Learning Curve

by Rachel Spangler

  Then there was the fact that she was wearing pajamas. She hadn’t worn pajamas since she’d gotten her own place, and the sweatpants and T-shirt seemed to bunch up with every move she made. The entire situation was unbearably constricting. For an expert in avoiding actually sleeping with someone else, being at close quarters with two other people made for an excruciatingly long night. Ash wanted to think discomfort was the only cause of her broken sleep, but the other reason was standing in front of her, cheeks slightly pink.

  “Well, I guess I’d better get back to the camp,” Carrie said.

  Ash intended to play it cool, but the right words wouldn’t come. “Why don’t you wait and we’ll walk back together.”

  As soon as she’d spoken, she felt foolish, as though this was high school and she’d just offered to carry a girl’s books. The expression on Carrie’s face was no help. Ash read uncertainty but also something else. Carrie bit her lower lip, as if she was trying to hold something in. Ash wondered if she would ever be able to read her the way she read other women. Most of the time she found Carrie utterly perplexing.

  “Okay,” Carrie said dryly. “But only if you’re planning to get dressed. I’m not sure how Tess would cope seeing you in your shorts.”

  Ash stared down at herself. “I’ll just be a second.”

  She quickly unzipped the duffel bag and pulled on a pair of jeans over the boxer shorts. Carrie hadn’t moved yet and Ash took that as a good sign. She pulled a worn gray sweatshirt over her head and slipped her feet back into her boots. With a quick glance in the mirror, she flattened down a strand of dark brown hair and was ready to go.

  Carrie gave her an amused look as they headed for the door. “That was quick.”

  Ash shrugged. “I’m pretty low maintenance.”

  “Why do I find that hard to believe?” Carrie asked softly.

  Ash had a feeling the question was meant for herself.

  *

  After a game of ultimate Frisbee that could only be described as a showcase for her fumbling and lack of concentration, Ash spent lunch trying to stay focused on the conversation going on around her. She sat intentionally at a different table from Carrie, with Michael and some of the kids. Carrie was with Mary and the other teens outside of the concession stand at the park. It took all of Ash’s will not to look at her constantly.

  She had messed up during the Frisbee game, and she knew it. She hadn’t been thinking. After playing like an idiot for an hour or so, she’d finally managed to catch a wayward pass from Carrie, to end the game. It had been so natural to swing her into a bear hug, Ash had completely forgotten that everyone was watching. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she’d wanted to kiss her like they were the only ones there, and almost did. Carrie had tensed up immediately and nothing actually happened, but still the event terrified Ash. She was good with women. Getting them into bed was effortless and she was always fully aware of what she was doing. Every move was practiced and controlled. But Carrie had shaken her usual composure, and that was exactly what Ash had sworn to avoid the night before. She had to stay in control of her feelings or someone would get hurt.

  “What about you, Ash?” Michael asked.

  “What?” Ash realized she’d zoned out again.

  “Are you going to hike or boat?”

  “Oh, I’m not sure. Is that what we’re doing this afternoon?”

  “Yeah, half of us are going to hike up to an overlook where you can see the whole state park, and the others are canoeing around the lake.”

  “I can do whatever you need,” Ash said, not really caring.

  “Well, Carrie and I are going on the hike, so you should probably boat.”

  “Why do you say that?” Ash asked quickly, afraid that Carrie didn’t want to be around her after the embarrassing moment during the Frisbee game.

  Michael raised an eyebrow. “Mary can’t be the only adult on the lake.”

  “Oh.” Ash felt embarrassed that she hadn’t come to that conclusion herself. “Sure. That’s fine.”

  She glanced across at Mary, who appeared to be getting ready to leave. Excusing herself, Ash stalked over to join her, convinced that everyone was staring. They went to the boat rental area and checked out two canoes and six life jackets. While Mary helped Annie into her little life jacket, Ash checked out the canoe she’d be paddling. The young park ranger helping them had followed her to the dock. Ash checked her name badge. Casey Hanson.

  “So, do you do a lot of canoeing?” Casey asked.

