Ikigai

by Hildred Billings

  “Yuri-san also lived with us, and she was doing all of the cooking and cleaning. I didn’t know what to do with my time, so I sat in the living room and watched you and Jun-san pick out doilies. Since she was your new wife, it meant she was taking over everything.”

  “This is making no sense.”

  Aiko also pushed herself back beneath the covers. “And you weren’t satisfied. You also wanted to take on another wife. I thought you were going to call for Haruka-san, but you called Kaori-san instead and asked her to marry you. And she said yes!”

  “Surprised you weren’t marrying everyone as well.”

  “It was a strange dream.” Aiko turned over and faced her spouse. “Nee, Reina, would you ever remarry if something happened to me?”

  “What kind of question is that? You’re weird.”

  “I’m serious.”

  “There’s no sense thinking about it right now. Go back to sleep.”

  Aiko remained staring at the back of her spouse’s head. Would I remarry? What a terrible thing to think about. Aiko snuggled up against Reina and shook the thoughts from her head. Reina wasn’t going anywhere anyway. Not for a long time.

  “Do you want anything from the store?”

  Reina looked up from the sitting table and saw her wife bundling up in a coat, carrying the empty shopping bags she always took to the nearby supermarket. “Maybe some more stomach medicine.”

  “Eh?” Aiko stood in the doorway and glanced over her shoulder. “Your stomach is still bothering you?”

  Always. She had gotten used to it by now. Except that day she woke up with a new pain on her right side. “I’ll be fine. But they help the discomfort.”

  Aiko took one last look at her before heading into the genkan to put on her shoes.

  When her wife was gone, Reina grumbled about bad stomachs and sifted through the pile of mail on the far end of the table. Besides the usual bills, she found the invitation she received the day before from Mayumi.

  “You are cordially invited,” it began in her careful kanji handwriting, “to the debut screening of the first two Lady Loving productions to be produced. Please come share in good food and drink, and be prepared to meet our humble investor. Please note that if you have a +1 your guest must be at least 20 years of age due to the adult nature of this viewing.”

  Reina put the invitation down and picked up another letter from Mayumi, this one containing her paycheck. It was not a great amount, but it was enough to put into the vacation fund should she and Aiko want to go anywhere that spring for Golden Week.

  As she put it down on the table, however, a sharp pain shot through her gut and she hissed in bitter agony.

  There’s gotta be more pills. Reina pushed herself up and fumbled into the kitchen, searching for more stomach medicine that she sent her wife to get. Maybe I should go to the doctor again. She rubbed her eyes when she couldn’t find more medicine. She swore there was some upstairs.

  Every step up to the second floor was like prancing on needles. Reina held her hand to her side as she shuffled down the hallway toward the bedroom. “I should nap,” she muttered. It was a lazy Saturday anyway. No work of any kind and no therapy. Maybe she should stay in that night and be lazy with Aiko. Rent a movie… get take-out for dinner… forget about this stomach thing with some kissing and cuddling…

  “Ita!” Reina grasped the vanity, her fingers digging into her flesh. The hell was wrong with her? Once the pain subsided, Reina decided to lie down on the bed until Aiko returned with more medicine. Just treat this like shitty cramps.

  She didn’t make it halfway across the room before the furniture began to spin and her stomach exploded with gut-wrenching pain.

  If she screamed, she never recalled. Her body was on fire, vertigo rising… no, that was the floor coming up to meet her face as she plummeted to the ground.

  So much for that. One of the last two things she thought as she crumpled where she lay. Aiko was the other.

  Aiko’s texts to her spouse went unanswered as she stood in line at the supermarket. She’s either in the bathroom or fell asleep. Poor sleepy Reina couldn’t hide from Aiko. All morning her spouse was more lethargic than usual, barely staying awake at the breakfast table and only making it to lunch because there was something she wanted to watch on TV.

  What Aiko wanted to know was what they should have for dinner. She bought ingredients for both curry and tonkatsu, but wasn’t committed to either one yet. She supposed she could ask Reina when she got home in a few minutes.

