Totlandia: Winter

by Josie Brown

  In one scene, they’d tied the bowtie to his schlong as a gift to ‘Alice.’

  Thinking about how, when, and where his prized appendage had been used—on her—was enough to make Jade lightheaded. She needed her wits about her. If Ally suspected anything—if Brady had told her about Jade’s past—Ally could use it to keep Brady on the hook. Worse yet, it would get Jade bounced from the club. If Jade blew Oliver’s chances with PHM&T, she’d lose Brady, hands down.

  Would Ally do that to me? Jade wondered.

  In the two and a half weeks since the Pierces had hosted Ally and the other Onesies for Thanksgiving, Brady had gone out of his way to be kind and caring toward Jade. She didn’t know what to think of that. She did know, however, that she was still initiating all the sex they’d had. All she could think about was, Is he also seeing someone else?

  But she was afraid to ask him outright.

  It was hard for her to tell. She couldn’t be with him twenty-four seven. In the mornings, he still went jogging. Every now and then, he went out with some of his tech buddies, or with his stockbroker, or his accountant. One thing was sure, he was no longer following her and Oliver to the meet-ups. Now she wished he did, so that at least she knew what he was doing when she was there with Oliver.

  At least, with Ally here too, she was assured that they weren’t together. Maybe Brady was telling the truth and Ally really wasn’t the one who left the lavender thong in the cabinet.

  But if not her, then whom? And was this person with Brady when she and Oliver—and Ally—were at meet-ups?

  Regardless, ruminating about it made Jade miserable. And now she had one more reason to be anxious. What the hell was Long John DingDong doing here, anyway?

  At first Santa didn’t really look up at her. All moms looked alike, right? At least, that was Jade’s hope and prayer. Instead, he hefted Oliver into the crux of one arm and muttered, “Yeah, okay, what’s this little tyke’s name?”

  Jade turned away as she murmured, “Oliver.”

  “What? Caldwell?” To get it right this time, Santa lifted his beard off his ear. Unfortunately, his eyes were level with Jade’s breasts. Like tractor beams, his irises locked onto them, where they lingered appreciatively. Finally, working their way up to her face, it took a moment for the fog of time and too many doobies to clear from his mind. “As I live and breathe! Jade Oliver, what the hell are you doing here?” He turned to examine Oliver. “And this little guy—he’s yours?”

  Jade’s eyes grew big. She put a finger to her lips as she looked back at the others.

  He ignored her silent plea. “This little guy is, what, over a year old, right? I can’t tell. All these kids look alike to me, especially the little pishers. But just to clear the air, that lets me off the hook, right? I mean, we made that porn flick, what, six months ago? So I can’t be the daddy. Granted, we went at it every which way but loose, but I wore condoms—and none of them broke, so you can’t claim otherwise. I’ve already beat three paternity suits. My fuckin’ lawyer takes all my film royalties. If it weren’t for those damn DNA tests—”

  Jade put her hand over his mouth when she realized it was the only way to shut him up. “Johnny, listen up! I don’t know you. Get it?” She glanced over at Ally who was next in line. She was the last person she’d ever want to know about her porn movie.

  Well, her and Bettina.

  “What’s the hold-up?” Bettina’s voice, ringing out from the back of the line, sent a shiver up Jade’s spine.

  Jade looked from Johnny to Ally, at a loss on what to do.

  Ally held up Zoe for Bettina to see. “My fault, Bettina. Zoe lost a mitten in Santa’s lap. Jade is just trying to help us find it.”

  Ally signaled the photographer to go ahead and take Oliver’s picture, despite the fact that the little boy had practically ripped off Santa’s beard. The minute it was snapped, she nudged Jade to pick up Oliver and hurry off the stage.

  Jade practically ran to the ladies’ lounge. Once there, her look of terror in the mirror made her burst into tears. As she bent down to rinse the mascara out of her eyes, Oliver held his hands under the water, too, then splashed it onto her blouse. She sobbed even louder when she realized how the water made it so sheer that you could see her nipples through her bra.

  The last thing she needed was for Santa to get a hard-on.

