Holt's Holding

by a dagmara

Burying my head into the pillow, I didn’t have the strength to move let alone talk. I felt him shift off the bed.

  Fuck, I was sore and fully unhinged.

  Shaking my head…I didn’t understand, how I got here…how I was in his bed, let alone, what just happened. My mind turned back to last night, and the anxiety followed…visions of blood…Brady…oh shit. My breathing increased. I felt like I was suffocating. Unable to move, I was panicking, my heart racing erratically…Sebastian lifted me up off the bed and into his arms. I couldn’t breathe…Sam!…I rasped, and the tears burned in my eyes.

  “Breathe Lillian!” He commanded “Breathe!”

  I shook, and my body trembled.

  “Sam’s ok…she pulled through…now breathe Lillian!” His voice was controlled yet demanding.

  I felt him carry me up into his arms. Before I knew it, I felt the warmth of the water cascade all around me. Finally, I sucked in a deep breath my lungs burned.

  “That a girl…slow deep breathes.”

  Slowly, he allowed my feet to touch the floor of the shower, but still held me to him. Tenderly he kissed my head running his hands thru my hair.

  “She’s fine…the bullet went through her side…she’s ok, and the doctors assured me that there was no damage to her Lillian. Your friend has been at her side all night and day.”

  “Day?” I looked up into his eyes through a blurred vision of mine. The tears burned in my eyes, threatening to take control of me.

  “Yes Lillian…its 5 in the evening…you slept all day. I was afraid to leave you, so I stayed with you in bed, making sure you were ok.”

  “All day?” the question was more for me then him.

  “I sensed you just needed sleep, as you were talking the entire time.”

  Oh, shit…that’s right, I talk in my sleep.

  “Lillian?”

  “Yes?” I looked up to him.

  “What happened to you?” His expression was of concern and his eyes held a tenderness that I wasn’t expecting.

  “I don’t understand your question?” I whispered.

  “You have all the signs of PTDS…” he paused looking down to me. “Who’s Ally?”

  This line of questioning was too personal, and not something, I wanted to discuss with him. The defensive need to find all control came at me like a ton of bricks. How did I let my guards down? Reprising myself discipline, I reigned in my famous control. Walls, erected once more.

  “Nothing happened to me Sebastian.” My voice, stern and cold.

  “Lillian, please talk to me?”

  “I don’t know you Sebastian, and this is not your concern; what did or did not happen to me, is not any of your business, nor do I wish to discuss it with someone I don’t plan on seeing again.”

  He slighted his head to the side and his eyes looked tenderly down at me.

  The look on his face looked disappointed, but almost understanding. Nope, not going there, the walls flew up again. Damn, I had to battle myself to keep them up. I didn’t know him and the idea of discussing my demons with him was not an option.

  “Sebastian, honestly, I was just another conquest for you, I highly doubt that there would be much more to this.” I offered coolly and stern moving my body out from his hold.

  Looking down to the floor of the shower, I knew he understood my words…even more I understood them.

  I was indeed a conquest and nothing more. I backed up and turned from him.

  “Lillian don’t go”, he sighed. A moment of hesitation, I paused to the plea. No, can’t do this. He’s going to hurt me. I know his type and I know his motives, regardless of what his eyes say, he is cold and calculating. This is a game to him, one that I entered into. A game I’m not willing to lose myself to.

  “I don’t want to play this game…I’m tired Sebastian and see no need in it!” I gritted out in anger.

  I stepped from the shower and grabbed the towel. Not bothering to turn, I knew he followed me out.

  “You’re not a conquest Lillian…you are more,” he offered.

  “More…ugh” I smirked, who the fuck did he think he was toying with? I’m not some dumb ho. I know all too well the type of game he was playing and I wasn’t about to let one brick of my wall crumble. “But aren’t we all just another conquest to validate control…was that not what you had done earlier, and last night…exert your control over me?” I laughed and walked from the enormous bathroom.

  Looking around the room, I didn’t know where my clothes were.