  “Not really. I haven’t been since I was a kid.” Ash put on the life jacket and started adjusting the straps.

  “You’ve got a beautiful day for it,” the ranger said, looking at Ash instead of the scenery.

  “Yeah.” Ash fastened the buckles and gave the straps one more tug.

  “Just be careful you don’t tip it. The water is only about forty-five or fifty degrees today.”

  “Well, I don’t plan on trying to drown myself out there.”

  “Good. There are better ways to get wet.” The ranger’s voice was slightly lower than before.

  Ash looked at her properly for the first time. Casey Hanson was about her height with sandy blond hair and light hazel eyes. Her body was deeply tanned underneath her forest green ranger uniform, and she had her sleeves rolled up, revealing tightly toned biceps.

  “I’d go with you if I didn’t have to work.” Casey reached out and gave a gentle tug on Ash’s jacket, transparently pretending to check that it was secure. Her fingers brushed gently against Ash’s side, lingering just long enough to be noticed.

  “Yeah, maybe some other time.” Ash smiled, her confidence bolstered by the attention she was used to getting. This was exactly the type of interaction she thrived on.

  “Well, I get off at six tonight. We could go then. I know some great little spots around here that you can only get to by boat. I’d love to show you.”

  “Trust me, you can’t take her anywhere she hasn’t already been.” Tess pushed between them onto the boat dock.

  Ash looked up, her jaw clenched at yet another interruption from the teenager. But Tess wasn’t alone. Carrie and Michelle stood just behind her. Ash’s heart sank at the look on Carrie’s face. How long had she been standing there? From her expression it had been long enough to realize what was going on.

  With a quick look in their direction, Casey said, “My offer’s good as long as you want.” Ash barely noticed her walk off. Her attention was focused solely on Carrie and the mix of hurt and embarrassment she saw in her beautiful blue eyes.

  “Tess and I decided to stay and canoe with you,” Michelle said. She sounded apologetic, obviously aware of the tension.

  “Sure.” Ash tried not to appear rattled. “Why don’t you put on some life jackets and climb in.”

  As the girls got themselves organized, Ash and Carrie were left staring at each other again. Ash struggled to think of something she could say or do to defuse the situation but, as usual, Carrie’s presence completely killed her self-confidence. The ability she always had to put women at ease vanished. The things she would normally say in a situation like this sounded phony and pathetic when she imagined saying them to Carrie. She hated feeling so exposed.

  “Well, have a good ride,” Carrie finally said.

  “Yeah.” Ash sighed. “Enjoy your hike.”

  “Thank you,” Carrie said tightly, and once more, Ash was just standing there, watching her walk away.

  Without thinking, she gave in to a reckless urge and called, “Carrie, wait.” She jogged a few steps to close the distance between them. “I’ve, uh…I’ve had a good time with you this weekend.”

  Carrie stopped walking. She seemed surprised by the comment.

  “I just didn’t want you to get the wrong impression about what you saw back there.” Ash explained awkwardly. “I wanted to make sure you knew that.”

  Carrie gave her a quizzical smile. “I’m glad.”

  Her features began to soften as As
h held her gaze. Her blue eyes reflected the sunlight in much the same way as the lake behind her, and her curls rustled slightly in the gentle breeze. Ash felt the familiar urge to touch her. At that moment she wanted more than anything to run her fingers through Carrie’s hair, but instead she repeated, “Have fun on the hike.”

  “Thanks.” Carrie walked away, leaving Ash feeling only slightly better than she had a moment ago.

  She turned back toward the dock where the girls were already getting into the canoe. Michelle took a seat in the middle and then offered a hand to Tess, but Tess positioned herself at the very front of the canoe, wobbling only slightly as she settled in. Ash shook her head at the teenager’s choice. Tess obviously thought she’d occupied the power position in the boat. This was going to be a long trip.

