Memories of her will haunt me. The blue of her eyes, the silkiness of her touch, the feel of her lips on every part of my body. Thinking about never feeling her hands on my chest, or her mouth on my cock causes my mouth to go dry. It's not what I want. None of this is what I fucking want. I run a hand through my hair realizing I'm going to end up hating myself no matter what. No, if I hurt her the way I hurt Luna, I won't just hate myself, I won’t be able to live with myself.
In light of my choices, or lack of, I do the only thing I can. I dig a hole in the sand and bury my head in it. Denial has an appeal like nothing else in this world. It's warm and dark. There's no light forcing you to see the truth, and at the same time no monsters can exist here.
Life is in limbo; nothing to celebrate and no failures to face. It is an escape from the tediousness of daily life without doing the hard work that goes hand in hand with making a real change. Denial is a friend as it offers you all that you want when the rest of the world tries to show you otherwise.
If I stay in this land of denial, I'm promised fantasy. It allows me to remain insulated in the here and now without having to face my fears or make the tough decisions. Sure I can't move forward, but things will stay exactly as they are, as long as I pretend. I can make believe my life is moving in the direction I want. I can pretend I'm the man I want to be. I can pretend that nothing will pull Selene from my arms.
Looking at her I start digging my hole, convincing myself that I have an over active imagination and that she's fine. It's the only thing I can do. It's the only thing that makes sense. I keep the conversation light. I talk about what I liked best in each of the places we visited.
On the train ride back to the hotel, I fill my head with thoughts of Selene in Venice. I hoped to take her for another gondola ride beneath the stars. I didn't even suggest it for fear that she might have said she wasn't up to it, and I might have to deal with the fact that something is wrong with her.
By the time we get back to the hotel, all Selene wants to do is sleep. All I want to do is fuck. Pissed off and frustrated I step out onto the balcony. We did the couple thing, the tourist thing. Don't I deserve a little treat for putting up with that shit all day? At the very least I should've earned a world class blow job.
"Is everything okay, Coop? You seem very distracted," Selene asks as she joins me outside.
"All's good." I lie and flash a smile.
"Then why aren't you inside with me?" She asks wrapping her arms around my waist.
I look down at her with fire burning in my eyes. A fire that comes close to the fire I have burning in my pants. "You look tired."
"I am tired." My jaw tightens in response. "But that doesn't mean I don't want you next to me. She pulls my shirt out of my pants and runs her hands over my stomach, right up to my chest. "It doesn't mean I don't want you."
I stare at her. Every muscle in my body is tight with sexual tension. I'm a shit. I know she isn't up for this, and it pisses me off. I don't answer. I reach my hands under her hair and massage the base of her neck. Her head rolls back and her eyes close.
Selene slides her hands down to the fly of my jeans. She opens them quickly and pulls them and my boxers down low enough to release me, right there in the open. The last thing I want right now is for her to start something she has no intention of finishing. That won't go over well for either of us.
"You don't have to," I say, not quite sure why. She's willing, and I want her to. Boy do I want her to. She has a tight grip on my cock, and the only thing I want right now is for her to get me off.
"I know," she says giving me that teasing smile of hers as she gets down to her knees.
The right thing would be to stand her up and take her inside, but I don't. I stay out here holding tight to her hair while her tongue runs the length of my shaft. Once she takes all of me in her mouth I forget everything else.
I dive deeper into my lair of denial because the way she gets my body to respond to her is perfect. It's right on target, and I can further convince myself all is well.
I forget everything as my hips thrust back and forth as I fuck her mouth. All I know is the feeling building inside me. I keep my eyes locked on her. She's never looked more perfect than she does right now kneeling in front of me, completely vulnerable. And then it happens. I try to pull out before I explode, but she doesn't let me.
When I finish cumming, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, and I help her back up to her feet. Selene smiles at me, the sweetest, most beautiful smile I've ever seen. My heart is thumping fast and furious, and it's not because I just came, it's more than that. It's the heaviness in my chest as I bring my mouth to hers and kiss her with every ounce of passion I feel for her.