  She hadn’t realized Ally had followed her until Zoe squealed and reached out for Oliver. When Jade set Oliver down on the lounge’s settee with her purse, Ally did likewise.

  It took Jade a long time to get the words out without choking on her own shame. “So, now you know.” Then she turned to face her. “Or had Brady already told you?”

  “Brady? No! He never mentioned…a film. He just said he met you at a…a strip club.”

  Jade stared at her incredulously. “Why? Why would he tell you that?”

  Ally shook her head. “Because…because he found out my secret. By mistake. It was his way of saying that it was safe with him.”

  “About your being a single mom, right?” Jade was so happy to be throwing something back in Ally’s face. “And that you also work.” Sadness wiped the smirk off her face. “Still, he didn’t have to tell you mine. He did that because he likes you.”

  The fact that Ally didn’t move was all the confirmation Jade needed.

  “Jade, he and I are nothing more than friends. That’s all. I swear. I…I would never want to lose your friendship over a misunderstanding.”

  A misunderstanding.

  As if.

  She doesn’t know him yet, Jade thought. He won’t give up just because she’s told him no.

  Still, there was hope. Ally had told Brady to cool it. Her friendship with Jade meant something to her.

  If she wants to believe we’re friends, sure I’ll play along, Jade reasoned. As long as they both believe that, he’ll have to stay away.

  I can always use the truth about Ally against her, when the time is right.

  When, finally, she gives in to Brady.

  “By the way, I found your purple thong.”

  Ally gave her a strange look. “My…what? I don’t think I left anything at your house…You mean, like a flip-flop?”

  “Never mind.” Jade shrugged, dabbing away the last of her smeared mascara. “We better get back out there. Jillian’s got a runaway success on her hands—as long as Ferguson doesn’t use the Menorah to set the hotel’s curtains on fire. Do you think Oliver will be that bad when he’s three?”

  “Zoe will outdo him, trust me.” Ally glanced over at her daughter. “Oh my God! She’s painted Oliver with my lipstick! If it doesn’t come out of his shirt, I swear, I’ll buy him a new one.”

  “You don’t owe me anything.” Jade meant every word of that. Not yet, anyway, she thought.

  Chapter 15

  Friday, 15 December

  11:23 a.m.

  “So, what are you wearing to Ally’s shindig tonight?” Jade whispered to Jillian as she dropped Oliver beside the twins, just as the Presidio Library’s reader started in on Salt and Pepper at the Pike Place Market.

  Jillian looked over at her, puzzled. “What are you talking about? I didn’t get any invitation to it.”

  “Silly, of course you did! The club’s parent holiday party! How could you forget?”

  Jillian groaned. “With the planning of the children’s party and all the overtime I’ve been working, it totally slipped my mind! Heck, I have to work that night! My restaurant has a big catering gig.”

  “Don’t be a dummy! If you don’t show up—” Jade shrugged. “Well, let me put it this way, you’d better have a letter from a funeral director informing Bettina that you’re already six feet under, because you’ll be dead and buried to the club, too.”

  Jillian grimaced. “Cover for me. I’m going outside to call my boss and tell him one of the girls is coming down with something. It’s the only excuse that won’t get me fired.”

  She headed out the door, praying that none of
the women on the applications committee noticed her leaving the room.

  ***

  “Seriously? You’re leaving me short-handed for this party?” Brad was practically screaming in Jillian’s ear.

  “I have a sick kid! And—and the other one is starting to sniffle as well.” Jillian bit her lip. She hated to lie. “Besides, with me around all these germs, I doubt you’ll want me spreading them to the party guests.”

  There was silence on the other line. Finally, Brad said, “You owe me.”

  Jillian exhaled. “Yes, I do…but any days other than Mondays, Wednesdays—”

  “Yeah, I get it! ‘Or Fridays.’” He snorted. “This is the last time you bale on me, Jillian. Do you hear me?”

  “Yes. Cross my heart. I just can’t leave a sick child—”

  He hung up before she finished.

  Serves me right, she thought. I’m a lousy liar.

  6:33 p.m.

  “Your crush is a cutie,” Barry whispered in Ally’s ear.

