Ikigai

by Hildred Billings

  As if she sensed her lover’s distress, Yuri reached across the table and patted Aiko’s hand.

  “Sometimes I wonder what I would do if something really did happen to her,” Aiko said, her fingers entwining with Yuri’s. “I mean, after the shock had worn off and I started to pick up the pieces. I would probably have to move back in with my parents… sell the house. Depressing to think about. But as we get older, it’s something I have to plan for here and there.”

  “You think Reina-san will die before you do?”

  A knot in the kitchen table caught Aiko’s attention. She smoothed it out with her hand and said, “Yes.”

  Yuri did not ask why. She didn’t say anything at all. Because she doesn’t have to. She knew where Aiko’s train of thought led in that regard.

  “Maybe I would marry Takeshi-san,” Aiko joked. She had told Yuri bits and pieces about her experiences with her other friend, and each time she was met with both disbelief and sage advice. “Though I don’t think it would be the ideal situation for him. At least then I could be legally taken care of.”

  “That is the wise thing to do.”

  “Yes. Wise.” Aiko and Yuri grew in an age when they were told they had to be taken care of by a man. By a husband. Instead, Reina took care of me financially. She would argue that she took more emotional care of Reina than the other way around. “Let’s talk about something else.”

  Yuri was happy to change the subject. She talked about her home life as of late, including her daughter’s good grades and how her relationship with Hiroyuki had managed to improve. Thankfully, she spared Aiko the details of their sex life.

  The sun had all but disappeared behind the neighborhood skyline when a scream rang out down the one-lane street outside.

  Yuri dropped her stitching and leaped out of her seat. Although Aiko didn’t know what was going on at first, she knew that look on her friend’s face. Only a mother would make that face. Hana, Yuri’s daughter, was the one screaming.

  They both rushed to the window overlooking the street in time to see two girls clad in middle school uniforms pull each other by the hair and both fall to the asphalt.

  “Hana!” Yuri bolted from the window and trampled into the genkan at the front of the house. Shoes scraped the tile in front of the door as Yuri slid it open and entered the drizzle.

  “Take it back!” Hana cried, rising above her adversary in the street. She was wet and ragged, her uniform muddy around the seams while her ponytail thrashed with her movements. One of the shoes belonging to the other girl was in the ditch by the Furusawa fence. This same other girl spat up in Hana’s face and kicked her in the shin. “Take it back, bitch!”

  It was at that point Aiko also ran into the genkan to grab her shoes and go out into the street with Yuri, who by then had nearly tackled her daughter and was pulling her off the other girl. Aiko did not miss the prying eyes peering from behind their living room and kitchen windows in every other house on the street.

  “I won’t take it back! Because it’s true!” The other girl got up before Aiko could try to help her. Her knee was bloody and a piece of gravel was stuck inside her palm, but she pretended that neither bothered her. “Your mom is a dyke and everyone knows it!”

  Aiko gasped, but Yuri didn’t. Instead she shoved her daughter aside and approached the unknown girl with a spark in her eye. “You have a problem with that?”

  The girl tripped backward and nearly landed in Aiko’s arms. But she caught herself, stepping back as Yuri slowly gained on her. “I…” She sounded like she was eight again, caught stealing some girl’s lunch during class.

  “Let me tell you, if the only bad thing people can say about me is something like that, then I must not be doing too bad for myself. There are a lot worse things in life than being someone who loves someone else. You know what one of those things are?”

  Another ponytail whipped in the air as the girl shook her head, eyes big and jaw dropped.

  “A hateful grownup who fills their child with contempt for other human beings minding their own business. Do you want to get into my business?”

  The girl shook her head again. By now Hana had picked up her schoolbag and was hovering by the fence, still sullen.

  “Good. Now go home and leave my daughter alone.”

  She didn’t have to say it twice. The young girl took off as if a fox were chasing her through the streets.