I can't find the words, so I need the kiss to express how I feel. I want her to know beyond a doubt that she's mine. She's been mine since I first laid eyes on her. But here, now, I laid a claim on her that solidifies it.
She's my girl, and she’s sexy and hot, and kinky. She's my girl, and she's fucking perfect. I gloat as I say the words over and over in my head, she's my girl.
The words I want to say, need to say are on the tip of my tongue. I don't give a shit that she hasn't said it or that we've only known each other a few months. I know the way my pulse races when I think of her, the way my heart drums in response to her, the way she invades and occupies my thoughts, that I love her. I'm in love with Selene. But instead of telling her, I choose to show her.
I sweep her up into my arms. "Cooper!" she squeals laughing.
"It's your turn, baby. And you better hold on tight, because I'm going to fuck you so hard everyone in this city is going to hear you scream for more.
Chapter 15
I step outside, but it's not the hotel terrace. It's higher and much wider with no rails or barriers. I'm on a roof. I don't know how the hell I got here. I look behind me. There's no way to get back inside.
What the fuck?
A girl with long dark hair is sitting with her legs dangling off the edge. I want to call out to her, but I'm afraid if I do, I might startle her and she might fall.
"What took you so long?"
I look around to see who she's speaking to. I'm the only one here, so it must be me.
"If you want to talk, why don't you come over here and step away from the ledge."
"No, Cooper," she snaps back, pain and anger ripe in her voice. "You can't save me. It's too late. So don't bother trying."
"I don't believe you. You're here for a reason."
"You're right." She turns to me and it's the first time I've seen that smile in years. My heart skips a beat, and I find it hard to swallow. She's just as beautiful as I remember, but the feeling spreading through me isn't love. It's regret. "I'm here to take her away."
"What? Who?" At first I don't understand what she's talking about. I don't piece it together, because Luna and Selene have nothing to do with each other. They're completely separate parts of my life. But Luna's violet/ blue eyes size me up and pierce into me, as if she knows exactly what I'm thinking. Her lips creep up at the corners into a mocking smile."
"You always were a day behind and a dollar short."
"What?" I wish she'd stop talking in fucking riddles.
"Come on, Cooper, you're smarter than this." Luna turns away from me and looks down once again.
"Come on," I walk over and grab her by the arm. My fingers are wrapped so tight around her flesh my knuckles are white.
She laughs at me. She's fucking laughing, and I have half a mind to shove her off the roof myself. Luna sneers at me at me and licks her lips. It's the most evil fucking look I've ever seen.
I feel rage rising up inside me. There's no other way to describe this all out, uncontrollable anger that she stirs in me. It needs to be unleashed before it consumes me. I can feel it, see it, she's trying to destroy me, and I've lived like this long enough. I need to put an end to this, to her, here and now.
"Get the fuck up." I yank her arm hard and pu
ll her up to her feet in one swift motion.
Standing, Luna looks down at something on the ground and waves her hand. My heart is beating so fucking hard I feel my pulse throughout my body, in my throat, and my fingers. Even down to the tips of my toes. I'm trembling beside her, knowing without looking who she's waving to.
"What's the matter, Cooper? Did she find a way to break into that steal heart of yours?"
"No!" I yell at Luna. "You bitch. Don't you dare hurt her!"
"Or what? What can you do? You can't fight me. You can't run from me. I'll always find you. So what is it you think you can do?"
My hands are clenched into fists at my sides. I never wanted to hit a woman so bad in my life. I'm struggling, using every ounce of self-restraint to keep myself from decking her and pounding on her face until she goes away forever.
"You turned away from me. Turned me away when I needed you the most."
"Go back to where ever the hell you came from."
"Not until I see the look on your face." Again that knowing sneer. That sneer that says she has the upper hand. She can't possibly. Not unless . . .
I know the blood just drained from my face. Maybe even my whole body. "What did you do to her?"
