In Too Deep

by Lexi Ryan

  “That’s shit,” he says. “Bailey, I’m so sorry he did that to you.”

  Why does his kindness hurt so much? “I’m not the one who deserves the apology here.”

  “But you do.” He sighs. “I grew up poor too, remember? I get it. If you needed the money and he offered it, what were you supposed to do?”

  “It’s not that simple.” I don’t want to tell him about Mason giving Nic money. It doesn’t feel right. “His parents will always be his parents, and if Mason and I want to be together, we’d always have that tension. It’s complicated.”

  Keegan exhales loudly, his exasperation echoing through the phone.

  “It doesn’t have to be complicated at all.” Those words don’t come from Keegan but from the man standing in the middle of Mia’s living room.

  I put my hand over my mouth.

  Mason sinks to his haunches and takes the phone from my hand. “She’s gonna have to call you back,” he says. He smiles as Keegan says something, then says, “Of course I did . . . Yeah . . . Shut up, Keegan, I’m working on it.” He taps the screen to end the call then tosses the phone onto the couch.

  Mia appears behind Mason, her purse slung over her shoulder. She nods toward the door. “I’m gonna step out for a bit. Call if you need me.”

  I swallow and nod but don’t take my eyes from Mason as Mia walks away and the door clicks closed behind her.

  “You said it’s complicated, but there’s nothing complicated about the way I feel for you. The other crap is messy, but it doesn’t change the fact that nothing hurts as much as watching you walk away.”

  I want to jump into his arms, and I want to tell him to leave.

  I want to listen to every word he has to say, and I want to refuse.

  “I should never have offered Nic money to stay away from you.” He sits in front of me on the coffee table and leans forward, his elbows on his knees. “I didn’t intend to, but in the end, I saw an opportunity to keep you safe from his influence, and I took it.”

  “He was a son of a bitch,” I say, my eyes filling with tears all over again. “He promised me he wouldn’t deal anymore.” I shake my head. “I think I knew and just didn’t want to admit it to myself. I didn’t want to believe that I’d sold my soul for nothing. I’m just as bad as Lindy. I’m worse.”

  “But you’re not, Bailey.” He shakes his head. “She didn’t need the money, and she didn’t just take a check. She took my child. You did what you believed you had to do. You were in an impossible position and you needed the money. As much as it hurts, I understand.” He reaches for my hand and skims his fingertips across my knuckles, then lifts his eyes to mine. “Come home.”

  “I promised myself I’d never take your money, and I already have. Through your parents, through your money to Nic, through my student loans . . .”

  “I don’t care about the money. I only care about you, but I get it. I understand how it feels dirty to you, like I bought you.” He closes his eyes, and I steal the moment to study his perfect face—the angle of his cheekbones, the firm cut of his jaw, his soft lips. “Bailey, I don’t want to buy your love any more than you want to be bought. I want to wake up every day and know you’re there because you want to be. We’ve been through hell to be together. People don’t do this shit for money. It sucks too much.”

  I laugh and grab his hand. “It totally sucks.”

  “Can we kiss and make up yet?”

  “What about your dad?”

  “I don’t want to kiss him,” he says. I laugh, and that makes him grin, but his smile falls away as he shrugs. “Whether you’re in my life or not, my father and I will have a difficult relationship. He’s my father, but he’s not my family.”

  I frown. “What makes someone your family, then?”

  “Family is the foundation of your life. They’re who you go home to, who you need when you have a bad day, and who you can forgive for anything.” He slides a hand into my hair and looks into my eyes. “For me, that’s always been you.”

  “And the Gators win!” the announcer calls, and Mia and I dance around Mason’s living room—not just in celebration of the win but in celebration of Mason finally getting the play time he deserves. I’ve been back in Seaside for two weeks and this is the second game Mason’s been a starter again. Rumor has it that Bill was sick of losing and finally did what he should have been doing all along—told the coaches to play whomever they thought could win the game.

