Selene's hips tilt toward me, and I know I'm on the right track. I slide my hands down her back to her waist, and then under the hem of her shirt. I close my eyes as my hands ghost over the skin on her back. Pressing my hips against her abdomen I hope she feels how much I want her.
Selene shakes her head in protest. She doesn't want me. Fuck. The ache in my chest is becoming unbearable.
"I miss you so much. I miss you when I wake up in the morning. I miss you when I go to sleep at night. My entire day is spent wondering where you are and what you're doing. I wonder each minute if you're alone, or if you're thinking of me as well."
She scrunches her eyes up tight, like it's painful to hear my words. Maybe it is. It's more painful to say them and know there's a chance she's going to tell me to fuck off.
"This isn't real. You've had time to think and practice it all. What you said in Italy, you had no time to think or prepare. That was how you really felt."
"Yes." If I deny it she won't believe me. I need to own up to it. I cup her cheek, and her head tilts ever so slightly into my hand. It's working. She wants me back, even if she doesn't realize it yet. "I was surprised. Shocked. You told me you were on the pill. We were supposed to be safe."
"I didn't want to get pregnant." Her voice hitches up an octave or two. "This isn't the direction I saw my life going in. When I first found out, I wanted to die, because I knew you wouldn't want it, or me anymore."
The ache in my heart changes. It's sharp and slicing, and just increased tenfold.
She wanted to die. Because of me.
Nothing she's ever said or done is as painful as that one statement. I don't know how she does it, but I'm mad as hell and completely devastated at the same time. All my strength just melted away. I let the facade drop and allow my raw feelings to have free reign over me. I tilt her chin up forcing her to look at me.
"Don't, Ever. Say. That." My voice is deep, husky. Even though my eyes feel like watery puddles, I give her a pointed look. "No one is worth giving your life up for. Especially not me."
"Tell me about Luna."
I feel my lungs burn from the lack of air. I shake my head.
"Please."
"No. She has nothing to do with us, and I don't want to waste my time with you dwelling on her. Please I need you to just respect that."
"Cooper?" She looks away. "How am I supposed to give you another chance when you won't talk about what's really bothering you? You love her. That's why you have that tattoo."
I shake my head. "That's not why I got it. It's more to remember the things I did wrong. So I don't make the same mistakes, like the one I made with you in Italy. Please, Selene. Just let it drop."
She nods. "Cooper, it's yours. I swear. I haven't been with anyone since . . ."
I can't hold back anymore. I crush my mouth against hers because I don't know any other way to communicate how I feel. This is all I know. My tongue invades her mouth and my hands move up her sides, into her hair, down her back to her ass. After a few minutes of desperate kissing, I pull back, my heart thundering, breathless.
"I was scared. Really, really scared. Maybe this is what I needed to realize you're the only one for me," I whisper pulling her shirt off.
She shakes her head.
"Don't." I bring my hands around to the front of her waistband. "Don't shut me up. Don't shut me out."
I unbutton her jeans and slowly inch them down her long, beautiful legs, making sure my fingertips graze over her skin. I stand up and take my time admiring the beautiful woman in front of me. Her eyes are nervous, vulnerable. She makes no move to touch me. That's okay. This is going to be all about her.
Holding her tight I press my lips against her neck. She moans and squirms in my arms. Her hands rest on my shoulders, and I'm not sure if she's holding on or trying to push me away. I don't think she's fully decided yet.
One leg bends and rises up. Her knee is at my hip. I close my eyes sliding my hand over that leg and place it back on the ground. With my fingers tangled in her hair, I kiss her mouth once more before my hands crawl down her sides, my mouth follows suit, kissing, tasting every delicate inch of her, until my fingers hook into her panties.
I drop to my knees in front of her. Her scent invades my senses and makes me high. I look up checking once more to make sure she's okay and in the moment with me. Her open mouth and hooded eyes spur me on.