"Go ahead, Cooper. Look. Take a look at your precious Selene. You know you want to. You're trying to convince yourself that everything is fine, but you know better. You feel it in here." She taps her hand against my chest, and it hurts, as if she zapped me with a lethal electrical charge.
"Come on. You know looking will confirm your worst fear. You'll never believe if you don't see it. You want to look. You want to look so bad you're forcing your eyes closed, because you don't want to give me the satisfaction, and you know if they're open the temptation is too great. You're going to do it, Cooper. You might as well get it over with." She shoves me forward and pushes the back of my head. "Look, Cooper! Look at her lying on the ground."
Luna has me in some sort of paralysis grip. I'm at the edge, facing forward and I can't move. I try to fight her hold on me, but it does nothing. Nothing but wear me out and frustrate me. And then it happens, just as she said, I can't keep my eyes from looking down and seeing my precious Selene, splattered on the ground, blood all around her.
"Selene!" The scream is so loud, so guttural I think a vein in my head burst and my vocal cords snapped in half. I can't breathe. The pain in my chest feels like it's been ripped open and someone's breaking my ribs apart. "Selene!" I cry again.
"Shh. I'm right here." Her hands are on either side of my face, holding me. Her soft lips press against my cheek, making their way to my mouth. "I'm right here, Cooper."
I open my eyes and stare at her afraid she's going to shimmy away and disappear. It's her. My beautiful, sweet Selene. I run my hands through the soft blonde curls, and over the flawless creamy skin of her face making sure she's real. My trembling fingers comb through her hair, and I pull her to me. I need to hold her, feel her. I don't say anything. My throat burns, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to speak again.
"You're okay, Cooper." She kisses my forehead damp with sweat and holds me close. "It was just a dream."
Not a dream. A fucking nightmare.
I take her face between my shaking hands and hold her still, so I can look in her eyes and make sure they're bright and full of fire. She's nervous. Scared. So am I. I'm scared out of mind. Downright terrified.
"Selene," I whisper, my voice inaudible. "Don't leave me." I feel wetness on my cheek, and I know sometime while I was sleeping, or screaming, or finding solace in her arms, tears have escaped from my eyes. I'm such a pussy. I hate myself. Hate that I'm crying like a little fucking girl.
"I'm not going anywhere," she assures me, kissing the salty tears away as she straddles me. Having given into exhaustion earlier in the night, we fell asleep naked. This is all I need, the feel of her body against mine. Even under the stress of the nightmare, my body responds to her. I'm hard. I have no will, no ability to think or act right now. All I can do is lose myself in her blue eyes. Lose myself to the fact that she's alive and safe, and in my arms.
"It's okay, Cooper. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere," she says reaching down, using her hand first, to stroke me, and then to position me inside her. Once settled on top of me so that I'm deep within her, Selene's fingers twine in my hair, she's holding me and forcing me to look at her while she speaks and moves her hips.
"Feel me. I'm here. I'm with you. I'm all around you."
I wrap my arms around her tight and lean my head against her chest, not used to being so close, so intimate. I surrender to her completely while I do little more than listen to the cadence of her heartbeat, and cling to her as she moves in a smooth, easy rhythm. I'm completely still, except to tilt my head up and stare at her face every now and then. Each time I do, I find her looking back at me. Like she knows what's on my mind and in my heart. I just want to look in her eyes and hope that simple connection can express everything I wish I could say.
Within minutes, I'm composed. I didn't realize how desperately I needed to be inside her, how I needed to be one with her. Every touch is tender and passionate. She's expressing more than her physical needs and desires. She's expressing something much deeper, much more important. She not only understands what I need, she's giving it to me. Unselfishly. Asking for nothing in return.
In my head, I say the words over and over. I say what I'm feeling, what I'm sure she already knows. "I love you. I love you so much, Selene." But those words can't leave my mouth, no matter how bad I want them to. They stay trapped in my head, trapped in my throat. I can't get them past my lips. It's as if they're a vial of poison and saying them will shatter the container, and blast the poison not just through my heart, but through my mind and body as well. I keep trying, but I can't get any sound out of my mouth.