  Curtains closed all around them as Yuri hauled her daughter inside the house and Aiko followed, attempting to be polite as mother and daughter hashed it out in the kitchen. I would go home, but I need my bag…

  “What were you thinking, engaging with that girl! Look at how dirty your uniform is! I’ll have to get it dry-cleaned and you only have a spare right now. Do you think we are made of money? Go upstairs and get cleaned up.”

  Hana, however, was reluctant to move. “She made me so mad, calling you that…”

  The anger on Yuri’s face melted away as she cupped her fingers beneath Hana’s chin and tipped it up. “Like I told her, there are worse things in life to be.”

  “So it’s true?” No thirteen-year-old girl had ever emoted such disbelief at her own mother. “What Papa and she said are true?”

  “Don’t insult me by acting like that somehow lessens me in your eyes. There is nothing shameful about it. People are afraid of what’s different, that’s all.”

  “But being different is…”

  “I know.” Yuri stroked her daughter’s cheek. “But we’re all different somehow. One day, you’ll know what makes you different from everyone else, and you’ll try to hide it. And it will eat you up inside until you can’t stand your life anymore. Because that thing that makes you different is your ikigai, and it’s meant to be worn on your sleeve.”

  ”Mama, I…”

  “What?”

  She said it so softly that Hana flung herself into her mother’s arms and sobbed into her chest. Mud got on Yuri’s pretty lilac skirt and on her white blouse, impossible to get out without being reminded of what happened that day.

  Whatever Hana told her mother made her cry, and was something that Aiko was not privileged to. She didn’t need to know. She only had to slip into the kitchen to grab her purse and leave the house where mother and daughter shared something Aiko would never understand.

  “Because that thing that makes you different is your ikigai, and it’s meant to be worn on your sleeve.”

  Aiko thought of what Yuri said for the rest of the evening, which only lasted a few more hours for her, since she decided to go to bed early. But while she cooked dinner, ate with her spouse, did the dishes, and then went upstairs to change and sleep, those words echoed in her mind, and she didn’t know what to make of them.

  What is my ikigai?

  She never really thought about it before, simply because she never thought of that term in the way Yuri described. Something to wear on one’s sleeve? Aiko couldn’t think of anything in her life that was like that. She was honest with herself, yes, but nothing set her apart from the masses around her. I’m gay. But she didn’t wear that on a T-shirt.

  Should she?

  People had all sorts of reasons for living. Children, careers, research… love. Is love my reason? She thought of Reina, currently downstairs watching one of her favorite shows on TV. When Aiko thought that she was going to lose her spouse, her whole world had come crashing down. She fell asleep thinking of those horrors.

  Which meant she then dreamed about them.

  The first thing tipping her off that she was dreaming was that she held a baby. Her baby. Aiko sat in a nursery that did not exist in that house, rocking a little girl back and forth in an effort to get her to sleep. She has my nose. Aiko pressed her finger against it with a smile. And Reina’s cheeks. Reina’s? How could it be Reina’s baby too?

  But in Aiko’s dream world, anything was possible. This included having a biological baby with Reina who looked like the two of t
hem put together.

  There was no name for this baby. In her dream, Aiko was struggling to come up with a name for her. I gave birth to her, and now I can’t name her? The baby gurgled its displeasure.

  Something even worse happened, however. Aiko soon realized that Reina was not coming by the room because she was gone. Not at-work gone, but dead gone.

  It was the infection that killed her. Or maybe it was an accident. Or cancer. Or something of that nature. Aiko sniffed a few tears as she thought of Reina, the sire of this child she held. “At least I have you,” she whispered to her daughter, taking comfort in the way the baby scrunched her face like Reina could. Aiko often heard that mothers were grateful to have their children when husbands died. Now she could understand it as well.

  Overcome with her grief, she decided to name her daughter Reika, in honor of the other mother she would never know.

  “Can I see her?”

  Aiko looked up. It was Takeshi, standing before her and reaching down to take her baby. “What are you doing here?” she asked.