  The air was thick with moisture as she pushed through the cold on her way home. Feels like rain. Normally Januarys were so dry that her lips bled if she wasn’t careful. Aiko hoped that this meant a warmer winter than usual, since gas prices were up and that meant it would be harder to run the space heaters all winter.

  “Tadaima,” Aiko said as she walked into her house. “I’m back, Reina.” She slipped her shoes off and took the groceries into the kitchen. Her spouse didn’t seem to be anywhere downstairs. Yup. Napping. Considering what a lazy day it was, Aiko might join her.

  Rain had started to fall by the time Aiko finished putting the groceries away. The pitter patter of raindrops on the kitchen window made her feel lonely and needy – yes, a nap with Reina would be good, assuming that’s what her spouse was doing. Aiko made sure everything was okay before going upstairs.

  Sometimes a rainy day had a habit of playing tricks on Aiko. She would imagine a face in the window as she did the laundry, or she would think she heard a strange creature on the roof as the rain hit the metal shingles. Hence she was not initially surprised when she opened the bedroom door and didn’t see her spouse there.

  “Reina?” She rubbed her eyes and saw something strange poking out from behind the bed.

  Her heart stopped. She knew what it was, yet she didn’t want to admit what she saw.

  Aiko was in a dream world as she rushed to her spouse’s side and called out her name, shaking her shoulders and screaming at the sight of her pale complexion. The Aiko succumbing to hysterics as Reina’s limp body remained on the floor was completely detached from the Aiko sitting in the back of her mind and continuing to enjoy the rain washing down the bedroom window. We’ll have a lovely afternoon together. Aiko tapped her spouse’s cheek as tears fell from her eyes. Then we’ll decide what to have for dinner. I think I’ll make the curry because it’s perfect for a rainy winter’s day. Fear gripped her as she found the courage to check for a pulse – fainter than the gray world outside the window. We have nothing to worry about today.

  It seemed as if that Aiko continued to stare wistfully out the window while the other wailed for the end of her world.

  ***

  Time had never been so cruel, nor slow, nor confusing. When Aiko found her bearings again she called for an ambulance and attempted to administer CPR, but she was too frantic to remember how it was properly done. By the time the ambulance arrived ten minutes later, Aiko was latched to her spouse’s body like a cold blanket.

  Half the neighborhood turned out for Reina’s unceremonious departure from the house via stretcher. Their eyes peered from behind their bedroom and living room windows as they watched the red flashing lights of the ambulance illuminate their dreary neighborhood. Aiko stumbled out of the house with the help of the ambulance driver and begged to ride with them. They remained stalled in the one-lane street due to the driver calling one hospital after another, hoping to find one that would take Reina’s fragile state.

  Aiko yearned for the paramedics she heard about from around the world, who were trained nurses, doctors, or neurosurgeons or whatever. The men driving them to a hospital on the other side of the city were not trained to do more than CPR and to relay developments to the ER on the phone. One asked Aiko questions about Reina’s health, and she told him that her spouse’s stomach had been hurting her for weeks. Do something! Aiko wanted to strangle the man sitting across from her in the back of the ambulance. My
Reina is dying! Do something you fuck!

  Things became more complicated once they reached the hospital. The ambulance crew hoisted Reina out of the back of the van and rolled her into the ER, where a pair of nurses took over and wheeled unconscious Reina somewhere Aiko wasn’t allowed to go. She crumpled in the waiting room until a nurse took her hasty check-in while beating back another woman’s emotional poison.

  Why won’t they tell me what’s going on? Reina was gone, and nobody would talk to Aiko. She called Sachiko and told her to come. She was Reina’s mother – they would surely talk to her. But she’s my spouse! If Reina were a man, Aiko would be allowed to know what was happening. If they were legally married, none of this would have mattered. But as far as the hospital was concerned Aiko was a nobody. Just a friend who happened to show up in the nick of time.

