Man Up Playboy

by Danielle Sibarium

  I take hold of her wrists and throw them off me. "You little, lying slut. Don't ever touch me again."

  I turn my back on her and I hear the tears start.

  "I'm so sorry, Cooper. You don't understand." I turn and find her wringing her hands. "When you invited me to dinner with you and your dad, I got nervous because why do you want me to meet your father? Men make me nervous. Then I started really considering it. I was in the shower and I planned on calling you and telling you I wanted to come. I never heard him come in."

  My stomach turns. Nausea roils in my belly, and rises into my mouth.

  "He sat there on the toilet bowl drinking his beer. He was shit faced, and I didn't know what he wanted or what he would do."

  She stops and looks down again. When she meets my eyes, she looks sad and broken. A small part of me wants to reach out and hold her. But I remind myself that she left with Dex, and I can't stomach the thought of touching her.

  "He took the towels and my clothes. I stood there forever, begging him to leave or to give me something to cover myself with, but he wouldn't. He said he wanted to preview what he'd be sampling later."

  She's all out crying, deep heavy sobs, and I want to go and stick a knife in Les' heart. Luna turns from me and drops onto my bed, hiding her face in my pillow. I want to hold her, tell her it's okay, but it's not, because she turned to Dex and not me. If she called, I would've been there. She has to know that. But she chose to turn to him instead.

  "Did he touch you?" I ask afraid to hear the answer.

  "Les? He wouldn't get out. I called my mother, but she'd gone to the store. I was alone with him. Les approached the tub. All I had between us, the only thing covering me, was the flimsy curtain. He pulled it open and looked me over. I felt dirty and cheap. I just wanted to get away from him, so I gave in and stepped out of the tub." She screws her eyes up, and let's out a cry that breaks my heart. I can't imagine how scared she was. "He grabbed my breast as I walked by and squeezed it hard. I yelled for him to get off me and pushed his hand away. He liked it, his eyes fucking sparkled. Then he slapped me on the ass, and said he couldn't wait for later.

  "That's why you didn't go home?"

  She nods.

  "I would've helped you."

  "I didn't mean for it to happen, Cooper. I was scared and Dex was there. I know him. He was warm and safe. He held me."

  "I don't need the fucking details."

  "Yes you do. It was fine, we were just two friends. I could talk to Dex. He knows Les and how much I hate him. Then he gave me something to relax, and the thing is, I just didn't expect . . ."

  "You didn't expect?" I can't hear anymore, I explode. "How could you not? Yes he felt safe. You were in love with him. Maybe you still are."

  She cries harder.

  "I'm sorry, Cooper. Please give me another chance. I'm scared to go home. I don't know what to do."

  "Is he done with you now? Is that the reason you came back to me? If you called me last night. I would have been glad to help you. There isn't one single thing I wouldn't have done for you, including knock the son of a bitch off. But you didn't call me. You didn't even think of me. Instead you went to Dex. Since he knows you so well and he knows how to help you, go back to him."

  She wipes the tears with the back of her hands before she heads to the door and walks out. It fucking kills me, but I let her go.

  Chapter 24

  I don't see Luna for three days. She doesn't show her face in school, which just encourages the whispers behind my back that much more. During that time I hear plenty of shit as I walk down the halls. I assume the gossip mill is going at full strength because she cheated on me so publicly. Losers have nothing better to talk about.

  At first, I don't recognize the Goth girl standing across from my locker staring at me. She's dressed all in black, from head to toe, and she cut her hair. No, cut is too nice a word. She looks like she used a hatchet to chop it off. The length is gone, except for on the right side in the front. That piece is still long, and she's using it to hide behind. The rest of it is short, uneven, and I don't know, spiked?

  My heart thuds and skitters as I look into the familiar violet/ blue eyes. They're cold, emotionless. What happened to her? I wonder if she's in as much pain as I am. I haven't slept since I found out she cheated. All I do is mope around at home and fight with my mother and sister.