  “I’m here to see my daughter, of course.” He plucked Reika out of Aiko’s arms and coddled her like any doting father would. “There’s my little girl.”

  Aiko looked at her left hand. There, where her wedding band should have been, was another ring. Silver with a single diamond. Her old wedding band was on her other hand. “We’re married?”

  “Of course we are. And this is our daughter, see?” He poked the girl’s cheeks. “She has your smile and my eyes.”

  “I see.” Aiko didn’t. Wasn’t that her child with Reina? Where was Reina? Why was Takeshi here? Aiko crossed her arms in dread. Something wasn’t right.

  She wanted Reina.

  That’s when she awoke and stared at the clock. It was barely ten, but the house was quiet. Aiko turned over. There was Reina, snoozing on her side of the bed.

  Thank God. Aiko reached to touch her spouse’s forehead, but Reina jerked back and opened her eyes. “What?” she asked.

  “You’re awake?”

  “Yeah, I just got to bed.”

  “I had a bad dream. I dreamed that you were dead.”

  “For God’s sake, I’m not dead.”

  “But you could’ve been.” Aiko crawled into her spouse’s hold and willed herself to stay there forever. “I don’t want to lose you.”

  Reina yawned. “Funny, that. I don’t want to lose you either.”

  Awake, Aiko pulled herself on top of her spouse and kissed her.

  They hadn’t made love in what seemed forever. Now that they finally had the chance, Aiko wanted it to be vigorous – but she wouldn’t risk losing her spouse to anything other than old age. And they definitely weren’t old enough for that yet.

  With her wife back at work, Reina returned to her usual Tuesday night dinner option by popping into her new favorite bar.

  “Hey!” Shio was working, as Reina hoped she would be. Even better, the bar was completely empty. “Good to see you up and at ‘em again. Last time I saw you was…”

  “Uh huh.” Reina sat in her usual seat and placed her briefcase beneath the bar. “You could’ve seen me if you were at the party Saturday.”

  As Reina told her about it, Shio got the food ready and then went back to cleaning the glasses on the bar. “I tend to avoid those kinds of parties,” she said when Reina finished talking. “Mostly because I’m never invited. Not like you. I bet you’re invited to every party that goes on.”

  “You might be surprised.”

  “Nah.”

  The conversation that night went back and forth between Reina’s recovery, the party, and what Shio was up to lately. Reina admitted she had a bit of a vested interest in Shio’s personal life now. Not only were they friends, but perhaps they could be more as time went on. I want someone who completely understands me once in a while. Besides, Reina could see herself trying more new things with Shio behind closed doors. Things she could never try with Aiko for a multitude of reasons.

  A lull in their conversation allowed Reina to light a cigarette and enjoy the bottom half of her beer. Shio leaned against the counter and said, “By the way, I was busy Saturday night anyway. I had a hot date.”

  Reina nearly snorted her beer. “Eh? How hot?”

  That look on Shio’s face was more than telling. I make that face all the time. “Third base, if you know what I mean.”

  “Depends on what version of third base you’re using.” In Reina’s world, that meant dry humping, at least. Homeruns are way better. “Did you find the honeypot?”

  “Close enough.” Shio puffed up her chest as if Reina should agree that this was an admirable sexual encounter. “She was hesitant to go for the full run, so we decided to stop there. Maybe next time!”

  “So there will be a next time?”

  “Yup. This Sunday. Wish me luck.”

  “Ganbare.”

  Shio still wouldn’t stop smiling. “I don’t think you know her since she’s more around my age and not a native Tokyoite, but she’s really nice. Ain’t even put off by me, you know? Her ex-girlfriend was also trans so it makes no difference to her. I haven’t dated a woman okay with me from the beginning in… ever. It’s liberating!”

  Even I was hesitant. Reina continued to puff on her cigarette. “Congrats.”

  Shio picked up on the vibes coming out of Reina’s slumping body. “What’s this? You ain’t jealous, are you?”

  “Why would I be jealous? Get that pussy.” She should get that on a T-shirt.

