Ikigai

by Hildred Billings

  “Was it because of…?” Reina tried not to glance at Shio’s crotch beneath the bar.

  “Ah, probably. The extended family isn’t as understanding as my mother is.”

  “What about your father?”

  Shio’s movements slowed as she ate her dinner. “My mother says that he mourns the death of his son.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. He never had a son to begin with.”

  Reina picked up her fork and twirled some noodles around it. “I want to talk about anything but dicks and lesbians.”

  “You and me both, come to think of it.”

  They ordered beers and attempted to talk about completely irrelevant things. Soon they discovered how many years separated them, as Reina spoke of an artist popular in the ‘80s that Shio had never heard of, and Shio talked about modern day idols as if Reina should recognize them off her TV. They then tried travel experiences, and got a few laughs out of Reina’s time in America for her wedding and honeymoon, but Shio had nothing to add as she had never been out of mainland Japan before.

  The only things they both knew were gender issues and women.

  Gender issues were too depressing that night, so they talked about ex-lovers, from the crazy ones to the boring ones. “Back before I transitioned,” Shio said, on her second beer in an hour, “I had this girlfriend who really liked doing it cowgirl style. She would climb on top of me, rip off her clothes, and ride my dick as if she were twirling a lasso and racking up points from the judges. She used to shout, ‘I’m coming into town!’ and I always found it so hard to come without laughing my ass off.”

  Tipsy on her own beer, Reina slapped her hand against the counter and laughed. She tried to picture someone riding her cock like that. Only one would. As her laughter died down, she told Shio about Jun, who liked it too intense for words.

  “I’m pretty sure she gets completely off from the psychological thrill and nothing else,” Reina explained. “I mean, I can’t complain too much because she’s hot as hell, but sometimes I’m too tired to give it to her like a jackhammer.”

  “You think that’s bad? At least your cock stays hard. Try a real one sometime. When I was in high school it would pop just looking at a girl, never mind fucking her. This one time I was so god damned horny I came all over her pussy before I even got to push into it. Gah!” Shio nearly knocked over her empty beer bottle as she embarrassed herself.

  Reina laughed into her bottle. “Yeah, can’t say I have that problem.” She took another drink. “I thought you said you don’t have many girlfriends now.”

  Shio wiped the smiled off her face. “I don’t. These stories come from a few years ago.”

  “Have you had any girlfriends since…”

  A snort. “Since I slapped some tits on me and grew out my hair? Sure. A couple. But it hasn’t been the same. Back when I presented as male – or tried to, anyway – girls didn’t treat me differently. They saw me as a boy and treated me like their straight boyfriend. In a way, it was true. But I wasn’t a boy. I only played at one because that’s what society told me I was. As soon as I changed myself into who I felt inside, well… there would be women who said they didn’t care about my parts, but as soon as we got in bed I could tell that they were disappointed.”

  Reina could relate. Sometimes she felt like her female partners cared too much about her fake cock – like it should be real. Jun was especially guilty of that at times. She would jump into the fantasy head first. She probably thought that’s what Reina wanted. Sometimes. Sometimes she wanted to make love to a beautiful woman with her natural body.

  Then she thought about Aiko. She wouldn’t be disappointed in Shio’s body. Maybe I should set that up. Reina only thought it half-seriously.

  “I’m sorry. We were supposed to be talking about anything but that.” The bartender came by and cleaned up the dirty dishes. “But you’re so easy to talk to about it. You’re one of the only people I can talk to who doesn’t flinch when I talk about what it’s like for me to have sex.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. Born-female women are grossed out by my parts, and other transwomen like me are grossed out by the women part. Most of my friends in that community were having sex with men long before they transitioned. Some weren’t, but… they don’t like talking about it. And sometimes I want to talk about sex, you know?”

  Boy, didn’t Reina know about that.