  Sachiko arrived an hour later, her face paler than the white of the nurses’ uniforms. This is happening to her again. The last time Sachiko was summoned to an ER, the love of her life passed in the night. This is happening to me. The detached Aiko still wanted to cling to the window and dream of a lazy day.

  Thanks to Reina’s one living legal relative, Aiko found out that her spouse had been taken into emergency surgery; Sachiko attempted to explain what for, but her mind was so muddled that she merely began to cry in the waiting room.

  It wasn’t fair.

  Why can’t I know?

  Reality crashed into her another hour later when she found herself in a more private waiting room, her body sore and her heart fluttering in her chest. A doctor came in and addressed Sachiko. Aiko’s mother-in-law told the doctor to tell them both what had happened. With one careful glance at Aiko, the doctor said that Reina’s appendix had ruptured some time ago and it was a miracle she was still alive.

  Alive!

  Shortly after that, the questions poured in. How could Reina have her appendix burst and not know? How could she live for over two months with the pain and not die? Aiko had to have an appendectomy when she was in middle school and clearly remembered the crippling pain it caused when her organ burst. Reina’s pain tolerance was not that good.

  “It was a very small rupture,” the doctor explained. “It would have felt like menstrual cramps or indigestion, depending on where the pain was located.” The doctor showed them how appendix pain could travel around the stomach. “The organ was poisoning her for the past few weeks. It is a most unfortunate situation. If it had burst as is common, the pain would’ve been great enough she would have fixed it much sooner, before it could poison her. But as it is, it was almost too late. We took out the offending organ but she has been so poisoned that it will be touch-and-go through the night.”

  “But she’ll be okay, right?” Aiko was clutching Sachiko’s hand.

  The doctor continued to address the mother of the patient. “She is very, very sick. Not much longer and she would have surely died.”

  Aiko held a shriek in the back of her hand. This isn’t happening! Tears welled in her eyes, even though they were sore from crying too much already.

  “She is stable at the moment, but treating her will take all night. Please understand that I cannot give you any guarantees right now.”

  “Can we see her?”

  They looked at the doctor expectantly, but she was still noncommittal. “You may be able to see her for a few minutes, but she is unresponsive,” she said to Sachiko. To Aiko she said, “Sorry, family only. When she’s conscious again we can start allowing friends.”

  Aiko bit back her harsh words. But I’m her wife! Not on paper, and that was all that mattered to hospital protocol.

  Later, when Sachiko returned from her ten minute sojourn to Reina’s room, Aiko pounced on her and demanded to know how her spouse was. All Sachiko could say was that Reina’s vitals were stable, and that it was “horrifying to see her like that.” Sachiko didn’t want to stick around much afterward.

  The hospital staff encouraged Aiko to go home for the rest of the night. She wasn’t barred from finding a corner in the waiting room and passing the night there, but she was explicitly told that she could not see Reina and that they couldn’t even tell her if something “happened.” And yet I can’t leave her. What if Reina woke up and found out that her wife wasn’t even in the building? Aiko covered her face so nobody could see the new slew of tears coming.

  She couldn’t go home. Not that big, empty house that should have her spouse in it. So she went to Sachiko’s place, which wasn’t much better because it was full of Reina’s childhood, but it was better than the alternative. Our sad bed.

  Sachiko made her an easy supper and tried to distract her with television. Strange that the mother of an invalid would be so detached from the situation. No, she’s been through this before. Aiko wouldn’t judge her. She needed someone to comfort her right now anyway.

  She was definitely not comforted when she went to bed in Reina’s old room, the same one they used to share every weekend before they moved in together. We made love in here countless times. Aiko lay on the floor and stared into the darkness.

  The only way to distract herself was by spreading the terrible news. She called Yuri, Jun, and even called Michiko an ocean away. Each of them reacted differently, from immediately trying to comfort Aiko, to expressing shock and disbelief, to sounding so forlorn that death was inevitable. None of them made Aiko feel better. She wouldn’t feel better until Reina was awake.