  Shio leaned against the bar, one hand on her hip. “For one thing, I’m pretty sure this girl is into monogamy, so we may not be able to see each other like we did that one time. I mean, assuming that…” For all of her haughtiness only moments before, Shio had to look away to clear her throat. “You would ever want to again…”

  Reina smiled. “I have no complaints about it.”

  “Then yeah. You’re jealous because you wanted some more of this.” Shio stepped back from the bar and gestured to herself. “Now I might have a girlfriend. What are the odds?”

  “I’m happy for you. Really.” Reina stuck her cigarette back in her mouth. Every woman deserves a great sex life.

  Shio was still smiling. “I like you a lot, Reina-san. No matter what happens, I hope we can be good friends.”

  Reina had no complaints about that either.

  A part of her was disappointed that she wouldn’t get to fool around with Shio again anytime soon. Wouldn’t call that fooling around, though. Reina chuckled as she walked toward the station after her dinner, another cigarette in her mouth.

  She arrived home only a few minutes ahead of her wife, who asked Reina if she wanted to take a bath together.

  Normally she was the one who was sore and tired after a long day at work. But tonight Aiko eased into the hot bath water with a mighty sigh that sounded like she was having sex. I would know. Reina followed her into the tub after rinsing off and washing her hair beneath the showerhead. The nice thing about taking a long bath together was not being distracted by phones, books, or the lure of sleep. Reina could wrap her arms around her wife’s naked body, kiss her skin, and have Aiko’s full attention.

  “This is one of my favorite things,” Aiko said, leaning against the edge of the tub with her head and arms. Reina stroked her back, pulling drops of water up her spine so they could fall again. “It always makes me glad to have you, Reina-chan.”

  Reina was also grateful to have her wife. They sat in silence for a few minutes, their occasional movements shifting water over the edge of the tub and down the shower drain.

  “I’ve been thinking,” Aiko began. Reina lifted her eyebrows in attention. “Ever since Takeshi-san came to our home the other night and you said that thing to him… it reminded me that I still have these fantasies. Ones that he couldn’t fulfill for me, because he was the wrong type of person.”

  Reina remained quiet.

  “I don’t w
ant to do it tonight,” Aiko continued, “but maybe sometime soon you could show me what it’s like to be with a man in that way.”

  More water tumbled out of the tub as Reina sat back, her scalp bumping into the tiled wall.

  “Where’s your mother, huh?” Aiko sat with Taiki after class on Thursday, checking the clock every few seconds until Prof. Ishida would show up to take her son home. The little boy had a box of crayons he sniffed, favoring the scent of the purple one every time Aiko lamented how late it was getting. “What color is that, Taiki-kun?” Aiko pressed the top of the purple crayon. “Can you tell me in English?”

  He stared at the thing in his hand. “Murasaki,” he said.

  Aiko frowned. “I said in English, please.”

  Taiki looked up at her with a sloppy grin as he put his hands in the air and dropped the purple crayon. “Buroo,” he finally said, with a sheepish look that said he knew he was wrong.

  Close enough. Aiko was glad to see the boy’s mother racing down the hallway, shouting her apologies that she had lost track of the time. Taiki barreled toward his mother and hugged her before he finished his drawing.

  Aiko saw them off with a relieved smile. Now I can go home. She promised Reina she would pick something up to eat on the way there, since her spouse was working late that night too. But first she had to clean up the classroom while hoping her coworker Fumie would return from running errands to help.

  When she didn’t, Aiko knew it would be a late night.

  It was so late that she didn’t even see Takeshi on her way out of the educational wing. Usually he would hang around waiting for her to get off work so they could walk together to the station, even though Takeshi rode his bike home. Maybe I should get one and we could ride together. It wasn’t too far. She might even be able to get home faster. But Reina would riot, simply because her father died en route from his job as a professor – on a bicycle. She probably hopes that’s how Takeshi will die. Something that should have annoyed her only made her smile.