  I turned back to him and his eyes were so somber, as if the words registered. He looked to me with recognition. A recognition that almost froze me. Oh shit, he looked at me with a strange recognition, this wasn’t good. He bit his bottom lip, looking to me in a way I could only describe as acknowledgment.

  He walked towards me, and swiftly positioned his hand at the nape of my neck forcing me to his stare. I knew I was in trouble. Fuck, over my head completely with this one.

  He leaned down cautiously, and paused…I knew he was about to kiss me, and I turned my head and his lips landed on my cheek.

  Feeling his breath on me, he whispered, “Who broke you? Who hurt you that you’re this guarded?”

  Releasing a sigh, I shocked myself. “A man like yourself…but he didn’t break me Sebastian…That’s where you’re mistaken!” Visions of Lucian circled my mind again. Fuck, this was the second time with in the past day and a half that he surfaced in my head. My demon, my past. I need to free myself and quickly.

  He moved and looked cautiously down at me.

  “He will never break me Sebastian…No man ever will. You can take what you want of me and from me but you will never have me…that is was he taught me.” Lucian was the hardest lesson in life that I was taught. Looking to Sebastian, he partly reminded me of my demon, my Lucian.

  “What does that leave you with Lillian? What about love? Do you want that in your life? Will you keep yourself that guarded?” Yeah, absolutely! If he only knew the truth. Love was a weakness that I was not about to let take me. I had plans and love was not part of it. Not with Sebastian Vaihn or any man!

  “I had love, enough to hold on too for an eternity…”

  Ally suddenly appeared in my mind…she was my heart and I would not fail her or me.

  “I feel for you Lillian…the best part of life is Love!” Sorrow and pity laced his expression. Two things I don’t ever wallow in. Hell no. I made choice, and with those choices came responsibility.

  “Don’t” I offered in a clipped tone. “…I certainly don’t feel sorry for myself…I like who I am Sebastian, most can’t honestly say that, and I doubt you could truly say it!” I glared at him seeing the man whom stood before me. The façade wasn’t lost on me. I knew who Sebastian Vaihn was and I wasn’t about to let him break my resolve.

  “Perhaps you are right, but Lillian, at least I allow myself to feel. You on the other hand, do not. That is why you won’t allow a man to kiss you…you fear it.” He paused pulling me to him. “You fear it because it may cause you to finally feel something”

  He leaned down, holding his lips so close to mine. I had to fight to keep my nerves in check.

  “I won’t kiss you Lillian…but I’m right”

  He moved away from me and let me go.

  “There’s a change of clothes on the chair for you. I guessed on the sizes hopefully they fit.” His voice was clipped and angry.

  “Thank you for the clothes.” I reigned in my frustration from this standoff. That’s exactly what it was, a standoff.

  He walked back to the bathroom, and I finally felt control over my body. Walking to the chair, I pulled out the jeans white blouse, and flip-flops. Hmm, no bra or under wear…I guess it didn’t matter.

  I dressed quickly, as he reentered the room. He went for the closet, and I knew he too would be dressing. I left the room, and entered the suite. This was the penthouse at the Hyatt in down town. The view gave it away. Sitting high above the harbor.

  I
walked to the window and stared out to the evening sun now setting.

  Sebastian’s arms swiftly came around me, as he leaned into me kissing my head. His arms around me teased the need, the longing I buried. The longing to allow myself to be held, to feel secure in that hold.

  “You were not a conquest Lillian…I want to know you…I want you to know me”, he paused “You are more than I suspected you could be to me…try for me, try to let go and give yourself a chance. Let me show you what you’re guarding yourself from…what you heart is missing.” He pleaded.

  “Why would you ask this of me…you don’t know me…you know nothing of me. I’m not worth the energy you would need to commit to me. You’re right, perhaps, I am broken…and I don’t need you to fix me. I could never be what you want me to be. I tried my hand at a relationship once, I brought him nothing but heart break Sebastian…to this day, I see it in his eyes…You don’t understand what you would be asking of me or what it will do to you.” All the lies and the past flooded me. He has no clue nor would he be ok with any of it. This was a game to him. If he for a moment understood the truth of who I was and what my past was, there would be no way he would want anything to do with me.