  Beneath her left eye something catches my attention. What the hell is on her face? The three blue teardrops stand out. Is that? No, she wouldn't tattoo her face, not permanently would she?

  I can't believe this is the same girl I gave my heart to. The one that less than a week ago I'd stay up talking to all night long. The amazing girl I couldn't get enough of, that could make even the most boring literature assignment come to life with fun and laughter. The one I cherished and thought was my soulmate. This can't be the same girl whose body would meld into my embrace as we sat on her roof top making out and staring at the stars, the same girl who visited my dreams each night. But it is her.

  We stand frozen, neither of us speaking.

  I cross the hall and stand in front of her.

  "What did you do?" I ask looking her up and down. Now that I'm standing closer, I see that her skin is pink and bruised around the teardrops.

  "They're for you. So you know that I'll always regret what I did. I'll cry over you until the day I die."

  A tiny part of me wants to take her in my arms and kiss the pain away, but the bitter taste of betrayal lingering in my mouth is too strong. I can't get past it.

  "Stop with the bullshit."

  Her eyes drop down. At first I think it's because of what I said to her, but as she brings her wrist into view, I realize she's trying to show me something. Fear seizes me. What can she want me to see on her wrist? If she tried to kill herself, I don't know what I'll do. This shouldn't be the first thought that pops into my head, but it is.

  My eyes look down, and I see another tattoo. This one is a single word written in dark, black script. Cooper. My heart races. I want to throw up. I don't know what the hell I'm feeling right now, anger, sadness, regret.

  "I did this to show them they can take what they want from my body, but my heart will always belong to you."

  She wipes a tear, a real tear from her eye.

  Why does this hurt so much? She made the decision to go to the party. She chose to cheat. I should hate her, so why is love still the strongest thing I feel for Luna?

  *

  Friday night Noah drags me to the batting cages with him. I'm not really up to being around people, but he's not asking a million questions about Luna. And the idea of smacking something as hard as I can with a baseball bat has appeal.

  Since Luna showed up to school with the tattoos it's only made the gossip worse. Now everyone assumes I hurt her. They've decided that's why she was so upset at the party. I'm the reason she sought comfort in her ex's arms, because I chose someone else over her. I don't bother clarifying. These ass wipes just aren't worth my time or energy.

  It's good to get out. I hate to admit it, but I'm feeling a little better, and I think I'm ready to talk to Luna. Really talk, see if we can somehow get past this. I don't know if it's possible, but I'm not ready to rule it out completely either, because as much as I don't want to be, I'm still crazy in love with her.

  I walk in the house with a smile for the first time all week, only to be surprised by the hard slap of my mother's hand across my face. My skin stings not only from the contact to my cheek, but from her nails dragging across and scratching my skin.

  My hand covers the spot she hit. "What the fuck was that for?"

  "Don't you dare talk to me like that!" She slaps the back of my head. "I thought I raised you to be better than this."

  I hold my arms up defending my face in case she decides to get another strike in.

  "Mom, stop!" I shout, still clueless about what brought on this onslaught.

  "I can't believe you'd knock that girl up and the
n break her heart."

  "What!? I don't know what you're talking about."

  "Don't play dumb with me. She was here. She told me everything."

  "Who Luna?"

  "Who else is there? How many girls are you having sex with?"

  "No one. Just her. I mean it only happened once."

  "Once is all it takes. I thought you knew better Cooper."

  "I did. I mean I do. I mean how can she be pregnant?"

  My mother doesn't answer me. She just looks at me like she doesn't believe a word I'm saying.

  "How would she even know she's pregnant?"

  "She brought the positive test."

  My heart sinks. It doesn't matter what I say. My mother doesn't believe me, and any hope of a reconciliation with Luna is destroyed. I try to wrap my mind around what's going on. Luna's pregnant? And she's claiming it's mine? It can't be. It's only a week since we had sex, and I used a condom. It doesn't make sense. Why would she do this?

