*
Selene is wiped out again. We head straight back to the hotel after dinner. I pull a bottle of champagne out from the mini refrigerator along with two glasses. It doesn't matter where we are, my girl is in love with me. That's something to celebrate.
"None for me," Selene offers a reluctant smile.
I stare at the bottle in my hand, realizing that she hasn't had more than a sip or two of wine since we got here. I don't need for Selene to drink, but it's unlike her, and it only convinces me further that something is seriously wrong.
I set the bottle and glasses down on the counter, and pull Selene over to the bed. I need to get to the bottom of this before I drive myself crazy.
"Come here," I say settling her down on the spot next to me.
Selene looks at me through her long dark lashes. It's like she's trying to hide behind them. I hold her face between my hands and start with a slow and tender kiss.
"Baby, I know something's wrong. I can see it. I'm worried sick about you. Please tell me what's going on."
She nods. "Okay. This is so much easier now that I told you I love you and I know you feel the same."
My heart drops in a free fall. Fuck. Deep down I knew something was wrong, but I hoped it wasn't true.
"I was really nervous about how you'd react." She stands, but I take her hand and pull her back down. "I still am," she says meeting my eyes again.
"No, baby." I take her hands in mine and rub my thumbs over her knuckles. "Whatever it is, we'll get through it together."
A smile spreads across Selene's face and tears fall from her eyes. She lunges at me and wraps her arms around my neck tight. I don't push her back yet. I take the moment to hold her and console her. I want her to know that I'm here and I'm not going anywhere.
"Okay. Here goes," she says, and I feel like she's stalling for time. "Cooper, I'm pregnant."
What. The. Fuck.
I drop her hands. My body goes rigid. Talk about a sucker punch.
Her eyes dart down toward the floor as silence builds and I feel a wall rising between us. Forget a wall, it builds a fucking moat, castle and armory.
"I know this isn't something we planned." She reaches out for my face, but I flinch away, unable to tolerate her touch. "Please say something, Cooper." Her eyes well with tears. "You're scaring me."
I stand and take a step away from her, but she doesn't let me move. She's on her feet and I feel her hand brush against mine.
"Cooper."
"Get the fuck away from me!" I explode. "You stupid fucking bitch! How can you do this?"
Selene's hand covers her mouth, and her eyes pool with tears. She doesn't let them fall though. She takes a moment, fights her emotions and composes herself.
"Why are you acting like this?"
"Why? You fucking ask why you little, lying bitch?" My words assault her. I see their effect on her face but I can't stop. I don't want to. She woke a sleeping dragon. I'm breathing fire, and I'm not going to stop until I destroy everything in my path. Right now that happens to be Selene. "You fucking lied to me. You did this on purpose!"
She shakes her head back and forth. "No. How can you say that?"
"Easy," I say advancing on her. "You told me you were on the pill." I look at her with distain. "If you didn't want to get pregnant you would've made sure you were responsible enough to take it the way you were supposed to. That's all you had to do! Take a little fucking pill every day. I guess that was just too fucking hard for you."
Her hand comes across my face. "I did you jackass."
I grab her wrist post swing. My fingers squeeze and dig into the flesh. "Don't you ever fucking hit me," I hiss. "Not unless you're prepared for me to hit you back."
Selene's eyes grow wide. I recognize everything I've feared seeing. Hurt. Anger. Fear. Good. She deserves to feel every one of those things.
She works hard at wrenching free from my grasp. I don't say anything. I just stand there seething as she rubs her wrist, then wraps her arms across her stomach. Is that supposed to make things better? Really?
"I can't believe you're acting like this," she says sniveling.
"What did you expect?" I hiss, leaning in on her. "Did you think I'd be happy?"
"No. Not exactly happy, but it was an accident."
"An accident huh? Maybe it's such an accident some other jerk-off knocked you up and you're trying to pass it off as mine. You think you're the first girl to pull this shit on me?"