  Since both of our husbands are traveling this weekend, Mia flew down to spend the weekend with me. “This calls for wine,” I say, heading to the kitchen before I stop myself and turn back to her. “Unless you’re pregnant?”

  She laughs and shakes her head. “I’m not and we aren’t trying yet. But it is nice to know that if we had a surprise we would both be okay with it.”

  “Absolutely. I get that.”

  She joins me in the kitchen. While I get the wine, she pulls two glasses from the cabinet. “Both when Mom moved away and when Nic died, the loss just came so suddenly that sometimes I have to remind myself that I don’t need to rush my life with Arrow, and even if I wanted to, it wouldn’t bring Nic back.”

  My hand shakes as I pour the wine. She just gave me the opening I need, but I’m so nervous. “Do you remember the summer in high school when my sister adopted a new baby and I came down to help her?” I study Mia’s face as I ask her. I feel as if I’ve been holding my breath all day.

  “You mean when you blew off the first two weeks of school because you were having too much fun in Florida?” She nods but she’s smiling. “I remember.”

  I bite my lip. “I wasn’t just coming down to help her. I was coming down because I had to be here.” I pull up a picture of Faith on my phone and hand it to Mia. “That’s Faith. She turned six this summer.”

  Mia’s eyes widen as she looks at the screen. I wonder if she sees what no one else knows to look for—Nic’s kind eyes, Mia’s heart-shaped hairline, a smile that is just like mine. “She’s beautiful.”

  She doesn’t suspect anything, and guilt has my heart in a vise. She wouldn’t suspect anything because she’s my best friend, and she wouldn’t expect me to keep such a big secret. “She’s Nic’s.”

  Mia tears her eyes from the screen to look at me, and they’re full of questions.

  “She’s mine and Nic’s.” A dozen emotions cross over Mia’s face, and I hold my breath, waiting to see which will stay.

  “I have a niece?”

  I nod. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you. I’m sorry I never told you. I was so scared. And Sarah really is very private. Her life fell apart when her husband left, and I think maybe part of her wondered if she had any right to Faith after that. She’d been so self-righteous about raising her, because she had this great life to give my little girl. And then that all fell apart, and she was only getting by with my help. It’s not like I was trying to take Faith back, but maybe subconsciously she was always worried I might want to. And who wouldn’t? This kid’s amazing.”

  Mia’s hand shakes. Her fingers hover over the screen as if she wants to touch it but is afraid Faith might disappear if she dares.

  “I want you to meet her.”

  Her eyes lift to mine. “Really?”

  “I got the okay from Sarah. She doesn’t want Faith to know you’re her daddy’s sister—not yet—but if you’re okay with just being Aunt Bailey’s friend, we can go meet her today.”

  “Thank you, Bailey.” She bites her bottom lip and tears spill onto her cheeks. “Thank you so much.”

  I shake my head. “What are you thanking me for? I kept this from you, and that wasn’t right.”

  She squeezes my hand. “Thank you for giving me my brother back. In a way.”

  I wrap my arms around her and hug her so tightly, saying a silent prayer of thanks for having a friend like her, even if I never did anything to deserve her.

  “What are you doing, Mason?”

  “Okay,” he says. “You can open you
r eyes.”

  I’m nervous, my stomach fluttering as if it’s nothing more than scraps of paper in the wind. But when I do open my eyes, I’m not even sure where we are. It’s dark, and there’s a fence in front of us and lights in the distance. “I don’t understand.”

  “We’re at the airport.”

  I look at the lights in front of us and then back to Mason and his anxious smile. “Yeah, but why?”

  He swallows. “Nic used to take you to the airport on dates, right?”

  “Yeah . . .”

  “I’m glad I wasn’t your childhood crush, because crushing on the bad boy next door made you daring. I’m glad I wasn’t your first love, because loving a man everyone thought the worst of made you unapologetic. I’m grateful I wasn’t your first lover, because giving Faith to your sister made you selfless. I don’t want to erase Nic from your life, because I’m madly in love with the woman you are, and he’s part of you.”