With her hips in my hands, my lips tease her lower abdomen. First I dot quick, gentle kisses around her belly button. Her fingers twine in my hair and pull. Finally. I'm on the right track. On the second go around I expand the surface area of my oral assault, opening my mouth and adding my tongue to lick and brush against her skin. Her breaths are coming faster, deeper.
"Cooper," she calls out in her "fuck me" voice. The voice my cock has been waiting to hear. Feeling my own need and desire bringing me to the edge, I nip at her gently from time to time, causing her to whimper.
With her panties still on, I reach between her legs and press my fingers slightly inside. Fuck she's wet. I want to tear these off, but I refrain. I need to hold back and make sure this is good for her.
"Cooper, please!"
I give in to her request and pull her panties down. I stop again and look back up at her. She's leaning her hands back on the counter, holding on, using it for support. Her heaving chest is calling out to me, but that's not the part of her body that needs my immediate attention.
"Do you like that baby?" I ask sliding my fingers over her wetness and plunging them inside her.
"Yes."
With our eyes locked, I pull my fingers out and bring them up to my mouth. I close my eyes as I suck on them, tasting her for the first time. "You taste so good." Again I slip my fingers inside her, thrusting them in and out a few times before I stand and bring them to her lips.
"Taste how sweet you are." I offer her my fingers. Holding my hand, she slides her magical tongue up and down, licking every inch of them.
I don't think I've ever been this hard. Or this turned on. Every time I up my game, she falls into step right beside me. My cock is throbbing with need. Her body is covered with a thin sheen of sweat and mine is building one up, too. As much as I want to revel in her and prolong the experience, I need more. I need all of her. I lift Selene onto the edge of the counter.
"Yes, Cooper. Fuck me." It's a plea, and I'm not ready to put her out of her misery.
"No, baby. Not yet."
I push her legs apart and bring my mouth to the apex of her thighs. My tongue slips between her folds and circles around her clitoris. She's intoxicating. Why haven't I done this before?
She tries to pull back, away, but I don't let her. I keep my mouth where it is and kiss her with every ounce of passion I feel for her. I rub my fingers around her opening. She's moaning and squirming, I know she's close.
I let my fingers plunge inside her and pump them in and out, fast and hard. Her clit hardens even further beneath my tongue, her whole body stiffens. I know she's there. I don't let up. I move faster, harder, very gently taking her clit between my teeth as she cries out through her orgasm.
Once she calms, I get to my feet and pull her head against me. I hold her, and kiss her, hoping she can feel all the things I wish I could say. Who needs words and cliché phrases when we have this?
"You asked me once when we were having sex why I didn't want you to touch me. It's the same reason I've never done that before. I've had intimacy issues." I smoothe her hair. "Not with you. Not anymore. The way we made love in Italy. I don't ever not want to feel your hands all over me."
After a long silence of holding each other close, she finally speaks. "I don't trust you to stay."
I nod. "I wouldn't either. But you didn't trust me at all, and here we are. Still together."
"Are we?"
"Unless you've moved on." I hold my breath.
Selene pushes out of my arms and rushes to put her clothes back on. A sick feeling gathers in the bottom of my stomach. Sh
e doesn't have to say it. There's someone else. Mat-fucking-teo. I want to die.
"Does he love you the way I do?"
She shakes her head. "No. And I don't love him."
My head is spinning. "Then why?" This can't be happening.
"He's offered up an arrangement."
"What fucking arrangement?" I'm wishing I did punch him in his smug face. That's why he left the way he did, he thought he had the upper hand.
"It's the same arrangement my parents have."
"You never mentioned this."
She shrugs. "It never came up, and it wasn't what I wanted. Not from you."
"Tell me." I order.
"We'll live together so we split the cost of daily living. It'll help us both, but we won't get married. That way I'll be eligible for food-stamps and free medical, but he'll help me with the baby. His name will go on the birth certificate. He'll be the father for all intents and purposes."