  I already know the answer. It's Dex's. She must have known she was pregnant when we had sex, that a part of him was growing and multiplying inside her. Maybe that's the reason she had sex with me to begin with, so she can turn around and pin it on me. She doesn't love me, can't possibly if this is what she's doing. I drop into a chair in the kitchen and with my elbows on the table, I slump down and rest my head in my hands.

  "I'm not surprised that you got her in trouble, you always were impulsive and irresponsible. But I thought you cared about her."

  I shake my head. It doesn't matter what I say right now, I know my mother, she made up her mind. There's no way I can change it.

  "I thought I raised you to be a better man than your father. Is this the legacy you want to leave behind? Love 'em and leave 'em?"

  "Did she tell you how far along she is?"

  "Eight weeks."

  I nod, holding back the tears of fury burning the corners of my eyes.

  "It's not mine. It can't be mine."

  "It doesn't matter. I gave her money to take care of it."

  "What?" I jump out of my seat. I understand now. That's what Luna was after, money. And my mother handed it right over to her."

  "How much did you give her?"

  "A couple of hundred. And by the way I expect you to pay back every penny."

  "How could you? Have you heard one word I said? She's probably not even pregnant, and if she is it's not mine, but you didn't even stop to ask me. You just gave her exactly what she came for."

  "If you'd answer her calls, you could've handled this and kept me out of it."

  "I didn't come to you. I didn't ask for your help. Next time, do me a favor, stay out of it!"

  "You ungrateful shit. I have a better idea. Next time keep it in your pants." She smacks me across the head again.

  *

  I call Luna, but as I expected, she doesn't answer. I don't hang up. I wait and leave a message on her voicemail.

  "You're a slut and a liar. You used me. I'm so dumb to think I meant something to you. I see it now, it was always about money. I can't believe I let you play me like this. I loved you. There isn't anything I wouldn't have done for you. But you know how I feel now? I hate you Luna. I fucking hate you!"

  I don't bother saying anything else. It doesn't matter. She's probably laughing her ass off at me with Dex, I fucking hate them both. I pound my pillow, wishing it was Dex's head. Maybe I should go to his house and fuck him up. Frustrated I fling the pillow across the room to find a sealed envelope left underneath it.

  I turn it over in my trembling hands. I have no doubt it's from Luna. I swallow down the lump in the back of my throat. The envelope taunts me. I don't want to open it, but I can't bring myself to tear it to pieces either. I put it in my sock drawer so I don't have to see it. The door to my room bursts open. My sister looks scared, nervous as her eyes dart from side to side in the hall before she comes in and quietly closes the door behind her.

  "What, Alexis?" I snap.

  "Are you okay?" She moves toward my bed tentatively and keeps her voice down. "Mom's been flipping out."

  I close my eyes and rub my forehead. Why can't they just leave me alone to deal with this shit? I look at my sister nibbling her bottom lip, and I know she needs reassurance. "Sorry. She's pissed at me."

  "I know. I just, I've never seen her so angry with you. I want to make sure you're okay."

  I sigh, knowing I have to keep it together for my sister. "Yeah, I'm fine."

  "I don't believe you," she says getting off the bed and stepping toward me. "I thought you might need a hug." She wraps her arms around me. "And, Cooper. If you think it will help, I'll do something bad so she lays off you."

  "No, Alexis. Don't get yourself in trouble. I'll be fine, really." I flip her hair from behind her head over her face. "The hug really helped. But until things blow over, I want you to steer clear of her. Okay? I need some time, and I don't need to worry about you too, right now."

  "Okay. If you want to talk, I'll be in my room."

  "Thanks." I smile, and I feel a smidgeon better.

  Once Alexis leaves, I hop onto my computer and shoot up brain-eating zombies online. I play the stupid game, killing everything in my path until three o'clock in the morning. My eyes are heavy and want to close. I climb into bed hoping to drift off into a dreamless sleep, but sleep eludes me. I lie here for hours, thinking of Luna and the letter in my drawer. What the hell could she have to say? And why leave a letter instead of returning my phone call?