Again her hand flies up and covers her mouth.
"Who hurt you?"
I shake my head. "Don't change the subject. Did you think it would turn out different this time?" I don't ask. I order her to tell me.
"I don't know what you're talking about. Right now I feel like I don't know you at all."
"You don't know. You're a fucking liar is what you are. I need to get the hell away from you."
Needing to get out, to escape, I head toward the door. I don't know where I'm going, but right now the further from her the better.
"This is about Luna isn't it?"
I freeze. She just confirmed what I accused her of. She knows. How the fuck did she find out?
"How do you know that name?" I turn on her, and there's no more hiding, no more pretending to be someone I'm not. The cold, heartless bastard is back I feel the monster inside me surface.
"Please, you're scaring me."
"You should be scared. Now answer the fucking question."
Tears fall in a torrent from her eyes. I don't move. Nor do I lessen my scrutiny of her. I need to know where she's coming from and what her end game is, so I can properly defend myself.
"How do you know that name?" I ask again, not bothering to hide my anger or irritation.
"From you." She says much more composed than I thought she'd be. She lifts her head high and sticks her chin out. "You've called her name in your sleep. More than once."
Fuck. I run my hand through my hair. I must have told her everything in my sleep. That's why she didn't even bother to ask me about last night. She already fucking knows.
"What else did I say?"
She shakes her head. You called her, and you called me. That's all I know. But she's the reason for the tattoo isn't she? She's the reason you're so hard on yourself. Things didn't end well and you blame yourself."
"Things didn't end well?" I force a haughty laugh from my mouth. "They didn't end well? Yeah, you can say that. Let me tell you how not well they ended. Luna's dead."
Selene's shocked. I see it in her eyes and at how hard she swallows. I give her credit though, she's not running. Yet.
"I'm sorry."
"You're sorry? What are you sorry for? For getting knocked up? For doing it on purpose? Or for sticking your nose where it doesn't belong?"
"I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry you never gave me a chance to help you. Most of all, I'm sorry I fell in love with you."
Right back at you babe.
"Then you'll get rid of it?" I ask, knowing that's the only decent thing to do. For all of us. Including the thing growing inside her.
She shakes her head. "No."
"So I don't get a fucking say at all? You lie, and now I'm on the hook?"
"I didn't lie." Her voice rises. "It's from the antibiotics. Sometimes the pill doesn't work when you're on them. And I don't recall asking you for anything."
"That's what you say now. What happens when you pop the little bastard out? Then you'll be looking for money to pay for it."
"Fuck you, Cooper! And don't ever say anything like that about my baby again."
"Right. Your baby. It's all about you isn't it?"
"What does that mean?"
"What if the tables were turned? What if you didn't want it but I did? Then you'd have every right to kill it, and I still wouldn't have a fucking say. So it's all about you. I'm just the dumb ass that has to pay for the rest of my life."
"If you don't want to be part of our life, that's fine by me."
"Great. Have a nice fucking life."
I grab my suitcase out of the closet and start throwing my shit in it.
"Where are you going?" I hear desperation in her voice. It's familiar. It's how many of my nights ended with girls that thought I'd stay and hold them. Girls that were easy lays. I hoped to never hear that sound from Selene. But right now I couldn't care less. She betrayed me, in the worst way, and I want to be as far from her as possible. Another continent doesn't seem far enough.
Chapter 17
"I guess this summer fucked you up pretty bad, huh?" Noah asks.
"You have no idea." Fucked up doesn't even touch the surface. I was lost, alone. I had no one to turn to. "I don't know what was worse, finding out Selene was pregnant, catching you and Lexi together, or having my father tell me he's gay. And lucky me, it all happened in the same week."
"But you turned it around and it all worked out."
"Not all, Noah. Selene and I didn't work out."
"You don't know that. Make it right."