  Ally blushed. “Hush. Someone may overhear us.”

  She looked around the party to see if she could spot Bettina. They had reserved the Flood Mansion for the Pacific Heights Moms and Tots Club parents’ party, and it was packed to the rafters. As hostess, Ally made sure that the tree was the biggest she could find. Tiny white lights twinkled in its boughs. Holly was draped over doors, windows and banisters, and tied with large red velvet bows. Carolers flowed in and out of the large stately rooms. Fake snow fell in gentle drifts from the upstairs balconies in front of the windows below.

  “Don’t worry. She Who Cannot Be Crossed has Mr. Maybe cornered by the tree. That doesn’t seem to make his little wife too happy, since she has to make small talk with Bettina’s snore of a hubby. All he wants to do is look down her dress.” Barry took a swig of his martini. “By the way, I presume you know that Mr. Maybe watches every move you make.” He waved at Brady.

  “Cut it out, troublemaker!” Ally shook her head. “And will you quit calling him Mr. Maybe? Besides, I’ve told him I can’t….we can’t…We can only be friends.”

  “Maybe that’s why he looks so sad.”

  “We’re all sad.” Ally closed her eyes with a sigh. “None of us thought this was going to turn out this way. We thought joining the club would be…easy.”

  “Did you think having a kid would turn your life into Candy Land? You know better than that. Life is never easy.” He grimaced. “And love makes it even more complicated.”

  “Sounds like you’re having man trouble, too.”

  Ally’s sly smile earned a shrug from him. “You know Christian is against my bearding for you. He warned me that if one of these closeted husbands start flirting with me, this whole scheme of yours is going to blow up in your face—and mine, too.” He shook his head. “As if I’d be tempted.”

  “You’re true blue. He knows that.” She laid her head against his shoulder. “Barry, do you hate me for putting you in this predicament?”

  He waited until the carolers had moved to the other side of the ballroom before muttering, “Of course not. Granted, I’d rather be anywhere but here, but if this means so much to you, I guess I can stand it. For one night, anyway.” He squeezed her hand. “I just hope you don’t get hurt. Because then I’d have to haul off and bitch slap Mr. Maybe. Or his wife. Ouch! She looks like she packs quite a punch.”

  She was laughing so hard, she doubled over. Barry pulled her up and gave her a kiss on the lips.

  “That’s just in case anyone doubts I love you,” he whispered in her ear.

  She teared up and gave him a fierce hug, as if she’d never let him go.

  ***

  Brady shouldn’t have been looking over at Ally, damn it, because whenever he did, it made Jade antsy and bitchy. Still, every now and then he’d give her a sidelong glance.

  He glanced over just as Barry kissed her.

  He also saw Ally grab Barry as if she never wanted to let go of him.

  What the hell kind of kiss is that? he wondered. Maybe the guy isn’t a fruit after all. Maybe he’s just playing her.

  The thought made his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. He wanted to kill the son-of-a-bitch.

  ***

  It sure as hell bothered Bettina that Brady was barely listening to her. But instead, she gave him a simpering smile. “We must have you two over for dinner some night! How about after the holidays?”

  “Sure,” Brady assured her. “How about the first Saturday of the year?” He looked over at Jade and winked.

  Jade looked back at him with a silent scream. “Save me!” it seemed to be saying, but Brady ignored it. He knew it should have bugged him that Bettina’s husband, Art, couldn’t take his eyes off Jade’s low-cut sweater dress, but it didn’t. They each had a role to play in the intricate PHM&T hunger games. If getting Bettina’s husband all hot and bothered was Jade’s, then so be it. As far as he was concerned, getting cozy with Bettina was the key to victory.

  ***

  Jade couldn’t believe it. She was standing right next to Art Cross, one of her old regulars at the Condor Club, and he didn’t even recognize her! How many tens had he stuck in her G-String? How many lap dances had she given him? Granted, yes, she’d worn a wig, but come on already! And she still went by Jade!

  But they weren’t standing in the Condor Club, and she wasn’t hugging a pole.

  Maybe the fact that she was clinging to Brady instead made all the difference.