  “It’s funny, but when I’m with anyone else, it’s like I want to forget the truth about myself. I try so damn hard to pass that I don’t have the energy to be myself. Maybe because most people, no matter which extreme I’m with, don’t like who I really am. I remind them of something they don’t like. But you’re different. You get where I’m coming from, even if you’re not exactly the same.”

  Exactly the same. No, just screwed up in her own way.

  “I’m sorry.” Shio bowed her head over the counter. “I must sound so fucked up to you.”

  “No.” It was the only thing Reina could think to say.

  The conversation petered out after that, and neither of them wanted to get drunk. Reina took out her phone, expecting to see a message from her wife – but her phone was silent, and Shio was getting ready to leave.

  They stepped into the cold, frosty alley together, Shio pulling her pink jacket closer to her body as Reina lit a cigarette to keep her warm. I don’t know where I’m going. Home, she supposed, though no one and nothing waited for her there. She wished Jun were in town. Even if they couldn’t have sex for some reason, that hotel room was still better than going home. Reina would give her girlfriend all the cuddling and date shit she wanted if it meant having her attentions turned elsewhere. I want my wife. Reina smoked her cigarette with one hand and clutched her phone with the other. She wanted to go home and find Aiko, smiling, happy, ready to lounge in bed and make love. She’s with that man. Something burned behind Reina’s eyes.

  “You okay?”

  Reina met Shio’s gaze in the clear air and took her cigarette out of her mouth. “I don’t wanna go home.”

  The young woman shifted her feet and turned away from the smoke blowing past her face. “My place isn’t too far from here. I mean, it’s not close either, but it’s walkable.” When Reina didn’t reply, she continued, “You can stay there as long as you want.”

  Reina looked at her – at her thin, bleach coated hair framing her angular face and hiding her tiny Adam’s apple in her throat; at her bright brown eyes reflecting a street lamp only a few meters away; at her girlish clothes accenting what curves she had; at her gaudy plastic jewelry bedecking her skin. There was nothing particularly appealing about her on a physical level. Yes, she was pretty, and Reina was not discerning when it came to her affections for women. But under most circumstances, she would not be drawn to Shio based on looks alone. Her age was enough to put Reina off.

  No, it was her personality, her empathy shining through the exterior that she loved and shaped herself. I wish I could be like that. She wished she could make up her mind about what she wanted from her identity.

  The cigarette burned in Reina’s hand. She dropped it, hissing at the pain it inflicted on her fingers.

  “You okay?” Shio asked again.

  Their eyes met in that dim alleyway. No matter how cold the air was, the heat growing between them was enough to keep Reina warm.

  And enough to draw her in, arms wrapping around Shio as their lips crashed together.

  The frenzy whipped up outside the bar was probably normal on a Saturday night. Drunk women, sober women… didn’t matter when the night was still young and hormones were fueled with passion. Reina knew that sensation well. For years she made out with women outside of bars, in alleys, against walls… Shio found herself there now, her back propping up against the brick of a neighboring building as Reina kissed her throat and grabbed her ass.

  Shio was no innocent party in this. From the moment Reina touche
d her, she was on fire, drawing Reina into the flames of the mutual attraction flaring between them. “I’ve been waiting for this,” her kisses and quiet moans said as much as she pulled on Reina’s jacket and quivered beneath her touch. “I was hoping you would choose me.”

  Their tongues performed a tango that would make champion dancers faint to see. Shio lifted one leg and wrapped it around Reina’s waist, her back arching as she willed herself more into the other woman’s embrace.

  I needed this. A woman who understood her, as a lesbian and as someone who felt broken inside. Reina would do it. She would take Shio somewhere, woo her with her body and grunts, and show her what it meant to be…

  Her wife’s face flashed before her, and Reina faltered, her teeth biting her own lip as she stepped away.

  “I’m sorry!” Shio remained against the wall, both hands clasping her face. “I don’t know what came over me… you’re married!”

  Reina leaned on a crate full of empty beer bottles and looked to the cloud covered night sky. Aiko would kill her, even if she was a hypocrite.