  “I want a chance Lillian…I want you to give yourself a chance. We would be perfect for each other…I sense it …don’t you? This is more than just an attraction and you know it.”

  “I need to go Sebastian, you don’t know me. Trust me, if you truly did, you would run.”

  “Please …just try,” he implored. His voice beseeching me. Geez. He just didn’t get it. Or perhaps he did.

  “Sebastian…don’t play games with me…I’ve already had the pleasure of understanding how you operate…you had me in your bed, let that be enough.”

  He released me, and I turned pausing just a moment looking up into his blue eyes as he offered me a crooked smile. I walked from him noticing my clutch and a bag with my clothes from last night. I reached down, picked up my belongings, and headed for the door.

  “Yes, I did have you in my bed”, His voice rang through me. “I intend on having you there again, and next time it will be because you belong there with me…I want you Lillian…all of you!”

  “That’s a nice dream Sebastian…I’m no ones to be had…You will never have all of me for my heart is buried in a grave where is will wait for me to join.” I opened the door and walked out from his suite.

  Down the hall, I waited patiently for the elevator. Blindly, I entered it, when the scent caught my attention…the cologne. One name hit my mind.

  Charlie!

  The elevator was empty, as it ushered me down to the lobby. Exiting, I walked thru and hailed a cab. I needed to get to the hospital. I need to check on Sam.

  The ride seemed longer than I thought my mind stuck on every word Sebastian spoke. I shook my head…He got me to open up more than I thought I would ever allow. However, Brady’s warning registered…Sebastian knew how to fuck with a woman’s mind. That’s precisely what he was doing…fucking with my mind.

  Broken…he said I was broken…I laughed to the thought. I was not broken…I was resolved in a purpose, a promise I made. Fucked up perhaps? Yes, I was fucked up, however, if anyone had my experiences to deal with, they would be broken, me, nope; I suppose I was built for this life. I had lived through so much already. Not broken, just a survivor in my opinion.

  Ally…I failed her once…now I wouldn’t make that mistake again. My resolve was firm and I will be damned if I failed her again.

  Chapter 8

  Finally, at University of Maryland Hospital…I made my way to Sam’s room. Inside her mother and Brady stood laughing and I could hear her complaining as the simple act caused her pain.

  I stopped at the edge of her bed. “How are you doing love?” I smiled down to her.

  “Drunk on pain killers Lil…and very good pain killer may I add!” she giggled, “oh shit, it hurts to laugh!”

  Relief flooded me…she was ok. Brady watched me intently and stood up quickly to embrace me. I shook the tremble cascade thru me and into him.

  “Lil…you look worse than me?” Sam’s voice sobered up.

  “I’m fine Sam…I’m so sorry…I would have been here sooner…I blacked out last night…I’m so sorry!” and the tears fell free down my face claiming Brady’s shirt.

  “It’s ok Lil… I got you.” Brady offered, “Lillian lost her family to a tragic accident. She doesn’t deal well with this sort of thing.” He offered to Sam. I was grateful for not having to explain.

  “Lil loves…see I’m ok…honest. Please don’t be upset…I’ll be ok…don’t you know nothing can keep me from our happy hours Lil.”

  I released a laugh, threw my tears…She was my best friend or female friend. I knew now, I cared for her and her friendship. More than I had previously thought. She was family to me. My best friend.

  “I’m sorry…I apparently hit my head pretty hard last night.” I offered trying to make light of my display.

  “Clearly!” Brady laughed along with me.

  I spent the next few hours with them until visiting hours had me leaving. Brady got special permission to stay with her. It was so clear to me…Brady was in love with her.

  I was happy for him. My two friends. They were perfect for one another.

  Walking from the hospital, I decided on walking the four blocks to my apartment.