  My eyes brim with tears. Damn. Why does he have to be so good at this?

  “I can’t bring him back for you, Bailey. All these years I’ve been waiting for you to want me more than you want him, but almost losing you for real made me realize how stupid that was. Love isn’t an elementary school game of kickball. It’s not about being picked first. It’s about wanting to give you everything I can. It’s about wanting to experience life with you by my side. I know you don’t like fancy things, which is good, because God knows if they’ll ever renew my contract, and a two-year NFL career doesn’t exactly make for a life of riches.” Chuckling, he ducks his head. “I don’t need fancy things, and I don’t need you to love me more than you loved him. I just want a chance to love you and live my life with you, and to bring you as much happiness as I can. I’ll take whatever love you have to give me. Less or more, bigger, smaller—love doesn’t work like that, and I’m sorry I thought it did.”

  In my chest, my healing heart aches at its seams. “I never loved Nic more than I love you. I just loved him more publicly than I loved you. Because a girl like me is allowed to love a guy like him, and even I didn’t have the audacity to love a man like you, Mason. Loving Nic wasn’t scary, because I always knew he’d push me away again. And if he ever stopped pushing me away, I knew exactly what a life with him would look like. But loving you is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done, because it means I have to believe in myself enough to think I deserve your love in return.”

  He draws in a ragged breath and shakes his head. “Jesus, Bailey, you deserve more.”

  I squeeze his hands. “I’m getting there, okay? But this?” I wave to the lights of the airport in the distance. “Mason, I don’t need you to try to be Nic or give me what Nic would have given me. I don’t want that. I just want you, as yourself, giving me the chance to grow, the chance to be brave enough to love you despite my mistakes.”

  “You have me.”

  “Forever?”

  “And always.”

  When I wake up, there’s a ring on my finger and a man in my bed. Both were there yesterday, and both were in my plans. Thank you, Vegas.

  Behind me, Mason groans and nuzzles his face into my neck. “Is it morning already?” he asks, his hand sliding over my stomach and slinking lower.

  I place my hand on top of his. “It is morning already. Feeling rough?”

  “I think I might be too old for Vegas.”

  I laugh and twist in his arms so I can see his face. “We didn’t even drink last night.”

  “Or sleep,” he says, grinning. “Not that I’m complaining.”

  “It was fun, wasn’t it? Everybody together again.” We all flew out yesterday and met at the same hotel where we gathered for the weekend one year ago. Then, we were there for Arrow and Mia’s bachelor and bachelorette party. This time, we’re doing the same for Keegan and Emma. It’s so much like the last trip, but so different. This time, Mason and I actually got to spend the weekend in each other’s arms instead of just wanting to.

  “How’s my bride this morning?” he asks, his voice low and husky.

  “Tired and happy.” I skim my fingertips over the stubble on his cheek. There’s something about this man before he shaves that makes me purr. “Do you think our friends think we’re crazy?”

  “Do I care?” He kisses my neck. His hand slips between our bodies and finds its way between my legs.

  “Mason, focus.” The command loses power when I spread my thighs and shift my hips to give him a better angle.

  “I am focused.” He touches me with the flat of his palm, rocking against me before exploring with his fingers.

  I shove at his shoulder so he rolls to his back. Straddling his hips, I hold his hands on either side of his head. “I asked if you think our friends think we’re crazy.”

  “What’s crazy about renewing our vows?” He tugs his hands free and cups my breasts, his thumbs skimming over my nipples.

  I tilt my head to the side and rock my hips. “Maybe the part where we did it in a wedding chapel in Vegas,” I say, breathless. “Or the part where we did it in the middle of the night.”

  He arches his hips off the bed to put pressure between my legs. “You can’t claim you were drunk this time.”

  “I was completely sober,” I whisper.

  “And you can’t run away from me.”

  I grin. “I mean, I could . . .”

  He grabs my hips and guides me to slide over him and down his hard length. After last night’s marathon lovemaking, I woke up ready, but I still gasp, a little tender as he enters me.