  “I want to go,” Reina finally said. “Go somewhere. Anywhere. It doesn’t have to be for something we’ll regret later. I just don’t want to go home.”

  Shio kept her distance. “What about your wife?”

  Fuck her. Reina didn’t mean that. Yes I do. She turned on her cell phone again and found Aiko’s number at the top of her contact list. “Give me a moment.” At the very least, she would make this right.

  ***

  “What did you think of the movie?” Takeshi asked, after turning off his DVD player and sitting down at the table again. He took Aiko’s glass and refilled it with more wine.

  Aiko pushed her hair behind her ears with a grin. “It was good. Maybe I should read the book.” What she didn’t tell him was that she barely watched the movie. She was excited to, having heard such good things about it, but Takeshi didn’t turn on the subtitles and Aiko couldn’t understand the various accents of the actors.

  “The book is very long,” Takeshi said. He put the bottle back down. “I read it a while ago. Took me over two years to finish reading. Of course it wasn’t the only thing I was reading. I read it here and there while also reading other works. Sometimes I think about torturing my students with it as required reading.”

  Laughter bubbled in Aiko’s throat – or maybe that was the wine. Three hours ago she arrived at Takeshi’s house to eat his meal of pasta and mushrooms in a homemade cheese sauce. Then they drank wine and watched the movie full of big Hollywood actors. It feels like a date. In a way it was, and for the first time it didn’t bother Aiko at all. “Sometimes you make me feel inferior, Takeshi-san,” she said. “You read so many English books so quickly. It takes me a month to read an average sized novel. My English isn’t as good as it was in university.”

  “It happens as we get older and don’t exercise our skills. But you’re still very good. I wish my students were half as good as you. At least you read regularly. My students act like I have personally gone after them if I make them read one book a semester. Just one! That’s all I ask sometimes. And these are kids supposedly interested in English literature.”

  “I wish I could be a professor.” Aiko leaned her elbows on the table. “Of course I don’t want to actually grade assignments or give lectures. Maybe I shouldn’t be a professor after all.”

  “You’re good at your job. You have good energy with the kids. I couldn’t do a job like that. I need my students to be sitting down and quiet… of course, they tend to sleep most of the time, so…”

  “Maybe one day the kids I’m teaching now will be your students.”

  “Perhaps. It has happened before to other professors.”

  Aiko straightened out her legs before they could fall asleep beneath the table. “Then I’ll do my best to teach your future students well, so you won’t have to do as much work.”

  “You forget that there are a few years in between there.”

  Before she could respond with another quip, Aiko’s phone rang in her back pocket.

  “Excuse me,” she said, recognizing Reina’s ring tone. Aiko left Takeshi in his living room while she went out into the hall and answered her spouse. “Moshi? Reina?”

  As she should have expected, her spouse sounded agitated if not intoxicated. She went out drinking… “Mou, Ai-chan, you still out tonight?”

  Aiko didn’t have to take this. “Yes. I’m gonna be out a while longer still. Why? You heading home?”

  “No. I’m staying out tonight.”

  “What? Where are you going? Your mother’s?”

  “Yeah, right.” The sound of Reina’s scoffing sent chills down Aiko’s spine. “I’m staying with a friend.”

  What friend? The only friend Reina would stay with overnight was Jun. And if it were her, Reina would have said so… not that such a rendezvous was planned for that night. Come to think of it, anyone Aiko knew would be mentioned by name, just to assuage her worries. A stranger?

  “And by the way…”

  Aiko stood up straight. “Hai?”

  The phone line went quiet for a moment. “I might sleep with somebody tonight.”

  Saliva burned in the back of Aiko’s throat as she played that phrase in her head over and over again. “I see…” Not since before they moved in together had Reina been so open about her intentions to stray from her partner. Did I do that? “What if I asked you not to?”

  Sometimes, silence was deafening. “I would say that it’s only fair since you get one too.”

  “That would be fair…” Aiko’s throat was closing up. “Be safe. I love you.”