"You said I'm the father."
"And you said you didn't want it."
"Is he willing to offer you love and marriage?" Why am I asking? Okay, so I'm just starting to believe in love, but marriage? No way.
"Are you?"
"Answer the question."
"It doesn't matter. I don't feel that way about him."
Thank fucking goodness.
"And how do you feel about me?"
"Confused."
I nod and close in on her. Confused is better than nothing. I take her by the shoulders forcing her to look at me. "You didn't seem confused five minutes ago when you were cumming in my mouth."
She looks away. Oh no. I'm not letting her off the hook.
"You look me in the eye and tell me you're confused. That you're not sure how you feel about me. Better yet, you look me in the eye and tell me you feel more for Mateo than you do for me."
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because you're forgetting one thing. At some point in this partnership, he's going to want more."
"If things do progress there then they do. Besides it's not like either of us will need "more". We'll always have the option to be with whoever we want. It's an open relationship."
"Open?" I pinch the bridge of my nose trying to ward off the headache that's screaming for attention in the back of my head. "What does that mean?"
"It means discretely we see who ever we want. As long as it stays outside of the house. But for all the social purposes, we are a family and we are home with each other every night."
I run my hand through my hair. "No. Fucking. Way!" I explode. "That's the most fucked up load of garbage I've ever heard."
"Why are you so upset?"
"Everything you just said tells me you’re making rash emotional decisions, which isn't a good thing ever but especially not when your hormones are out of whack."
"There's nothing "rash" about it. And it's how I grew up. My father didn't want me either."
"Do you hear what you’re saying? This isn't what you want." My pulse is racing so fast I'm starting to feel light headed. She's not doing this. It's not up for discussion. "I'm not your father, and I thought you wanted better for your kid."
She shakes her head. "No. It isn't what I want. But I don't really have a choice. You don't want it, and you left me."
"I made a fucking mistake! I'm here to rectify it." I answer in a harsh tone. "But I'll tell you one thing for sure. That prick is not the one you're going to wake up to in the morning. He's not going to read my baby bed time stories. And he can't possibly love you as much as I do."
Her eyes well up with tears. Finally a chink in that stone armor of hers.
"I made a mistake." I say much calmer now that I see I'm getting through to her. "A terrible, horrible mistake. I said things out of anger." I brush my thumb across her cheek. "I acted like a world class dick. Please, Selene. Let me make this right."
Her bottom lip trembles as she struggles to hold her tears back. "How?"
"Like this." I pull Selene into my arms and kiss her. She doesn't put up any resistance. Good. After a few seconds she relaxes and kisses me back. I know I need to do more, offer her more than a physical relationship. That's why I'm here. Because without her, my life is bleak. Empty. I'm not willing to give her up. Even if that means I have to be a father. Even if it means my life is going in a direction I never wanted it to. "Come home with me."
"For tonight?"
"For forever."
Chapter 18
The next three weeks pass in a blur. Selene's trying to take on extra shifts so she could make as much money as she can before she has to stop flying. Her flat belly has taken on a slight roundness that only shows when she's undressed, but it's only a matter of time. A matter of time before just a quick look at her will tell the world she's carrying a baby inside her. That's when I become the sole supporter for our growing family.
"Are you going to propose?" Noah asks packing the last box in the truck we rented to move Selene into my apartment.
"No fucking way. I'm not that stupid."
He drops the box down and stares at me. Shit I hope there's nothing too fragile in it.
"What?"
He shakes his head. "What the fuck is wrong with you? If that was your sister, I'd be on my knees asking her to marry me in the blink of an eye."
"If that was my sister, you wouldn't be able to get on your knees, because I'd break your fucking legs."
"You know what I mean, Cooper. If you love her, do the right thing."
"I do love her, shit-for-brains, and this is the right thing. For now. Let's see what happens. She wasn't going to marry that other fucker."
"She wasn't in love with the other fucker."