  The cool September night was refreshing. The past forty-eight hours seemed to run through me…Charlie then Sebastian…back and forth between the two…all their words and even those that were unspoken…the ones that were just below the surface. I now saw they both wanted something from me…something, I knew was unattainable…the part that was me. But then again, I knew undoubtedly who they were, and their games. I knew them, because I was just the female version of them. I learned to be just like them. Their words meant nothing. They were just words. Jesus. Where was my life heading? Did I really want this? Suddenly my shoulders felt heavy and life caught up with me.

  Fuck, Lucian again flooded my head.

  When would I ever be free? His dark espresso hair and those brown eyes haunted my memory. It had only been seven months since he last reminded me of his dominance in my life. The thought of him had my shivering. He was the true fear in my life. I was so damn tired of the fear the followed his wake. I needed to free myself, one way or another. Suddenly, the gears started to turn. Walking home, my control reigned in sharply. I knew what, and how, I need to free myself. Did I have the courage to do it? Could I free myself from all that I worked for?

  I suspected that when I was to make it home that Charlie would not be there. Or I hoped.

  I rode the elevator up and walked to the front door. Unlocking and pushing the door open the apartments was dark and still.

  I shut the door behind me and walked with my bag to my room. Opting to change out of the clothes Sebastian had purchased I pulled on an oversized off the shoulder shirt and yoga pants. I pulled my hair up and walked to the kitchen finding myself a glass and pouring the red wine full.

  Keeping the lights off, I reached for the remote to the IPod still in the dock of the Bose and hit play.

  Wine in hand, I walked to the large windows and allowed my thoughts to flow.

  The song spoke my thoughts… “Dangerous power.” by Gabriel & Dresden.

  I stood there for what seemed like hours watching the city below.

  Something needed to change. I no longer had a taste for this game I had been playing. Ally’s memory, and her words a constant. Flooded me. Yes, something needed to change. I couldn’t and would not play Sebastian’s game…which meant I would be quitting my job come Monday…It was also time for me to move out of the city. I had planned to renew the lease, but now, I knew staying here wouldn’t help me. This was my wake up call. Sam, shot in front of me was too much.

  I knew now that my resolve was always one of protection…I needed to protect my heart…my Ally. I couldn’t continue on this path and do that. />
  Ignoring the roar of the door slamming into the wall. I heard the laughter of what was obviously a one nighter and Charlie…each hot for the other. I paid them no mind and didn’t move. Within a few minutes, the door slammed shut and they made their way into Julie’s room.

  After about thirty minutes, a satisfied Charlie quietly walked from the room closing the door as softly as he could. I still didn’t turn to him and focused out to the street below.

  He opened the fridge and the light brightened the room.

  I sensed that he finally spotted me. The close of the fridge door was slow. He walked over and stopped behind me knocking over the three bottle of wine I clearly went thru.

  “Shit Lillian…you drank all those?”

  I said nothing my eyes fixed and still pooling tears that I hadn’t realized were ever constantly flowing down my face.

  Knowing he was standing next to me, I was still startled when he touched me and trembled.

  “Lillian…are you ok?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “Are you mad at me for the other night?”

  “No” I whispered.

  I heard my phone buzz…I assumed it was Julie. I had texted her informing her that I would be moving out this week.

  Charlie picked up my phone and read the message.

  “You’re moving?”

  “Yes.” I replied staring out the window.

  “Please tell me that I didn’t cause this? Julie will have my balls.”

  I turned to him, “Why do men think the world revolves around them?”

  He sucked in a deep breath and placed his hand to my cheek…

  “You’ve been crying Lillian…what happened?”

  “My friend was shot Friday night…it was a wakeup call Charlie…one I was in need of.”

  “I’m so sorry Lillian” he tried to pull me to him.

  “Don’t Charlie” I placed my hand to his chest. Stepping slightly away from him.

  “Lillian…please let me be here for you.” He asked with such care.

  A woman’s voice called his name…he released a sigh and stepped back releasing any attempts to hold me.