That's my best friend, always simplifying things. I look out the tiny window at the inky black sky. "She forgave me once, I don't think I'm lucky enough, or deserving enough for her to forgive me again. We don't even know if she's going to make it." My voice cracks. Tears streak down my face. I don't bother hiding them. I just swipe them away with my hand. I have no more pride, just regret. Regret for letting the best thing in my life slip through my fingers.
"Get this through that thick skull of yours, Cooper. She's going to make it. And you're going to get down on your knees and beg her to forgive your sorry ass one last time. And she will. Because she loves you."
*
I fall back to my memories once again. One week changed everything. Everything I know has been altered and nullified. What's worse, I have no one to turn to. No safe haven. No one to get lost in. I scroll through the contacts on my phone. I don't want to call anyone. No one can fill the void she left. No one can make my chest stop aching. Even though I feel trapped and betrayed by Selene, I miss her, and I can't shake the empty feeling inside me.
Under normal circumstances I'd turn to Noah, but I can't now. I caught that son of a bitch fucking my sister. My baby sister. I lost it when I caught her coming out of his room, dressed in his clothes. Even though I went with him and helped him make amends, I'm not on great terms with either of them. Especially since I had to own up to how I've spent years trying to keep them apart. And the cherry on this dung cake I'm being served, is finding out that my father has been leading a secret gay life since he left us. My father is gay. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?
It's like the only people that care about me, that really know me, conspired to make my life a living hell. I've never felt so lost or alone. Even if I had someone else to turn to, I don't want anyone. I want Selene. I pace around my apartment for the fiftieth time this morning. It's quiet and empty. The silence is deafening.
I want a distraction. I need one, but no matter what I do, or where I go, I'm reminded of why I'm so fucking uptight and miserable. No matter where I look, I see her. In my bed, on my couch.
Needing an escape and a diversion, I go down to the pool and swim a few laps. Physical exertion usually loosens me up. I use my pent up anger and frustration to fuel my arms as I cut through the water, pulling it behind me and propelling me forward with every stroke. It's not working. My muscles are tight, and I'm cramping up. Instead of thinking about breathing and the precision of my strokes, I'm wondering if Selene is alone, or if she already found someone to replace me.
I can't take it anymore. I have to go to her. I don't know if she's home, but it's the best place to start. I haven't attempted to contact her since I walked out on her, nor has she pinged me. I only hope she's not so furious that she won't respond at all. I don't want her to know I'm coming, but if she's not home, I'll need to reach out to her, and if she's across the county, I'll just have to go to her.
I shower and dress quickly, making sure to take the time to shave before I step out of my apartment. She loves to run her soft hands over my face when I'm clean shaven. Since I have no idea how she'll react to seeing me, I have to give her some incentive to hear me out.
I stop off at the little store in the building before heading to Selene's. I don't know what she's going to think of the little peace offering I got for her, but it's less about what she likes, more about sending a message: I'm sorry, and I'm here for her. Before I overthink things and change my mind, I get in the car focused on my mission. Win Selene back.
I stand outside her door poised to knock when the air is sucked from my lungs.
Voices.
Selene's, and a distinctly male voice. I don't have time to think about how much it hurts that she's moved on, I need to decide. Now. Stay or go? They're close. He's probably leaving. I look around for someplace to hide, to shield myself.
The door opens, and I'm standing like an idiot unable to move. I see him, but my eyes dart to the side just behind him, where Selene is. Those oceans of blue that I've been longing to see grow wide with surprise. Good.
"Let me guess, you're the boyfriend. I'm sorry, ex-boyfriend," the guys says to me, accentuating the last word, with his arms folded over his chest.
"I'm the boyfriend." I confirm and correct, knowing at once who it is. Mateo.
Before he says another word, Selene touches his arm, looks up at him and gives a slight shake of her head. Fuck. She's telling him she doesn't want to see me. I size him up. We're about the same build, although I'm sure I could take him.
Over the years I learned to channel the anger and pain into my fists. I don't fight often, especially not since I started modeling, but I'll do it now. If I have to, I'll fight to win my girl back.