  At six A.M. I flip the lights on and pull the envelope out.

  Dear Cooper,

  I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day for everything I've done. I never wanted to hurt you. I really do love you, but sometimes life isn't fair. I'm sure you know that I'm pregnant. I just found out, and you have no idea how I wish the baby was yours. Maybe then we could work through everything and run off together. But as fate would have it, Dex is the father. I swear I didn't know.

  I'm sure you're tired of hearing apologies from me. I'm sorry about that, too. But I promise this will be the last one.

  I put the letter down. Not sure I can read anymore. She really is pregnant. Thinking that every time I kissed her or touched her a part of him was there between us, seems to nullify every beautiful moment between us. I want to scream. Now more than ever I want to shred the letter, but I can't. I need to see what more she has to say.

  He raped me Cooper. He came into my room while I was sleeping, covered my mouth so I couldn't scream, and raped me. Of course he said it was my punishment for staying out all night and worrying him, but I've know it was just a matter of time. I knew when I'd wake in the middle of the night and find him standing in the doorway staring at me that things would escalate.

  I wish I told you. I thought you'd force me to tell someone, and the thing is, he always talked about what a slut I am and how loose I am with my body, even though I've only had sex with you and Dex. And now him. I didn't think anyone would believe me. Everyone thinks he's this great guy for taking me and my mother in. No one knows what an ugly piece of shit he really is. God, I want to die.

  Tears stream down my face. I'm going to fucking kill that mother fucker. He hurt her. And it's my fault. My body shakes as I feel a rage unlike anything I've ever felt shoot through my veins. Even though I was mad, I knew what was going on. She told me what he did to her in the shower. Instead of listening or trying to help, I sent her away. Alone. I let my hurt feelings get in the way of doing what's right. I pick up the letter and read some more.

  I can't live like this, worrying about what he's going to do to me next. Already it's happened three times. And each time he gets more violent. He's gagged me and tied me up so I can't fight him. I told my mother. When she confronted him, he beat her senseless, and he threatened to do the same to me if I ever told anyone else. I'm so scared. I thought she was going to die and he wouldn't let me call an ambulance. I can't knowingly bring a baby into a life like this. Not when I know what the ev
il that lurks in the shadows looks like.

  I'm broken. Fucking destroyed.

  I know Dex's dealer. I'm taking the money your mother gave me and going to see him.

  I'm a chicken, Cooper. I’m too scared to do this any other way. I don't want to feel pain when it happens. Just sleep. They'll all think it was an accident. Only you'll know the truth. You're the only one I can trust. The only one that really loves me. I hope someday you'll believe I love you, too.

  For now, just know I'm happy meeting my maker knowing I'm your first love, your only love. At least there is one thing in my life I did right.

  I hope we'll meet again someday.

  I'll love you always.

  Luna

  I can't swallow. I can't breathe. I need to find her, stop her. Fuck my pride. She needs me. Guilt floods my mind and seeps into my heart. I turned her away. I fucking turned her away and now she's going to kill herself. I leap up and throw some clothes on.

  This is my fault. I call her again, and again I get her voicemail. I beg Luna to call me. Without saying a word to my mother or sister, I sneak out and run all the way to her house. I stop fifty feet away staring at the two cop cars in her driveway.

  My heart slams hard against my chest and the world is growing black around me. I drop to my knees, gasping for air. Either she succeeded and they're here to inform the family, or she's in serious condition in the hospital.

  Either way I failed her. Me. I shut her out when she needed me most. I couldn't even bother reading the letter when I first saw it. Then maybe I would've had a chance to save her life. I don't bother going any further. No one is going to give me any information. I need to wait it out. But in my heart, I feel the void. In my heart, I know Luna is gone.

  Chapter 25

  "Son," My father clears his throat, "Why didn't you call me? I would've been there to help you through this. You needed support and guidance. This isn't something a teenage boy is equipped to deal with."