Once again it's like she knows what I'm thinking, as she stares lovingly into my eyes, her gaze never wavering. "It's okay, Cooper. I'm here." She says crushing her mouth on mine and containing my screams as I become a slave to my body and explode inside her.
Chapter 16
Make believe works on both ends. I can pretend she's fine, and now it's her turn to make believe I'm still the great guy she wants me to be. Selene doesn't ask me what happened. She doesn't look to digest my life and find the hidden meaning. She lays besides me and when my arms wrap around her and pull her against my chest, she snuggles up and holds my arms tight.
I should say something. I know I should, but I can't. What can I say? "Sorry I'm such a pussy, babe." No. If I have an iota of self-respect left I can't apologize. But I have to say something.
"Thank you," I whisper into her ear.
She lets out a long breath, and I feel her body relax even further and meld into mine. "Anytime."
Within minutes I feel the change in her breathing, and I know she's asleep. I close my eyes and recapture the look she had in her eyes when she was on top of me a few minutes ago. So sweet. So beautiful. I don't know how long it takes me to fall back asleep, but at some point I do, and I don't wake again until late in the morning.
We make small talk over breakfast. Selene doesn't ask what happened last night and keeps the conversation light and easy. She's amazing.
My feelings for her surprise me more with each passing day. I keep waiting for the moment I don't want to be with her, but it doesn't come. It's been months now, and no annoying habits have gotten under my skin. Nothing but her. I don't want to be without her. That must be the reason for the nightmares. I'm realizing just how deep inside me she is. And I'm afraid.
The train ride to Rome is much like breakfast. It's light and easy, but I feel the tension building between us. Maybe it's just my imagination? Perhaps I'm looking for something to go wrong, for this all to fall apart.
I try to bury the feeling rising in my chest, the feeling that at any minute the other shoe is going to drop, because Selene proved to me last night, and the way she's handling everything this morning, that I have nothing t
o worry about.
I contemplate telling her about Luna. If I do, maybe I'll find some peace. Maybe the dreams will stop, and then I can devote not just my body, but my soul to Selene as well. She deserves it far more than Luna ever did. The problem is Luna stole a piece of me. She took the best part of me and left with it, forever. I don't know how to get it back, but if I don't find a way to make amends with Luna, it's going to destroy Selene and me for certain.
*
The Trevi fountain truly is the most beautiful and detailed fountain I've ever seen. Pictures don't do it justice. We are just as awed by this breathtaking sight as we were standing in the courtyard at the Vatican and yesterday at St. Mark's Basilica. The tour is wrapping up and the guide gives us a coy smile.
"It is said if you stand with your back to the fountain and toss a coin in over your shoulder, you are assured a return visit to Rome."
"I've been told," a woman from the crowd calls out. "That if you do that, you are certain to find true love."
"I don't need to toss a coin in for that," Selene says in a soft voice.
"Oh yeah? Why's that?" I ask pulling her back against my chest and leaning my head on her shoulder.
"Because I already found my true love," she says turning in my arms to face me and clasping her hands behind my neck. "And he's standing right in front of me."
I bring my lips to hers, feeling as if I'm floating in the air. I never thought I'd hear those words. Not from anyone that wasn't family. I can't believe she just told me she loves me. And after the episode last night. I squeeze her tight, lifting her off her feet.
"I love you, too, Selene," I say burying my face in her hair. Whatever little bit of a heart I have, it belongs to you."
"You're too hard on yourself, Cooper. You have a giant heart full of love." She's beaming. Her eyes are locked on mine, and she's fucking glowing from the inside. For the first time I realize I must have something to offer her. I must be better than the piece of garbage my mother convinced me I am, or else Selene would never have fallen in love with me. And not just fallen in love, she said I'm her true love.
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