  Or not. His eyes hadn’t left her breasts. She could have had one eye in the middle of her forehead and he wouldn’t’ve noticed.

  Come to think of it, the same thing always happened at the Condor. Go figure.

  “What is it again that you do, Art?” she asked, attempting to get him to quit counting the threads on her new angora sweater dress.

  “Financial management. Speaking of which, Brady, I have a hot tip on a new start-up that may interest you.”

  “Oh? I don’t know, Art. I’m playing so many dark horses right now. In fact, Matt turned me onto a company out of the UK doing some innovative stuff with DNS and Wi-Fi. Turns out, he was right. It was worth investigating.”

  Brady’s declaration was all it took to pry Art’s eyes off Jade’s boobs. By the time Art caught Bettina’s eye, he wasn’t smiling.

  Upon hearing Matt’s name, neither was Bettina.

  ***

  “We’re standing under mistletoe! How about a kiss for an old friend?”

  Obviously, Kelly’s question threw Matt off guard because he spilled his wine on Lorna’s new shoes.

  Lorna jumped back a bit too late. They were ruined.

  “Oops! My bad,” Kelly giggled. “Just like old times, eh, Matty?”

  Matt shook his head. “You were too young to drink.”

  “Isn’t that why you bought booze for the whole dorm?” She batted her eyelashes at him. “Or maybe it was just for me. In any case, much appreciated.”

  Lorna smiled uncertainly. “Bettina mentioned you’d all gone to school together, but I didn’t know you two knew each other…so well.”

  “He was my biggest crush.” Kelly grinned slyly at Matt.

  He actually blushed. “Now you tell me.”

  “Oh, don’t play coy. Of course you knew. Why else would I have invited you to the Valentine’s dance at Lick?”

  “You did?” Matt’s search for that memory left him with a wrinkled brow. “It’s totally slipped my mind.”

  “I’ll have to refresh it. I’ve got a photo somewhere, I’m sure.” She looked over at Lorna. “Fair warning, though, they’re x-rated. He passed out on my bed. We hid him from our dorm monitor by putting him under the covers.”

  Matt shook his head in wonder. “Why don’t I remember any of this?”

  Kelly grabbed Bettina as she floated by. “Back me up, Bettina. Remind your brother that he was once the love of my life. Still is, but we’re keeping that little secret from Keith.” She waved at her husband, who was standing near the bar
with Barry.

  A chance to take a dig at Lorna was exactly what Bettina needed right now, since the cookbook, which was being sold at the event, was winning accolades from every club member in attendance. Almost every box of books Lorna had brought with her had been sold.

  Bettina gave Keith the once-over. Then she looked from Matt to Kelly to Lorna, and back to Matt again. “It was a love match. You broke her heart…among other things. I had to console her for months. If you had stayed sober long enough during college, you might have remembered, Matt.” She glanced at Lorna. “All’s well that ends well, I guess.”

  They all laughed.

  Except for Lorna. She was wishing that the carolers would put a sock in it, because she was getting a splitting headache.

  ***

  “I miss you. Why haven’t you called?” Kimberley’s hiss came with a firm pat to Brady’s ass. If the carolers hadn’t been loudly and enthusiastically encouraging all the faithful to come to Bethlehem, he was sure the whole room would have heard him yelp.

  “It’s a busy time of year. You know that.” Brady nudged her through the terrace door. It was freezing out there, but he could’ve cared less. If he were lucky, she’d catch a cold and be bedridden for a month.

  If there truly were a God, she’d come to her senses and leave him alone.

  Apparently, there wasn’t because she presumed his wanting to be alone with her meant he was ready for his own hallelujah chorus, and she dropped to her knees. He was still trying to pry her fingers from his belt buckle when he heard Barry call down to him, “Nice night isn’t it?”

  He was standing just above them, on the upstairs balcony. Thankfully Barry hadn’t noticed Kimberley due to the privet hedge in front of the terrace being taller than Kimberley on her knees.

  “Yes, beautiful!” Brady tried to keep his voice lighthearted despite Kimberley’s shenanigans. He slapped the top of Kimberley’s head so that she’d keep still. But when he tried to step away, she held tight to his zipper.