  Ash handed the last paddle to Michelle before lowering herself into the back of the canoe. She stretched her legs in front of her and realized she’d gotten a lot taller since the last time she’d paddled a canoe. She cast her mind back to childhood summers spent outdoors with friends. She’d never been big on canoeing, but she could appreciate the calming effect of the repetitive motions. Once she settled in she found a comfortable stroke that felt vaguely familiar to her. Relaxing her back against the tail of the vessel, she kept her elbows comfortable above the side of the hull.

  “Ready?” she asked, dipping her paddle into the water.

  “Sure,” Michelle responded, putting her paddle in the water. Tess didn’t respond verbally but did the same up front.

  Untying the back rope from the dock, Ash pushed off, and they paddled slowly away from the beach area until they were in open water.

  Lake Alliance was at least two or three miles around with a heavily wooded perimeter. An occasional breeze stirred the calm surface of the water, blurring the reflections of sky and brightly colored leaves. The air was chilly, perfect weather for jeans and sweatshirts, and the deep autumn nights had most likely dropped the water temperature significantly as well. It seemed as though summer had disappeared on them altogether now.

  Up ahead, Mary and a couple of boys paddled smoothly along the shoreline.

  “Where do you want to head?” Ash asked the girls. “We’ve got almost two hours, so we can explore a little.”

  “Why don’t we find some of those spots your new friend was talking about back there?” Tess suggested casually.

  Ash refused to take the bait. “What do you think, Michelle?”

  “I’m cool with whatever,” she answered with her usual, easygoing attitude.

  “Let’s head for the far side of the lake, then,” Ash said, dragging her paddle to rudder them in that direction.

  They paddled in silence for a while, each getting the hang of their strokes. Ash and Michelle established a rhythm quickly, taking five or six short easy strokes on one side before shifting to the other. Tess, on the other hand, fought the paddle up front, gripping it like a baseball bat and sinking it as low into the water as she could, thrusting it out at a diagonal angle. Ash smiled at her attempts to throw her whole body into the stroke and debated whether or not to let her continue.

  “Tess, if you put one hand on the top of your paddle and keep the other closer to the canoe it would be a lot easier,” she finally called up to her.

  “I can paddle a canoe,” the girl shot back.

  “It’s up to you,” Ash said with a shrug.

  A few more minutes passed, and Ash noticed that Tess was pulling her strokes in closer to the boat in gradual increments, trying not to make it obvious that she was taking Ash’s advice. By the time they were halfway across the lake, she had adopted a more comfortable position and Ash was beginning to relax into the repetitive movements. The day was absolutely beautiful. The fall temperatures hovered in the low sixties with a gentle breeze and not a cloud in the sky. While she had never been very big on the great outdoors, Ash had to admit that there was something appealing about the serenity of their surroundings.

  Then again, maybe she’d gotten ahead of herself. Despite her even stroke, the canoe was drifting off course. Ash fishtailed her paddle in a J-shape away from the canoe slightly at the end of each stroke to hold them on track. As the canoe began to head back toward the opposite shoreline, Tess dug in more with her paddle on the right side of the canoe and Ash realized the girl was attempting to control the direction they were headed. She scanned the trees and rocks along the shoreline and couldn’t see anything or anyone of significance, but still Tess kept pulling them hard in that direction, so Ash decided to let her go with it and paddled along with her. Tess promptly settled her paddle on the other side of the canoe and began turning them away.

  It dawned on Ash that Tess wasn’t interested in getting to a specific place on the lake, she was simply trying to figure out how she could control the canoe. She played around with different paddle strokes, slowing them down, speeding them up, turning left, then right. Ash wasn’t sure why it mattered to her, but after a while she couldn’t resist using her own paddle to counteract Tess’s. When Tess pulled right, Ash went left just enough to keep them moving directly forward. Tess then switched left and Ash moved to the right, keeping them steadily on track. She had to fight a chuckle when Tess dug in powerfully to speed them up and she only had to give a slow, flat back stroke to slow them almost to a stop.