"I don't tell you what to do where Lexi's concerned, so don't stand here and lecture me."
"Actually you do tell me what to do where Lexi's concerned. In fact, you've sort of overrun our relationship."
I glare at him.
"But it's okay because we both love you. But unlike Lexi, Selene doesn't have a crazy-ass overprotective brother to keep you in line."
"So what? You applying for the job?"
"Maybe," he raises his brow. "It would be nice to pay you back for all the shit you caused between Lexi and me."
"Don't go there," I warn.
"Hey," Troy bangs on the side of the truck as he turns the corner, and peeks in. "Enough bullshitting, get back to work."
"Your just jealous because we're doing all the heavy lifting, acting like men, while you're stuck in there with the girls reaching for the shit on the high shelves." I needle him.
"Yeah, what can I say, that's what happens when you bronze your junk like a trophy. Oh, wait, I think that's what you'll be doing in a few months, won't you, Cooper?"
"Fuck you."
"Then we can stand side by side admiring the lives we used to have."
I know Troy is just giving me shit. He's been waiting a long time to make me eat my words. Not just about this, but about relationships and settling down with one person. All I have to say is this shit sucks.
*
In the beginning, I enjoy living with Selene. I don't have as much alone time as I'm used to when she has a few days off, but I like being with her. It's nice to come home to the smell of her home cooking. And the never ending supply of freshly baked cookies and muffins is incredible. I had no idea she was so skilled in the kitchen. Those skills are rivaled only by her skills in the bedroom. One more place she works hard to keep me happy.
I try to keep focus on these things rather than the fact that I feel trapped by this alien thing inside her. Trapped doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I've had to make concession after concession. Having her move in with me, giving up my freedom to come and go as I please with no one to answer to, is just the tip of the iceberg. With the added responsibility of a family, I have to make big changes in my professional life.
First and foremost, I need a more reliable source of income. Modeling pays well, but it turns out that Kaycee did get a movie d
eal for the Jaxson Stone series, and the director wants to go with someone he's worked with before. What that translates into for me is less work.
She brings me to conventions with her and pays well for my time, but with a new face for Jaxson Stone, that will mean new covers, and no need for me. Without the regular work from her, I can't afford the lifestyle I'm accustomed to, let alone keeping the three of us in this lifestyle.
I don't know if it was my father's guilt, or if the planets aligned perfectly for me. But I didn't even have to think about how I would support us, it just fell right into my lap. Not only did I not know that my father led an "alternative lifestyle" I had no idea he gave up his monkey suit for show biz. Sort of. He's a hot shot producer. He and his new husband pitched a cooking reality show to one of the major networks and they picked it up.
My father expects Anything Goes to be a huge success. Mostly because his flamboyant husband Stephan will be the head judge. But he asked me to work for him, setting up interviews and meetings with prospective contestants. That means not only researching and screening them before they're selected, but doing it all on camera and hosting the show as well. Like the modeling gigs, it's not what I set out for, but it has potential to grow into something big.
"Will you be meeting me at the doctor's today?" Selene asks as I clean my breakfast dish off and place it in the dishwasher.
"I don't know, I'll do my best."
"You say that every month, and you've only made it to one appointment."
A long sigh escapes me. Not this bullshit again. I'm accepting responsibility for the kid, she's living with me, what more does she fucking want?
"I'm sorry, but someone has to work."
"You've had the date and time on your calendar for a month. Are you going to tell me you couldn't figure out another time to do whatever the hell it is you'll be doing?"
"I didn't say I won't be there."
"Yeah, you pretty much did. Don't you think I can read between the lines by now?"
No. No I really fucking don't or else she wouldn't have put us in this situation to begin with.
"Now that you're not working anymore it's that much more important that I find a way to pay for the bills. You're disability is going to run out eventually, and then what? How are we supposed to pay for the kid to eat? It can live off of your tits for only so long before it sucks you dry."
Man Up Playboy Page 13
