. “I was under the impression you had quite a few debuts by now.”

  “Not something like this. Although you are correct in saying that I have done, uh, videos before. Professional, even.”

  “Oh?”

  Ami stood up, her long hair draping across her shoulders. “With men, though. Sorry.”

  She was called away by the director, Pen, the only one out of the bunch there wearing jeans and flannel. And they say I’m ridiculously lesbian. Reina’s flannel collection was woefully small. Though when she thought about it, the season of wearing flannel was fast approaching. The other day she caught Aiko going to bed in such a shirt.

  “Reina-san...”

  She turned to see Kaori, sans her girlfriend for the first time in forever, standing off to the side. “Yeah?” Sometimes Reina still wasn’t used to Kaori referring to her so casually. Well, it was casual for her. “You ready to watch some women have sex?”

  A chirp, and then Kaori slammed her clipboard against her lips. What do they keep in these clipboards? Was there an outline for how this “erotica” was supposed to go? Was everything scripted like in the movies? Probably.

  “Where’s your girlfriend?”

  “Haruka? She’s at home. She didn’t want to come tonight.”

  That’s fine, because I can think of two women who will be coming tonight. Actually, just the one. Reina didn’t know who the other woman was supposed to be. “Give her my regards. And tell her things are more fun when she’s around being sassy.” That young woman was one of the few Reina could tolerate acting like that. Probably because once they were in the right situation, Haruka let go of the façade and just had fun. So does her girlfriend.

  Aside from Reina, Kaori, Mayumi, Pen, and Ami, there were three other women on the set that evening. One of them was Ami’s “modeling” partner, a professional adult video actress who agreed to work cheap when she heard what it was for. The other women were lighting and camera technicians. There were two cameras on the set: one stationary with a full shot of the scene, and the other handheld. Both camerawomen bickered over who was going to do what.

  This assortment of women did not include Ami’s girlfriend, who wandered in and out of the set because she had to “make sure that Ami’s business integrity was kept intact.” Whatever that meant. Reina couldn’t imagine being romantically involved with a business partner. Hell, she couldn’t imagine having a business partner.

  The closer they got to show time, the more flurried the scene became. Ami and the other women spent the whole time in the dressing area, trying on outfits and doing their hair and make-up. Ami’s girlfriend helped her get ready, while the other woman corralled Kaori into wasting half a can of hairspray. Porn, everyone. So far there wasn’t a genuine thing about this. Maybe Reina was jaded.

  She always knew that erotic films were tailored from start to finish, but the reality of it didn’t hit her until that night when she saw it for herself. Sure, she was hired to be “the target audience,” telling Pen to make sure the camera caught certain things because most women would like to see that. Or so she supposed. As she told everyone a million times, she didn’t care much for porn. Especially now, when Ami and the other woman had to stop having sex every minute because something happened, such as a leg cramp, a bad angle of the sex toy, or because they needed more lube. There was little organic about it, although they were encouraged to do whatever struck their fancy together. Ami took control, since heaven forbid there not be clear roles in porn, and Reina sat in a chair with a stomachache while she fantasized about having a private turn with the beautiful woman currently having sex on camera.

  The only genuine things Reina detected that night were the orgasms. At least those she could commend. I would’ve done better. Not that she was volunteering.

  “Cut. That’s a wrap.” Applause went up as Ami rolled off her partner and got up to put on a white robe. As the production crew cleaned up the set, the actresses went back to start eating dinner from the bento while Kaori and Mayumi talked about how the scene should be edited. Reina didn’t want anything to do with that.
She went to get dinner, sitting next to Ami who still smelled of another woman’s scent.

  “I saw you watching,” the tall femme said as she chewed on her chopsticks. “Did you enjoy the show?”

  Reina stabbed a cold shrimp in her salad. “I should be asking you that.”

  The other woman continued to give her a long, warm glare. “I don’t mean tonight. I mean any night you logged in to watch me.”

  Shrimp almost clogged Reina’s throat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Uh huh. Sure.”

  Reina almost didn’t. She had only logged in once to watch Ami’s weeknight show on her webcam. Since she didn’t pay for any private time, she was kicked off when Ami went private with another client. Before that, however, she was treated to a striptease that would’ve made the Pope abdicate. Her only regret was that Aiko didn’t get to watch it too.