"Selene?" Even I can hear the uncertainty in my voice as I say her name. I hate that I sound weak. I need to win her over with the same confidence I had when we met. She liked that. Only now, I'm not confident. About anything. Except that my life is falling apart without her in it.
"Go. I'll be fine." She says to her friend. God I hope that's all he is. Fucker moves fast.
A long moment passes with Mateo and we're caught in a stare down. I don't move. I don't blink. Ignoring me completely he turns to her and kisses her cheek. I'm straining to relax my fingers. They have a mind of their own, and the way they're clenching, balling up into fists, tells me they want to punch Mateo and break his perfect fucking nose.
On the bright side, if he and Selene moved out of the friend zone he'd be kissing her on the lips, not the cheek. It's the only bright spot in a bleak haze of darkness.
"I'll be back if you need me."
"Thanks." She offers a smile and dismisses him.
Once again, Mateo's eyes look me up and down. I don't respond. I know that look. He's trying to intimidate me. Not going to happen buddy. I keep my temper in check. If I lose it over Mateo, I'm done for. Once he's gone, Selene steps to the side making room for me to enter her apartment. It's a good sign.
I look around at the small studio. This is no place for a kid. No place for my kid. I can't believe she's pregnant. I hand her the bag. "I didn't know what to bring. I figured flowers and chocolate are too cliché, so I brought you pickles and ice cream."
"Pickles and ice cream?" She says sounding surprised. "Because they aren't at all cliché."
I shrug. "I'm not even sure that's still ice cream. It's probably all melted and drippy."
She takes the bag and heads over a few feet to the kitchen area. "Why are you here?" She asks emotionless, taking the ice cream out of the bag and putting it in the freezer.
I wait for her to turn and look at me. I don't know what to say first. The words are a jumbled mess in my head, I know they won't come out any clearer when I speak, so I start with the first thing that comes to mind. "I'm here to apologize." I step towards her and bring us chest to chest. She backs up so that the counter is at her back. I can't help myself, I reach out and brush a stray hair behind her ear. Even though her
eyes drop, I hear the deep intake of breath, and I relax a little. She might try to fight it, but that breath means I still affect her.
"I miss you."
She still doesn't respond. I reach for her hands and rub my thumb over her knuckles.
"I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm so sorry, baby. I was scared that you were sick, that I might lose you forever. I couldn't handle it."
She pulls her hands out of mine. Shit. This doesn't bode well. I have to turn this around. Fast.
"I would think if you were afraid of losing me, you would've been relieved."
"Everything I said and did, I hate myself. You can't possibly hate me more than I hate me. Please, give me another chance, Selene. Give us another chance. "
Her eyes are tinged with sadness as she's no doubt reliving our last moments together in Italy. I need to take her mind off that, make her forget how cruel I was. I hold her head in my hands and massage the base of her neck. My eyes drop to her lips. Those luscious lips that I yearn to feel against mine. Not yet. I don't want to deal with rejection from her and I'm afraid if I move too fast I'll blow my chance.
"Nothing's changed. I'm still having my baby." She looks up at me, her jaw set, defiance ripe in her eyes.
"Our baby." It comes out low and soft, like a whisper. I can't believe that I'm saying it, that I'm signing on for this. But I have no choice.
She shakes her head. "You accused me . . ."
"I know." I don't want her to repeat the ugly things I said. I need to cut her off and get my words out clear and concise. I inch closer and focus on her mouth. I dip my head down, and ever so lightly brush my lips against hers.
I'm hoping to tease her memory, make her remember what happens when we touch like this; the warmth, the desire, the all-out need. My heart races and I think I'm trembling. I haven't had this kind of physical response since the first time I got laid. But it's Selene's reaction I'm interested in. I need to see how she reacts to me, to a tiny taste after a week of being starved. I need to know that her body misses me the way my body misses her.
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