  She thought Reina wouldn’t respond. When she got like this, she had a habit of building walls around herself and not even letting Aiko crush them. But then she heard her spouse’s voice, faint and deep. “I love you too. Maa, you know I’m not so stupid. Good night.” She hung up.

  It took another minute before Aiko was able to put her phone away and return to the living room. Is she really gonna sleep with someone I don’t know? At least Reina told her. Aiko could remember a time when she would have never learned about it.

  “Trouble in paradise?” Takeshi asked, as Aiko sat down with a worried expression plastered on her like a mask.

  She shook her head. “No, nothing in particular is wrong.”

  Takeshi lost his good humor. “Something else, then?”

  Just another day in my marriage. Aiko said something dumb and Reina got hurt. Except when Reina got hurt, it meant she was ready to do something reckless. “My spouse is being a bit boneheaded. It’s nothing to worry about.”

  “I see.” Takeshi folded his arms on the sitting table. “Anything I can do?”

  “No.”

  “If you need someone to talk to…” Takeshi stopped talking when he probably realized what he was saying. “I mean…”

  “No, I understand you. I appreciate it.” Too bad it would be nearly impossible to talk about her dyke drama with someone like Takeshi. He admitted to not knowing the first thing about lesbian life. And why should he? Up until a year ago, he had probably never knowingly met a lesbian before.

  Yet Aiko wished she could unload on him. She had Yuri, but it wasn’t enough. I can’t go to my family, either. Junko would throw herself into a tizzy. Saki would laugh lewdly and ignore her. Eri was too awkward of a candidate due to their age difference. I have no one else.

  “Marriages are difficult,” she said. “Even after twenty years with my spouse, sometimes I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.”

  Takeshi said nothing.

  “It doesn’t help that we have an unconventional relationship even for a couple of lesbos.” Oops. There was the candid banter Aiko tried to keep contained.

  “Oh?” For some reason, Takeshi wasn’t running for the hills.

  “I shouldn’t share that. You’re not interested.”

  “I’m interested in what is bo
thering my friend, even if I really don’t understand it.”

  Against her better judgment, Aiko opened her mouth and began spilling her problems.

  Takeshi listened in silence, like a good friend would, but his eyes bulged whenever Aiko talked about the complexities of her sex life with Reina. The other lovers, the gender dysphoria, the intense role-playing that went on when she least expected it… everything was exhausting, though she claimed it was exhausting in a good way, most of the time. She loved the refreshing challenges Reina brought into the bedroom, but not so much elsewhere. Sometimes I want to be boring. With Reina that was impossible.

  When she dropped the final bomb, she had forgotten who she was talking to.

  “And lately I’ve been changing. Of course I still like my lifestyle, but I’m realizing that there are other parts of me who may be into things that my spouse will never be interested in. It’s nothing against her. But it’s scary knowing that there may be something she can’t participate in.

  Takeshi could only let that silence go on for so long. “What is it?”

  The world spun in circles before Aiko. “I think I want to have sex with a man.”

  He opened his mouth to speak but then closed it again. His brows furrowed, and he glanced between Aiko and the table as if they were having a casual conversation. Did I just…? Yes. Yes she did. Oh my God!

  “That’s interesting.” It was all Takeshi said for a bit. “I can’t imagine a woman like your spouse being comfortable with that.” He must have recalled his interaction with Reina a year ago. She would have ripped off his testicles and thrown them against the wall if she could.

  “Well… she said I could…”

  This was embarrassing. Here Takeshi was, perhaps the one man Aiko would consider acting out her fantasies with, and she had spilled out everything but his involvement at this point. No wonder he looked at her as if he were waiting for Reina the Tiger to come popping out of a dark corner, ready to rip out his jugular. She would. Maybe. The old Reina would have. The most recent one would probably walk away in self-defeat.

  No, she couldn’t let those images get the best of her. “I’m sorry. This really isn’t appropriate to talk about. Let’s change the subject.”