  “Too bad you have a job,” Ami continued. “I would invite you as a guest on my show anytime you wanted. I’m sure some of my regulars would pay top dollar to see you fuck me.”

  Chopsticks clattered on the table, and it wasn’t because Ami’s girlfriend appeared to discuss the star’s schedule for the next week. Lucky shit doesn’t know how good she has it. Reina already had enough women in her life, with a wife, a girlfriend, and the regulars that came and went in her bedroom, but she swore she had room for one more. Especially if that one was someone as sexually available as Ami. Reina broke one of her chopsticks and whipped out her cell phone. She texted Aiko, channeling her frustration elsewhere. Damn, her stomach hurt.

  Going home that evening – alone, of course – made her antsier than usual. She didn’t know how she felt about what happened that evening, nor did she know how to talk about it with Aiko. Because she’s going to ask me. Reina chewed on her bottom lip as she sprawled out in a train seat, arms crossed and chest heaving rapid breaths. If only those other people on the train knew what she had done. Made some porn, everyone. No big deal. She was so desensitized to watching women have sex in real life that the filmed aspect of it didn’t hit her until that moment.

  Aiko asked about it, of course.

  “It was boring,” Reina said, downplaying her attraction to Ami. “It took two hours to film twenty minutes of sex, because the director kept cutting it to change the camera angle or to ask them to try something else. This is why I don’t like porn. Even if they’re making it for other women, it’s still porn.”

  Aiko was serving tea when she heard her spouse say this. “So I take it you won’t be rushing out to buy a copy when it comes out. A pity, because I certainly want to see it.”

  Reina laughed at that.

  ***

  Aiko tried to get her spouse to tell her more about making erotic films. She didn’t want to admit it out loud to Reina, but she had a mild fascination with the idea. Getting to help make erotic films for non-straight women? Aiko wished she could be involved somehow. Not as an actress – although that gave her a short, cheap thrill to think about – but as a consultant like her spouse. Hell, she heard that Kaori was involved too. Seemed like everyone around her had a more interesting life than her. Not new.

  There were other things she wanted to talk about too, as she finished cleaning her kitchen and then ran a bath for her and Reina to enjoy together. She debated bringing up her lunchtime with Takeshi while she and Reina soaked in the tub, hot steam filling the small bathroom as they cuddled in soapy bath, one whining about hard-assed therapists while the other daydreamed about what happened that day. I can’t believe I am attracted to him. Aiko was used to being attracted to other women. Reina encouraged it since her wife being flirty and sexual turned her on like nothing else. But she somehow doubted Reina would be into her wife making eyes at a man, let alone Takeshi.

  I can’t tell her. Aiko wrapped her arms around her spouse’s naked body and leaned against her wet, bony shoulder. Steam condensed on their skin, clearing Aiko’s nostrils. I can’t tell her that I might be attracted to a man.

  It would be too much for Reina to bear, psychologically and emotionally. She would think it meant she wasn’t man enough for her wife. While Reina claimed to not be transgender, she still had one or two days a week where she was noticeably more masculine. She didn’t have to say it. Aiko could tell from the way her spouse walked, talked, and treated her. Not in a bad way, just different from the all-woman Reina she had fallen in love with. I love man-Reina as well. But man-Reina was insecure and needed constant validation from her (or his?) wife.

  Aiko talking about her attraction to a man may not bother Reina at first, but later, when she was feeling more masculine…

  I can’t tell her.

  But the feelings were still there. Her wavering desire to kiss a man again. Over twenty years since she last kissed a man. Stubble. Angles. Nothing like the women she had kissed over the past two decades.

  She had done everything else in her life. Women. Threesomes. Orgies with strangers. Kink up the wall. Outdoors, indoors, anywhere. All with women. It seemed strange to be a forty-year-old woman and not know something as simple as a man’s sexual touch.

  Am I bisexual? It was a question she asked at least once a day now.

  When they left the bath, Aiko dried off by herself as Reina stayed in the steamy room to clean some things up. As the cream-colored towel passed over Aiko’s breasts, she realized that she was aroused. She looked at Reina as she emerged, naked and still wet from their bath. Reina bent down to pick up another towel, giving Aiko a full view of her spouse’s spine.