  “I don’t want to run away,” I tell him. “You’re not going to dodge my calls like you did the first time we got married, are you? I prefer it when you’re talking to me.”

  “You like it when I talk?” He skims his fingertips across my belly and then dips to between my thighs where he finds my clit with his thumb. “Do you want me to talk about how this will never get old? Or about how good it feels to know you’re going to be in my bed every night? I’ll talk all damn day if that’s what gets you off.” My eyes float closed. “Focus, Bailey.” But his thumb keeps working, and it’s hard to think about anything but how good it feels to have him filling me up. My body winds tighter and tighter. “Do you have any idea how much I want you? How much I think about you? Any idea how beautiful you are?”

  He removes his hand from between my legs, and I cry out, but then he’s rolling me to my back, switching our positions so his weight is on me—delicious and sweet. He frames my face with his hands and smiles down at me, his eyes hazy with lust.

  My phone plays Mia’s ringtone, and Mason groans. “Did I seriously tell her I considered her family? Because she’s about to get blacklisted. You need to teach her what mornings in Vegas are reserved for.”

  I laugh, but my laughter dissolves as he pulls my knee up and slides in deeper. “They’re waiting for us,” I murmur. “Remember, we’re supposed to do breakfast.”

  “I’d better hurry, then,” he says, clearly in no hurry at all.

  Thank you for reading In Too Deep, the fifth book in The Blackhawk Boys series. If you’d like to receive an email when I release a new book, please sign up for my newsletter: http://eepurl.com/qymaH

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  “I Was Made for Loving You” by Tori Kelly, feat. Ed Sheeran

  “Fallingforyou” by The 1975

  “L.S.D.” by Jax

  “Something Just Like This” by The Chainsmokers

  “Issues” by Julia Michaels

  “Malibu” by Miley Cyrus

  “Lay Me Down” by Sam Smith

  “Use Me” by The Goo Goo Dolls

  “Heavy” by Linkin Park feat. Kiiara

  “Skinny Love” by Birdy

  “Bad Liar” by Selena Gomez

  “Stay” by Zedd feat. Alessia Cara

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nstagram @writerlexiryan, shoot me an email at writerlexiryan@gmail.com, or find me on my website: www.lexiryan.com

  I usually thank my husband first, but this time I’d like to thank the genius who thought of cold-brew coffee. I mean, the warm stuff is awesome, but I’ve come to the conclusion that cold brew and me are soul mates. It’s there for me when the writing gets tough, and if there’s one thing I know I can count on, it’s that the writing will get tough.

  In all seriousness, I can’t write a book without thanking my husband. As I once heard a writer say of her partner in an acceptance speech, “I could do it without you, but I wouldn’t want to.” Brian understands me and my process, and he picks up the slack when getting a book revised to my standards means a weekend (or three) away from the family. Thank you for everything, Brian. Thank you for believing in me and encouraging me when I need it most. You’re truly my favorite . . . next to cold brew. Let’s say you’re a very close second.

  In addition to my rock-star husband, I’m surrounded by a family who supports me every day. To my kids, Jack and Mary, thank you for making me laugh and giving me a reason to work hard. I am so proud to be your mommy. To my mom, dad, brothers, and sisters, thank you for cheering me on—each in your own way. I’m so grateful to have been born into this crazy crew of seven kids.

  I’m lucky enough to have a life full of amazing friends, too. This book is for Stef, who gets how simple and painful and beautiful Bailey’s choice was. My characters are never based on my friends, but sometimes their bravery is inspired by them. Many thanks to Mira, the bringer of laughter, the giver of pep talks, and the holder of all my (terribly boring) secrets. Thanks also to my workout friends and the entire CrossFit Terre Haute crew, especially Robin, who checks up on me when I disappear too long into the writing cave and likes to remind me that taking care of myself is important too, and my coach, Matt, who creates workouts that are so freaking hard I go more consistently just because I’m trying to avoid that I think I’m going to die today feeling that comes with taking time off.