  At this point Michelle turned around and looked at Ash, finally aware of the power struggle taking place. Ash quietly raised an index finger to her lips, signaling for Michelle to remain quiet. Tess, on the other hand, was either oblivious or attempting to seem that way as she fought even harder to make the canoe bend to her will. Eventually Ash grew bored with the game and raised her effort level. Now she wasn’t just keeping the boat on track while Tess tried to pull them astray, she began actively steering them, using powerful draw stokes on either side of the canoe. She was in good physical condition, which made it hard for Tess to compete with her. The teen soon tired from her exertion and was only able to fight briefly before giving in. Slowly, she pulled her paddle all the way back into the boat and began to massage her bicep with her free hand.

  “What’s the matter?” Ash asked her sarcastically. “Need a break?”

  “No.” Tess pouted. “We’re almost to the other side. I thought we should stop.”

  “Oh.” Ash suppressed a grin.

  “We’ve been at this forever.” Tess sighed, pretending to be bored with the whole experience.

  “Yeah, I guess it is getting late. You want to pick up the pace a little on the way back?” Ash prodded.

  Tess turned around to look at her. When she did, the shift in weight sent them rocking.

  “Whoa.” Michelle grabbed the sides of the canoe.

  “Careful, Tess,” Ash warned.

  “I’m not going to tip us,” Tess said firmly.

  “If you move around like that you just might,” Ash shot back. She was losing patience with the stubborn teenager. Their outing could have been relaxing and enjoyable for everyone if Tess hadn’t decided to turn it into a conflict.

  “Hey, it’s starting to get chilly,” Michelle said. “Why don’t we head back while we still have time to take it slowly.”

  Ash calmed herself with a deep breath. “That’s probably a good idea.”

  “Fine,” Tess quipped. “If you can’t keep up, we’ll slow down.”

  Ash clenched her jaw. “Tess, I’m in control of this canoe.”

  “What—because you’re super dyke?” Tess glared at her.

  “No.”

  “Because you’re playing chaperone this weekend?”

  Ash shook her head.

  “Then why?” Tess practically spat.

  “Because I’m sitting in the back, and whoever sits in the back of the canoe steers. So you can give up your little power play, because you can’t control a canoe from the front seat.”

  Making her point forcefully, she turned the canoe around. She could tell from Tess’s posture that she was seething, but she did not
say a word as they began paddling. Ash unclenched her jaw and willed the muscles in her back to loosen. She had no idea why Tess got on her nerves so badly. Whatever the games, she was just a teenager and Ash tried to put her behavior in context. Tess could act out as much as she pleased, but in the end, she still wouldn’t get what she wanted, if she even knew what that was. Ash didn’t intend to be drawn into her dramas.

  By the time they came close to the docks, she felt okay about how she’d controlled the situation out on the lake. Maybe all Tess needed was for someone to stand up to her. Ash decided to mention her strategy to Carrie and Mary. They allowed Tess to get away with far too much. She glanced toward her best friend. Mary and her group had climbed out of their canoe and were milling around the picnic tables with the hikers.

  Ash steadied the canoe as Michelle tossed her paddle up, then pulled herself onto the dock. She reached down for Tess’s paddle and offered her a hand. Ash was surprised to see Tess take it. She had a split second to wonder if maybe the girl had had a change of heart. Then it happened.

  As Tess stepped up onto the dock she gave a quick, firm push-off with her foot directly on the edge of the canoe. Ash knew she was going overboard, but there wasn’t a thing she could do to stop herself. She watched helplessly as the side of the canoe tipped into the lake and she had no choice but to roll with it. The cold water hit her like a slap in the face and immediately soaked her. She sank quickly to the bottom and immediately reacted by pushing herself back up. She broke the surface a few feet away from the dock, frigid cold shocking her entire body.

  “Shit!” she shouted and started swimming.

  Everybody ran toward her at once.

  “Oh, my God,” she heard Mary cry out as she was dragged from the water.

  “Somebody get some towels,” Carrie yelled.

  Ash tried to pull herself to her feet, but she was shaking so violently she only made it to her knees. She was drenched. Her coat, her jeans, her boots: everything was dripping wet.

  “Get her jacket off.” Mary sprang into action.

  Before Ash knew it people were stripping her clothes away. “Stop!” she yelled, pushing the hands aside. “I can do it myself.”