  “Reina,” Aiko said, running her fingers through her damp hair. “Do you have any other plans tonight?”

  She glanced up at her wife, shrugging. “Not really.”

  Aiko said nothing. She figured her spouse would realize what she wanted when she dropped her towel and pinned Reina to the floor right there.

  “Damn, woman,” Reina said a few minutes later, hair mussed from pushing it around the carpet on the floor. “Wait until we get upstairs, would you?”

  “Don’t you wanna do it?” Aiko sat up, pulling the towel back on. Just make love to me. Reina knew how.

  “Sure. But at least wait until we get upstairs. I want to take medicine for my stomach.”

  “It’s still hurting?”

  “Been bothering me all day.”

  “You do that then. I’m going upstairs to get ready.”

  “I’m being spoiled!”

  Aiko dashed upstairs to their room, never bothering with the nightgown she took downstairs to change into after the bath. I’ve got something better. Something to entice Reina with. Aiko opened a bureau drawer and pulled out her red negligee, the same one she wore whenever she wanted to arouse her spouse on sight.

  Reina still wasn’t up by the time Aiko finished getting dressed. She turned the light on its minimum setting for a romantic glow and climbed onto bed, debating how she wanted to display herself. I want her to want me so badly she can’t help herself. No, that was too obvious. I want her to devour me with her eyes before she devours me with her body. Too ordinary. Aiko didn’t know what she wanted from her spouse.

  No, she knew.

  I want that Reina. The one who saw Aiko as a completely different gender from herself, the epitome of femme and all it entailed. The Reina that made Aiko feel like a queen.

  The one that came closest to claiming the title of her king.

  Aiko rolled onto her spouse’s side of the bed and opened the bottom nightstand drawer. So many sex toys, all neatly packed according to size and function, divided but on display. There were the small ones on top that were sometimes used on Reina, but more often on guests since Aiko graduated from them years ago. There were medium sized ones in the middle, most of which Aiko couldn’t remember getting. And then on the bottom were the sacred ones. The ones used to fuel Reina’s ego and to assuage her gender dysphoria. Her favorite one, which she wore sometimes during the day and for non-sexual reasons. Another one use
d for double pleasure. One Reina used only with her girlfriend and never with Aiko. She looked at all of them, unsure which one appealed to her the most. The fact that none of them were necessary for more than satisfying sex with her spouse did not cross her mind that night.

  “Nice ass.”

  Aiko jerked up, her ass landing on the bed while the red skirt of her lingerie covered her cheeks. Reina stood in the doorway, dressed in her sweatpants and T-shirt. The way she stood and puffed out her cheeks suggested she was not in a dysphoric mood this time. Aiko selfishly wished for the opposite. Sex with Reina during one of her episodes was the closest she got to knowing what sex with a man felt like. “Is your stomach better?”

  “Un.” Reina approached the bed and sat on its edge. “Looking for something?” she gestured to the nightstand.

  “Oh... nothing in particular.”

  “You wanna fool around with one of those?”

  Aiko glanced at the nightstand again. “Are you in the mood?”

  Reina lay on her wife’s side of the bed, hands beneath her head as she gazed at the ceiling. “Maybe if you inspire me. I’m a bit naked-woman-having-sex-out right now. Consider what I did for half my day.”

  That point wasn’t hard to miss. Aiko straddled her spouse’s hips and looked at her comforting countenance. She’s all woman right now. “I admit, I’m feeling a bit...”

  To her relief, Reina smiled in the wicked way she reserved for flirting with her wife. She fingered the hem of Aiko’s red negligee and said, “You wanna be really naughty, eh?”

  On a normal night Aiko wouldn’t blush, but it wasn’t a normal night. I want things I can’t express to her. So she blushed, thinking of the level of naughty she fantasized about.

  Reina, to her credit, delivered.

  Spending half her day on an erotic film set did not dissuade Aiko’s spouse from the more intense pleasures of lovemaking. Because this is for her, and it’s real. Aiko gasped beneath her spouse’s weight, after being flipped over on the bed and covered with wanting kisses. She realized that Reina hadn’t had sex since the Halloween after-party. Nearly a week. That was an eternity for her.