  The darkness behind Reina’s eyelids gave way to the faint UV light shining in the corner of the room. The fuck happened… She tried to wake up and push herself out of bed, but her body was heavier than stone and she felt like she had been hit by a truck. Just like my dad…

  Funny. It kinda looked like she was in a hospital. Just like my dad… The world went out of focus again as pain shot up Reina’s chest. She hissed and instantly regretted it.

  “Yamada-san?” A cute girl in a nurse’s uniform walked over from the other side of the small room and hovered over Reina. “Good morning. How are you feeling?”

  Using her voice shouldn’t have been such a damned trial. “Like shit.” She slowly turned her head and gazed up at the young nurse. “What happened?”

  The nurse, with her smooth, soothing voice, told Reina that she had been ill and needed emergency surgery to remove her appendix. She was in a hospital somewhere in north Tokyo, and had been gravely ill. “We were told you’ve been having stomach problems for a few weeks. It was probably related to that.”

  “I had surgery?” Reina had never stayed in a hospital like this before. Was there an ambulance? Damn, she always missed the exciting parts.

  “You’re going to be here a few more days. Don’t worry, though, I’ll take care of you.” The smile on the girl’s face was not flirty, but it was charming. “My name is Yuka. If you need anything, let me know and I’ll see what I can do.”

  Reina would’ve said something inappropriate, what with her filter gone to hell right now, but she slipped back out of consciousness and felt like she slept for three more days.

  In truth it was a mere two hours. And then another hour. Then a half hour. Slowly Reina came to her senses as the strong painkillers wore off and she was left with only the antibiotics. When she woke up the final time, a hand was clasped around hers.

  “Aiko?” she asked, clutching the hand beneath her grasp.

  Her eyes focused to reveal a wrinkled face from above. “Not quite,” her mother said. She wiped a tear away. “She’s waiting to hear about you in the other room. We brought you some things from home. How are you feeling?”

  Reina was parched, even though she had been given intravenous fluids for the past twelve hours. Sachiko helped her sit up and take a drink from a cup. “Why isn’t she here?”

  Sachiko frowned, but only for a second. “I’ll go tell her that you’re awake.”

  Nobody told Reina why her wife wasn’t with her. Where’s Aiko… While she appreciated her mother’s presence, nothi
ng could be more reassuring than her wife’s caring touch and gentle words. Whenever Reina was sick, Aiko took care of her with the greatest tenderness and patience she ever experienced.

  At lunch time, Yuka came in with a tray of food and offered to help Reina eat since she was still too weak to lift her arms. “The doctor will be in later to go over what happened and see how you are doing,” the nurse said as she pushed some rice into Reina’s mouth. “Right now you should focus on resting and rebuilding your strength. Your body has been through quite a trial.”

  No shit. Reina tried not to choke.

  When lunch was finished, Yuka cleared the tray and asked, “Can I get you anything else?”

  The food was causing Reina to become woozy and sleepy again. All she could think was that her favorite person in the world wasn’t there… just some cute girl Reina had never met before. “Tsuma…” she whimpered. “I want my wife.”

  Yuka cocked her head. “Excuse me?”

  “Where’s my wife?” Sachiko said she was waiting in another room. Waiting for what? Didn’t she know that Reina was awake by now?

  “Your… wife?”

  The poor nurse was more confused than Reina during English class. “There is someone waiting to see me. I want to be with her.”

  It took a few more seconds for Reina to convey that she wanted to see the woman hanging around the waiting room like a waif. Yuka gasped in understanding, studied Reina’s features – Yes, I’m a dyke, now get over it – and said, “I’m sorry, but until the doctor clears it, we cannot allow any visitors outside of your family.”

  “She is my family. I’d rather her be in here than my mother.”

  “I’m sorry…”

  Although angry, Reina did not push it. Not Yuka’s fault that the policy was stupid. Still, Reina pouted until the nurse promised to get the doctor. When she arrived a half hour later, Sachiko was back in the room bringing desperate tidings from Aiko.